


No Fagots

by Dillian



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: 1980s, AU, AU-Sundance Film Festival, Anal Sex, Bathhouses, HIV/AIDS, Hollywood, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, Los Angeles, M/M, Motion Picture Industry, Oral Sex, Promiscuity, Recreational Drug Use, UCLA, West Hollywood
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2015-08-24
Packaged: 2018-02-06 08:55:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 48
Words: 90,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1852072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dillian/pseuds/Dillian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A reader once commented to me that just once, she'd like to see a story address the hurtful consequences that used to come to most people who were honest about their same-sex attraction.  That was a long time ago.  Ever since then, I've been meaning to write a story that did that, somehow it took me until now.</p><p>This one takes place in the fall of 1980.  It takes place in Los Angeles, just before the first cases of HIV/AIDS started to turn up, and makes use of a story I once read about how right after West Hollywood first incorporated as a city in 1984, the first thing the mayor did was to walk into a restaurant there, and rip down the "No Fagots" sign that the owner had put up.  ...It sort of makes use of it, references it anyway.  ...And by the way, yes, I am aware of the misspelling here.  It's how the word was spelled on the sign.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Goodbye to Lake Wobegone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces Loki. And his best friend Thor. ...And Thor's best friends, the Warriors.

**_The Avengers_ , _Iron Man_ , and _Thor_ , and all situations and characters thereof, belong strictly and solely to Marvel Comics. This is a fan-work, meant for enjoyment only, and not for any material profit.**

“That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average."  
– Garrison Keillor

Trying to explain why he left: You can’t explain that, all right? It’s not one big thing, it’s just a lot of little things, and after a while they get to you. Maybe it’s nothing, okay? Maybe after a while you just can’t see yourself in that place any more, after a while you just have to go.

…If he were to put a time on it, it would be that last camp-out. They’re up along the Brule River. Hiked up to the Devil’s Kettle, backtracked a little and set up camp just far enough back from the water so the mosquitoes won’t be too bad. Frying brook trout for dinner, along with some potatoes Thor brought along in his backpack. It’s just him and Thor.

…No it isn’t. Maybe if it had been there wouldn’t have been a problem. But since when did Thor ever manage to go anywhere without his friends? They’re surgically attached. Maybe on some level they just know what losers they are, know they’d never get any social life if they didn’t attach themselves to Thor.

The problem is, neither would Loki. 

…Or maybe that’s not the problem. Maybe the problem is just that when you get them all together, the Warriors… That’s what they call themselves, yeah. The “Warriors”. Like, _brilliant_ , Fan, that’s pure fuckin’ _genius_ , that is, VS, Hogan, you guys just go ahead and be proud of yourselves, brag about a name any 12-year old of average intelligence would have discarded long ago. Don’t let _me_ stop you. 

…Yeah, when it’s just the two of them, Thor’s great, he’s fine. Then you get him together with the “Warriors,” and he turns into a warrior. He’s, like, totally different, just this big, macho, asshole jerk. Moral of the story, don’t get him around them? It’s not that easy, because in the whole 10 years he’s known him, Loki’s never been able to figure out who matters more to Thor. Maybe it’s him, yeah. Maybe it’s his asshole “Warrior” friends.

…So yeah, so they went camping, okay? Seven miles up from the entrance of Magney State Park. Backpacks, bedrolls, couple of tents along just in case it rained. They built their fire, roasted the trout they’d caught on the way in (would have fried them, but nobody'd remembered to bring any oil), cooked potatoes in the ashes, then ate ‘em half done, they were that hungry. Washed it all down with water from their canteens. Fire started burning low… Picture of them just sitting there, slapping at a few mosquitoes, listening to the churn of water in Devil’s Kettle. 

And the sun went down, it started to get dark. VS brought out a bottle… It _would_ be him, he’s always the one that brings the booze. …Bottle went around a few times.

“Yeah…” Thor’s bedroll, pushed up against a log. He was leaned way back. …His arm was around Loki, that’s the thing that sticks out. That’s the kind of thing he was always doing, just this casual, man-to-man kind of touching. It got serious sometimes, when it was just the two of them. …Yeah, that part sticks out too. …And Thor’s arm was around Loki. “Yeah,” he said. “Going to State in the fall. Football scholarship.”

“Gophers.” VS had the bottle. Took a drink, passed it along. Big obnoxious laugh that always made Loki want to hit him. “Thor’s going to be a Gopher.”

“Division I team, that’s not too bad,” Hogan said. Bottle in his hand, he drank, passed it along.

Thor grabbed it before Loki could get his hand up. Took a big drink (like he needed any more). “Full scholarship. All four years. I don’t see any of you getting an athletic scholarship to anywhere.”

Loki’s got a full scholarship to the School of Cinematic Arts at UCLA, in Los Angeles. He wouldn’t have gotten anywhere pointing that out though. One time… _One time_. …It was mentioned one time, and it wasn’t him mentioning it then, it was Thor. Big braniac “Warriors” just laughed, made some comments about airy-fairies and art, and didn’t they always go together, and shit.

And Loki got the bottle. Didn’t take a drink, he just passed it along. Let the rest of them get drunk.

They did, too. On one little bottle of cinnamon whiskey, they all got drunk, and they started to act like even bigger jerks than usual.

And it was Thor… Thor! …He’s the one that started it: “Loki’s going away to school,” he said. “UCLA, that’s in _California_. Land of fruits and nuts.”

“ _Fruits_.” (Fan. The asshole. After _he_ gave Loki a handjob that time at Bald Eagle Camp. He _wanted_ to do that.) He was laughing like a jerk. “That fits.”

VS roared out his big laugh. “He’ll get himself a _boyfriend_ out there.”

Then Hogan was like, “Cut him some slack, fruits gotta live too,” or some such garbage.

It’s consider the source with them though. You’ve got to remember you’re dealing with the dumbest assholes, from the dumbest-ass Scouting Troop in the entire Twin Cities. Maybe in Minnesota. Between the three of them, they’re lucky if they can find a functioning braincell. The problem is, Thor went along with it. He laughed just as hard, even made a few jokes of his own. Probably would have said it was all in good fun… No, he would have said, “Loki, you’ve gotta learn to _take a joke_.” What he always said when the “Warriors” were being assholes.

Thor, who was probably planning on zipping their sleeping bags together like he usually did. Hard to stay warm my ass, his hands would be _everywhere_. But never until the fire went down low, so nobody could see him. Stupid-ass Thor. Even the “Warriors” weren’t too dumb to know what those noises they made together meant.

…So, is that why he left? Don’t give stupid-ass Thor and his stupid-ass friends that much credit. It was the check, that’s what did it:

Graduation day, June 12, 1980. Night before, Dad takes them out to dinner. Manny’s Steakhouse, huge ribeyes cooked blue-rare all around, and …and some kind of side dishes. Are you supposed to pay attention to the side dishes at a place like that? Dad brings out this card and hands it to him. Check inside. Like, this _big_ check. $500. And Dad goes, “Use that to buy yourself something nice, Loki.”

Next day, he bought himself something nice, AKA a tankful of gas for the ’63 Rambler he’d bought the year before with the money from his job at Hardee’s. Put the rest of the check in the bank. Plus what was there, that made $2,450 (or, $2,000 exactly, when he made it to LA four days later). Loki _thought_ it would be enough to hold him until school started in September. He couldn’t have been more wrong.


	2. I Love(?) L.A.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces Bruce Banner: Loki thinks he can probably trust him.

“Look at that mountain,  
Look at those trees,  
Look at that bum over there, man  
He's down on his knees.”  
\-- Randy Newman, “I Love LA”

The thing with LA, is it _costs_. Everything here _costs_ … And you come in on the 101 Northbound (funny thing, since you’re coming south). Left turn onto Santa Monica Boulevard, and another left onto Romaine in West Hollywood. He already tried UCLA, six miles away: Rent in Westwood is _through the roof_ , and right around the corner from there, you’ve got Bel Air, Beverly Hills. All these pricy neighborhoods…

Ironic, because he could have gone to USC instead, which is supposedly the expensive school, but the area it’s located in isn’t, apparently, it really, really isn’t. Scholarship they were offering wasn’t as good though, that’s why he chose to follow in the footsteps of Francis Ford Coppola, instead of George Lucas.

And here’s West Hollywood… Looks like it would be less expensive at any rate. Just this grungy neighborhood, heavy on the traffic, full of gross-looking little stores, and anonymous buildings that look like they might be gay bars.

…Not that Loki would have any idea what those look like (and no, we are not in denial here).

…Anyway, he gets there. Five o’clock on June the 17th, and he’s at Eddie’s Eatery. Santa Monica and Romaine, this little hole-in-the-wall place (only even after two hours in LA, he knows they’re going to charge him an arm and a leg if he wants anything to eat). And he goes in.

Rack of _LA Weeklies_ by the door. That’s the free paper in Los Angeles (AKA, another thing he’s learned in his two hours here). …Rack of _LA Weeklies,_ and this huge-ass sign over the register: “No Fagots Here.”

“Fagots”. Yeah, whoever put it there, spelled it like that. You don’t live eighteen years of your life, being… Being whatever Loki is, because he hasn’t decided on that yet. …You don’t reach adulthood, anyway, without knowing the word’s spelled, “faggot”.

…Especially if you’ve been called it as many times as he has.

And he almost walks out. Just exactly what constitutes a “fagot”? And who is it that’s deciding who qualifies? And how do they do it? Do they walk through here looking to see if you’re “light in the loafers” and then they decide to kick you out?

”Light in the loafers,” by the way, there’s another of those nice expressions people use. That one was Dad’s. He liked “fruit” too, as in, “That boy is a little bit fruity.” Mom just used to say, “He’s a little _that way_ ,” and she never said it about anyone who was, not like Paul Lynde, or Liberace. Mom. She probably thinks Jack, from “Three’s Company,” is really gay. And the Village People are just really, _really_ into costuming.

…Not that he’s bitter or anything.

Anyway, it’s five o’clock, and he’s hungry. Last stop was this godawful place called Barstow, like this little desert community, probably full of scorpions and rattlesnakes. He had lunch at the Bun Boy there, and no, a rattlesnake didn’t serve him (and neither did a scorpion, or Snoopy’s brother Spike). And they gave him this gargantuan drink, full of ice, which he needed, not having air conditioning in the Rambler. Drink was good, the burger he got was sort of… Well it was a perfectly fine burger, and maybe the good people of Barstow California _like_ their burgers with green tomato slices and a lot of wilted iceberg lettuce on them. …Maybe. Anyway, he didn’t like it, and he left half of it, also the lousy things fried in yesterday’s grease that they tried to pass off as “fries” there.

And now he’s hungry. Didn’t get anything to eat at the place in Westwood where he stopped, just got a soda, looked at the prices (and had a friggin’ heart attack). And it’s five. Better find someplace… He could stay in a hotel tonight, but knowing LA, those probably cost an arm and a leg too. Better stay here a while and at least check out the listings, maybe get something to eat as well.

Besides, he doesn’t look like a “fagot”. Whatever that is. He looks like what he is, which is a kind of a skinny guy, taller than most. …Who maybe checks out his friend’s asses now and then, but really, who doesn’t do that? Loki’s bi, if he’s anything.

It’s about that time that this waiter guy comes up to him. He says, “Don’t worry about the sign.” 

Waiter-guy is being nosy. Who said that was what Loki was “worried” about? …Or that he was “worrying”?

Waiter-guy’s like, “It’s a horrible sign, but you know, the owner’s this big jerk. People keep telling him to take it down… You want a table?”

Loki ought to turn around and walk out. Who the hell wants to eat at this place, where the owner’s a big jerk (and the waiters are too nosy)?

Waiter-guy’s like, “The food’s good, if you care about that.”

Loki stays. The food is good, by the way. Priced like hell, but it’s good: Double burger with _fresh_ lettuce on it, and a slice of a really ripe tomato, huge pile of good fries on the side.

Waiter-guy brings him a free refill on his Coke. He also points him to the “Roommates Wanted” section in the _Weekly_ (and it feels like helpful instead of nosy). He’s like, “You looking to rent in West Hollywood?”

One more thing you notice quick in LA, is that people here don’t talk to each other. But he’s from Minnesota, and besides, waiter-guy started it (and besides, he could use the help). “Here.” Loki gives waiter-guy that old Midwestern friendliness. “Or I’d rather be closer to UCLA.”

Waiter-guy’s off by now. He finished up while Loki was eating. It would have been a good time to chase him away, but the guy was being helpful. Loki let him sit down. His name’s Bruce, by the way.

And Bruce is like, “Well you could... I know of a place…” Awkward look over at Loki. “You are looking to share a place with roommates, right?”

Like he wasn’t the one who pointed him to “Roommates Wanted.” 

“No, I’m looking to share one with howler monkeys.”

That gets a smile out of Bruce. No laugh, just a smile, and he’s like, “I have a place on Wilshire. I have a roommate, but if you know anything about rents in that area… And we’re looking to find somebody else.”

“Somebody else,” Loki goes. “Like, any more specific than that?”

Bruce is like, “Well, a student would be better. Because I’m in school, I’d like someone who understands sometimes I need to study.” He looks kind of hopeful for a minute. “You aren’t…” Then before Loki can let on that yeah, he is a student, or he will be, he goes on, “Probably you wouldn’t want to room with us though. I don’t know how you are about… Well, you know…”

“I ‘know’?” They’re up by now, headed for the door.

And Bruce is like, “Well I don’t know, some people have a problem with gay people, and Steve’s kind of… Well, he’s pushy about it. And then there’s Tony…”

Bruce’s car is parked in an employee lot, located oh so conveniently, three blocks away. Maybe it’s a gamble driving him over there, but Loki is ready to take the chance. And Bruce doesn’t do anything to him while he’s in the car, he doesn’t turn into a giant green monster and attack him or anything.

What he does, is tell him more about the apartment. And Steve. He’s some kind of gay-rights icon, apparently. “You heard of Pride Parades?” Bruce says.

Loki has. They have one in Minneapolis every year, he’s seen pictures. They’re kind of… Well, he’s never been exactly sure what they are, or what he feels like when he sees them.

Apparently Steve’s on the committee for the one here. “He’s really political too,” Bruce says. “He’s got this club he goes to, Stonewall Democrats. They sponsor City Council candidates, raise money and stuff.”

He doesn’t talk any more about Tony, which is a shame. Tony, that he mentioned before. He’s got something to do with this, but Bruce never exactly says what, or who he is, or how he knows him. Is he Steve’s ex-boyfriend? One of the many, maybe? Bruce just sort of hedges around about Tony, then he drops it into the conversation how there’s this big cruising scene down by the pool at the apartment complex, like that’s related.

“And there’s a bathhouse around the corner,” he says. Because that’s apparently related too. “Like, you know about those, right?”

Yeah, who doesn’t about “those”?


	3. Playing with Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces Tony (the _infamous_ Tony. Also introduces Steve, who is nice.

“My friends say no don't go  
For that cotton candy,  
Son you're playing with fire.  
The kid will live and learn  
As he watches his bridges burn  
From the point of no return.  
Babylon sisters shake it  
So fine so young,  
Tell me I'm the only one.”  
\-- Donald Fagan, “Babylon Sisters”

 

Bruce’s apartment is awesome. Really, really awesome. It’s also really, really expensive, and it’s not just because it’s in an expensive neighborhood, this is an expensive apartment, period. It’s got a balcony. Also ultra-expensive looking furniture, all this stuff on the wall that looks like real art (that looks so great in his bedroom, next to the Casablanca poster Loki got at Secondhand Rose in Orono). There’s a uniformed concierge in the lobby, thick, expensive grey carpets everyplace you look. Yeah, it’s _expensive_.

He heard what the rent was, Loki went into sticker shock for a minute. Opens his mouth, he’s like, “I could get a summer job.” Out loud, he says it out loud.

Bruce goes, “Well they’re always looking for busboys at Eddie’s.” 

(Eddie’s. That would be the place with the big No Fagots sign over the register, remember?)

Bruce is like, “I’ll ask. Maybe we can get the same shift, ride over together.”

He’s going to get Loki a job at the place with the No Fagots sign. Time to think again: Just exactly who counts as a “fagot” anyway? And who doesn’t? For instance, Loki’s touched a guy a few times. He’s touched him in places… Well you know, he’s _touched_ him. And sometimes he liked it (the other guy always liked it). Does he qualify?

What if he doesn’t think he does qualify? What if he wants to try touching women too? …You know, when he happens to meet some women that he wants to touch… What about that, is he still a “fagot”?

He doesn’t qualify by the way, because he gets the job. Also the guy that interviews him seems to be a little “light in the loafers” himself, so who knows what’s up with all this “fagots” stuff. Maybe the owner is just blowing smoke (or he’s just really clueless about what gays look like).

General celebration. Steve makes a lasagna, and opens some bottles of Mateus in honor of having a roommate who can afford to pay his way.

A little cheap cynicism there, by the way. Steve’s a nice guy. He’s… Well, he’s somewhere in his twenties. Mid-twenties maybe. He works all day, takes things really seriously. He doesn’t act all gay and stuff, like you’d expect a gay guy to do, but sometimes you’ll find his protest signs drying on the kitchen table, and they'll say, "Full Equality", and you know what that means. Or he’ll push you to help him stuff envelopes, and there'll be a rainbow at the top of the paper.

So Loki starts work the next day. Goes in with Bruce at 7:00 every morning. Comes home at five. There are... better jobs out there, but you know, it’s only for the summer.

And a week goes by. He doesn’t check out the scene down by the pool. He doesn’t want to. Bunch of overage swingers getting it on with each others’ wives (or their gay boyfriends or whatever). Doesn’t appeal to him. He hasn’t been to the bathhouse. (That one’s a little more problematic). …He hasn’t met the so-mysterious Tony either, and Bruce hasn’t said another word about him, and neither has Steve. Then one day all that changes.

It’s Saturday. 28th of June, day of his first paycheck. He’s just off work, and he’s got the check in the back pocket of his black busboy-pants. And he comes out of the dressing room. 

There’s Bruce at the table with this guy. Kind of an older guy… Not _old_ -old, but he's older than Loki. Like, he's 30 or so. Dark hair cut short, and a mustache. Guy could look like your stereotypical leather queen… Fringe benefit of living with a gay guy: Loki’s learned all these new expressions. Learned how to use them, and what all the different types of gays look like and stuff. …This guy could look like a leather-queen if he wanted to, but he doesn’t want to apparently. He looks like a businessman in a very expensive suit, a little better looking than most of them, maybe.

Expensive-suit guy is sitting at a table, talking to Bruce. He’s got a Lowenbrau in front of him, Bruce has a Beck’s. Expensive-suit guy is eating fried zucchini as if he hasn’t seen food in a week, and Bruce is chowing down on a tuna-fish sandwich. And Loki goes over there, Bruce looks up and gives him a grin. Bruce looks over at suit-guy, and he’s like, “Tony, this is our new roommate Loki.”

And aha, Loki thinks, so this is the infamous Tony.

Infamous-Tony looks him up and down. He really looks him up and down, checks him out, if you want to be accurate. It’s kind of almost invasive (kind of gives him a chance to check Tony out too though). Then Tony smiles. “Your new roommate has a nice butt, Bruce.”

Bruce frowns. “Leave him alone.”

“What?” says suit-guy (Tony). “I said he had a nice butt. Am I supposed to go blind, just because he's your roommate?” Tony gestures at one of the free chairs, gives Loki a smile. “Sit down, new-roommate Loki. You want a beer?”

“He’s underage,” Bruce says.

Tony’s like, “Yeah, and they’re always _so careful_ about that at Eddie’s, aren't they?” Back to Loki, friendly smile (more than friendly interest, very obvious, in his eyes). “What’s your pleasure, Loki? Heineken? Lowenbrau? Don’t tell me you drink _Corona_?”

Back home, Thor and the Warriors drink Budweiser. Loki does too …sometimes. …When he can’t get out of it. If you’re going to get drunk, it seems like there are ways that don’t involve quite so much belching and pissing.

Not angering Bruce means having a Coke though. Faint sense at the back of his mind that it ought to mean he ignores Tony as well… Loki doesn't ignore him.

And Tony buys him the Coke, pushes the basket of fried zucchinis over his way. “Tell me about yourself, Loki. Bruce hasn’t told me nearly enough.”

Right away, Bruce goes, “I’m not running a dating service for you Tony.”

Tony’s like, “Jesus Christ, I bought the kid a Coke. You want me _not_ to like your friends now Bruce?” Warm glance over Loki’s way, then a reasonable-looking one over at Bruce. “I like him, I’ll admit it. I’m not going to rape him or anything though.” Warm glance back at Loki (a warm glance that says, “Unless you want me to,” so loud you can almost hear it). Tony’s like, “Is that okay with you, Bruce?”

Bruce is like, “I guess so.”

Tony wants to get Chinese food. They do. Chinese food in Los Angeles means Szechuan (which if you haven’t had it, is ultra, super-super spicy). He wants to take it home and share it with Steve, and Bruce goes along with that too (even though he doesn’t seem very enthusiastic).

Tony is an expert on using chop sticks, and he eats noodles in spicy chili sauce like he didn’t just finish eating a whole basket of fried zucchinis all by himself at Eddie's. Tony tells Steve that he’s glad he's “forgiven” him, “for that unfortunate misunderstanding we had a while ago.”

(Bruce and Steve look at each other at that point, then they look over at Loki.) 

Tony’s like, “I miss you guys, it’s lonely, going over to Latveria without stopping by to see you first.”

Latveria is the bathhouse. Generic, dark-colored stucco building without any windows. Plain sign outside that says, “Latveria.” They got a flyer in the mail the other day had a picture of a man’s butt on it, full of promises about, “Every night is men’s night,” and that it's the place for, “Hot, willing action.” 

Tony’s like, “I’m going there tonight, you guys want to come?”

Steve, right away is all, “No.”

Tony’s like, “Bruce?” Coaxing smile. “Remember the last time?”

Bruce is like, “I remember, I was on antibiotics for a week.”

Antibiotics are the downside to a place like that. …They’re not the only one. Somehow it feels kind of lonely, just having sex with total strangers like that, not even knowing who’s on the other side of the Glory Hole (more vocabulary he’s learned from Steve) or whatever. Maybe 20 years ago, when gay guys had to take it where they could get it, but this is the 1980’s. Gay guys get elected to political offices, there are Pride Parades every year, practically everywhere you go. Things have changed.

Tony’s saying, “I swing both ways myself…”

Faint muttered comment from Steve: “Closet-queen...” 

“…Like Woody Allen says, it doubles your chance of a date for Saturday night…” And Tony looks over at Loki. “You don’t share this ridiculous prejudice of theirs?”

Steve’s like, “Leave Loki alone.” Right away. Before he can even think of an answer.

Tony’s like, “I could take you over there…”

Bruce goes, “Christ, do you have to hit on every person in the apartment?”

And you can see a frown on Tony’s face. Silence. Then he looks at Bruce, looks over at Steve. “I’m sorry, you guys. I never meant to hurt either of you.”

Loki would like to hear a little more about _how_ Tony hurt his roommates. What did he do, and is it safe to hang out with him? He’d like to, because to be really honest here, he wants to visit Latveria, just to see what it’s like, and it would be a helluva lot easier if he had someone to go with when he went there. …And so far Steve and Bruce haven’t stepped up to offer...

And the apology seems to silence everyone for a while. Then Bruce says, “There’s enough blame to go around with that one.”

Steve’s like, “We still let you come around here, don’t we?”

Tony’s like, “Yeah, and I appreciate it, guys.” And some more silence (Tony, silent, seems to be a contradiction in terms). And after a while, he’s like, “This food is cold. You guys want to go to The Cheesecake Factory? I’m buying.” 

Bruce is like, “I’m full.” 

Steve’s like, “I’ve got a meeting.”

(“Don’t you always,” Tony mutters.)

Here’s the interesting part, is he ought to have stayed strictly away from Tony after that. That’s what common sense said: “Your roommates know him, if they say, ‘Stay away,’ you should do it.”

Loki doesn’t. The thing is, Loki _wants_ to see Latveria. Like, he really really wants to. And he’s not going to go crazy when he gets there, he’s not going to fuck everything that stands still long enough. He’s just hang out in the bar, just check out the scene, that’s what he tells himself. And Tony Stark... Because that's Tony's last name, is Stark, Bruce eventually gets around to telling him. ...Tony Stark is part of his strategy to get there.

See, there was this gay bar, pretty close to where he lived back in Minneapolis. Blank building with an awning over the door, that's what they all seem to be like, and this ugly, faded grey paint. Sign outside said 1100 Bar, which means nothing, but everybody knew what that place was. And Loki could have gone in. He’s got a fake ID. Thor bought it for him maybe a year ago when he bought himself one. It’s not a good fake ID, but you never know where’s going to card you and where isn’t. Maybe 1100 Bar didn’t card?

And he never went in. All that time, and he never went in. Now he’s out here in the Land of Fruits and Nuts (called thus by The Mighty Thor, no less). He’s out here where supposedly, there’s a gay bar everyplace you turn and gay bathhouses up the butt. He owes it to himself to go to one of them.

New in town, he tells himself he doesn’t know where’ll let him in with his fake ID. He tells himself he doesn’t know which bars are gay bars, and which ones aren’t. He tells himself he doesn’t know which bathhouses he should trust. Which ones are full of weirdos? Have some of them got better reputations than others? But now he knows about one of them. Tony talks about it all the time. He knows the owner, apparently, and he’ll say, “Vic’s cool, he’ll watch out for you, Loki.”

By the way, the thing with Tony is he used to date Steve. He dated Bruce as well. (Tony is a little bit of a whore, apparently.)

He also got Bruce his job at Eddie’s. Bruce has anger issues sometimes. He was working on campus at UCLA (TA for a guy in the Physics Department), but there were some problems, and he lost that job. Tony found him another one. He’s also the reason Bruce and Steve have the apartment. He was paying for the whole thing, before him and Steve broke up. (Tony also is apparently rich.) Then after that is when he dated Bruce, and he paid for it a little while longer then.

“But that was never very serious,” Bruce said. Shrug-shrug, a vague grin. “Tony has issues…”

But it doesn't matter if Tony has "issues". Let him have all the "issues" he wants. Loki isn’t getting “involved” with him, he’s just going to Latveria with him. He has to go with somebody, doesn't he? Because he is going over there.

Tony loves the idea of course. And he wants to tell Loki all about it. “You’ll want to take your own towel,” he says. “Hitchhiker’s Guide, Loki: Always take your towel everywhere. Wait until you see the rental ones, there is a serious lack of coverage with those things.” Sudden grin (one of those cheerful, innocent grins Tony always gives). “Of course with some of the guys there, that’s an advantage.”

And Loki’s like, “I’m just going to hang out in the bar.”

“At first, yeah,” Tony says.

Loki’s like, “No, period. I’m just going to hang out in the bar.” (And... Does he mean it even then?)

And Tony’s like, “Loki my friend, this is _free sex_. No pricetag, no consequences.” Tony’s like a big brother sometimes, like this really perverted big brother. He’s like Thor could have been, if Thor had cared enough (and if the Warriors hadn’t been around).

Tony’s like, “Just take a towel, okay? In case you change your mind?”

And Loki’s like, “I won’t.”

(But he changes his mind.)


	4. The Wild Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces _Latveria_ , and the cast of thousands that are there that night (and the stupid side of Loki, that comes out when Tony puts his arm around him).

“Candy came from out on the island,  
In the backroom she was everybody's darling,  
But she never lost her head  
Even when she was giving head.  
She says, hey baby, take a walk on the wild side  
Said, hey babe, take a walk on the wild side  
And the colored girls go,  
‘Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo  
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo…’”  
\-- Lou Reed, “Walk on the Wild Side”

 

You know, the funny thing is, Thor’s not the only one of them who lettered in High School. Loki has his own jacket… _Had_ , as in, he _had_ a jacket. Loki’s is in the closet back home, he left it when he left Minneapolis. His sport was track and field. You would not believe how funny the Warriors always found that. Because he was _running_ , you understand. And because there were _girls_ on the team. Hell, those girls were good. You know what would have been funny? Get VS out there to run the 100 meter, put him up against Sif. …Or Fan…

Treasured memory from his Junior Year: The time in the bleachers, when Fan tried to put the moves on Sif. That was during football practice, Loki was waiting for Thor. Unfortunately the Warriors were there too. Sif was there waiting for… What was the name of the guy she was with then? Bill or something? …Fan put the moves on her… Mr. Wonderful-Fan, the Disco Dude. And he was… Was he wearing that green suit he had, that he thought made him look like John Travolta? He couldn’t have been, not to school. …And Fan was like, “I hope you know CPR baby, because you take my breath away.” And then what she did… Oh god, oh god, that was something to see.

…Or Valkyrie, yeah. Get any of them out there against Valkyrie. Even Thor… Star Wide Receiver of the team, but she’d have beaten him easy. That girl ran like she had wings on her feet.

This pointless digression, by the way, is brought to you by the _wonderful_ smell which was the first thing that greeted Loki, when he walked in the door of Latveria. That delightful aroma of sweaty jockstraps, marinated with stale gym towels, and the really cheap marijuana some asshole thought he could light up and Coach wouldn’t notice. Just pause for a moment and savor it…

Mmm, ahhh… There, doesn’t that bring back memories?

Of course Tony’s right there next to him. He’s got this smile on his face, kind of a wolf-on-the-prowl kind of a thing. Two towels on Tony’s arm, because he still won’t give up on taking Loki out of the bar. “Out to see the action,” as he puts it.

And they go in there… You’ve been in skating rinks, right? You know that front desk-place where you rent your skates? Same thing here, only they’re renting towels. …Towels and locker-keys, and Tony’s like, “Just keys, Kris, two of them. By the way Kris, is Vic here tonight?”

Kris: Guy about Loki’s age, green t-shirt on that says, “Latveria,” and a crest in the middle with a griffin on it (there, do you see what studying your History at school can teach you?). Kris is like, “He’s in his office, you want me to tell him you’re here Mr. Stark?”

Two keys with tags on them like hotel keys, in Tony’s hand. Two keys for lockers, so he can put his clothes in them. …And Loki can put his…

Tony’s like, “Kris, it’s _Tony_ , didn’t I tell you? Never mind telling him, Kris, I’ll surprise him maybe. My young friend here…”

_His young friend_ … Warm look at Loki as he says it…

And he looks back at Kris. “…My young friend wanted to check out the bar, so I brought him over.”

Nothing from Kris. No reaction, no shock, or curiosity, as he looks at Loki. He’s just like, “Sure Mr. Stark, okay, you have a nice evening.” And there’s a buzzing noise, that’s the door to the bathhouse opening. And they go inside.

And it’s dark in there, but not as dark as you’d think it would be. …As you’d think… Really, like he has any grounds for comparison.

What was he expecting, some kind of darkness-of-shame, where you’d grope around, and everywhere you turned, depraved hands would be grabbing at you? This just looks like a gym. Kind of an extra-fancy gym, but yeah.

This looks like the kind gym where they put the swimming pool at the front. And it’s a small swimming pool, and it doesn’t look too deep, and it has a fountain going down into it. ~~This looks like the kind of gym Loki’s always dreamed of, where instead of keeping their eyes down, and pretending there aren’t a lot of hot naked men in there, all the men are checking each other out.~~

Whoa, where did that thought come from?

In this gym-called-Latveria, there’s a door to the bar across from the pool, and you can see ferns in there, faint sparkle of colored lights that might be a disco ball. And there’s voices coming out of there, just your standard, modulated-adult voices. This could be any bar, in any restaurant, a lot of people just like your parents inside.

And they’re walking toward it, and Loki can’t help looking over at the pool…

And then Tony sees him look… Oh god, oh god, that I-told-you-so look he gets on his face!

“Still sure you want to go in there?” he says.

And Loki’s like, “I’m sure.” But of course he isn’t sure by then.

They go in, and of course it’s not just like any other fern-bar. This particular fern-bar has a mural of mountains and Olde World-looking buildings on the wall. It also has the hottest bartenders you could possibly imagine. It also has a million men, and they’re not wearing anything but towels, none of them. And those towels… Oh lord, Tony was right, they leave _nothing_ to the imagination.

Tony’s like, “Why don’t I leave you so you can mingle?”

_Mingle?!?_ There’s a tall surfer-type over there, with abs that disappear into the white towel he’s wearing around his very narrow waist. There’s another guy over there, dark hair, and a smile that’s almost incandescent. Another… Oh god, look at those _shoulders_.

…And they’re all looking at him, aren’t they? And they’re smiling…

And, “I think I’ll stick with you,” Loki says. “You know, just for now.”

“Sure, if you want.” The thing with Tony, is just when you’re ready to write him off as nothing but a swinger, he’ll do something. He’ll give you a look, maybe, the kind of look where there’s a little sympathy there, but not enough so it looks like he’s pitying you.

And they go over to the bar. Tony’s like, “Martini, very dry, and save the olives for the salad bar. What’ll you have, Loki?”

What’ll he have? First name that comes into his head: “I’ll have a Harvey Wallbanger.” …Whatever that is. …He doesn’t really care at the moment.

What it is, by the way, is vodka and orange juice, with something else in there that changes the taste a little.

Tony’s like, “I’d watch out if I were you, the bartenders here mix the drinks strong.” He says it, meanwhile he downs his martini in one gulp. Apparently the warning is only meant for Loki. Tony’s like, “If you don’t care, that’s cool with me, you know I’m going to watch out for you tonight.”

And they’re standing away from the bar now. They’re under one of the ferns. And the light from the disco ball is playing down on all the _men_ in there. All the beautiful men. …All of them, wearing nothing but their towels…

And Tony’s like, “I get it, sometimes people don’t care. Hell, I’ve had nights like that sometimes.” Waiter goes by at that point (a waiter, in a pair of very tight, very short hot-pants, and nothing else). Tony signals him, asks for, “Two more of the same,” without asking Loki if he wants another one.

Loki does, by the way (only maybe he’ll go slower drinking the next one). When you have a million hot naked guys looking at you, _for the first time in your entire life,_ you kind of need something to take the edge off. He’d have made it something less goofy-sounding than a Harvey Wallbanger for the second one, but that’s all he would have changed.

…A guy comes up about then, by the way. Decent-looking guy, not great. ~~Not as good as Tony…~~ Jesus, where did that thought come from? A guy comes over, warm look in his eyes. “Please tell me this isn’t your date for the night, Tones?”

His _date_ … For the _night_ …

Tony’s like, “You see before you a bona-fide virgin, Norman, and he doesn’t want his first time to be with you.” Aside to Loki, by the way (this typical, Tonyish aside): “You don’t, do you?”

~~Loki wants his first time to be with Tony…~~

Strange-guy Norman’s like, “You can’t bring an Adonis like that here and then hog him all night, Tones, that’s inhuman.”

Tony’s arm is around him, by the way. Loki just happened to notice. It feels kind of …protective. ~~(Feels _good_.)~~ Tony’s like, “No, what’s inhuman, is the kind of experience you’d give him if I did let him go with you.” He’s like, “Take a hike, Norm.” (And then another one of those asides: “You don’t want him, do you Loki?”)

Their drinks come about then, and then later on a third round (for Tony). Two drinks is enough for Loki, two of the strong kind they mix at Latveria anyway. After two drinks, he can feel his feet tingling, and the ground seems a lot further away than it did when he started.

…After two drinks, the scene out in the bathhouse doesn’t just look interesting, it looks _mandatory_. And of course Tony doesn’t mind going out there with him, and he shares one of the towels he stole from the apartment. And…

And there are men after that… Oh lord, how many men? There have to have been four, five maybe. …Or more…

Tony’s like, “Loki, this is Eli, he’ll at least show you what this place is good for.”

Eli introduces him to Teddy, and then Teddy introduces him to Billy (and then it’s him and Billy and Loki, together, for quite a long time, in one of the little rooms at the back).

…And then somewhere later on, he’s back up at the front by the pool again. Tony’s chatting up this big guy, with scars and a Black Power haircut. (What’s that feeling inside when he sees it? It’s not jealousy, Loki has way too much sense for that.)

Big guy’s like, “The action’s pretty hot in the jail right now.” (And uggh, the look on Tony’s face when he says it.)

Tony’s like, “Hmm, that could be interesting…” He looks up, sees Loki.

Oh god, when he sees him, he puts his hand on Luke’s arm. “You know what, I’ll take a raincheck on that action for tonight, Luke.” And he goes over to Loki.

What was it Bruce told him? “Watch out for Tony, Loki. Tony has issues.” Oh Christ, it’s too late for that now, Bruce, it’s way too late.

Tony comes over, he’s like, “You enjoying yourself?”

Loki’s like, “I was, but I think I’m ready to go home.”

Tony doesn’t argue, he doesn’t give him any flack. (And oh god, his arm is _warm_ around Loki as they’re leaving.)


	5. No Excuses Offered, Anyway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces Tony's apartment in Bel Air. And what they do there. ...And a little bit about Loki's butthole.

“This doesn't happen to me everyday (oh my),  
Let's spend the night together.  
No excuses offered anyway (oh my),  
Let's spend the night together.  
I'll satisfy your every need (your every need)  
And I now know you will satisfy me.  
Oh my, my, my, my, my  
Let's spend the night together,  
Now I need you more than ever,  
Let's spend the night together now (oh my my my my my my).’”  
\-- Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, “Let’s Spend the Night Together”  


Tony’s brown eyes, looking into Loki’s eyes, as they leave Latveria, and Tony’s warm arm, right there around his waist, and... And, god, you could get lost in those eyes.

And the common sense part that _was_ saying, “This is dangerous, remember what Bruce told you about him”? That part is gone. And there’s a new common sense part there now, it’s saying, “You know he only wants you for tonight.” Because Tony definitely wants him. Loki’s had an awful lot of sets of eyes looking at him tonight, and some of the men asked, and he said no to them, and others asked and he said yes. And some of them, they didn’t have to ask, their eyes did the asking for them, and Tony’s eyes are asking.

And what they’re asking, is, “Let’s spend the night together.” Famous last words, from the so-famous Stones song. It’s not about love, or about having a life with someone, that song is all about sex. And Tony’s all about sex, he doesn’t want a relationship. Bruce told him that, right? Then in case Bruce didn’t, Steve’s told him that too. Hell, the fact that he’s not still with either of them, even though they’re both great guys, and very good looking, that would have been enough, even if neither of them had said a word.

…And now they’re coming out of Latveria, and Tony’s warm arm is around Loki’s waist, and his brown, brown eyes are looking into Loki’s blue ones. And his lips, his soft-looking lips, are just a little too far away from Loki’s.

And his soft voice, saying, “I’m trying hard not to think about how much I want you right now.”

And Loki’s (that is just barely a whisper) says, “Why not?”

It’s never dark in LA, you know. Ambient light, that’s what it’s called. The sky is pink with ambient light right now, just all this light, that goes all the way to the horizon, and the brighter lights from the businesses all up and down the street. And Tony’s car… His 1978 Bugatti, silver, and so sleek that it looks like a cyborg… He had to bring that car, didn’t he? Even though they’re three blocks away from the apartment. And Tony had to pay to get it parked, in a private lot three blocks away the other way. And then he smiled into Loki’s eyes, like, this self-deprecating smile (the one that makes you remember he’s more than just another swinger), and he was all like, “Don’t rub it in.”

And Loki didn’t. How’s he supposed to know how people do it in LA yet anyway?

Now here they go back to the car again. And Tony’s like, “Loki, I want you.” Loki’s like, “So, what’s stopping you?”

And this frown on Tony’s face, this guilty frown. “Steve,” that frown says. “And Bruce.”

Out loud, he says, “You know I can’t do that.”

And Loki says, “Why not,” again, and oh god, oh god, the guilt on Tony’s face.

“It’s just sex,” Loki says, “no ties, no strings attached.” (There will be strings, he can feel them starting to tug right now, but he’s not going to tell Tony that.)

“Free sex,” he says, “no pricetag,” while Tony’s eyes say, “don’t quote my own words back at me,” but Loki just keeps right on going.

And they’re in an _alley_ now. He and Tony are in an alley, in between Wilshire and that private lot where the car is. And Loki puts his arms around Tony’s neck, and he bends down a little (because Tony is not what you’d call tall), and then their lips are touching, his lips against Tony’s lips. And Tony slips his tongue inside. And there’s gin-taste in there, from the martinis he drank, and something that tastes a little like pot. …And there’s Tony-taste in there, he tastes just like Tony, and it’s like fireworks are going off inside Loki’s head.

That’s how they end up at Tony’s apartment. At his _very_ big, _very_ expensive-looking apartment (that makes Bruce and Steve’s look sick) on South Sepulveda, which Loki happens to know, having been in LA for all of a month now, is a _very_ pricy piece of real estate. …His apartment, with the view of the mountains, and the 405 so close you can hear it (but that makes it _more_ expensive, not less, in this town).

That’s how they end up there… Tony’s apartment looks like nobody lives there, by the way, it’s just empty, and shiny, and really, really clean. And Tony’s like, “Pied a terre…”

They’re right inside the door now, they’re standing there on Tony’s expensive marble floor, with his expensive art and stuff all around them. …In his apartment. And Tony’s arms are around Loki’s waist, and their lips are together.

…And Tony’s like, “A pied a terre, just someplace for me to crash after I finish teaching.”

Tony teaches. Bruce said that, didn’t he? Or maybe it was Steve. He’s a guest lecturer with the Physics Department at UCLA. One class a quarter, occasional guest lecture, and that’s all he does ( _Because Tony’s rich_ ).

And he’s like, “Welcome to my little home away from home, please feel free to mess up the place,” and they’re walking over from the doorway, falling down in a tangle onto another big, huge plush-covered sofa.

And Tony’s hands are _everywhere_. He’s like, “You sure you’re sure about this?”

Loki’s like, “What happened to just sex, no harm, no complications?”

And Tony’s like, “Well, this is you.”

_This is you…_ Does it mean something? It sounds like it means something. (Loki _wants_ it to mean something.)

He’s like, “You mean because I’m Steve and Bruce’s roommate?”

Tony’s like, “Because you’re _you_ , can’t we just leave it there?”

And they leave it there. And here’s some of the other things they leave: They leave their clothes on the floor. Tony’s shoes, on top of Loki’s shoes, and Loki’s pants, on top of Tony’s. …Both their shirts thrown to who knows where, and then they’re naked.

And Tony’s got _muscles_. He’s like, “De rigueur for a man who…” Quick stop, while he kisses a line down Loki’s bare chest (and Loki shivers at the feel of his tongue). And, “You know how it is, the women like it.”

The _women_ like it…

Tony’s like, “One hour a day at the gym, whether I want to or not, and sometimes I go running…”

And Loki’s hardon is at attention, it’s begging to be touched, or kissed, or something. And then Tony obliges.

He’s like, “You on the other hand…” And touch-touch, and kiss-kiss, feel of warm tongue, just touching his shaft. “…You on the other hand, seem to be just naturally good-looking. Do you work at it, Loki, or are you just a stray random miracle, sent from the gods?”

Mouth around shaft, oh god, that hot mouth! One hand under Loki’s butt, and the other curled… Where is it curled? Those are Tony’s _fingers_ , and they’re teasing Loki’s balls.

And then the other hand just traces the line of his butt-crack. Tony’s like, “Too much?”

Loki’s like, “Oh god, oh god, no!”

Tony’s like, “You just say the word, and that word, by the way, is, ‘stop.’” He’s like, “…Maybe you’re from another planet, some planet full of extra-terrestrials, that are all as beautiful as you, and you just fell to earth.”

Tony’s hand deep inside his buttocks. …Tony’s finger, just touching the opening in there. (Loki, meanwhile, gasping and doing a little bit of moaning.)

Tony’s like, “You’re sure?”

Loki’s like, “No of course I’m not _sure_ , who doesn’t like being driven crazy like that, and then you pull back?” (He doesn’t say it out loud.)

And… Grunt, groan and a moan, “Ohgodohgodoh, Tony.” And lips, that take him all the way up the shaft, and a tongue teasing, right where he’s most sensitive. And that hand, oh, that _hand_. And a finger… Two fingers? _Something_ goes deep inside, right when he’s about to come, and Loki screams, and he comes, and it almost knocks him and Tony clean off the couch.

And then some other stuff… Oh god, the other stuff. Because Tony didn’t ask, Loki _wants_ to do it. He wants his mouth around Tony… Hasn’t he just been doing that to Teddy, and all those other guys? …Guys he didn’t even know, and here’s Tony. …And Tony’s nice, and his cock wants it so bad, and Loki wants to give it to him.

And when Tony cums in his mouth, he swallows it, he didn’t do that with either of the others. And he _likes_ the taste. And then Tony pulls his face up and he kisses him, like he wants to taste himself inside Loki’s mouth.

And Loki’s like, “When can I see you again?”

Tony’s like, “Bruce and Steve…”

To hell with Bruce and Steve. 

Tony’s like, “You don’t even know what you’re doing. I’m ten years older than you, and I’m engaged.”

_He’s engaged…_

And… Block the warning bells that go off when he says that. This is just sex, remember? No harm, no strings, and no consequences.

Loki’s like, “We had a good time together tonight, and I want to have a good time like that with you again.” He’s like, “I don’t care about that girl you’re engaged to…”

“Pepper,” Tony says, “her name’s Pepper.”

_Her name’s Pepper…_

Loki’s like, “I don’t care about P…” (But he can’t say it.) He’s like, “…I don’t care about her Tony, this is just sex, it’s just us having a good time together, when can we do it again?” He’s like, “I know there are more things you can show me, there are more places you can take me to.”

And Tony’s like, “Yeah.”

And it’s all about the sex, baby, that’s all, no harm, no foul, and no consequences.


	6. Searching for Shelter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces the cook, Amado... Briefly... While he's getting coffee for Bruce and Loki, and they're talking about Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to take a moment and explain something, before I continue with this story: It is a historical story, and I want it to be authentic to the period when it's taking place. That means the attitudes are going to be the real attitudes of the early '80's, there's a lot of ignorance there, as well as the out-and-out homophobia that you'd expect. I want to apologize to any bisexual readers. I do not mean any disrespect when I give some of the characters in here ignorant attitudes about bisexuality. Please remember, we have learned a lot in the past 30 years. Institutionalized homophobia didn't just stifle peoples' lives, it also stifled our understanding.
> 
> In other words, even though I make Steve the activist character here, he doesn't know as much as he thinks he does. He doesn't know much more about some things, than Loki and Tony and the others do. If I can fix this later on by adding an actual bisexual character into the story, I will do that... But they will also act like they would have acted 30 years ago, and they won't understand everything we do now either.

“The years rolled slowly past  
And I found myself alone  
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends  
I found myself further and further from my home.  
And I guess I lost my way  
There were oh so many roads  
I was living to run and running to live  
Never worried about paying or even how much I owed  
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time  
Breaking all of the rules that would bend.  
I began to find myself searching  
Searching for shelter again and again.”  
\-- Bob Seger, “Running Against the Wind”

Tony. Tony. Tonytonytonytonytony… Jesus Christ, what the hell is going on here? And… Tonytonytonytonytony …And, what the hell… Seriously, Loki, what the _hell_ are you doing?

Okay, see here’s what happens: Tony… Loki and Tony… See, they get finished, okay? They get dressed, you know, _afterward_ … He and Tony get dressed, and then Tony’s like, “You want me to drive you back to the apartment?”

(He wanted to spend the night, is what he wanted.)

Tony’s like, “I’ll drive you back. You said you worked the early shift, right?”

Faint feeling… What is that feeling in his chest when he says that? It’s _relief_ , isn’t it? Why would he feel relief?

(It’s because otherwise maybe Tony would have asked him to spend the night…) And Loki’s like, “Yeah. Yeah I do.”

And clothes… Oh god, oh god, where are his clothes? They’re everywhere, is where they are, his clothes are everywhere, and they’re all tangled together with Tony’s clothes. _Like he was tangled together with Tony…_ And Loki grabs the everywhere-tangled clothing. He puts stuff on. Uhh… Undershorts, great. And, where’s the blue jeans? Where is his shirt? Shirt us under Tony’s shoes, by the way. …Under his loafers (Bruno Magli, no Bass Weejuns for Tony Stark). Loki’s own shoes are in two other different places, and he finally gives up on finding his socks. He just puts them on sockless.

Tony’s like, “I’ll bring you the socks. I’ll wash ‘em and I’ll bring ‘em to you.” He’s like, “Funny they’d get lost.”

Yeah it is funny, considering there’s, like, nothing in here for them to get lost under. Stack of mail on the table by the door, that’s the only sign somebody lives here.

And out the door… Loki’s like, “That’s fine.” And, “Don’t worry about it,” he says. “They probably got shoved under the sofa.”

And down the hall… Elevator up ahead. Tony’s voice, light, humorous: “Yeah, we were getting pretty athletic in there.” Humor sounds fake kind of, but yeah.

And down to the parking garage in the elevator. All the money in the world doesn’t buy you a parking spot at ground level in Los Angeles, apparently. And beep-beep, as Tony disengages the car alarm. And they climb in (smell of leather and Tony’s expensive cologne). Car starts, music comes on. What music? Bob Segar, right? God, he’s everywhere right now.

Tony’s like, “Turn that off. I hate that song.”

What song… What song is it? “Running Against the Wind,” right? Something comes to him, that he heard the DJ say the other day, and Loki says it: “Bob Segar and his committee, ‘Citizens Against the Wind.’”

Joke. Ha ha. Funny. (Tony doesn’t laugh.)

“Pretentious, pseudo-rock-and-roll poseur,” Tony says. “Seriously Loki, change the station.” 

Tony’s hand on the dial. Blur of static, stations coming in and out, and, “Just when you think you’ve changed him, he’ll leave you again…” Kenny Rogers. Thor had this album. God, he used to play it and play it. And Loki hated it. “Don’t fall in love with a dreamer,” it goes… Him and Kim Carnes, and they’re like, “Don’t fall in love with a dreamer, cause he’ll break you every time.” Why would somebody _write_ a song like that?

His hand on the dial this time. His voice, “You don’t mind, do you?”

And Tony’s like, “Be my guest.” He’s like, “New Country and Western is an abomination, if you’re going to play country music, for crissake play the real stuff, not all this crossover shit.”

And another blur of static… And, Gary Numan’s voice. Nice, safe, Gary Numan.

Tony’s like, “Compromise. I like it.” (And, outside, there’s the front of Bruce and Steve’s apartment building.) Tony’s like, “They’re not going to give you a hard time about being out with me tonight?”

“They.” AKA Bruce and Steve.

Soft voice, “I don’t care.”

Tony’s already talking: “I’ll come up there. I’ll explain.” He hears Loki, stops. Lower voiced, he says, “Please don’t do that, Loki.”

“Don’t fall in love with me,” that’s what he means. But it’s too late for that now isn’t it, because Loki already has.

Tony’s like, “I shouldn’t have… I knew this was a bad idea.”

It wasn’t a bad idea Tony, it was a _beautiful_ idea, but why do you have to be like that now?

And Loki opens the car door, he gets out. He’s like, “Really, Tony, as if I never would have gone to a bathhouse, if you hadn’t taken me.”

Ignore the look on Tony’s face. Ignore it, when he says, “Don’t be like that.” Ignore it more when he says, “Loki, please…” Then when he parks the car there… Double-parked, it’s double-parked. And in a no-parking zone. …Loki ignore it most of all, when he gets out of the car and follows him inside. 

He ignores him all the time it takes the elevator to get there. Then the doors slide open and, “Don’t come up with me, Tony,” Loki says. “You know Steve and Bruce will have a cow.”

Tony’s like, “I know.” And he gets in the elevator anyway. (Why does Loki feel glad when he gets in there?) And they ride up in silence together.

And in the hallway outside the apartment, Loki’s like, “Seriously, Tony, you don’t have to come in with me,” again. And again, “Bruce and Steve will freak.”

And Tony’s like, “I know. Oh god, oh god, I knew this was a bad idea.”

And they’re standing there in the hallway. They’re not touching. Tony’s not touching Loki, and Loki’s not touching him. Then… Jesus, where does he get the courage? It’s because of Latveria, isn’t it? Because a place three blocks from a bathhouse has got to be used to gay guys, right? …And then his arms are around Tony’s shoulders… And at first it feels like he’s pulling away, Loki almost lets go of him again. Then Tony’s arms are around his neck, his hands are on Loki’s head, and their mouths are together, their mouths are together so hard.

And it’s a really, really short kiss, but it is a kiss… _Right out there in the hallway, they kissed._ …And then they’re apart again.

Loki’s like, “Seriously Tony, you don’t have to come in with me.”

Tony’s like, “This feels wrong.”

And for once he thinks of the witty answer in time so he can say it: “You should have thought of that a long time ago, Tony.” And oh, Jesus Christ, that is way too true, he can’t think about it.

…And, Tony, Tony. And, Tonytonytonytonytony… 

You have to get up at 6:00 AM, to be at Eddie’s by 7:00, and at that, you’re pushing it. 6:00 AM comes awfully early when it’s past 3:00 when you go to bed. Some would say there’s no point going to bed at all, when you have to get up three hours later. Loki does, though. And he feels like shit when he gets up.

He feels like shit, while he takes a quick shower and climbs into his busboy-outfit, and while he gulps the cup of instant Bruce has for him, when he comes into the kitchen. He feels like shit when they go downstairs together, and when they get into Bruce’s car (his needs gas).

He feels like… Three guesses. Shit? Good job. Hot dog, we have a wiener. …Loki feels like shit, while they’re going up Hilgard and over to Sunset, and while they’re going past the rich peoples’ houses in Beverly Hills. He feels like shit, but he can work. He’s okay, he’s just tired.

And Bruce looks over at a stoplight. “You went with Tony last night, didn’t you?”

Guilty part of his brain says, “Lie.” Guilty part also says, “SO WHAT, IS THAT A CRIME? GET OFF MY CASE, BRUCE!”

And Loki’s like, “How did you know?”

“Put two and two together.” Bruce starts up, goes to another stoplight, stops again. “It’s not rocket science.”

It was the cologne, right? Loki’s like, “You smelled his cologne on me.”

“That and I knew you wanted to go to Latveria.” And start again, go to a stop… _Stop sign_ , this time. …Go to there, stop again. Bruce’s low mutter, “I knew I should have taken Wilshire.”

And he’s like, “If I know, Steve’s gonna know. He’s going to want to lecture you, Loki.”

Why? Because he thinks he’s Loki’s _dad_? (Guilty part of his brain starts yelling, “GET OFF MY CASE,” again.)

And Bruce is like, “Who he’s really going to want to lecture is Tony, but you know how that goes.”

Loki’s like, “No. How does ‘that’ go?”

And... Sunset Strip. Businesses start getting less fancy, and a lot more crowded-together. They’re almost at work.

Bruce is like, “ _You_ know. Steve’ll be all, ‘How could you Tony…’ Like that ever works. Tony will be like, ‘It’s just sex, no harm, no pricetag…’ You know, like the other night.”

Loki’s like, “Well, isn’t that what it is?”

Outside… They’re really almost there. They would be there, but it’s hard finding parking.

And Bruce is like, “Steve doesn’t believe in that.” And there’s a spot. He pulls into it. They get out. Bruce is like, “Steve says that’s the problem with gay men nowadays…”

With _gay_ men…

He’s like, “You know how Steve is, Loki, he’s all, ‘Gay this,’ and, ‘gay that.’ …Steve says gay men nowadays only care about sex, and it’s real intimacy that matters. It’s… You know, love.”

_Love…_

And they’re across the street from Eddies. Then the light changes and they’re crossing.

…Then they’re inside. Eddie’s Eatery, with the “No Fagots” sign over the register, but the cook’s gay, and the guy that works the register in the afternoons. Two of the bus boys on his shift are gay…

And Bruce is like, “Steve got mad because Tony couldn’t commit, that’s why he broke up with him.”

Loki goes, “Tony’s bi.”

And Bruce is like, “Steve says that’s just a word for guys who don’t know they’re gay yet.” Bruce: Shrug-shrug, and that awkward grin. “ _You_ know how Steve is,” he goes.

And… He has to clock in in five minutes. He was thinking he’d get a cup of coffee first. Can’t help it though, he’s got to ask it: “Why did you break up with him, Bruce?” he says.

And another of those shrugs. “We were never really together.” And into the kitchen... Bruce is like, “Hey, Amado, cup of coffee, okay?”

Loki’s like, “Make it two, and can I get mine in a to-go cup?”

Cup in his hand. Waste of time trying to get it open and add stuff. There isn’t enough sugar and Cremora in the world to fix this coffee. Sometime he’s really got to get a bottle of No-Doz, it would have to taste better.

Bruce is sipping his coffee. “God, this stuff sucks.” Wait with him while he adds Cremora, and two packs of Sweet ‘N Low. “It was getting in the way at school, if you have to know,” he says. “Because I’m in his department. I kept seeing him leave with that…” Big gulp of coffee, and he gasps, like he’s burned himself. Then, “You know, with _her_.”

It just comes out: “You mean with Pepper.”

Bruce is like, “He told you? God, you guys got really close in one night.” And one more gulp, coffee’s gone, he takes the cup over to the sink. He goes on, “Yeah, _her_. And it started to get to me, started to make me mad.” He turns and looks straight at Loki. “Did he tell you he’s only with her because of his father?”

And… Clock behind Bruce’s shoulder. It’s 9:05. They’re both late. Doesn’t matter so much for a waiter, but he’s just a bus boy.

And Loki’s like, “No.”

Bruce is like, “Don’t worry, he will.” And, waiter-apron over his head, fumbling hands behind him, as he ties it. “I never could figure out if that was a lie or not,” he says as he walks away.


	7. Love Can Cure Your Problem, You're so Lucky I'm Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces the angry side of Steve Rogers (and then Loki has some 'splaining to do).

“I have the only key to your heart  
I can stop you falling apart.  
Try today, you'll find this way  
Come on and give me a chance to say,  
Let my love open the door, it's all I'm living for  
Release yourself from misery  
There's only one thing gonna set you free  
That's my love, that's my love.”  
\-- Pete Townsend, “Let My Love Open the Door”

Steve does want to lecture… Loki, that is. Loki gets home, seems like right away, Steve starts in on him. “Why’d you do it, Loki? I thought you knew better, I thought you had more sense.”

How’s he even know Loki went to the damn bathhouse? What’s he been doing, spying on him? Isn’t part of being adult supposed to be that you have privacy? He’s paying his own bills here, why’s he still being treated like a kid?

Turns out what he knows, is that Loki was with Tony. Turns out the way he knows that, is he saw Tony today, Tony looked guilty. That’s what Steve says, “He looked guilty.” Says, “Tony knows it was a bad idea, that’s the problem with him, is he never stops to think if something’s a bad idea maybe that means he shouldn’t be doing it.” Sour look on Steve’s face, and he says, “Sometimes I think if he knows something’s a _bad_ idea, that makes Tony want to do it even more.” Sour look reminds Loki, Steve used to be Tony’s boyfriend.

He says, “Just because you couldn’t make it work with him why does that make you think nobody can?” He says, “You and Bruce keep going on and on about, ‘Tony this,’ and, ‘Tony that,’ but Tony’s all right, he’s a nice guy.”

Steve just looks at him. Steve looks at him with a dad-face. He looks at him, like he wants to put The Beav over his knee and give him a good spanking, like he’s about to go, “Loo-ocy, you got some ‘splaining to do.”

Steve can just take his lecture and his disapproval and he can shove ‘em. Who does he think he is, Loki’s father? And he’s like, “If Tony weren’t such a nice guy, he wouldn’t be half as dangerous. I’m just trying to watch out for you here, Loki, I’m older, I’ve got more experience.”

So Loki’s all, “Yeah, and I’ll bet you really liked adults trying to make your decisions for you when you were in college. Leave me alone and let me make my own mistakes, thank you very much.”

Steve goes, “I’m sorry Loki, I’m just watching out for you.” That’s the trouble, is too many people always want to watch out for you. They think just because you’re young, you don’t have any brains at all. Steve goes away. He probably goes off and talks to Bruce, because they’re both “worried about Loki”, aren’t they? They both want to “watch out for him.” Steve and Bruce wouldn’t have gotten that third roommate they needed so desperately, so they could pay the damn rent, if said roommate had known he was moving in with the fuckin’ Gestapo.

And Loki goes to his room, because two nights in a row going to Latveria is not the way for a man to be alert when he has to go to work in the morning. He goes to his room, and falls asleep almost right away, then he’s fresh as a daisy the next day. He doesn’t see Tony, of course. Also doesn’t hear from him (which is _not_ a disappointment, he wasn’t expecting him to call, why would he expect something like that?).

Then the next day at work, who do you suppose shows up right when he’s getting off? …Not “shows up,” technically. What happens, is he’s working the back end of the restaurant, he goes and clocks out, heads toward the exit, and there’s Tony in a booth at the front, two empty Lowenbrau bottles and a plate in front of him. Bruce isn’t up there yet. He had to wash his hands, or go to the bathroom or something. And Tony’s like, “You got a minute?”

Loki does. Yeah, he really, really does. But Bruce is going to be here any minute. He’s like, “Why’d you come here? Bruce and Steve are fuckin’ pissed at you, after what happened the other night.”

Tony looks down. Low voice: “I know.” He’s like, “I talked to Steve. He told me to stay away from you. You know that’s the best idea too, right Loki?”

Loki’s turn to look down. And no answer. Does Tony think he’s his father too suddenly?

Tony’s like, “I’m not going to lie, I would hate like hell to stop seeing you, but you know that’s the best idea.” Gets up, wallet out of back pocket. Over to the register. He jerks his thumb at the sign. “Owner’s an asshole,” he says. “He plays golf at my dad’s club, I made a foursome with him one time. He’s just like that in person, but of course Dad doesn’t care.” Couple bills on the counter. Tony’s like, “Change is for the waiter. Here…” Pulls out another bill. “And that for the busboy.” 

Loki’s like, “If you care so much, why’d you play golf with him? Why do you keep coming here?”

Out onto the sidewalk. They’re standing there, people are going by. Bruce still hasn’t shown.

Tony looks at him. Flash of something like hurt in those brown eyes. Then it’s gone. “Why?” And he shrugs, and he smiles kind of a cynical smile. “You really are young, aren’t you?” Tony’s voice is also sad, maybe sadder than he knows it is, “Everybody thinks that, Loki. Nowadays they try to pretend they don’t, but they do, believe me. It’s there on their faces, you can see it if you look close enough.”

Then Bruce comes out the door. Bruce is like, “Tony?”

Tony says, “Give me a sec.” Looks back at Loki. “You don’t make waves, and nobody’ll hassle you, you can do what you want, see? Steve doesn’t get that. That… What’s his name? Harvey Milk? The guy that got shot in San Francisco? He didn’t get it. Look what happened, his killer got off, didn’t he? Sometimes I worry about Steve.” And he looks over at Bruce. “I needed to talk to Loki. You don’t mind, do you?”

Frown on Bruce’s face says that yeah, he minds. He’s like, “Loki’s driving me home.”

“Yeah, I know, I know.” Tony’s like, “I know you don’t want me anywhere near Loki too, and believe me, I get it.” And they’re walking to the lot across the street, where Eddie’s pays for monthly passes for its employees. “You and Steve need to start being smarter.”

Angry sound in Bruce’s voice, “Smarter?”

“Loki’s not a kid.” Inside the lot, and there’s Tony’s Bugatti, right next to Loki’s Rambler. Tony’s like, “Bathhouses are part of life here in LA, whether you and Steve like it or not, and if you expect Loki not to be curious…”

Angry sound, a little more noticeable, “I expect you to keep your damn hands off him.”

And a long sigh, through his teeth, from Tony. “Yeah, that was a mistake.”

Everybody’s deciding _his_ fate for him. Loki’s like, “I’m standing right here.” He’s like, “I wish all of you would stop protecting me, you’re just as bad as the others, Tony.”

And that knocks the anger out of Bruce, and he says, “We just want you to be safe.”

Then Tony goes, “What he said. We don’t want you to get hurt.”

Everybody’s always worrying. Loki’s like, “People get hurt. Am I supposed to stay away from life?” He looks at Bruce, adds, “Or just Latveria?”

And that gets a smile, from Tony at any rate (but not much of a smile). He’s like, “I think it’s me you’re supposed to stay away from.” And what little smile he had goes away, and he adds, “And I think that’s a good idea.”

“Yeah, you would.” A-aaand, it’s Say the Most Hurtful Thing You Can Think of Time again, folks, welcome to the show: “Guess I wasn’t much good the other night, was I, Tony? Guess maybe Bruce and Steve are better in bed? How did you do them, Tony? Was it one at a time, or did you have them both at once?” He pulls his keys out of his pocket, shoves them at Bruce. “Here, Bruce, you drive yourself home. I want to stay and find out what Tony wanted me for. Guess he just wanted to say good-bye, so that’ll make you and Steve happy, right?”

And yay, hooray, Loki is the winner of Say the Most Hurtful Thing You Can Think of Time, the winnah, and still champeen, eighteen straight years in a row! Give the boy a big hand here, folks. And Bruce’s face has gone white. He takes the keys, mumbles something that sounds like, “Sorry, Loki.” Unlocks the car door, looks back to add, “Guess I was out of line a little.”

Loki’s like, “Yeah, I guess you were.” He looks at Tony (and Tony’s face is even whiter). _Good_. Let them both feel the way they made him feel for once.

And Bruce drives away. It’s just him and Tony. Loki’s like, “You will drive me home?”

_God,_ the look on Tony’s face.

Loki’s like, “You know, you said you were going to stay away from me? Because _Steve_ and _Bruce_ want you to? That doesn’t include just leaving me to find my own way home, I hope?”

Low voice from Tony, “Christ, Loki, you really know how to twist the knife.”

“Yeah,” he thinks, “I know.”

Tony’s like, “All I ever wanted to do was show you a good time, and you’re the one that decided…”

_He_ decided? It felt like it was both of them deciding the other night.

Tony’s like, “The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you…” Loki must move or something at that point, he must show how that makes him feel, because Tony goes on like, “I thought I was going to be like a big brother to you, but it didn’t… I mean, I’m not saying it’s your fault, it’s not anybody’s fault, but it’s harder to make that work out than I thought it would be.” 

And Tony’s unlocking his car they’re getting in. Loki asks, “Do you love me, Tony?” Somehow it doesn’t feel like a gamble to ask it.

And there’s a long silence. Sound of the car starting, but no talking, they’re neither of them talking. Then Tony’s voice, “Yeah.” Short laugh, like he knows he said too much, and he’s like, “As much as I can love anybody.”

And Loki laughs (and it’s the same kind of cynical laugh). “How much is that?”

And now Tony’s voice is really light, but it’s still a kind of an edgy lightness. “Oh you know, not very much.” And he’s like, “Pep…” Stops himself, like he knows better than to mention her name. “Some people say I’d sell my soul for a good lay or a dry martini.”

And, same edgy lightness, “Would you?”

“Maybe the lay.” Back on Sunset. Traffic’s easier now. “Perhaps a really good Chardonnay. Martinis are overrated.”

Cynicism. Let’s all have fun here. (Don’t look at the black waters, surging, right beneath your feet. Don’t look at what’s swimming in those waters.)

Loki’s like, “So why did you want to talk to me?”

Not very many people can manage a graceful shrug, while they’re cutting a Porsche off in traffic, but Tony manages it. Says, “I knew you were going to go back to Latveria, whether you went with me or not.” He also manages a long, lingering glance… Glance looks like it’s supposed to be playful, but the real feelings show, maybe, more than Tony wants them to. “…You’re going to need something to help you forget me.”

Loki thinks, “Yeah that would be if you weren’t going to keep seeing me.” He’s won this, he can afford to wait now, until Tony figures it out too.

He’s like, “And you think a bathhouse is going to be my cure for getting over the wonderful Tony Stark?” 

Tony’s light, light voice, “Obviously. Everyone knows sex cures everything.”

And Loki’s voice, still lighter, “Except venereal disease.”

Tony’s like, “Don’t talk about that, do you want to take all the romance out of it?” And the drive goes quicker, with him at the wheel. He’s like, “I told you I wanted to introduce you to Victor, remember?”

“Because you think I can fall in love with him on the rebound?” (Tony’s crazy if he thinks Loki’s going to need to fall in love with anyone “on the rebound.”)

And Tony laughs. “I’ll have to tell him you said that.” He’s like, “Victor’s cool, he’ll watch out for you when I’m not around.” (He’s also crazy if he thinks Loki is going to go to Latveria “when he’s not around.”)

Eyelashes low, and face very innocent… Loki is good at making his face look innocent. “…You just want him for a threesome with us.”

And that gets another laugh. “Oh god, oh god. Wait’ll you meet Victor, you’ll know how funny that is.”

Loki makes Tony laugh. And Tony makes Loki laugh. (They’re perfect for each other.)

Tony’s like, “You’ll go to Latveria with me now, right?” And, expert turn off Sunset onto Veteran, UCLA on one side, National Cemetery on the other. He’s like, “Just long enough to meet Victor, then I’ll take you home right afterward?”

Loki says, “Sure Tony, sure.” Eyelashes lowered again, “Maybe we could get some dinner before we go home?”

Tony’s like, “Sure.” (And Tony is crazy if he thinks he’s taking Loki home any time tonight.)


	8. Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces Victor von Doom (the infamous _Victor_ ). Also tells some more about Tony's past.

“Time goes by  
No time to cry  
Life's you and I  
Alive today.

Love lift us up where we belong  
Where the eagles cry,  
On a mountain high.  
Love lift us up where we belong  
Far from the world we know,  
Where the clear winds blow.”  
\-- Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes, “Up Where We Belong”

Dinner, later that night before they go back to Tony’s apartment: Tony’s like, “What suits your fancy?”

And there’s this bright-colored sign, just down the street. This sign, pink and green, with this Asian-looking writing on it. Loki’s like, “Sushi, what’s that like?”

And Tony’s warm eyes, looking down into his eyes. Is that a flash of sadness there, or something else, not quite happy? It’s not there long enough for him to even be sure he saw it, and then Tony goes, “Like eating a cliché, is what it’s like, like putting the entire Spirit of the 1980’s into your mouth in one bite.” Soft laugh, and his arm goes around Loki’s waist for a minute. Just long enough for Loki to realize that it’s there, he’s just hugged him out in public. Then he lets go. And he murmurs, “I’m so old.” Then, “You want sushi tonight Loki, then sushi you shall have.”

Then they’re in the restaurant. And the way it works at a sushi restaurant is you sit at this counter, little plates of food go by on a conveyer belt, and there are three guys with sharp knives standing there, looking like John Belushi, when he does the Samurai Deli skit. And the food is good. Tony gets California Rolls, because he says everybody likes California Rolls, and he gets fried shrimp, which you dip in soy sauce mixed with lemon juice. And there’s this stuff on your plate, like this little pile of green stuff.

Tony’s like, “You want to watch out for that stuff. I know it looks just like guacamole, but it’s not…”

 _Guacamole_ … Like they have _guacamole_ on everything, all the time, back in Minnesota.

Loki’s like, “Do you know how much of a Californian you sound like?”

“Just watch out for it is all,” Tony says. “It’s spicy.”

And so after that, Loki has to take a taste, and when he does, Tony starts laughing. “You should see your face,” he says, and oh god, oh god, there’s so much tenderness in his voice when he says it.

Oh, and the stuff really is very, very spicy. You really want to watch out for it, if you go to a sushi restaurant. …And it’s called “wasabi,” by the way.

And you eat sushi with Japanese beer, at least you do when you’re out with Tony. And the restaurant isn’t picky about carding you. Tony says that’s pretty normal around a university. “Otherwise you drive all the sorority girls away,” he says.

And then Loki shows him the horrible fake ID Thor got him, and Tony starts laughing again. “Who is that guy in the picture?” he says. “And have you ever really tried to pass yourself off as Ole Jorgensen?” And he says he’s almost tempted to take him somewhere where he can use the ID, just to see if anyone will accept it, but… “That’ll make me feel even older than I already do,” he says. “Do you know how long it’s been since I had to use a fake ID?”

Two Sapporos, and Loki’s feeling pretty brave. “How old are you?” he says.

Tony’s 28, by the way. That isn’t so old.

He’s like, “I got my PhD right after my 21st birthday…”

Tony is also _brilliant_ , by the way.

He’s like, “PhD when I was 21, I used a real ID for the first time when Dad took us out to celebrate. Place called The Blue Room.” Little sparkle of Tony in his eyes for a moment. “Our waiter was hot.”

Smile from Loki. “Naturally you would notice that.”

“Yeah.” Naturally he didn’t do anything about it either, though. Because he was with “Dad”. (Loki’s starting to really hate this “Dad” of his.)

Tony’s like, “God, that was a long time ago.”

And Loki’s like, “Seven years, that’s not so long.”

Tony’s eyes look back, “How old were you, seven years ago?” And Loki’s brain throws up the answer, “Eleven,” but nobody has to say anything, and it really doesn’t matter anyway, does it?

And then Tony says, “Green tea ice cream, you have to eat green tea ice cream for dessert when you have Japanese food.” And green tea ice cream is good, it’s very creamy, and sort of herby-tasting. And then on the way to where Tony parked his car, they go by a flower stand. Loki stops, pays for a bunch of flowers with a five dollar bill he got as a tip that day.

Tony’s like, “You like flowers?”

Loki: “Doesn’t everybody?”

The flowers are there in Tony’s apartment now. There were vases… Of course there were vases. That place has _everything_ , and Tony never seems to use any of it. …Loki found one, square-cut crystal. And if you think the bunch of mixed flowers he got for $3.99 doesn’t look funny, in an expensive crystal vase, you’re nuts, but it’s there now. It’s there, and he put it there, and every time he looks at it, Tony is going to think of him.

…He may also have left a sock over there again. Also, Tony never did give him back the socks from the other time. That makes three things of _his_ , in Tony’s apartment.

The sex? It’s good. Tony’s like, “You have to go to work in the morning, don’t you?”

Loki’s like, “I’ll call in sick just this once.”

Just this once, and who cares if he loses the stupid job over it anyway? Aren’t busboy jobs a dime a dozen? Didn’t he see a Help Wanted card in the window of one of the restaurants they passed on the way back to the car tonight?

Tony’s like, “You should have a job on campus anyway.” And he’s like, “I’ll ask around… What did you say your major was anyway?” And he doesn’t know very many people in the Film Department, but so what? So what if he doesn’t find anything, there are a million restaurants in Westwood Village, and some of them have got to need busboys. …Or Loki could work as a waiter maybe.

…And the sex was good… No, it was great. Tony’s got this huge, huge bed… This bed, with black sheets.

Loki’s like, “You were talking about clichés?”

And a laugh from Tony.

Loki’s like, “I’m surprised you didn’t put mirrors on the ceiling…”

“ _Black sheets,_ ” Tony goes, “what’s so horrible about that?”

Loki’s like, “Where’s the fur bedspread? Where do you keep your sex toys? Oh, and you could have gotten a waterbed, you know.”

Laugh from Tony, and a hug (and they’re both of them bare-ass naked). And Tony’s like, “I do have some videos. They’re in the other room. If you want to watch one…”

And Loki’s like, “Maybe later.”

These are porn videos he’s talking about. Porn videos with _men_ in them… With _only_ men in them, right? ~~(Or does he mean the kind he watches with _Pepper_?)~~

They don’t need videos. There are plenty of things they didn’t do together the other time. They’ve got all night together, and Tony’s got a drawer-ful of KY, which is good, because some of the things they do hurt a little, just at the beginning. And they do them…

Scene, Loki lying facedown on the bed, bare-ass naked. And Tony, looking down on him (also naked). Tony’s hands, on Loki’s bare back, and along the curve of his buttocks. His voice, “God, you’re so beautiful.” And very soft, “You’re sure you want me to do this?”

And Loki’s voice, “I want it.” (But deep in his mind, the question, “It’s not going to hurt, is it?”)

Tony’s hands, very gentle, and then… Then the feel of his tongue, in between… Then his mouth’s in there, and Loki can’t keep back a little gasp, because it’s just so unexpected, but Tony just waits a minute, and the unexpectedness goes away. It starts to feel like the most natural thing in the world, and you know what? It feels like being cherished.

And Loki’s voice (just a little too uneven), “I suppose you do this with all your dates?”

Tony’s like, “All my dates aren’t like you, Loki.”

And don’t worry about what that means, you don’t always have to think about those things. And Tony’s mouth touches him in ways Loki never thought about being touched. “It’s to get you ready,” Tony says. And before Loki can think about what he’s being “gotten ready” for, Tony’s mouth is back there again, and his tongue is inside, it’s just sort of teasing him. And it feels good, it makes him shiver, and it makes him… It makes him harder than he’s ever been before is what it does. And Tony’s tongue just plays with him and plays with him, then his fingers are in there. Then when Loki can’t help squirming, and he can’t help moaning a little, then…

Soft sound, that’s Tony using the KY. Touch of something large, where nothing large has ever been before. And Loki moans again, but this time it’s half fear.

And Tony’s voice, “Nothing to be scared about.” He’s like, “Just relax, just relax Loki…”

And god, it feels good when he says his name like that. And then the feel of him going in… He goes in very slowly, and it’s just a little at a time. And Tony’s like, “Is that okay? Is that too much?”

And for a while, Loki really wants to say that it is, there’s part of him that just wants this to stop. But there’s another part that can’t stand for it to stop, and it’s not just because he wants the experience, there’s the excitement too. And the excitement gets bigger and bigger. And then Tony’s moving inside him. Then he’s _riding_ him almost, so hard the bed creaks a little. Tony’s like, “You can touch yourself if you want to.” Loki doesn’t need to. This is… Well, it’s _enough_ , is what it is.

And Tony’s shout, coming from above him: “Oh god, Loki… Oh god, oh god, Loki, that’s so good.”

And then they’re curled together, and Loki’s like, “Yeah, it was, wasn’t it?” And they still have half the night left.

They find ways to use the rest of the night. And Loki isn’t fired when he calls in sick the next day. (He talks to Amado. Amado’s like, “That guy you left with yesterday?” And Loki’s like, “Yeah.” Amado’s like, “Loki, you better be careful.” Loki’s like, “Yeah, I know, everybody tells me that.”) And Tony takes him to a place that serves cappuccino and scones for breakfast. They sit outside in the shade, and watch the sorority girls go by.

Loki wants to say, “You think that one’s hot? You think that one’s hot?” But he doesn’t; he doesn’t know what Tony would say back.

And Tony says, “You know, I’m not like this with everybody.”

“Like what?” Loki says back.

“Like…” Shrug, and a sip of cappuccino. There’s foam on his upper lip when Tony looks back at him. “Like…” And a smile (a foamy, kind of a rueful smile). “I mean you’re special in your own way, I don’t just give everybody the same old line.”

And Loki can’t help asking, “What do you do?”

And Tony looks down at his coffee. “I guess…” He looks up. “I guess everyone I’m with is special to me in their own way. I…” And he frowns. “I can’t help it, I’m sorry Loki, but I’d change for you.”

And part of Loki wants to answer, “No you wouldn’t,” but is that the truth? How are you even supposed to know what’s the truth and what’s not?

Loki’s like, “You don’t have to change.” (And that isn’t really the truth either.)

…Oh, that guy he met at Latveria that night, by the way? That guy Victor? He went to college with Tony, that’s the story with him. They were… Well they weren’t together, if that’s what you’re thinking. Tony’s like, “I’m not that much of a whore.” (With a laugh that he doesn’t really mean.) …They went to college together is what it is, and then Victor went into business here in LA, and then an ex-boyfriend talked him into giving up his good-paying job and sinking all his savings into the bathhouse. Do _not_ talk to Victor about his ex-boyfriend. He’s like, “If this place gets raided by the cops one more time, so help me I’m going to track him down and kill him. I’ll kill him slowly… Jesus Christ, I never thought Victor von Doom would have to pay the cops protection money…” It’s the drugs is why, because everybody brings drugs into Latveria. (You also don’t want to talk to him about drugs if you can help it.)

Victor says of course he’ll watch out for Loki when he’s at Latveria. He also says, “You’re showing good taste with this one, Stark, maybe this will stop you tomcatting around all the time.”

And Tony’s like, “We can always hope.”

And Loki’s thinking, “It damn well better stop him,” but he’s also thinking, “Will it, though?” But you know, where there’s life there’s pain, right? And loss. And in the meantime, he’s going to do everything he can to make it stop, he’s not losing Tony without a fight.


	9. It's Everything They Say, the End of a Perfect Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces Tony's "other place". In _Bel Air_. With a _lawn_. (Pepper lives there.)

“Drive west on Sunset  
To the sea  
Turn that jungle music down  
Just until we're out of town  
This is no one night stand  
It's a real occasion  
Close your eyes and you'll be there  
It's everything they say  
The end of a perfect day  
Distant lights from across the bay.  
Babylon sisters shake it  
Babylon sisters shake it  
So fine so young  
Tell me I'm the only one.

Here come those Santa Ana winds again.”  
\-- Steely Dan, “Babylon Sisters”

Okay, here’s what it’s like being “with” Tony: First of all, Tony’s not really comfortable being “with” anyone, and he keeps going, “You realize, I fall in love with everyone.” He’ll be like, “I’m the world’s biggest whore, just ask anyone, one day you’ll wake up and I’ll be gone…” Over fries, you understand, or those fried zucchinis he likes, because he says they’re “healthy,” at Eddie’s, after Loki gets off work. …They’ll sit there for hours, fries on the table getting cold, and the empty beer bottles accumulating. Tony’ll be like, “…You’ll wake up one day, and you’ll decide you’re tired of my shit, everyone gets tired of my shit sooner or later.” Yeah, he doesn’t like being “with” anyone.

But Loki is so totally “with” Tony. And little by little, his clothes start moving over into Tony’s apartment. …Into his apartment on Sepulveda, just down from the onramp for the 405… There’s a reason that place didn’t look lived in before, that would be because Tony’s got another place too. His parents picked it out, AKA, his dad did (AKA, the infamous _Dad_ ). “Bel Air,” he says. “It’s got a lawn.” Also, “Pepper lives there.” AKA, presumably, he lives there with Pepper… You ever start wondering how this “Pepper” feels about _her fiancé_ vanishing for weeks at a time, to go live with somebody else? Because Loki is starting to, big time.

…So Tony’s got this other place (in _Bel Air_ , with a _lawn_ ), but he spends most of his nights at the place on Sepulveda, and Loki spends all his nights over there, and his clothes are there, and most of his books and stuff. Tony’s like, “It’s cool,” also, “I like to think about you over there…” AKA, when he’s out at parties and shit with Pepper, he likes to think about it. And Loki will be at the apartment. Tony’s all like, “You should go out, Loki, turnabout’s fair play, we have an open relationship, etc. etc.” All the incredible _open-ness_ you’re going to want to manage, when chances are you’ve got to get up early for work the next morning. Loki’s fine with a pizza and a rerun of _The Love Boat_ , most nights. Anyway, if he did go out, he’d just be thinking of Tony the whole time.

And Steve and Bruce are cool with it, they’re like… Well, they’re mostly cool with it. Bruce is like, “I get the appeal, and if you can make him happy, because he’s not happy, not at all.” And Steve’s like, “If he hurts you, so help me I’ll break his neck.”

Steve… Loki was like, “Have you had to break his neck very many times so far?” And Steve was all like, “It’s not Tony’s fault, I get it… Didn’t I tell you he has issues?”

…They’re cool with it anyway, that’s the part that matters, because even if he’s just known them for a couple of months, Loki likes to think of Steve and Bruce as his friends. And half the time after work, he’ll be over at the Wilshire apartment, half the time he and Bruce’ll hang at the place on Sepulveda. They’ll order a pizza… Dr. Munchie’s. Is that the most _70’s_ name in the world, or what? But they have free delivery. …Or they’ll get Amado to fix them a couple of club sandwiches to go, when they get off work or something, and they’ll split a six-pack and they’ll talk. …This is the nights Tony’s at a party or someplace else with his parents and Pepper.

Bruce’ll be all like, “Oh, _Science Magazine_ this,” and, “I want to do my own research, but you have to kiss so many asses to get time in the labs, they only give that to the grad students.” He’ll be like, “Don’t worry, it’s probably not like that in the Film School, anyway, you probably won’t piss everyone off the way I did,” and Loki’ll be thinking, “This is it, I’m really doing it, I’m starting college in…” And first it’s two months, then it’s one month… UCLA starts really early, they start in mid-August, and that’s getting closer and closer. He’ll be thinking, “Mostly Gen Ed courses the first year, right? Will I be able to take something in my major?” And maybe they’ll smoke some pot or something, maybe they’ll just hang out and watch TV.

And Steve’ll be… Well probably he’s out doing something political, he’s with his activist friends or something. Steve seriously needs to cool it with all that politics and stuff, it’s not just Tony that finds it boring. Steve’s always going on and on about, “Oh, Stonewall Democrats, and National Convention, and Youth Delegates this and that.” He’s like, “First time a major party has endorsed a gay rights platform, do you know how big that is?” Bruce and Loki will just be like, “Yeah, sure, like we can afford a trip to New York.” …Not that it wouldn’t be cool and stuff. See where they filmed _Taxi Driver,_ like, Times Square, wasn’t it? …And all those places Woody Allen puts in his movies, like the Russian Tea Room, and… What museum was that in _Manhattan_? Like, The Guggenheim? Something like that? …Steve’s not going either, by the way. He’s got to work. “One of the times I wish I still had a rich boyfriend,” he says, and he looks over at Loki. “Sorry, Loki.”

Sorry for what? Like he’s not going to remember Steve and Bruce both used to date Tony if they don’t say anything? So they dated him, that’s okay. Everyone _used to_ date Tony (but it’s Loki that’s dating him now).

…So yeah, Steve’s gone all summer, helping out long-distance with the National Convention or whatever it is… Conversation with Tony: Loki’s like, “Who are you going to vote for?” (You can’t be around Steve all the time and _not_ start thinking about it.) And this shrug from Tony. He’s like, “I know who Dad wants me to vote for…” Ronald Reagan, he means. Every conservative’s wet dream. Victor said that one night, when they were at Latveria. He was like, “Of course he’s every conservative’s wet dream, but I’m going to vote for him, the Dow is going to go _through the roof_ when he gets in, and I’ll make up some of what I lost on this place.” …Tony’s like, “I probably won’t vote, I’m not very political. I hope that doesn’t disappoint you, Loki.” 

And Loki was like, “It doesn’t disappoint me, anyway, Steve says Jimmy Carter isn’t much better…”

What he said was, “You know he’s a Baptist, he thinks we’re all going to Hell,” and then Bruce said something about, “Piece of shit Baptists, and their piece of shit religion.” Tony has to have heard all that before, he’s hung with both of them enough. Loki just said, “Jimmy Carter’s not much better, I probably won’t vote either.” And then after that was probably a night when they were in each others’ arms all night, either that or maybe they went to Latveria.

…Or maybe Tony took him to the Hollywood Bowl… Was that the night he took him to the Hollywood Bowl? Because he said he _had_ to go. “You can’t live in LA and _not_ go to the Bowl, at least once,” he said. And then there was this long logistical nightmare of, which nights was Pepper going to be there, and when could he count on not to have his parents show up. And then Tony was like, “Here, this is the perfect night for a Film student, because they’re showing clips of German Expressionist films…” And maybe… Just maybe? …Maybe Loki wished, just a little bit, that he knew for sure that’s why Tony picked _that_ night, and not because he knew for sure nobody else he knew was going to be there.

…Maybe? Fuck Steve and his, “Everybody needs to be out and proud, everywhere, and at every time,” bullshit. Some people stay closeted for a _reason_ , okay? Tony’s explained it: His professorship? He’s got that courtesy of Mommy, it’s some kind of a foundation or something that she runs, and all the money goes through her. She’s, like, so totally going to keep on providing the funding for Tony if he comes out gay and ruins her chances for grandkids. And he was like, “Maybe if I had a million brothers and sisters…” (And Loki was thinking, “No, they’d probably just find another excuse to control you.”)

…Okay, yeah, the Bowl: It looks just like it does in the Warner Brothers cartoons. You know the one where Bugs takes over from the conductor, and he makes the fat singer-guy pop his shirt collar? It looks just like that, except you don’t sit down close, the thing is to bring a picnic, and you sit up high, on the grass, under a tree. And that shell-thing means better acoustics, so you can still hear everything really good (but it doesn’t do anything to make seeing the screen any easier). And it’s really hot, and it smells like trampled grass. And then the sprinklers come on someplace close-by... You can hear them, but you can’t see them. …And the smell is damp herbs, really heavy, and sort of _alive_ -smelling, and the sun goes down, and it gets darker, and it starts to get a little cooler. And there’s no point looking at the screen, you can’t see it very well anyway. Loki looks out at the horizon, and the way the Los Angeles sky doesn’t turn dark at night, it turns _pink_ , just like a seashell. And after a while when it’s dark enough, Tony slides over, and he puts his arm around his waist. And Loki leans against him, and they kiss a little.

…Baklava. They brought baklava that night. And shwarma sandwiches, and they got cold before they could eat them, but they still tasted okay. And they brought a couple bottles of Chardonnay. And sitting there… Feeling a little buzzed from the wine, and a little more buzzed from the pot somebody was smoking, somewhere close to them in the darkness. …Sitting there, and he’s got Tony’s warm arm around his shoulder, and he can hear his breathing, and it goes in rhythm with his own. …And then the concert’s over, and he’s half asleep. And Tony laces his fingers with Loki’s… He just looks around a little, and no one’s looking, and he laces their fingers together, and they walk out to the parking lot (where they get caught in a lot of LA traffic, trying to get to the freeway). _That’s_ what it’s like, going out with Tony. It’s like that night, all the good times they have together, and the closeness of it… The way it’s got this _Los Angeles_ flavor, that’s part the pink skies, and part the nonstop sunshine (and the smog), and part that everything’s right there in the city, and they can go do whatever they like. …But that’s not all of it, there’s also the little bit of loneliness, that comes of knowing he’s sharing Tony’s life with somebody else (even though Tony never talks about her). And there’s just the faintest worry about what’ll happen, if Mommy and Daddy ever decide to drop the hammer, and make him marry Pepper.

…And he sends Thor a Hollywood Bowl postcard, the day after they go. They didn’t go to the gift store while they were there, Loki doesn’t even know if the Bowl has a gift store, but he gets the card the next day, when he’s at Gelson’s for milk and Frosted Flakes. And he writes, “Having a great time, wish you were here.” It’s what you write on postcards, isn’t it? It doesn’t mean he wishes Thor were here. Thor’s probably having a fine time himself, he and the Warriors, and that girl Jane that he was with.


	10. I Took the Liberty of Bullshitting You, Okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces college life. And an election. ...And _President_ Reagan.

Jake: “You were supposed to keep in touch with the band. I kept asking you if we were gonna play again.”  
Elwood: “Well, what was I gonna do? Take away your only hope? Take away the very thing that kept you going in there? I took the liberty of bullshitting you, okay?”  
Jake: “You lied to me.”  
Elwood: “It wasn't a lie, it was just bullshit.”  
\-- Dan Akroyd and John Belushi, _The Blues Brothers_

And then it’s registration time. Full scholarship doesn’t mean you don’t have to go in to Financial Aid. They want to see you, they want to know you’re taking a full load of courses. Full load means 16 units, and that’s four classes. Freshman Comp, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, Western Civ, Tuesdays and Thursdays… Also, German I, also something called Finite Mathematics for the Humanities Student… Who knew, apparently you need _mathematics,_ to make films. And _finite_ mathematics at that, oh well, we live and learn. …Also, finally, History of the American Motion Picture, Mondays and Wednesdays. Did you know you’re supposed to arrange your schedule so you won’t have any Friday classes? Tony tells him that. He says everybody does it. “The campus is a ghost town on Fridays,” he says, “just a few international students, a whole lot of freshmen…”

Give him a nudge. “You realize, you just called me a ghost?”

Tony laughs, and he says, “You’ll see what I mean. Wait’ll the second week of classes, you watch how many people cut that English class of yours.”

Sitting in the Bombshelter. Lunch counter, over in the Science part of campus. Like, it’s way out of the way for everywhere Loki needs to go of course, but Tony’s office is over there. Week before classes start, and he’s been busy, getting things ready.

And he’s like, “Two classes.” He’s got a falafel sandwich in front of him, bottle of Perrier water, some stuff called tabbouleh… Tabbouleh is mostly parsley, by the way. Just this ground-up garnish-y, herb-y stuff, some grains of some kind mixed in, and they call that a salad out here. And people laugh at the Midwest because of Jello salads. _Please_. …Tony’s got his falafel, which he isn’t eating. He’s got a second bottle of Perrier water, having finished the first one in two gulps, three at the most. And he’s like, “Two classes this quarter, both of ‘em graduate seminars. There are professors who would _kill_ for my schedule.” …He doesn’t sound very happy about that.

Tony and his schedule, yeah. Tony, and how he’s not happy about it, and all that…

One night last week, and he was out with Pepper. It was some kind of fundraiser thing of his mom’s, and he didn’t come home all night, he just slept over at the Bel Air place. And Loki’s fought off the thoughts about what he’s doing over there. You can’t let yourself get hung up on that, seriously. You’ll go crazy if you do. And working hard is a good way to distract your mind. It’s also a good way to get noticed at work. He gets off and he’s got all this money in his pocket. His tips are always through the roof, the nights Tony’s going out with Pepper.

And Bruce drives them home. Stopping at Gelson’s, and Loki buys Kahlua and cream, they go home and drink until going out to Tommy’s at midnight for chili burgers makes sense. They don’t crash the car, they get there just fine. Crappy little table out front is all there is to eat at, and they take their burgers and they sit down.

Loki’s like, “What’s the deal with Tony?” Kind of question you ask only late at night. …Kind of question you don’t even ask then, not unless you’ve had a lot to drink, but he asks it: What’s the deal? He’s smart, he’s got a PhD. Why doesn’t he just get a job on his own, so his parents won’t control him anymore?

And Bruce, looking at his burger… Bruce, taking the lid off, looking down at the pool of orange grease there. “Why do we eat this stuff?” he says. “You know someday we’re going to have heart attacks, we’re going to wonder why. We’ll have forgotten all about this.” …Bruce, ignoring his question.

Just when Loki was about to ask again, that’s when he answered: “I dunno,” he says. “Sometimes I get jealous of Tony having someone to help him. Have you got somebody to help you? Because I sure don’t.”

And right then, Loki flashed on Dad, back at home. What was it Dad used to say? “Be a teacher, son, there are always jobs out there for teachers.” He flashes on Thor… And where’s Thor right now? …Where was he that night? Probably out getting drunk somewhere, after a day of football practice. Football team always has to show up early, right? And he was probably out with his new buddies, bunch of muscle-headed jocks, who’d make the Warriors look like Rhodes scholars by comparison.

And Loki says, “I have Tony.” And he says, “You do too, he helps you, doesn’t he Bruce? Didn’t he get you your job at Eddie’s?”

Bruce, still messing around with his burger. He never did eat any of it, threw the whole thing away untouched when they left. Paper it came in was all grease-stained and shit, table was covered with the chili that had fallen off of it. He never looks up from that thing, and he says, “Yeah, sure. Long as you’re willing to keep things on the down-low, Tony’s right there. Sometimes I think Steve’s got the right idea,” he says. “Just come out already, if you’re gay. Tell everyone, ‘This is who I am, this is who I’m with.’ Then you can find out who really cares about you and who doesn’t, and you go from there.”

And something inside Loki says, “I wish Tony would do that.” And then something else says, “Why doesn’t he? It’s not like he couldn’t make it on his own.” And you know, sometimes you’ll say that stuff, sometimes it never gets said. And his own Tommy Special three quarters eaten, Bruce’s sitting there, with the grease slowly congealing… Too much Kahlua and cream in his stomach to be there watching that, and too many memories of how that burger didn’t really taste all that good going down in the first place. And they go home that night, and the conversation never does get finished. And then the next night Tony’s back, and he takes Loki out to a place called Spago.

And that was, like, the end of July. And then the month’s over, and then… You know what came? Letter from Thor, it came the same day his Fall course catalogue did, maybe a day or so after. Yeah, Thor’s all, “Coach says this,” and, “Coach says that.” He’s all, “My team, and my teammates, it’s all gonna be so awesome.” And this picture in there, and he’s grinning, he’s got his arms around two guys the size of houses. Just this whole, big, Thor-ego thing, and then this P.S, that goes, “Looking forward to seeing you over Christmas Break, you are coming home, right?” And that letter… 

There’s this thing in the entry-hall, like a little table-thing, right? Letter’s on there. And Tony finds it, he sees the picture. He’s like, “One of these jocks a friend of yours? Is he a brother or something? I can’t picture you being friends with football players.”

Loki’s like, “Yeah, you could say he’s sort of a brother.” There’s way too much story to tell there, way too much that’s happened between him and Thor.

Tony’s like, “Which one?” And Loki points to Thor, and Tony’s like, “He doesn’t look much like you, does he?”

Loki’s like, “No, he doesn’t.” And then some more mail comes. Letter gets buried under a pizza flyer, menu for a Chinese delivery-place, couple letters from Congressmen, and some shit like that. It’s still there, probably… 

What is there to say? He isn’t going back for Christmas. Plane tickets cost up the ass, anyway, Tony’s taking him to the Rose Parade. This, apparently, is something else you can’t be a real Angeleno without doing, and he’s all like, “There are some restaurants in Old Town Pasadena. We’ll get dinner, I’ll keep you warm all night while we wait.” Because you sleep out the night before the parade, apparently. Sleeping bags, on the hard sidewalk, and it gets colder than you think, in Los Angeles at night. And Tony’s like, “That’s part of the appeal, and you drink cocoa with peppermint schnapps, that keeps you warm.”

Loki was like, “And we go to the game the next day? Is that also part of the appeal?” It isn’t, by the way. Mom and Dad go to that, see, and of course Tony can’t risk being seen by them, with someone besides Pepper. Which brings you back full-circle…

You know where Thor’s letter ended up? It falls out of Loki’s course catalogue while he’s getting registered, is what happens. He notices it, just a second after some guy’s big feet walk across it, and he picks it up…

What ends up happening, is he sends another postcard… Plenty of them in the Student Store. You don’t even have to look, they’re right over by the check-out. Loki grabs the closest one: Football team, winning a game. Fiesta bowl win in 1978, maybe, when they were the second placed college team in the country, or maybe it’s their win in the Rose Bowl, in 1976. When was the last time the Gophers made the Rose Bowl, Thor? 1960 or something like that? …Loki sends that card, writes something on the back of it, “I miss you, Thor,” or some such. Not much space on the back of a postcard, there’s only so much detail you can go into.

He sends that postcard, after that he doesn’t think about Thor any more. (And Thor probably isn’t thinking about him any either.) Loki thinks about classes. He thinks about keeping up on his work, lot of bullshit essays he has to write for Comp… Tony’s right, by the way: Class is half empty, every Friday after the first one. …He thinks about _Finite Mathematics for the Humanities Student,_ and writing what he’s supposed to write for his Motion Picture class. Evaluate _Birth of a Nation,_ evaluate _Modern Times,_ and so on… Make time the night they’re showing _Battleship Potemkin_ on campus, and Tony goes with him, and his arm’s around Loki’s shoulders all through the movie.

…Nudge Tony to wake up after the film’s over by the way. He’s like, “I’m sorry, all those subtitles…”

And Loki’s like, “ _All_ silent films have subtitles.”

Tony, hiding a yawn. And he’s like, “ _Silent_ , yeah, that’s another thing.” Later on he finds where _The Blues Brothers_ is playing, takes Loki to that, says, “This is what motion pictures should be.”

Loki’s like, “Long version of a skit from _Saturday Night Live,_ su-uuure it is, Tony.” Doesn’t let himself think about Elwood Blues, always telling his brother whatever he wants to hear, saying, “It’s not a lie, it’s only bullshit.” Tony doesn’t lie to him, he’s pretty sure of that. …But maybe he bullshits himself sometimes?

And after that, it all kind of blurs together. It’s just fall, just this long, hot fall. …And the nights when he falls asleep in Tony’s arms, and the other nights, when Tony’s out, it’s just him and Bruce, they’ll be studying or they’ll argue about politics or whatever. …And then another kind of nights: Tony’s like, “Here, use my office Loki, you can study in here.” And he shows him how to use the computer. “You can write your papers on here,” he says, “use the printer to print them out.” And then writing papers in there, and the piles of his papers, that get mixed up with Tony’s papers (and Tony’s sifting through the poems he has to read for Comp, and the copies of this film essay or that film essay, trying to find what he’s working on himself). Loki’s an expert at tearing apart the printed-out pages and getting the roller guide strips off the edges, and the weird, dot-matrix font the printer uses, starts to look almost normal.

Nothing more from Thor of course. That’s no surprise, he never was much of a writer. Nothing from any of his friends back home. They’re all forgetting him… No, they’re probably just busy. And he’s busy, and Bruce is busy, and Tony’s busy. …And Steve’s busier than all of them, he’s always passing out pamphlets, or making calls from the Young Democrats’ office off-campus. And then November 4th comes, Steve’s out walking precinct, and he comes home really early.

…He comes home just a few minutes after Bruce and Loki saw the news on TV, and he’s like, “Carter just conceded.”

Bruce is like, “Yeah.” Thumb pointed toward the TV, where NBC is broadcasting live from the Reagan victory celebration.

Steve’s acting like it’s the end of the world, but Tony says it doesn’t matter much. “Nothing’s going to change,” he says. “One politician’s just like another, they’re all out for number one, and to hell about the rest of us.”


	11. All You Have to do is Look at me to Know that Every Word is True

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces Sam Wilson, and some of the reasons why Loki still goes to Latveria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I don't have Loki coming across divisive, or judgmental in this chapter. I really am trying to get the characters' attitudes accurate for the time I'm writing about. I've got _Faggots,_ by Larry Kramer, and I've got _And the Band Played On,_ and a couple of other books that I'm using for a reference. I want the same progression in this story, that I have read about actually happening during the 80's, when a crisis brought the LGBT community together.

“And as for fortune and as for fame  
I never invited them in,  
Though it seemed to the world  
They were all I desired  
They are illusions.  
They're not the solutions  
They promise to be.  
The answer was here all the time,  
I love you and hope you love me.

Don't cry for me Argentina  
The truth is I never left you  
All through my wild days  
My mad existence  
I kept my promise  
Don't keep your distance.

Have I said too much?  
There's nothing more I can think of to say to you,  
But all you have to do  
Is look at me to know  
That every word is true.”  
\-- Andrew Lloyd Weber, and Tim Rice, “Don’t Cry for me Argentina”

Latveria. AKA, why is he still going there? Well, it’s because of Tony. Because they have an “open relationship.” Tony’s not the kind you can tie down with just one person, he’s used to his freedom, and anyway, is it so much worse going there with him, and him having sex with someone he doesn’t know the name of… With a lot of someone’s he doesn’t know the names of. …Is that so much worse than knowing he spends two or three nights every week with Pepper? So that’s why they still go there, is because, Tony goes, and so naturally Loki goes too, after all, they’re together.

… That would be the easy explanation, yeah, but it’s not the truth. The truth is, Loki goes there by himself sometimes. Sometimes? He goes there a lot.

What the hell else is he supposed to do, really? Because Tony’ll be out with Pepper, or he’ll be out be with his parents or whatever. And it’s not like Bruce is always around. He’s got his studying to do, and then later on that fall he gets a job on campus. Something to do with radiation, it’s like, Peacetime Uses for the Atom, some shit like that. Bruce is doing that suddenly, and apparently he hasn’t pissed anyone off yet, because any more, he’s there all the time. And Steve’s out picketing, or whatever shit he does with his friends. He’ll come around sometimes, he’ll be like, “I haven’t given up hope, there’s always the state government.”

Bruce’ll be like, “Are you kidding me? Weren’t you just talking about the budget cuts, and what’s going to happen to UCLA after Prop 13 really starts taking effect?”

Steve’ll say… Eh, who cares what he says? He says something, because you’ve got to have something to cling to, right? If you’re into politics like he is, you’ve got to have something you believe in. It’s lesbian judges, maybe that’s it, or maybe that’s when he starts to get really involved in local government.

…Anyway, Steve’s got his stuff, and Bruce has his stuff. Tony has Pepper, and he’s got his parents. And it’s not like Loki lives on campus. He’s not involved with all that Campus Life and shit, no all-night keggers in this dorm or that dorm, no showing up at the Friday Night Dance for the Gay Student Alliance… _God forbid._ God save him from that bunch of prancing theatre-queens. 

…It’s not like he’s totally out of everything on campus, there are some things he does show up for. He makes it when there’s films shown on campus that he wants to see, and he helps out with filming and shit for some of the other kids’ class projects, you know, gets them to help with his, etcetera. Easier said than done to go into campus when there’s a night event, though. You’ve got to find parking, and maybe he’s low on gas. Then you can never drink when you’re there, because you’ve just got to drive right home again afterward (and that spot in the parking garage is _unforgiving_ , seriously, you mis-guess even a little, you’re looking at a hundred dollars’ worth of dent in your door).

No, that’s not really it either. You want to know why he does it? You want to know the truth? The truth is, Latveria’s just the fastest way you can relieve some stress, that’s it, that’s why he’ll go there. And he’ll tell himself, “I’m going to meet Sam.” Sam’s a Psych student, he goes to Latveria a lot, and when he’s there, he and Loki will usually hook up. …And he’ll tell himself, “That’s why I’m going,” or, “Maybe I’ll see Teddy and Billy.” That’s not why he does it. Yeah, it’s cool if he meets Sam over there, or if he hooks up with Teddy and Billy, but that’s not why he goes over there.

You want to know why? You really want to know? Okay, that’s a pity, because Loki doesn’t know. It’s just that sometimes you’ll get restless, okay? He’ll be in class… Maybe it’s that Freshman Comp, and he made the mistake of showing up on Friday, when even the instructor doesn’t look like he gives a shit. Either that or maybe it’s his Film class… Like, the day they saw _All About Eve_? He skipped out on that one. Who hasn’t seen that movie a million times? And he wanted to avoid all the theatre-queens, he didn’t want to see them swanning around afterward and going, “Fasten your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a bumpy night,” and shit. And he skipped _Bringing up Baby._ Same reason, he didn’t want to listen to all the theatre-queens, giggling about, “I just went _gay_ , all of a sudden.” _God!_

Yeah, you get feeling restless, you’re like, antsy or something. Reading doesn’t help, and most of the time there’s nobody around to talk to. You don’t want to go home, because you still have classes to go to, or maybe you need to go to the library. Latveria’s open all hours. And it’s right down there, just a block past Westwood Village. How hard is it to go down there, just …you know, just get your rocks off or something. Leaves you feeling kind of relaxed, and you don’t have to drink or anything, you don’t have to do drugs or hook up with any of the weirdos.

And it is safe. You hear stories about diseases, but that’s the guys that are always there that get those. He’s only there once in a while. It’s just that there’s all these men there, all these men, that are there for one thing, and you’re there for the same thing. And maybe you hook up with one guy, maybe it’s two. You’re not going to go for more than that. You couldn’t anyway, you’ve got classes to go to.

And then maybe he meets Sam. Maybe they go get lunch afterward. Nice deal on the lunch special at the sushi place he went to with Tony that night, or they maybe they’ll get a Beef Bowl, which is even cheaper... Sam’ll be like, “Get the teriyaki chicken, your body will thank you.” Sam’s Air Force ROTC, there’s weight requirements he’s got to meet. …And they’ll get their bowls, they’ll sit down and talk for a while maybe.

Sam’ll be all the time talking politics at him… Yeah, there’s no getting away from it, apparently. He’ll be like, “Well I should be glad Reagan got elected I guess, because it’s only going to help me if I make the Air Force my career.”

Loki’ll be like, “Well, why aren’t you?” He’ll be there, and maybe they’ll be at one of the little tables in the Beef Bowl place. Maybe he’ll have a bowl… With _veggies_ in it, of course, because Sam’s there, and it makes him happy. …He’ll pick through his veggies, think about why in hell does the place bother putting them in, if they can’t make them taste good? And maybe he ends up eating all the beef, and the rice, maybe he puts all the veggies into the lid of his bowl. He’ll be like, “So why aren’t you happy, Sam?”

Sam’ll be like, “I guess I’m happy, I guess…” And probably he’s already eaten his bowl by then. All that ROTC exercise means he is always hungry. Maybe he takes all Loki’s veggies, and he eats those too. And he’ll be like, “Well, it’s a trade-off, see?” …With his mouth full of Loki’s broccoli, and maybe a smear of teriyaki sauce on his lip. He’ll be like, “It’s a trade-off, because what if I want to make my career in psychology? That’s my major, you know, and look what Reagan did when he was Governor. Deinstitutionalization, it’s called, now he’s gonna do the same thing to the whole country. It’s like he’s taking away all the business from one career, and giving it all to the other one, and what if I don’t want to go into the Air Force for good?”

 _Reagan_. Yeah, everybody’s talking about Reagan, _all the time._

By the way, if Loki hears another _Bedtime for Bonzo_ joke, he’s going to scream. And if it’s one of the theatre-queens making it, he’s probably going to hit him.

Anyway, maybe Sam’ll talk some more about Reagan after that. He usually does, and he’ll usually be all like, “C. Everett Koop, I kid you not Loki, he’s going to pick that guy, who’s only famous for making anti-abortion movies, as his Surgeon General.”

Loki’ll be like, “So? Are you pro-abortion?”

Sam goes on and on about, “Oh, it’s just an entire pattern, and there’s no concern there for public health, it’s just nothing but a political agenda for him,” and this and that. He’ll have Loki looking at his watch, and saying it’s time for his next class way before it really is. But then the next time he goes to Latveria, he’ll probably hook up with Sam again, because Sam’s okay. He’s cool, he just talks too much. And everybody has to get their rocks off sometimes, right? And maybe Tony’s not around.

And first it’s November, then it’s December. School’s closing in, and he’s got papers due, he’s got finals he has to study for. Finite Mathematics isn’t so easy for the Humanities Student, not even one who’s got two Physicists to help him.

Then one day Tony comes to him. He’s like, “Maybe you want to take a little break, and I’ve got tickets for _Evita._ ” Because he’s got season tickets for the Annenberg Center, they’re like his and Pepper’s tickets. It’s one of the perks from Momma Stark’s Foundation. And Pepper doesn’t want to go. She was all, “That show caricatures strong women.” 

And Tony’s like, “I can give them to someone else. I understand if you don’t want to go Loki, I get it, who wants to feel like the second choice?”

Yeah, who does want that? Really, who wants it? So, why does he go anyway? It’s not like he wouldn’t have been with Tony that night anyway, because Pepper was doing something else, and his parents don’t have plans for him. And it’s not like Tony wouldn’t have taken him out someplace else. Hell, Tony’s got all that money, he could have taken him wherever.

And he goes anyway, because… Because it’s a Broadway show? Because the little theatre-queen in his head is going, “ _Broadway_ , Loki, and Patti LuPone, and Andrew Lloyd Weber is the _next big thing_ ”?

…Because you don’t turn down free tickets? Who knows why he goes, but he does go, and it is…

Well, it’s _magical_ is what it is. And all these lights, along the streets in Beverly Hills. And the trees are wrapped in Christmas lights, not the colored kind you usually see, but all these regular, bulb-colored lights. …All these little gold lights, wrapping all the trees, and twinkling, in the California night, fairy lights those things are called. And there’s a breeze… It was raining during the day, but it clears up some, this breeze comes up, and blows some of the clouds away. And Tony’s got his arm around him. Same place he goes when he’s out with Pepper and his parents, but he’s holding onto Loki, it’s like they’re really together.

And the show is… Well, it’s really catchy. And the girl that plays Peron’s girlfriend has a really good voice. Tony’s like, “She’s a student at USC…” His mouth, against Loki’s ear… You have to be quiet during the show, right? And his mouth is brushing Loki’s ear, he’s like, “Our crosstown rivals, Loki, that means you’re supposed to hate her.” And he laughs, and Loki laughs, and they’re leaning together there in their seats. And at the end you’re crying for Evita, even though she was so horrible and all. Tony’s like, “Manipulative shit….” They’re on their way out, and he’s like, “A lot of manipulative shit.”

And all Loki can think of to say is, “I can see why it’s so popular.” And the next day, Tony buys him the album.

And afterward they get something to eat. There’s this little bistro, and they’ve got patio seating. Tony says, “Of course we’re going to sit on the patio,” and he makes the waiter give them a table right by the railing, so they can watch people go by. And he orders champagne. “Your first live show, right?” he says, and he buys this champagne in honor of it. Veuve Clicquot, which is apparently a very expensive brand. And he buys them some desserts. Neither of them is that hungry, but it’s like he doesn’t want the night to end.

And people go by. Tony’ll be like, “Oh, there’s somebody famous,” and, “She’s a celebrity.” And they’re not, it’s sort of obvious, they’re just these rich Beverly Hills people that happen to be going by. And he’ll make up stories about them. He’ll be like, “Se her? She’s a famous Russian assassin,” and, “That one in the wheelchair? He’s psychic, you’d better be careful Loki, he can read your mind.”

Loki was like, “Oh, he can read my mind, huh? Tell me, what’s he going to find there?”

And Tony’s hands, on his temples… Tony’s soft hands, and that warm look that comes into his brown eyes. …Tony’s like, “Lot of Finite Mathematics, oh and there’s some Western Civ in there, and some about movies, and there’s…” His eyes, and how they grow soft, and he says, “Maybe there’s a little in there about your boyfriend, who loves you, and who doesn’t deserve him. Tell me, Loki, is there?”

…And the lump that comes into his own throat, when he tries to answer… The way his eyes mist up, and there’s that lump there. All he can get out is, “What do you think, Tony?” And the only thing bad about that moment is that they can’t kiss, out there in public. Too dangerous, there’s too many people watching.

And in Tony’s car on the way home: Loki’s like, “Why do you keep saying you don’t deserve me? I hate it when you bash yourself, Tony.”

Tony’s like, “It’s because I’m a coward. I know it, I should just go out and live my life, stop hiding behind Mommy and Daddy.”

Loki’s like, “Why don’t you?”

Tony’s hand on the gearshift… The way his fingers tighten, you can see the knuckles turning white. And his voice is very low, and he says, “I don’t know.” And Loki thinks he hears him say, “I’m just glad you haven’t given up on me yet,” but maybe that’s him hoping he heard it.


	12. Living Hard Will Take its Toll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces a social disease, and some consequences.

“Hollywood, I know your middle name.  
Who inspired your fabled fools?  
That's my claim to fame.

Jive Miguel, he's in from Bogota  
Meet me at midnight  
At Mr. Chow's  
Szechuan dumplings,  
Now that the deal has been done.  
I'm the one.  
It's a glamour profession…  
I'm the one.  
…The L.A. concession.

Local boys will spend a quarter  
Just to shine the silver bowl.  
Living hard will take its toll.

Illegal fun,  
Under the sun, boys.”  
\-- Steely Dan, “Glamour Profession”

Well there was a fight over Christmas Break, and Tony and Loki almost don’t go to the Rose Parade after all. They’re, like, fighting right up to the day before the parade, and then Tony’s the one that makes up… Loki’s at the apartment, and Tony’s gone wherever. He’s gone to stay with Pepper probably, and do we want to talk about the kind of girl that’ll take her fiancé in after he’s had a fight with his gay lover? I think we don’t. …And then Tony comes back to the apartment. And he’s got flowers, and chocolate, and a teddy bear with “I Love You” on it (and neither of them even likes teddy bears), and he’s like, “You don’t always have to do what I think is right Loki, I understand that, you’re your own person.”

Of course by the time he gets there, Loki’s had all this time to think about it, and he was like, “I understand Tony, you were just trying to take care of me.” And they kiss to make up, which was kind of amazing, considering what the fight was about in the first place. Tony said it was worth it, he said he already had to get tested… 

Have you ever had VD? The thing is, you think about it as being your… You know where you think about getting it, but you can get it in your throat too. You can when you…

Well, let us just say that there are a lot of different ways you can catch stuff, and a lot of things you can catch for that matter, if you go to a bathhouse a few too many times. This is one of the easy ones. The doctor will just give you a prescription for an antibiotic, and by the next day you’ll feel better. You have to take the whole prescription though. This is what the doctor says… The _gay_ doctor, who’s a friend of Steve’s, that Loki goes to because Student Health is closed. She also gives him a lecture about safety, and maybe if he tries seeing only one person at a time, and you know, maybe if they’re careful about what they do…

Having a conversation with a woman-doctor about being _careful_ what you do in bed, AKA, one of the more creepy experiences in the world. If it was up to him, that would have been enough telling after that. He probably would have kept the whole thing to himself, would have just holed up and, you know, just waited for the prescription to take effect. But the thing was, he couldn’t, of course. He had to tell… Well, he _had_ to tell Tony, and he knew he was going to have to tell at least Sam as well. Loki was sort of hoping Tony would say he didn’t have to tell all the other guys he’s been with at Latveria. Other people don’t tell, right? They can’t, because otherwise someone would have told him?

Of course he was also thinking Tony would be laid back about it. Tony: Practically the first thing Loki ever heard him say was, “It’s no big deal, you get a prescription.” Tony, who _introduced_ him to Latveria.

…Tony, who’s home when Loki gets there: He sees the prescription bottle, he’s like, “You feeling okay, Loki?” Because he’s been gone so much lately, he’s been at parties and shit, or over at his parents’ house with Pepper, and he hasn't been around enough to even notice Loki's been sick.

Tony’s like, “You feeling okay?” And he’s being all nosy and stuff, he gets the bottle out of the bag, and he’s like, “Tetracycline?” And he looks at Loki, and Loki knows he knows.

Turns out Tony is not cool about it, he’s not cool at all. And it turns out Loki says some things. He says, “Well, aren’t you the world’s biggest hypocrite?” And he says, “You’re just worried you might have given it to Pepper,” and some other stuff.

Tony is like, “There is no way you’re ever fucking going back to Latveria, Loki, no way at all.”  
He’s like, “I should have never taken you, I should have protected you, etcetera etcetera.” And he says some more stuff, all about how he’s putting his foot down, from now on Loki stays home at night, either that or he goes out with Steve and Bruce.

Loki’s like, “Aren’t you afraid Steve and Bruce’ll take me,” and Tony’s, like, seriously looking at him like he thinks they might. And Loki’s _glad_. Tony wants to protect him, when he’s an adult? He’s going to make it as hard as possible. And he says some stuff to Tony about how maybe if Pepper didn’t have him on a leash all the time, he might have a right to say something about where Loki spends his time.

Oh, and the look on Tony’s face when he says that? And how _glad_ he feels again when he sees it?

…And how after that he pushes Tony some more, until finally he walks out the door? Loki’s just glad when he leaves, he doesn’t even care that he probably went straight to Pepper, and he doesn’t start feeling anything but glad, for…

Well it’s the next morning when he starts feeling sorry, but you know how that goes. Feeling sorry is not the same thing as saying you’re sorry, and the only reason he talks to anyone else about it, is because he owes it to Sam. And he just tells him about the VD part, he doesn’t say anything about the fight with Tony.

And then Sam says he doesn’t think either of them should go to Latveria anymore. It kind of sounds like preaching when he says it, he’s like, “There’s way worse things that we could have gotten, Loki. There’s shigellosis, and giardiasis, and hepatitis B.” Sam’s like, “I’ve read about some of that shit. I was thinking about quitting going anyway, the only reason I still do go, is so I can meet you there.”

And at the time he’s kind of pissed off. It sounds like Sam’s blaming him for even going to Latveria, and that’s not fair. Only you know, they’re good friends, but they’re not good enough friends to where they’ll fight. He doesn’t say anything, just sort of stiff, “I’ll think about what you said.”

Maybe if Sam hadn’t said all that, he would have been the one to go to Tony? Maybe? But he did say it, and after that the last thing Loki wants to do is talk to anybody. He just holes up in the apartment the rest of the day, and all day Tuesday and he takes antibiotics. He is feeling better by Tuesday, but he doesn’t go out. He doesn’t even call for pizza, he just eats what he can find in the take-out boxes in the fridge, and a couple of old Lean Cuisines that he finds at the back of the freezer.

And then by Wednesday morning, he’s decided that he isn’t going back to Latveria anymore either, and maybe he should tell Tony he shouldn’t go either. Also he spends most of Wednesday on the phone, calling everyone from Latveria that he’s got a number for, because who cares if they'd tell him or not? The right thing to do is to tell them.

…And then Tony comes back about 2:00 that afternoon. Tony looks like he hasn’t slept the whole time, and he hasn’t shaved, and he hasn’t changed clothes. He looks tired, and he looks unhappy, and yeah, he’s got all those presents with him. He’s like, “You were right and I was wrong, Loki.” 

After that it’s easy for Loki to say he’s sorry too, and he does, and then they hug. Tony smells like sweat and too much bourbon, and he holds him like he’s never going to let go (and Loki holds him back the exact same way), and he says, “I know you’re an adult, Loki, I should never have tried telling you what to do.” And he says he’s never going to go back to Latveria again. He’s like, “It’s your choice what you do of course, but I couldn’t bear to think about it if I went there and then I gave you something.”

And they do go to the parade, but just barely. Tony showers and changes clothes first, and he has something to eat, even though they’re going out for dinner in a little while. And he says he missed Loki, he missed him a lot, and he says that he’s been a terrible boyfriend. And they do leave for Pasadena finally, and the parade is good, it’s just not good enough to be worth sleeping on the sidewalk all night for. And Tony blows off going to the game with Pepper and his parents. They go back to the apartment together instead, and they both sleep most of the afternoon, as well as all night, and they get up late Friday morning.

And maybe Tony meant it about not going to Latveria… Not going for …you know, for sex. …He hasn’t said anything about them going back there together, and it’s almost the end of January now. Sometimes they’ll go over, but it’s always just to see Victor, maybe they’ll have lunch together, or just sit up in his office for a while and talk. And when he’s not at the apartment, Tony’ll be with Pepper, right? Or he’ll be with his parents? There’s not all that much time that he could be going. And when he thinks about that, Loki feels glad (and he starts going to the arcade in the Village when he feels restless, and he plays Space Invaders there, or maybe he plays Pac Man).

…And then there’s this idea that came into Loki’s head a while back. It’s just this weird little inkling, it just occurs to him one day that Tony probably wasn’t with Pepper those two nights. He’s got clothes at the Bel Air house, right? And she wouldn’t have let him just sit there and get drunk. …And there’s a shower there too, so why wouldn’t he have used it? And he asks Tony one day, just asks him flat out: “Where did you go, that night when we were having that fight?”

Tony’s being Tony, and he goes, “That would be telling.” He gives one of those smiles of his, and he grabs Loki and gives him a kiss (this is in their bedroom that he asks him). “Where do you think I went?” he asks.

And Loki says, “Oh, I think you went to see your other boyfriend.”

Tony says, “Other boyfriend, ha!” He gives Loki another kiss, and he’s like, “You’re already way too much boyfriend for one man to handle.”

And Loki kisses him back, and he’s like, “Yeah, and don’t you forget it.”


	13. Rapture, be Pure, Take a Tour, Through the Sewer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces Pepper Potts. ...Yeah, _that_ Pepper.

“Then when there's no more cars, you go out at night and eat up bars  
Where the people meet, face to face, dance cheek to cheek  
One to one, man to man  
Dance toe to toe, don't move too slow.  
'Cause the man from Mars is through with cars  
He's eatin' bars, yeah, wall to wall, door to door, hall to hall  
He's gonna eat 'em all.  
Rapture, be pure, take a tour through the sewer.  
Don't strain your brain, paint a train  
You'll be singin' in the rain  
I said, ‘Don't stop, do punk rock.’”  
\-- Blondie, “Rapture”

So Valentine’s Day falls right during Midterm-time, okay? And Loki’s got a midterm on Friday, he’s got two more on Monday, the 16th, but Tony swears they’re going to go out on Saturday. He, like, keeps swearing, he’ll be like, “Just for dinner, Loki, I know you need to study,” and, “Come on, everyone needs a break,” and like that, and that goes on all through January. Only then of course when the time comes closer, he’s all like, “Mom and Dad want me that night.” He’s like, “Big engagement dinner, it has to be _that night_ , it has to be the 14th.”

Loki’s like, “Dinner? For an engagement that’s been going on for five years already?”

That’s how long it’s been. Seriously, you’d think Mom and Dad would start to get suspicious, right? And Pepper? What is the deal with that girl?

He met her, by the way. That was in January. First week, second week maybe, of Spring Quarter, and Loki goes over to Tony’s office. They were going to go home together, because it was one of those rare evenings when he didn’t have to be with Pepper or with his parents. Loki walks in, and there’s this redhead in there… Beautiful redhead (kind of old), and she’s got this suit with big shoulders on, coat slung over one arm. …Tony’s out of the office, and this beautiful redhead is standing there, and she’s like, “Are you one of Tony’s students?”

Loki’s like, “No.” And he was looking at her, she was looking back at him. You could see the minute when she figured out who he was, seriously, you could see it in her eyes. But all Pepper says is, “Tony’ll be back in a sec.” She’s like, “He had to go down the hall, had to use the little boy’s room.”

Uggh, Pepper and the “little boys’ room.” And she had to tell him Tony was there, she had to talk about him using the bathroom.

Afterward it seemed like that was why he didn’t say any of the things he wanted to say to her. Loki always told himself if he ever met Pepper, he was going to ask her if she really didn’t have any idea at all about why her _fiancé_ was so shy about setting a date for their wedding. He was going to ask how she felt about sharing her man with another man, whether that big, fancy Bel Air house of hers was really enough to make her overlook the fact that she was engaged to a gay man… He wanted to ask her what their love life was like, whether they even had a love life, how he wanted to do it with her when they did it and stuff, and whether she was satisfied. …He wanted to see her face when he asked all of that, and he wanted to know whether she could think of any answer. Who knows if he really would have said any of that stuff though. Who _ever_ remembers to say all the stuff you think of, once you really get the chance to?

And he’s there. He’s looking at her, and she says that about the little boy’s room. Loki’s like, “Thanks. I don’t think I’ll wait.”

And Pepper’s like, “No that’s all right, I was just leaving,” and then she left.

…Anyway, so yeah. It’s like February 1st, and Tony drops this on him. “This party,” he says. “Mom and Dad have been planning it for a while. You remember, the 24th, when I thought I was going to be gone?”

Saturday the 24th, they were in Aspen. Tony was all, “Mom and Dad are going to be in DC, they said I could use the cabin.” Loki was like, “Won’t they expect you to take Pepper?” And Tony said, “What they don’t know won’t hurt them,” and they went up there. …And yeah, he had said something about having an appointment that night, hadn’t he? Jesus Christ, when was he’d said that, though? It had to have been November or December. He was like, “Campaign contributors from way back…” His parents, you understand. To _Reagan_. And, “Helped him in ’65…” When he ran for _Governor_ ; California is what you might call a serial offender for voting for Ronald Reagan. …Tony was like, “Dad’s been pushing for him to run for President for years, him and half the defense industry, and he’s been invited to the inaugural ball.” And Loki was all… Oh Jesus, what did he say? Something about, “That’s more time for us to be together,” or something like that?

…So anyway, here it is February, and Tony dumps this on him. And he’s like, “I’m sorry, I know it’s last minute.”

And Loki goes, “Of course you can’t tell them you’re not coming, god forbid you should tell the truth for a change, tell them their little baby boy is _gay_ …”

Jesus Christ, the look on Tony’s face when he said that…

Anyway, yeah, like that was going to happen. The outcome was sort of predetermined, wasn’t it? Like, what was he going to do? Dump Tony, when he’s been putting up with this for almost a year already? _Could_ he dump Tony?

…And he thinks about dumping him. And oh Jesus Christ, that hurts even worse.

And Tony held him so tight after he said yes, and he promised to make it up to him. And he got his parents’ cabin in Aspen for the next weekend… For the whole weekend, because it was George Washington’s Birthday that weekend, and neither of them had to be back on campus until Tuesday. …And he _told_ his parents he wasn’t taking Pepper. (But Loki didn’t ask him if he told them who he was taking. You know how it goes, there are some things you don’t want to look too closely at.)

That was a _good_ weekend. And then they come back… And of course school started right up again afterward. And Loki’s got this film project… Sam’s idea, Sam’s like, “You set it at Latveria…”

And Loki was like, “This is my _grade_ we’re talking about. Nobody wants to watch two gay guys getting it on.”

Sam goes, “Everybody knows gay people exist, why shouldn’t there be a gay love story for once?”

He was right, by the way. Project’s not due until the end of the quarter, but Loki had to show the professor his plans. You should have seen him, he was all like, “This is so daring, this is so provocative.” And getting guys to play in it? First time in their life the theatre-queens ever came in handy for anything. Because they were willing to do it, see. There’s seriously a lot of gay guys in that class… Right off the top of his head, Loki could probably name four, maybe five of them that he used to see all the time at Latveria. …It’s only the theatre-queens that are willing to play a gay part though. They were like, “You’re so brave Loki, and, I wish I’d had that idea first darling, I am so going to steal it,” and all like that, and he picked the two best-looking of them to be the leads, then cast all the rest of them that wanted to be in it as extras. And he filmed that thing at the end of February. He went over to Latveria one night with Tony, got some action shots for background, then he had to go back a couple days later to film the rest of it, because he had to fit it in with all the theatre-queens’ schedules.

Weird thing: See, there was this guy at Latveria, he was hitting on one of the theatre-queens… It was Freddie, who’s one of the leads, and this guy was hitting on him, this guy with no shirt on. Guy had a mark on his shoulder, like a purple-y mark, like a mole maybe. 

Freddie’s like, “What’s that?” And the guy’s like, “I don’t know,” and he must have been scared off when Freddie mentioned it, because he left right after that. Freddie was all like, “Aww, he was cute too.” Hell, Freddie can come back and cruise on his own time; it was good thing the guy did leave, or Loki would have had to tell him to. ...What’s weird though, is Victor’s got a mark just like that. And he said what it was, it’s some kind of cancer. 

What happened with that, was Loki was over in Victor’s office. Tony took him over, because he said he needed Victor’s permission to film at Latveria. And Loki’s like, “It’s a student film, it’s only ever going to be shown in class.”

Of course Victor was like, “I should charge you money, hell I would charge you money, but Stark’s a friend.”

And then of course Tony goes, “You should think of it as free publicity.”

And he had one of those marks. Victor did, it was on his face, and Tony asked about it, and then he covered it up right away with his hand. He was like, “It’s a skin cancer, it’s Kaposi’s…” That’s the name of it, is Kaposi’s Sarcoma. And Victor covers that thing up, he’s like, “The doctor’s going to take it off. It’s not too obvious, is it?”

Of course Tony swore up and down it was almost invisible, and he’d never have noticed, except Victor keeps his office so bright. And then when they were leaving, he’s like, “Jesus, Victor is so vain, and he’s such a hypochondriac.” He’s like, “Skin cancer’s nothing, they’ll whip that thing right off. Everyone gets sick sometimes, hell, I’ve got a cold I’ve been trying to shake for weeks, you don’t hear me making a federal case out of it.”

And Loki says, “You’ve got a cold?”

And Tony was all, “Didn’t I just say it was nothing?” And they went home together… That was one of the nights when Tony was home. He hasn’t been back to Latveria again, Tony that is, because Loki definitely hasn’t. He’ll get together with Sam sometimes, and sometimes that ends up being for more than just playing Pac Man. He’s not going to go back to Latveria though. Sam’s right, that’s just too risky. Sam’s like, “You’ve got to keep track of your sex partners, man,” and he’ll go on and on about the risks and all the things you can catch. Some of that stuff is horrible, and think about having to tell your doctor how you got it. Loki’s been down that road already, and seriously, once is enough.

And he'd be willing to swear Tony hasn't been back.


	14. Either Way it's Okay to Wake up with Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces Thor again (also a blossoming romance between Steve and Sam).

“They will tell you, you can't sleep alone in a strange place  
Then they'll tell you, you can't sleep with somebody else  
Ah, but sooner or later you sleep in your own space  
Either way it's okay to wake up with yourself.

I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright  
I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home  
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life  
Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone.”  
\-- Billy Joel, “My Life”

Then Saint Patrick’s Day comes on a Saturday. Tony was out late Friday night with Pepper and his parents. Then when Loki’s taking a shower the next morning he comes in and surprises him. Loki turns off the water, reaches out to the towel rack to grab a towel, and he grabs him. He gives him this big pinch on the butt, then smooches him hard and whispers, “Happy Saint Patrick’s Day, babe.” That was funny. Not as funny as that Loki had sent all his green clothes to the cleaners the day before, but yeah. Pinch your boyfriend once? Funny. Work it so you can pinch him all day long? Now that’s _funny_. …Then later on they’re on Olivera Street getting Mexican for breakfast. They go around looking at all the shops afterward, Tony gets this big green hat with a shamrock on it. Loki’s like, “Spoilsport,” and Tony just gives him this grin.

They go to an Irish pub that night. You drink Guinness at an Irish pub, and Guinness is... Well let’s just say it makes Budweiser taste good (you don’t notice as much after you’ve had two or three of them though). Then they come home by cab, because both of them are too smart to drive, and some of the things Tony does to him in the cab… It’s _dark_ in a cab, you know? Anything could be going on back there, and practically anything does that night. Tony’s always cuddly when he’s been drinking, but that night he’s especially cuddly (or maybe Loki’s just cuddlier himself, because of all he’s had to drink).

And then brunch someplace fancy the next day. Tony’s all like, “Bloody Marys are _not_ a hangover cure, Loki,” and he makes him stick to coffee (then he goes and has two Bloodies himself). And Loki has so much to do, because it’s almost the end of Winter Quarter, and he’s still got to write a talk for his presentation in Film class on Monday, but does he do it? No, he just blows it off. He literally doesn’t do anything the whole weekend, except go out with Tony, and cuddle with Tony. …And you know, find new places for both of them to fuck each others’ brains out, all over the apartment.

And then when Monday rolls around, Tony’s like, “You can’t believe how tired I am, and I think my cold is coming back…”

It’s because of how much he drank on the weekend. Everybody has to pay the piper somehow, right? And Loki’s own payback comes because he has a whole speech he has to write, and be ready to deliver, before Film class at 1:00. He ends up having to go to Freddie, who’s living in one of the dorms on campus. Freddie’s got a typewriter, and he lets him use it And the speech goes great; he’s got a secure A in that class. And then the rest of the week goes by, he’s turning shit in, or he’s taking finals or whatever, and then it’s Friday and then the quarter’s over.

Then it’s Spring Break. Two weeks, before class starts for Spring Quarter right after Easter. And Mom and Dad have really been pestering him lately. Or to be precise, Mom has. She writes these letters, or she’ll call. Mostly it’s just regular talk, but then at the end she’ll throw a zinger in. It’ll be, “Are you coming home for Spring Break, Loki? Your father and I sure miss you.” Yeah, his _father_ sure does. Who knows what Dad thinks? It’s not like he ever says anything. So yeah…

Anyway, Loki’s been thinking it’s time he came out to them. Because yeah. He’s pretty much gay. He’s not like the theatre-fags maybe, but there are other ways of being gay you know. Loki’s is the way where it’s not the first thing everybody notices about you, but when you think about wanting to be with people it’s always men you want to be with. He’s the subtle kind of gay. And he’s going to have to tell his parents. But he is _not_ looking forward to it. And all these comments Mom and Dad used to make keep coming back to him: This guy’s “fruity,” or that guy’s “a little that way,” or… What was it? It was an article about some ballet dancer, and Mom was like, “Oh my goodness, I never would have known. He looks like a real man.” And then Dad said something about, “What do you expect? It’s _ballet_.”

So yeah. Like, he could go back. There’s this thing people do, they’ll be like, “Oh, my _girlfriend_ did this,” or, “I was out with my _girlfriend_ the other night, and we…” You pretend like that, it means at least you don’t have to keep quiet about what you’re doing all the time, but… What is it he doesn’t like about doing that?

(It’s too much like what Tony does, is what it is. …And when he realizes that is also when he realizes just how fed up he’s getting with always being second-best in Tony’s life. And if they’re together, they should fuckin’ _be together_ , and if they’re not, they should…)

So the quarter ends. Loki’s already registered for his Spring classes, and he’s got the whole two weeks free. And Tony’s busy most of Easter Week (natch), but he’s got plans for the week before that, and they go to this resort. It’s in the Virgin Islands, on St. Croix, and Tony gets them a suite in a resort in Frederiksted, this place right on the beach. And they spend every day at the beach…

Before they go, Tony’s like, “Dorscht Beach is Ground Zero for attractive men, Loki.” He’s like, “This place is a gay Mecca, it’s Fire Island for people who don’t like uptight assholes who spend all their lives in the closet…”

Actually, that’s not such a fun memory, when Tony said that. What was it he said back? Something like, “That’s a pity, because I happen to be in love with an uptight asshole who spends all his life in the closet”? And how was it that Tony looked at him after he said it? Actually maybe we should talk about Frederiksted instead.

It is a Gay Mecca, by the way. Frederiksted is one of those places where, if you see a good-looking man, you don’t have to wonder, you _know_. And they see some prime specimens there. Real eye candy. And for once, Tony doesn’t seem to need to be out hitting on everyone in sight, every second of every day. For once he just sticks with Loki, and they spend every day on the beach… “Sight-seeing,” Tony calls it (and then he never looks at anything but the men going by). …And at night they’ll go dancing, or maybe they’ll just get a dinner someplace nice. And after that they’ll be in bed, and the lovemaking is so good it reminds Loki all over again of why he started going out with Tony in the first place.

And then Easter Week is really quiet. Tony’s out doing stuff with his parents or Pepper, five nights out of seven, and Loki’s on his own. And he gets together with Sam some. Sam’s still in town over Easter Break, because he can’t afford the plane ticket back to New York. And then a couple times he gets together with Bruce and Steve.

And… This is a sad story. …Steve has to go to a funeral, because one of his friends’ boyfriends has died. It’s a really good friend, one of the guys he went to the convention with this summer, and he was dating an OB/GYN in Orange County, and the guy died of pneumonia. And Steve comes back. Loki’s over at the apartment with Bruce, and Steve comes in. He’s in tears, and he keeps going, “He was _thirty-five_ ,” and, “They’d been together for _five years_ ,” and, “I went to their _wedding_.” He just keeps going on and on, and he keeps on crying, and he keeps asking, “How do thirty-five-year old men die of _pneumonia_?”

And Bruce isn’t good with that stuff. He’s just standing there, then after a while he, like, reaches over, maybe pats Steve’s shoulder a little. And he wasn’t really sure what to do either, but you know, you’ve got to do something, and he was like, “You know, if you want to talk to someone Steve.” And Steve was like, “I don’t want to talk about it,” but then he went on talking about it anyway. And then they all went out and got really, really drunk, just to cheer him up.

…Anyway, that was his Easter Break, that and Steve ended up making a huge dinner on Sunday. And he invited Sam as well as Loki… And then all through dinner, he kept looking at Sam, and Sam kept looking at him…

That one got kind of weird, because apparently they ended up spending Sunday night together. Just out of the blue, Steve calls him a few days later, he’s like, “I just wanted to be sure Loki,” and, “Sam says you two aren’t an item, but I kind of got the idea…” And he’s like, “If there’s _anything_ between you two, or if you even just like him Loki, because I know you’re with Tony, but…”

And Loki cuts him off before he can say, “You’re going to dump Tony, everyone knows it.” Is he going to dump Tony? Who the hell knows? Maybe? Eventually, when he just can’t stand any more of his shit? But he’s not there yet, okay? He’s a long ways from being there yet; dammit, he loves Tony. …So yeah, so he’s like, “Are you saying you and Sam, Steve…”

And Steve’s like, “You don’t think I’m too old for him, Loki?”

And Loki (who’s going with a 28-year old) goes, “You’re what, 25? That’s not so old, that’s just four years older than Sam.”

That was cool anyway. And that was… When? …That was sometime during the first week of Spring Quarter. …And one more thing that happened during Spring Break:

And it happened just out of the blue, and it was kind of weird. Loki’s at home (alone, natch), and he gets this phone call. It was Thor on the phone, and he’s like, “I hadn’t heard from you in a while, Loki, and I was just wondering how you are…”

He hadn’t heard, because he never writes. Loki used to write him, but he never wrote back, and it started to get tiresome.

…Thor’s like, “I just thought I’d _call_ , I just wanted to know how you’re _doing_ ,” and this and that. Then just all of a sudden, he’s like, “I was wondering… You’re gay, right Loki?” He just says it randomly like that.

Maybe if he’d has some warning, Loki would have lied… Or maybe not, he’s got to start by coming out to someone. Anyway, he didn’t have any warning though, and he’s like, “Uh… Yeah…”

And Thor was like, “I was just wondering how that’s coming,” and, “You’re really brave Loki, I really respect you for being honest about who you are…” Like, all this shit, he just keeps going on and on with all this shit, all about how _brave_ Loki is, and how he really _respects_ him and all. 

And then out of the blue he changes the subject. Now he’s talking about football practice. He’s like, “Well I tore a ligament, but that wasn’t until the end of the season,” and blah, and blah, all this stuff about receptions, and touchdowns, and how many games he got to play in and shit. He’s like, “And of course I’m going to be in the team next year, and the coach says he’ll start me,” a lot of crap like that, that Loki never cared about in his life.

And that was really _all_ he called about, was just to talk and shit. And at the end he was like, “I sure hope I’m going to see you over the summer, Loki, you’re not going to spend the whole summer in LA, are you?”

And Loki was like, “Well _you_ could come to LA, Thor…” But what if he did come? How weird would that be? How’s he going to react if he sees Steve going around with Sam? Or if he hears all his talk about gay liberation? And what’s he going to say when he finds out Loki is living with Tony? Or if he sees him hanging around with Freddie and his theatre-fag friends?


	15. Always Something Breaking us in Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces a new relationship between Tony's boyfriend and his fiancee.

“Could we be much closer if we tried  
We could stay at home and   
Stare into each others eyes  
Maybe we could last an hour  
Maybe then we'd see right through  
Always something breaking us in two.

They say two hearts should beat as one for us  
We'll fight it out to see it through.  
I say that won't be too much fun for us.  
Though it's oh so nice to get advice  
It's oh so hard to do.”  
\-- Joe Jackson, “Breaking Us In Two”

It’s… It seems like it’s around the middle of May the next time he sees Pepper. Sometime around then, because it was the 5th when Thor called again. Loki knows that for sure, because he went out for Mexican food with Tony that night. Cinco de Mayo, Tony said, and nothing would do but they should go out for Mexican that night, even though he had a class at 8:00 on Wednesday. And he _had_ to have a margarita, Tony said it was essential. And he was like, “You ever had one of these before?”

Loki was like, “We’re not complete hicks in the Midwest you know.” And he didn’t say that you could get them at the Holiday Inn downtown by the Elks’ Lodge in Saint Paul; he knew Tony would laugh if he said that.

…It was after that, that he saw Pepper. What happened, was he was over in Tony’s office because he had this paper to do for Comp. He goes in, there she is. Linen jacket, hat pulled down over her red hair. She’s all cool elegance, just there to meet her fiancé. And he goes in, thinking she’ll leave like the last time, but this time she stays.

This time she _talks_ to him. He goes in there, right? Dumps his backpack on the ground by the desk. He’d told Tony he was going to write his paper over there that day. He was like, “I don’t have any classes in the afternoon, I’ll go over after lunch, is that all right with you?”

And Tony had said that’d be fine. He was like, “I’ll be in the workshop all afternoon, you go ahead.”

Yeah, then he goes in and there’s Pepper. Manners: He says hello. He’s like, “I hope you don’t mind, I’ve got a paper to write.”

Pepper says, “I’ll just take a minute.” She was like, “I wanted to talk to you, Loki…”

He was sitting down. That desk Tony’s got in his office. That big, mahogany desk, like something a Chairman of the Board should have in his office. And this big swivel-chair… Ergonomic, they call those chairs. And he sits down, he looks at Pepper.

And she says, “I wanted to talk to you. I heard you were leaving Tony.” 

It’s crazy. What are you supposed to say when your _boyfriend’s_ fiancée asks you something like that? What he wants to say is, “You’re not supposed to know we’re even together.” But he can’t say that, it sounds like a joke.

And she’s like, “I know I’m supposed to pretend I don’t know about you, but please, Loki…” She’s like, “Please, Loki, I wasn’t born yesterday. Do you think you’re his first?”

That one? How is he supposed to answer that? Well the words are there, but it kind of hurts when he says them: “Tony’s never kept it a secret how many men he’s been with.”

And Pepper… And her hat’s pulled low, he can’t see her eyes, but there’s this twist to her mouth. And she says, “You’re different, Loki. I can tell by how he talks about you.”

And is it hurt he feels when he answers that: “Tony talks about me to you?” No, it’s not hurt, it’s betrayal.

And Pepper goes, “Not like that, he doesn’t.” She’s like, “He’s been sick lately…”

“Sick”: AKA, the cold Tony keeps saying is nothing. The cold he’ll use to guilt you, when he’s stayed out late three of the four nights you have together. And he comes home, you think you smell some other guy’s cologne on him, and he’ll give you those puppy eyes, he’ll say he just wants you to take care of him. …The cold Loki’s been saying is just a hangover, it’s just a sign Tony’s been partying too hard.

…Pepper’s like, “He’s been sick lately. You have to have noticed.”

Loki’s like, “I’ve noticed.”

She says, “He told me you’ve been trying to get him to see a doctor. Well we all know that won’t do any good. They don’t give you anything for a cold, they just say ‘Go to bed, stay off your feet for a few days,’ and you know Tony…”

And he’s like, “I know he wouldn’t.” And it feels like she’s manipulating him… Somehow? They shouldn’t be agreeing, not this early, not this easily.

Pepper’s like, “I got him to go to my nutritionist, and he promised me he’d watch his drinking, and he’d take the vitamins the doctor gave him.” And she looks at him. Now he can see under her hat, and her eyes are blue, and they’re looking right into his eyes. She’s like, “Tony’s afraid you’re going to leave him Loki. Are you?” She’s working her way up to saying, “Don’t leave him, Loki.” Why’s she doing that? She shouldn’t want him there; he’s her competition. But that’s what she’s doing, and it ought to feel manipulative. Only when she says that about him leaving… Did Tony tell her that? Is that what he thinks is going to happen?

And sure enough, there she goes: “Don’t leave him Loki, not right now. He needs both of us… He needs our support right now.”

And now he gets up the gumption to ask her: “Why do you want me in his life? Why are you even okay with sharing him?"

And her head goes back up, and her eyes are hidden again. “I’m getting my money’s worth out of this.” Her hands, in the pockets of her jacket. You ever notice with linen jackets, how they'll wrinkle, and it just makes them look all the more elegant? She’s like the cover of Town and Country, standing there, all she needs is the horses in the background. And she’s like, “I’ve got a house. I’m going to have the name, Mrs. Anthony Stark.”

And it slips out: “If he ever marries you.”

And she gives this laugh… This faint snort of a laugh that sounds more honest than anything she just said. “Better if he doesn’t. Because his parents are going to expect us to have kids.”

Tony, with kids: Tony and her, in bed together, making kids… That’s when he knows they never have sex together. It’s there in her laugh. And the jealousy he’s always felt about them being together starts to go away a little. And then all he’s thinking is, “Oh god, Tony would be such a terrible father.” And then he says it out loud.

And Pepper’s like, “Wouldn’t he?” And in a crazy way, her voice sounds fond.

And Loki says, “I’m not going to leave him.” And it should be a lie, because he was thinking of leaving, he was really seriously thinking about it, but then when he says it, it’s not a lie. It’s like… It’s almost like a promise to Pepper, is what it feels like.

And a pause. A long, silent, pause. Then Pepper says, “You just be grateful you can’t marry him, Loki.”

He’s like, “I would if I could.”

And Pepper lays her hand on his wrist. Her hand’s cool, and her nails are clear-polished and very smooth. “No you wouldn’t,” she says. And she looks at him again. “Tony should never marry anyone. He doesn’t need a wife, he needs a mother…” Her eyes are warm, and they hold his eyes. And then she smiles. “Or maybe just two friends who are willing to put up with him.”

And he’s like, “That’s me, I can put up with lots.”

And she never looks away from him. She’s like, “You put up with as much as you can, Loki. Hopefully, that will be enough.”

Weird, weird conversation… Tony is taking those vitamin pills of hers, by the way. Half the time he washes them down with a vodka tonic, but he’s taking them. Heh, Tony… They’ll be out late every night of the weekend, then Monday morning rolls around and he’s all tired. He’ll be all like, “Oh, this cold is still here, why can’t I shake this thing?”

Loki doesn’t say, “Didn’t you tell Pepper you’d watch the drinking?” It’s not a secret that he talked to Pepper, exactly, but… But somehow it’s not exactly _not_ a secret either, and so he doesn’t say it. He’ll just say, “You could try going to bed early once a week, I’ll bet that would do it.”

And Tony… He’ll be like, “You’re so cute when you’re being smug, Loki.” Sometimes he’ll be in a good mood when he says it, and he’ll say, “Do that smug thing with your lips again… There, like that,” and then he’ll kiss him. Sometimes he’s just tired and grumpy, and he’ll say it, then he’ll eat a handful of aspirin and wash it down with instant coffee and he’ll leave for work.

And that’s May… Spring Quarter feels really short for some reason. Maybe it’s because that’s when he finally starts to “get” college. That’s when it all kind of comes together for him, that’s definitely part of it. And the rest of it? Well, it seems like Spring Quarter is full of parties. You’re coming in right after Easter, and then there’s Cinco de Mayo, which everyone makes a huge deal of, here in LA. And there’s all these End-of-the-Year parties, and it seems like they start up right after that. And Tony goes to all these graduation parties, because, you know, he’s faculty, and all that. And he usually at least _invites_ Loki to those.

Tony: He’ll be like, “Well, this one is going to be boring, this one will be boring too… Oh, this one is sure to be a major snooze-fest, you definitely don’t want to go to this one.” One time Loki went anyway, just to spite him, and he was telling the absolute truth. That was the most boring party ever, just a lot of faculty and wives, a lot of science nerds, with calculators sticking out of their shirt pockets.

But he goes with Tony to the graduation. And it’s one of those gorgeous LA spring days: Fog burns off in time that it’s nothing but sunshine by the time of the ceremony. And the grads are in blue and yellow robes. Tony’s like, “I’m jealous, I have to wear these.” The “these” in question, by the way, are these heavy, dark-colored robes, and a complicated velvet hood-thing around his neck. Tony’s like, “I’m going to roast.” And Loki was like, “Aww, poor baby.” …And if you watched, all through the ceremony, Tony would keep lifting those robes up, really careful, so no one would see, and flapping them to let the air in underneath.

And they went to this place on the beach for dinner afterward. Tony was like, “LA’s too stuffy, I have to be someplace with a breeze.” And they drove all the way up to Malibu, found a place called Moonshadows, right on the ocean, and they sat out on the patio. And when it started to get dark, it was almost too cold. And they had hot coffee, and something flaming for dessert, baked Alaska, or something like that. And they held hands under the table to get warm. Loki was like, “It’s always either too hot or too cold for you, isn’t it?”

Tony pulls his hand up out from under the table for a moment, and he kisses it. And he smiles, sparkles in those golden-brown eyes of his. “I’m like Mick Jagger,” he says. “I can’t get no satisfaction.” And they …almost kiss… Then the waiter comes in with their bill and he ruins the moment. 

…And yeah, that’s Tony. He’s being difficult, and aggravating. But he’s also being sweet, and Loki did kind of promise Pepper he wasn’t going to leave him. …Not yet, anyway. And Spring Quarter ends, and it’s summer again. And Freddie gets him a job ushering at the Bruin Theatre in Westwood, where he works. He doesn’t _need_ to work, because Tony is… Well, he does need to work. You can’t just sponge off somebody forever. Anyway, he can bank whatever he doesn’t need to spend right now.

And Thor’s visit is the weekend of the Fourth. Tony’s like, “Your friend from High School, right? You want me to stay with Pepper while he’s here?”

Tony… Loki’s like, “You really think he’s going to believe a college freshman could afford this place?” He’s like, “Thor’s cool. I told him I was gay, he’s fine with it.”

And Tony kisses him. He’s like, “Just so long as he’s not cuter than me.” And he hugs him tight. “You’d better not let this ‘Thor’ come between us, Loki.”

And Loki hugs him back, and he kisses him. “Yeah, like anybody could,” he says.


	16. My mother said, "To get things done, you'd better not mess with Major Tom."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor is introduced to Tony.

“I've never done good things  
I've never done bad things  
I never did anything out of the blue  
Want an axe to break the ice  
Wanna come down right now.

Ashes to ashes, funk to funky  
We know Major Tom's a junkie  
Strung out in Heaven's high  
Hitting an all-time low.

My mother said, ‘To get things done,  
You'd better not mess with Major Tom.’  
My mother said, ‘To get things done,  
You'd better not mess with Major Tom.’”  
\-- David Bowie, “Ashes to Ashes”

Thor… He was in Second Grade with Thor. In Mrs. Daughtry’s class. At McKinley Street School, which was in the neighborhood that they moved to, winter of ‘71. They moved there right after Christmas, and it was really hard getting used to it. Because it was really cold, see, and yeah, he was used to the cold from living in Anchorage, but there at least, he’d had an indoor playground a block away from his house, and they didn’t have those in Minneapolis. At least there weren’t any in the neighborhood where he lived. And that was when Mom went back to work. He used to have to stay with this babysitter… This old lady, and all she did all day was watch soap operas. She’d say, “Do your homework, Loki,” or, “Why don’t you read a book?” Even if there had been an indoor playground, she never would have taken him.

And they moved to Minneapolis in ‘71, and Thor lived down the street from his new house. And when Christmas Break was over… Longest Christmas Break in the world, by the way. All those long days at Mrs…. What was her name? …At the babysitter’s house, and not even a playground he could go to. …And then when he started school they put him in Mrs. Daughtry’s class, and that’s where he met Thor. Thor was this big kid, this big, athletic kid. Even then he looked too big for his desk, and he had this smile… All he ever had to do was smile, and everyone loved him, and Loki was no exception.

Thor figured out fast that he could talk Loki into doing all his homework for him. Thor’s smart, but he’s you know… He’s one of the ones where they say, “He doesn’t apply himself.” You think about it, why should he “apply himself,” when he’s got Loki to do his homework for him. …Or in High School he used to get his girlfriends to do it. That girl Jane that he dated all through Senior Year? That was the attraction with her. Jane was smart. And she was Math-smart, which is rarer than the kind of smart Loki is (you know, your Lit-smart). It’s simple fact, Thor would never have passed Trig his Senior Year if Jane hadn’t been there to help him through it. Thor, _Trig_? Are you kidding? He barely made it through Alg. 1 in 9th grade, and that was with Loki and Hogan helping him.

Anyway, so yeah. Thor was the kind that used to just slide through school. He was friendly, and he had that smile… That smile that said, “I don’t blame you for thinking I’m awesome.” …Thor was also rich, at least he was rich by the standards of the neighborhood where they lived, and he had all the best stuff ; if he invited you over to his place after school, you were lucky. Thor’s house had this great basement with leather sofas and a TV. He could watch down there all he wanted, and sometimes his mom would make cookies. She made great cookies by the way, and she would let you take a whole plateful of them downstairs with you.

And Thor liked Loki. They were friends from Second Grade on… They weren’t best friends, you understand, because Thor didn’t have best friends, Thor had _friends_ , full-stop. That was the unfortunate thing: If you hung out with him, you had to put up with his friends too. There was Hogan, who was the only Japanese kid in school and he kind of had a chip on his shoulder about it, and there was Fan, who always thought he was God’s gift to women. There was Sif… At first there was Sif. Later on Thor made one too many jokes about girls’ sports, and she stopped hanging out with him, but yeah, for a while, she was one of them too. …And who can forget VS of course? Good old VS, the fattest kid in class all through school, and he always thought he had to make those asshole-jokes, because you know, fat people are supposed to be jolly, etcetera.

VS is the one who nicknamed him Frosty. Frosty the Snowman, to be precise. That was in Second Grade, and VS was all like, “Ooh, _Alaska_ , bet it’s _cold_ in Alaska.” And, “Does it _snow_ in Alaska, Loki? Are you a _snowman_?” He fought VS over that snowman-nickname. Memorably. While they were on the field trip to the historical park in the Third Grade, and he pushed him into a puddle of mud and pig shit, behind one of the barns. He lost the fight of course, and he came home covered with more mud and pig shit than VS. And he got in trouble, big trouble. As in Dad spanked him instead of Mom, and Dad spanked _hard_. But it was worth it. And after that Thor told VS to can it, and that was the end of Frosty.

…Thor comes in on the 30th. You know how you worry about shit? All the way up to the 30th, Loki’s thinking about how embarrassing it’s going to be, being “out” in front of somebody… In front of Thor, who’s… Well, they’ve got a history, and he’s thinking about that, and he’s thinking, “How will it be now that I’m ‘with’ Tony?” And he thinks about stuff… Does he think about how it used to be? How Thor used to like to experiment? How he went out with girls all the time, but then he would glare at him, if he even saw Loki with a girl? Does he think about that?

He does, yeah, of course he does, but he also thinks about Tony. Tony knows there’s something up between them. That’s why he keeps saying, “I can stay with Pepper, are you sure you don’t want me to stay with Pepper?” Tony shouldn’t have to stay with Pepper. This was his place before it was Loki’s. Anyway, Loki doesn’t want him there, he loves Tony. It’s just… Well Tony talks a lot, and he can get really flirty. And he’s always touching him… Tony is, he can’t keep his hands off him sometimes. And that’ll be awkward. But if he does anything about it, or if he says anything, well then he’ll hurt Tony, won’t he?

And how is it when Thor gets here? Is anybody hurt (and who’s hurt)? Well, Tony is as charming as he can be. He’s all like, “Oh, we’ll take you to Disneyland. Everybody wants to go to Disneyland.” And, “Oh Thor, where else do you want to go, and what else do you want to see?” And, “Loki, I have to be gone all day tomorrow, but you can use my car.” He’s friendly, and he’s generous, and he talks to Thor about football, and he listens to the Country-Western station with him (when Loki knows for a fact that Tony hates Country-Western music). Tony’s just nice, and sociable the whole time, and he’s really polite about not touching Loki in front of Thor… He also doesn’t keep talking about, “My fiancée this,” or, “My fiancée that,” all the time. You basically wouldn’t know Tony has a sex life at all, except he and Loki are sleeping in the same bed.

Thor’s being really nice too. He’s being… Well at first he’s on his best behavior. He’s acting like… Well, kind of how he used to act with a strange Scout leader. He’s all, “Oh sir, this,” and, “Thank you for the hospitality Sir,” and so on. Then Tony says, “Call me Tony,” and he does, and after that… Well, people like Thor. He’s good at making people like him, and Tony likes him… He does, doesn’t he? …And they get along, they have fun together…

Both of them want to have Loki all to themselves, that’s what it really comes down to. Tony wants him because he’s “his,” and Thor… Would it have changed like this if Loki were with a girl instead of with Tony? This isn’t because he’s gay, is it? That’s just him being paranoid?

Then Tony goes to spend Thursday and Friday with Pepper, and it’s actually a relief. He and Thor have the apartment all to themselves, maybe they can really talk some. Of course, Tony’s all, “Oh, you want the Bugatti, Loki?” And of course Loki says no (even though he knows Thor wants him to say yes). Seeing Pepper means he’s seeing his parents, and what are Mommy and Daddy going to say if Baby Boy shows up in a beat-up old Rambler?

Thor’s like, “Your friend… He seems nice…” Thor: Two minutes after Tony’s gone, and he spreads out; he starts taking up all this extra space. Thor, who’s got both arms across the back of the sofa, and his feet on the coffee table… The fancy smoked glass coffee table, with the black metal legs. Pepper didn’t pick it out, by the way, it was a decorator of Mommy Stark’s that did it. …Thor, who’s got the remote control, and he’s flipping through channels while he talks. And he looks over. “Your friend’s nice.” And he looks back at the TV. “Rocky and Bullwinkle: You remember this show, Loki?”

Loki’s like, “Yeah, everyone remembers Rocky and Bullwinkle.” 

Bullwinkle’s pulling a rabbit out of a hat. Thor gestures with the remote. “I always thought of myself as Bullwinkle.”

More like bull- _shit..._ Loki’s like, “You were always the athlete, the Big Man on Campus.”

Thor: He leans back, maybe he slides a little closer to Loki. He’s like, “Big, strong, and dumb, that’s me. And you were Rocky, you were always charging at things, and doing what you believed in.”

That’s not really what he thought, all those years ago, is it? But it feels good to hear him say it now. And maybe if it didn’t feel quite so good: “You mean I was the short one,” Loki says.

And Thor’s like, “No, that was Hogan.” And he goes back to flipping channels. And flip, flip… There’s _Good Morning America,_ there’s _Sesame Street_. Flip, flip, flip… Thor pauses on _The Brady Bunch._ “We used to watch this together, remember Loki?”

He should just pick something and be done with it. Loki’s like, “I always hated that show.”

Flip, flip, flip… Thor grins. “Why? Not enough hot stepsisters at your house?”

_Because real problems don’t solve themselves in 25 minutes, dumbass._

…He finds Dastardly and Muttley and he stays on it. “I always liked this show.”

_This_ one? Loki doesn’t even remember this show. And he goes, “Which one am I in this one, Thor? Which one’s the short one?”

Thor… He’s slid almost right next to Loki now. His head’s back, feet way up on the coffee table. This perfectly relaxed smile on his face… “Zilly,” he says. “He’s the short one. What would be so bad about that? Zilly’s the smart one too.”

Zilly’s the nerdy one. Loki was always the nerdy one.

Thor says, “Why would you have to be any of them? Those guys are all bad guys.”

Loki’s like, “Why are we talking about this stupid show anyway?”

And Thor: He takes the remote control, clicks them back to Rocky and Bullwinkle. And he’s quiet for a while, then, “I always thought of you as Yankee Doodle Pigeon.” And a little more silence and, “You’re little, but you’re brave.”

Little, but brave… And he starts that again, like on the phone the other time, “I really admire you for being honest about who you are, Loki.”

And onscreen, Fearless Leader is telling Boris something, and then Boris is telling Natasha something, and then they’re both going out and doing something.

Thor’s like, “What does it feel like to be that brave, Loki?”

And he wants to be honest, he wants it so bad. And it comes out really low, “I'm not really so brave. I haven't been back to Minneapolis, have I?”

Thor looks over. “Why? Your parents would stand behind you?”

And Loki’s like, “Mom maybe, but Dad was always down on me. Not like your dad…”

And this look on Thor’s face… Like, this no-expression kind of a look. “Yeah,” he says. “Maybe you don’t know my dad so well.”

Loki takes the remote, and he turns off the TV. Guy up on the screen goes, “There’s something you don’t see every day, Chauncey,” and the other guy goes, “What’s that, Edgar?” Then click, and they’re off. There’s silence in the room, and Loki goes, “Your dad’s proud of you, Thor.”

And Thor says, “Yeah, I’ve always been just what he wants me to be.” And he doesn’t say anything more, and he doesn’t move any. He just sits like that for a little while, just sits there and they’re both quiet. Then after a while he gets up. “I’m hungry,” he says. “What do you have in the kitchen?”


	17. Some Shadows of Misty Yesteryear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduction of some infidelity (perhaps a little betrayal of trust).

“Here comes the saddest part,  
The seasons are passing one by one.  
So gather moments while you may  
Collect the dreams you dream today.  
Remember, will you remember  
The times of your life?

Gather moments while you may  
Collect the dreams you dream today.  
Remember, will you remember  
The times of your life?”  
\-- Paul Anka, “Times of Your Life”

How old was he, the first time he and Thor… You can’t call what they did, “having sex;” Thor certainly never called it that… Of course he never called it anything at all. He never _said_ anything at all about what would happen between them, never even invited him, or asked if it was okay… Of course it always was okay. ...As for Loki, the furthest he ever went was to think, “We’re close,” or, “There’s a bond between us,” some kind of bullshit thing like that, that it embarrasses you to think you’d say something like that, even to yourself. What they did was like having sex though. It was kind of like having sex.

…And how old were they when it started? Oh, who can say? Standard scene, so normal it’s stereotypical: Two boys having a sleepover, one of them wakes up with a hardon, and they’re both curious about what you can do with it. Then pretty soon they figure out that you can _make_ hardons, you can have one pretty well whenever you want. Those innocent, 11-year old hardons…

First time he ever shot was with Thor… It was in his bedroom, with his Captain America sheets, that bulletin board of his, where he pinned all his Big Daddy Roth stickers. Thor had Hulk pajamas on. Loki was wearing undershorts and a t-shirt… Thor had said something about his sailboat-pj's being for "babies," the last time he was there, and god forbid Mom was going to buy him new ones before he outgrew them. Isn’t it funny what you remember?

…Yeah, Thor had the fly on those Hulk pj’s open. He had his dick in his hand… His hard dick. He’s saying, “Look at me, Loki, look, I’m growing _hair_ …” Was that also the first time he ever got a hardon just from looking at a man? Maybe? …Thor’s all like, “Take yours out, Loki, let’s see if we can get you hard too.” Loki turns around for a minute… Yeah, he remembers turning around, because he knew only a queer would get hard just from looking at Thor. …He turns back with his dick out, and then they take turns pulling at each other. Thor shot first, and then after Loki shot, he said his own load had gone further.

Ahh, memories… What is it the song calls them? The shadows of misty yesteryears? Yeah, all those memories, misted in their case, by a faint spray of cum…

Here’s something disturbing: Tony’s been gone _a day_ , and Loki’s in the bedroom, reenacting the shadows of misty yesteryears with Thor. And what’s weird about it is that it isn’t sex. They’re not fucking, neither of them is sucking the other one off. It’s not sex, but he feels guilty… No, maybe what’s really weird, is that he’s cheated on Tony plenty already. There are all those times he went to Latveria, plus there are the times he and Sam used to get together, back before Sam was with Steve. If he’s going to feel guilty… Which is weird to begin with, because this is an open relationship, and you can be sure Tony’s had sex with all kinds of people. …But if he’s going to feel guilty, why isn’t it about the times when he really cheated on Tony? Why is it about this time, when all he did is wrestle around a little with Thor?

Why does he have to feel guilty in the first place? Not to reiterate here, but Tony’s the one always said this was an open relationship. AKA either one of them can have sex with whoever he wants to, whenever he wants to. AKA, what’s sauce for that goose ought to be sauce for this gander. But he still feels guilty as fuck. 

And here’s what happens in a nutshell:

Okay, shortly after our abortive little conversation in the morning, Loki has to go to work, which he does, not forgetting to invite his friend to come along with him. Bruin Theatre is one of the new multi-screen kind. Right now they’re showing _Raiders of the Lost Ark_ , _The Great Muppet Caper,_ , _For Your Eyes Only_ , and _Happy Birthday to Me,_ , and the ushers always get their friends into movies, that happens all the time. So he takes Thor. Thor watches _Raiders of the Lost Ark_ and the Bond movie, and then he sneaks out before the manager can catch on, and goes to the arcade for the rest of the afternoon. Then they go to the sushi place where Tony took him… Was that really a year ago now? …They go to that sushi place for dinner…

Thor and sushi: It is to laugh. Loki pulls the trick with the wasabi (and it totally backfires by the way, because yeah, Minnesota and guacamole). He makes Thor get the California rolls, because they’re safest. Then he gets flying fish eggs-nigiri and a lot of other stuff he knows Thor’s never heard of. Fried squid tentacles, and whole softshell crabs, all this stuff he knows is going to get a reaction. And it does, it gets a huge reaction.

Then they both get a little… Well, let us just say that Sapporos are drank. Kind of a lot of them. And they go home… One minute behind the wheel and he knows he shouldn’t be there, but he was… Let’s say he was channeling Tony.

…They get home okay though, and then once they’re there it just seems like the best idea ever, that they should smoke most of the pot Tony’s got in the top drawer of the bedside table. And they do… (Thor doesn’t ask about all the other stuff in there. _Thank God._ ) …And they both start to get kind of relaxed, maybe a little bit high. Maybe a lot high. And they’re on the bed…

Maybe that’s why it happened? Maybe if they’d taken the pot into the living room… Did either of them even suggest going back in there? No, because there’s a TV in the bedroom too, a TV and a VCR… Thor was all like, “Ooh, VCR. You guys got anything good?” Thor… He looks around. Thor’s not dumb. After a minute he says, “Porn, right? Just uh…”

Just _gay_ porn, is what he means. Oh, and Loki wanted to mess with him about that, he wanted to so bad…

Instead, he goes, “We have some movies too. Tony taped some stuff off the TV for me.”

Thor echoes, “Some stuff off the TV?” And this big roll of his eyes. “Those old movies you like?”

Oh, to show him some gay porn… Just to put _Summer of Scott Noll_ on there, or maybe _L’amour au pensionnat_ , just to see what he’d do…

No, but instead he just goes, “Jesus Christ, Thor,” maybe he rolls his own eyes a little.

Thor’s like, “I’m sorry.” He’s like, “You know I care about you, Loki,” and…

…And he says, “Come on over here and sit back down.” And, “We’ll smoke some more pot, maybe we can try out some of that booze your boyf…”

And he doesn’t say “boyfriend.” Apparently our friend the star running back can’t get those two words to pass his lips in this house. And he says, “We can try some of that booze.”

And at the moment, that seems like a very good idea, but instead of going and getting it right away, Loki goes back over to the bed…

You know, what’s funny about that, is if he had gotten it, probably they would have been too drunk to do anything. They would have just both passed out, just slept it off until morning. But instead…

Instead came some more pot. Loki’s head is really floaty, and the bed is the softest thing in the world. And he’s all relaxed, and Thor is all relaxed. And maybe he dazes off a little bit for a minute. Seems like he opens his eyes, and there Thor is next to him naked.

Thor’s like, “You always were a lightweight,” and…

And what does he say back? Something stupid… “Takes one to know one,” or something like that. And Thor laughs, and then he laughs. And then Thor says something.

“What do gay guys do together?” That’s what he says, isn’t it?

And he’s just so relaxed, and it just feels right to say back, “Why don’t you come over here and find out?”

And Thor gets on top of him. He’s fully hard, and Loki is fully hard too. And Thor puts his arms around him, and he puts his arms around Thor. And they start to kiss… Thor’s kind of clumsy about it at first, and Loki makes this joke… He says something about it, like, “Apparently girls don’t require much out of the star Gophers running back, huh?” Something like that.

Thor laughs, and it just makes him feel so good, it makes him feel so happy. And Thor says, “Okay Loki, you show me how you gay guys do it.”

And he shows him… His arms around Thor’s neck, and Thor’s around his waist. His mouth against Thor’s mouth, his tongue, deep inside there, playing with Thor’s tongue. And their dicks rubbing together, their hard, hard dicks. And things start to get really slippery… And you know, they’re both high as kites by then. …And they both cum, sooner, rather than later.

Oh, and Thor’s _face_ , that relaxed, happy smile on his face. And his blue eyes kind of half-lidded… And this thought goes through his head: “I’ve been wanting this so long,” and it just stays there.

And it seems like Thor says something. Thinking back, he could swear he said something to the effect of, “I knew it would be good with you, Loki.” Reality? Or was it just some drunk fantasy? 

Probably the latter…

And the next morning comes, and he feels like shit. And Thor makes some kind of a lame joke, something about, “Haven’t you learned to hold your booze better than that?”

And he doesn’t say that what he’s feeling isn’t a hangover, it’s guilt.


	18. My Love for You will Still be Strong, After the Boys of Summer Have Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces... A coming out story.

“Out on the road today I saw a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac.  
A little voice inside my head said,  
"Don't look back you can never look back."  
I thought I knew what love was, what did I know?  
Those days are gone forever, I should just let them go but…  


I can see you, your brown skin shining in the sun,  
You got that hair slicked back and those Wayfarers on, baby  
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong  
After the boys of summer have gone. ”  
\-- Don Henley, “Boys of Summer”

 

The thing with Thor is he always has to be so cool. All through school he was always like that, always playing it cool. It’s like he’s always got to have this guard up, and it’s hard to get him to take it down. 

And... And, Friday, Loki takes Thor to Disneyland, and it’s kind of like that there, it’s kind of like that for both of them. Because first of all, both of them are hungover, after drinking so much and stuff, Thursday night, and also... Well, some stuff happened you know? Some stuff happened between them, and it was good stuff yeah, but it leaves this weird feeling, and that’s part of it too. And they wake up… They’d already planned to go to Disneyland that day... 

What he said to Thor: “If you visit Los Angeles, you have to go to Disneyland. It’s a rule.”

Jesus, when he said that… Thor gives him this look. “Where’d you get that?” he says. “Did your boyfriend say that?”

What is it with Thor, and the idea that he has a boyfriend? Is it jealousy? Jesus, he’s only had like a million chances to get Loki for himself, if he wanted him, it’s not like he’s ever made a move. But of course Thor thinks he owns him, he always has. Loki’s like his pet, his gay pet, and you want your pet doing what you want him to do.

Anyway, Thor’s all like, “Oh, did your boyfriend say that, your precious boyfriend, Loki?”

And they’re eating breakfast. They’re eating Frosted Flakes and drinking instant coffee, and trying not to have a fight, and it’s getting harder and harder. And Loki goes, “We don’t have to go to Disneyland if you don’t want to.”

Then Thor’s like, “Yeah, but we’d better should, because _your boyfriend_ said.”

And they do go. And it is fuckin’ _crowded_ there. Ten o’clock, but the parking lot’s already packed tight a mile out. And they walk fifteen minutes to get to the front gate, then after that they have to stand in line for like half an hour to get their tickets. And Loki’s like, “We could still bail, we could go somewhere else,” but of course they don’t really consider it, not when they’ve already paid for parking. And then… _Finally_. …Finally, they’re inside the park, and there’s a Mickey waving at them, and then… And then it’s all different. Thor changes, like night and day.

See, there’s Mickey, all right? And there’s this flower bed behind him, all these plants laid out in the shape of Mickey’s head. Thor sees that, and he starts laughing like he’s crazy. And he goes, “Look Loki, we’ve already scored two Mickeys.” Then he looks around, and he sees this balloon seller… You know those helium balloons you can get with the mouse’s head inside? Thor sees a guy going by selling those things, and he goes, “Look Loki, more Mickeys.” And he says, “What do you want to bet we go in the crapper, and the urinal’s shaped like Mickey too?”

And he laughs, and Loki laughs. And Loki says, “No, the urinal _cakes_.” 

Thor goes, “Right, because it would be hard to aim, if you had to piss into a mouse-head, huh.”

And then they both laugh some more, and after that it’s okay again, you know? Better than okay, after that it’s great. After that they’re two kids together, like being let off the leash by Mommy and Daddy for the day, or like when you’re on a Boy Scout trip, the Scoutmaster isn’t watching. And they play all these jokes, and they go on all these rides. And they _eat_ , oh god, do they eat! If it’s not nailed down… Thor keeps seeing these food trucks, or he’ll see these restaurants. He’ll be like, “Oh look, hotdogs,” or he’ll be like, “Look, Loki, hamburgers, look, Loki, _ice cream_.” And they stop at this store on Main Street, they get some of those big striped lollipops. Those things cut your mouth up like hell, by the way, but they still eat them.

And Thor gets them out of standing in line for the Matterhorn, by sweet-talking the girl at the front of the line. He’s bragging about that all day, then he just barely makes it off the Teacups without barfing, and he shuts up for a while.

Of course he’s all like, “Well we have to watch the Parade.”… And of course it’s crowded as hell, and of course all the benches are taken. Thor goes, “You get one, Loki, I know you can.” And of course he does, because it’s Thor asking him. Hasn’t he always done anything if Thor asked him? And after that they watch the fireworks. These huge, Disney-style fireworks, and some of them are shaped like Mickey-heads (and they both laugh some more at those).

…So they’re sitting on the bench, okay? It’s getting dark now, and they’re sitting, sort of close, sort of just squashed together, because it’s not the biggest bench in the world. Thor’s voice comes up above him (and kind of out of the shadows). “Good day, huh?”

Loki goes, “Yeah.”

Thor’s voice (out of the shadows, and meanwhile, with the pop, pop, pop, of the first fireworks starting): “What do you want to do after this?” And Thor’s hand… Shadows are wrapping around them, and it’s getting dark, and they’re on that bench together, and Thor’s hand comes over and it wraps around his. 

And his body aches, he’s so tired by now, he’s ready to go home, but you know… Sometimes there are days you don’t want to see end. And he’s like, “We could go dancing.”

Thor goes, “Me? Ha. I’ve got two left feet.” 

And… For some inexplicable reason. … And he goes, “Or we could go to a bathhouse.”

After that, Thor doesn’t answer for a while. Loki’s sitting there, he’s he could go back in time and not say it, he’s thinking about all the ways this could go wrong. …He’s thinking he’s an idiot, is what he’s thinking, a stupid, big-mouthed little idiot. And then Thor goes, “One of those places with the free sex, right?”

And he pushes him: “All the free _gay_ sex, yeah.”

Thor… No answer for a minute again. Then, “Yeah, that’s what I meant.”

And they go to Latveria, of course. And Thor is very impressed by the pool in the lobby. He keeps going on and on, “Oh, they go in the water naked? Oh wow, look at that guy, oh, look what they’re doing,” etcetera. …Also the people smoking dope in the hallway, and the guys passing around poppers, passing around nose candy in the bar. And Loki wants to ask him, “Jesus, how naïve are you, Thor? What did you do for the past year?” But instead, he asks the thing he’s always wanted to ask: “You’re gay, aren’t you?”

Thor’s had about three beers. He is feeling… somewhat relaxed by now. And he goes, “Maybe.” And he finishes his latest beer, and then, “I’ve been thinking about it.”

Loki gives him Steve’s standard answer: “You don’t _think_ about it, you either are or you aren’t.”

And Thor looks over at the bar, he looks like he’s thinking about getting another beer. “Okay, I am,” he says. And he looks at the bar again, and, “Or bi maybe,” he says. “I’ve done it with girls. I like doing it with girls, girls are hot, but…” And, “But it’s just…”

And they sit there. Loki finishes his V&T, Thor fiddles with his beer glass a little. Then Thor goes, “I’m thinking of asking Jane to marry me. She’s nice, and the folks like her...” And he fiddles with the glass some more. “Her ass is really sexy too. I could get into having that ass around for the rest of my life, but…” And he says, “You want another drink?” And he goes and gets them each one.

And they’re sitting there under this fern okay? There’s all these naked guys walking around, all these guys talking about sex and shit. And it’s the most honest they’ve ever been with each other, it’s like they’re finally telling the truth. And Thor goes, “I just wanted to see what it was like. You’ve got all this freedom, Loki, you don’t know how lucky you are.”

Loki goes, “Yeah, lucky. I go home, and I’m just Loki the Screw-Up again.”

And Thor takes a drink of beer. “Screw-up that earned a full scholarship to UCLA,” he says. “Yeah, right.” And he drinks some more beer. “I go home, I’m just Thor who’s dad won the Walker Award, and married the girl he pinned when he was 18. How am I supposed to compete with that?” And he takes another drink. “It’s easier when peoples’ expectations aren’t that high.”

And Loki could tell him that it’s not, but he doesn’t. And they sit there for a while longer. When they go home, they sleep in Tony’s bed again, but they don’t do anything this time, they just sleep. And it’s nice having someone warm next to him at night (and to be quite honest, part of that is that it’s Thor), but it leaves him with a guilty feeling again.

And the other thing is, he has to tell Tony that Victor is in the hospital. Kris told him when they were at Latveria, and Tony’s going to want to know. They’re friends, he’s going to want to visit him. Tony can get the flowers, he’s the rich one. Knowing Victor, he won’t want the cheap-ass kind of flowers Loki can afford.


	19. Words are Hard to Find, They're Checks I've Left Unsigned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cedars-Sinai Hospital, and Tony talks about serious things for once.

“Don't think me unkind  
Words are hard to find  
They're only cheques I've left unsigned  
From the banks of chaos in my mind  
And when their eloquence escapes me  
Their logic ties me up and rapes me.

De do do do de da da da,  
Is all I want to say to you  
De do do do de da da da,  
Their innocence will pull me through  
De do do do de da da da,  
Is all I want to say to you  
De do do do de da da da,  
They're meaningless and all that's true. ”  
\-- The Police, “De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da”

 

Saturday morning, and they’re eating breakfast… Late breakfast of Egg McMuffins and coffee, and those weird square-shaped hash brown things they sell at McDonalds. Thor eats three of them by the way. And two McMuffins. …Loki’s sitting there. He’s waiting for his coffee to get cool enough to drink. Thor goes, “That guy last night, who was he?”

“That guy.” And he means Victor, right? But Loki plays dumb anyway: “That guy?”

“Guy that’s in the hospital.” Thor wipes up some catsup with a hash brown and eats it. “The guy at the desk told you about him. He’s a friend, right?”

And Loki’s like, “Yeah, his name’s Victor.” And… Sip-sip at the coffee… Still too hot. He opens the last of those little milk things they give you and puts it in. Will it be cool enough to drink now? Oh my goodness, what a surprise, it is not! “Victor’s Tony’s friend.”

Thor looks at him. Blue eyes, and a smear of catsup right by his lower lip. Loki thinks, “If we were home, I’d wipe that away,” and, “…If Tony wasn’t at home.” …And then he feels guilty.

And Thor looks at him… “What’s up about that?” he says. 

Wow, there are so many different ways to answer that one. What does he even mean? Is he asking if Loki thinks Tony’s cheating on him with Victor? Or if he’s an ex-boyfriend? And the easiest thing to do is just answer the surface-question:

And he says, “Victor’s got skin cancer.” And he tastes the coffee again. …And it’s still too hot to drink.

And Thor gives him one of those Movie of the Week/Serious Illness kinds of looks. “Is it bad?”

And since he doesn’t know, Loki just shrugs. “It’s cancer, right?”

Thor goes, “I guess.”

Loki’s like, “Cancer’s always serious, isn’t it?” And after that, “What’s up with you, why’re you asking so many questions.”

And this time Thor shrugs. “I’m just trying to be a good friend.”

Which has got to be a first for him. Since when did Thor Odinson ever recognize that he had to _try_ to be good at anything?

Loki’s like, “I dunno. I guess I’m worried, but…” And another shrug. “Victor looked all right the last time I saw him. I guess he’s okay, only Tony’s been so freaked out about his own health lately…”

And the last part just slips out, he didn’t mean to say it. And Thor just looks at him some more. Then later when Tony gets home… Which is in time for lunch, by the way, and he’s gotten them reservations at Spago. Certain people are trying _hard_ to be good to their guests. …And of course Tony does freak out some. And he tries to hide it, but it shows. And Loki tells him the news… This is _after_ lunch, you understand.

Tony’s like, “They made him go in on a holiday weekend? Couldn’t it have waited?” And a frown, and a look that comes into his eyes, this look that says he’s got a pretty good idea why it couldn’t have waited. And he doesn’t say anything more for a minute, and there are all these looks that go across his face while he thinks about it. Then he’s like, “Jesus Christ, cancer’s a bitch. It is the cancer, right?”

And Loki shrugs. “Kris didn’t say.”

“I sure wouldn’t want to go that way,” Tony says. And he doesn’t say anything else for a while (and more thoughts chase themselves across his face), and then, “You know he won’t want us to visit.” Little laugh, kind of a tense little laugh. “You know Victor…”

And Loki nods. “He’ll tell us we shouldn't have come.”

And they go… Lunch at Eddie’s Eatery on Sunday, because it’s on the way to Cedars-Sinai, and Tony’s like, “I know a florist…” Florist’s a block away, and Tony’s like, “They’re good, Pepper uses them all the time…” And he breaks off when he says Pepper’s name, glances over at Loki. Then he really looks at him. “You guys have talked, haven’t you?”

Loki’s like, “Yeah.”

“Yeah, I could tell,” Tony says. “You don’t get mad like you used to, when I talk about her.” And… This is at Eddie’s. They’re in a booth, kind of toward the back. …And Tony leans over. His lips just brush Loki’s cheek. “You’re kind of an open book, you know.”

And Loki’s like, “You sure you want to do that in here?” But Tony doesn’t answer.

After a while, Tony goes, “She blows stuff out of proportion, you know.” His food in front of him: His burger, still half-eaten, most of his fried zucchinis still in the basket. There’s just three or four empty Lowenbrau bottles on the table, that’s about all he’s had. And he’s like, “She’s a good girl, but she blows things out of proportion. Don’t take anything she says too seriously.”

And they go to Cedars-Sinai. Tony’s got this ridiculous floral arrangement with him; he insists on carrying it. And he says, “How’s that thing from _Macbeth_ go? ‘Birnam Wood to high Dunsinane shall come,’ something like that…” And another of those laughs. “Did you read that in High School?”

And they go in… Elevator’s way at the back. Reception desk with this old lady sitting at it, and then there’s the gift shop, florist on the other side. Tony looks at that, and he’s like, “I’m glad we stopped. Can you imagine if I took Victor something from there?”

Loki shrugs. How’s he supposed to know what kind of flowers Victor likes?

And then there’s this smell of burnt coffee, place over to the left that’s selling coffee, “Gourmet Coffee,” it says. And another reception desk, and this one has nurses at it. And their elevator is _way_ at the back; they have to go past about a million other elevators to get to it, and the nurse at the information desk is like, “I’m sorry for the inconvenience, Mr. Stark. Kaposi’s Sarcoma is such a _rare_ disorder.”

And this muttered aside from Tony as they get into the elevator: “Congratulations, Victor, you’ve got a _rare disorder_.” And then they’re upstairs. And there is another reception desk, with more nurses at it, and they point the way down the hall to Victor’s room.

Victor has the lights off in there. He’s got the TV on. News. Soviet Foreign Something, Andrei Gromyko is doing something, and President Reagan is doing something somewhere else… Oh, and look, Chris Evert Lloyd just won her third title at Wimbledon. They go in there, Victor turns it off. “I suppose Kris told you I was here?” he says. “You shouldn't have come.”

And they give him the flowers. (Victor also says, “You should have saved your money, Stark.”) They’re the only flowers in there, but Tony doesn’t say anything about that, and neither does Loki. And they sit down, and Tony’s like, “So, Victor, you look pretty good.”

Victor is thinner than Loki can remember him being. He’s thin and… Kind of sick-looking? And his voice sounds breathless, and he goes, “Save your flattery for your boyfriend, Stark, I look like hell.”

And Loki can’t think of anything to say. Tony goes, “You always were a kidder,” which kind of sounds like he can’t either. 

And they sit there a while longer, and nobody talks. And after a long time Victor says, “You’ve been by Latveria, how did things look to you?”

Tony sounds awkward: “I didn’t go. Loki did.”

And at least that gives him something to say. Loki says he went by the night of the third, he took a friend he went to High School with…

And a flash of the old Victor: “Some competition for Stark?” he says.

Loki’s like, “No.” And he lies, “Thor and I are just friends.” And all this stuff, like, yes, the bar was full, and lots of drinks being served. And the pool was crowded. Friday night, and right before the Fourth, and everybody was celebrating, and all this.

Victor goes, “Good.” He’s like, “I thought the gay pneumonia scare might drive down business.”

And Victor wants to talk a lot about this whole “gay pneumonia” thing. This is something they’re talking about in New York, apparently: There’ve been some cases of pneumonia, and all of them have been gay men. And Loki just keeps wishing he’d shut up about it, because it’s worrying Tony, he knows it is. Tony’s already obsessing on his health too much, and how he still doesn’t feel 100%, and does Loki think it’s his lifestyle, because he knows he should be more careful, but he never _is_ more careful… Loki went over to the Med School library on campus one day, and he looked up cirrhosis of the liver. It’s not that at any rate, because you have to drink for a lot of years before that develops, and you have to be an alcoholic, and Tony probably isn’t.

Anyway, Victor talks about that, and he talks a little bit about being sick (a very little bit). “It’s mostly Jewish men who are diagnosed with Kaposi’s,” he says, “and my doctor is hypothesizing that perhaps I have some Jewish ancestors.” And then he gives kind of a snort, and says, “My father traced our ancestry: Pure Romany, back twelve generations. The man’s a quack, don’t go to him if you’re ever sick.”

And afterward they stop at the coffee stand in the lobby. And Loki gets a cup of chocolate-flavored coffee, and Tony gets a banana muffin. And the coffee tastes burnt… It tastes burnt and too weak at the same time, and all there is to put in it is generic-brand coffee creamer. …And Loki doesn’t drink it. And Tony says his muffin’s stale, and he doesn’t eat it, just picks it apart, and puts the crumbs on top of the plastic it was wrapped in.

And Tony’s like, “He’s dying, isn’t he?”

Loki’s like, “I don’t know, how am I supposed to know that?”

“That’s the worst thing that could happen to you, I think,” Tony says, and he looks down at the muffin, and he crumbles a little bit more of it. “Dying alone like that,” he says. “That’s the worst thing that could happen to you.”

And Loki looks down into his coffee cup. He swirls it around, looks at the generic-creamer trails on the top. “You’re not going to die alone. You’ve got Pepper, and you’ve got me.”

And Tony’s like, “I don’t deserve either of you. I treat both of you like shit.” And his hands are still moving, he’s still messing with the crumbs of that muffin. He’s like, “If both of you left, it would be just what I deserve, and then I would be alone. It would be just my parents…” And his voice gets really low, and he says, “They don’t really know me, so it would be like being alone.”

Loki thinks about saying, “Well, whose choice was that?” He doesn’t. And he doesn’t say, “Why don’t you stop lying about yourself then?” And he takes a drink of his coffee, which is cold now, as well as being really awful. And he says, “Anyway, it’s not like you’re going to die.”

And Tony looks at him, and their eyes meet… For a minute or two their eyes meet, and it’s like they’re telling each other things that way, both of them are telling each other things they can’t say with words. And then Tony takes his hand, and he says, “Anyway, I’m done lying to my parents about who I am.”

And this thought goes through Loki’s head: “I’ll believe that when I see it.” But of course he doesn’t say it out loud. And after that they throw their stuff in the trash, and they leave for home.

Tony’s like, “When does your friend have to go back to Missouri?”

Loki’s like, “It’s Minnesota.”

And Tony gives him this funny smile. “At least I remembered it’s the Midwest. That’s good for me, right?”

And Loki goes, "Monday, he's going back on Monday."

Tony's like, "I'm glad you got to see an old friend.

…And it occurs to him while he’s in the car driving home: That friend of Steve’s who died last winter, didn’t he die of pneumonia? It just sort of pops into his head, and he’s thinking, “Maybe the gay pneumonia is out here too.” And he thinks about Victor, and he wonders if he should tell him, or if it would just freak him out, and he thinks about Tony, but he knows it would freak him out if he told him.


	20. Up and Down This Highway and We Haven't Seen a Goddamn Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces Harold Hogan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I've got the weather right for Minneapolis in July here. It used to be hot as hell by July Fourth when I was living in Lafayette, Indiana, but that was a lot of miles further south.

“Glowin' and burnin', blinded by thirst  
They didn't see the stop sign, took a turn for the worst  
She said, "Listen baby, you can hear the engine ring  
We've been up and down this highway, haven't seen a goddamn thing."

He said, "Call the doctor, I think I'm gonna crash."  
"The doctor say he's comin' but you gotta pay in cash."  
They were rushin' down that freeway, messed around and got lost.  
They didn't care, they were just dyin' to get off and it was

Life in the fast lane, surely make you lose your mind  
Life in the fast lane  
Life in the fast lane, everything all the time  
Life in the fast lane”  
\-- The Eagles, “Life in the Fast Lane”

Well after the hospital and Victor and all, Loki would have been happy just to forget about the Fourth, but of course Thor was there. Tony was all, “Oh, I got tickets for the fireworks show at the Bowl…” He was like that… Then things started to get weird.

Tony’s like, “You’re not going to let _your friend_ leave LA without seeing the Hollywood Bowl, Loki?” He says it like that, with the italics. They’re not obvious, but they’re there. And he knows there’s something between Loki and Thor, doesn’t he? Tony’s been around, he notices stuff. But he’s not talking about it, he’s not saying anything of what he’s thinking. 

And oh god, oh god, the guilt-feelings. And, “I don’t know,” Loki finds himself saying, “ _My friend’s_ going to leave LA without seeing a lot of stuff, what’s one more or less on the list?” And he says it like that, with his own italics, and lots and lots of defensiveness. And, “Meanwhile _your friend_ is in the hospital,” he says. “Do you really want to go watch a fireworks show tonight, is that really what you’re in the mood for?”

And Tony just looks at him. Then after a minute he says, “I don’t know. I don’t want a fight. I’m sure whatever you’re upset about, you think I caused it.”

And Loki thinks about what happened at the hospital. He thinks about Tony holding his hand tight, and saying, “I don’t want to die alone, Loki,” and he thinks about how that made him feel. It’s hard to get past the guilt though …and the anger. Of all people, what right does Tony have to throw those hints of his around, about him and Thor? This is Tony we’re talking about, okay? Who’s never been faithful to anyone in his entire life? Who’s not capable of being faithful… How many times has he said that about himself? …And he’s going to sit there hinting around about somebody else? And it feels like the least he could do is come right out and say it; Loki at least deserves that.

And then he figures that since Tony’s never going to do that, at least somebody ought to, and he says, “If you’re thinking Thor and I had sex while you were gone, you’re right.” And he stands there, and he looks Tony straight in the eye (but he has to grit his teeth to make himself do it). “It’s just sex, right?” he says. “Isn’t that what you always told me?”

And Tony looks like he wants to say something. It feels like there’s a thought flashing between them, “It’s not just sex is it?” Maybe that’s just his guilty imagination talking. Then Tony looks away. “Yeah,” he says. “Just sex.” And a pause, then, “I do think we should take Thor to the show, though. He deserves to have some fun. None of this is his issue.”

Loki wants to say, “Me falling in love with him is his issue,” but Jesus Christ, he’s not going to say that. “Yeah,” he says instead. “It’s the Fourth, I guess we’ve got to do something.”

They’re at the apartment by now. Tony’s parked the car, and they’re going toward the elevator. he takes Loki’s hand. “Bet you guys made a big deal about the Fourth in the Midwest,” he says. They’re already really close, standing, waiting for the elevator to come, and now he leans closer. “Fireworks, wienie roasts, that kind of stuff.”

Loki’s like, “Yeah, our Boy Scout Troop used to have a fireworks stand every year.” And he thinks about it, how it was always so hot and sticky, but of course you always had to work so many hours in it, that was part of being in the Troop. And he thinks about how he and Thor used to take turns going over to the Kroger at the other end of the parking lot, and they’d bring back those two-liter Faygo bottles and have burping contests. Because you had to drink those things fast; give them too long sitting around inside the stand, and they’d be blood-warm and they’d taste like shit. And he thinks how that used to be summer for him: He and Thor would work the fireworks stand, then Mr. Odinson would pick them up and he’d walk home from Thor’s house, and the fireflies would just be coming out, rising up out of the grass. And he thinks how now his summers seem to be taking people to see shows he doesn’t want to see, and a lot of undertones from his cheating boyfriend. …And just thinking about that makes a pang come into his heart, but he’s not sure who it’s for. “Yeah,” he says. “We’d have a stand, and on the night of the Fourth Mr. Odinson would set off everything we had left, and it was usually a lot.” And he leans closer to Tony as the elevator doors open, and then they both get on at the same time. “And me and the other guys would man the grill,” he says, “but it was hamburgers not hot dogs, and they were from cows from Thor’s grandfather’s farm.”

And they’re standing there while the elevator goes up. Tony’s like, “Good times.” And the doors ping open and they get out. “Dad used to take us to the Hamptons,” Tony says. And they’re walking down the hall, and, “We’d go there, and it’d be really cold. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Southhampton in July…” And Loki just looks at him. Tony kind of laughs. “Yeah, anyway, we’d go in June, and it wouldn’t be warm yet there, not like it is here.” They’re almost to the apartment now, and Tony’s talking. “I used to complain about that I guess,” he says, “about it being cold, I mean. Because one time we were invited to the Governor’s Mansion for the Fourth…”

They’re at the apartment now. Loki unlocks the door. “…We were invited to the Governor’s Mansion,” Tony continues. “I think I was fifteen? Sixteen, maybe? That was the second Governor’s Mansion; it was a lease, and the Reagans moved there because Nancy said the real one wasn’t good enough, and…” Door’s still not open by the way; they’re still just standing out in the hallway, and Tony’s talking. “I suppose you’ve also never been to Sacramento in July?” And a laugh, sort of a soft laugh. “So many places you haven’t seen. You’ve got to stay with me long enough for me to show them all to you, promise me, Loki.” And, “It’s really hot in Sacramento in the summertime,” he says. “And I remember Mom teased me, because I used to complain about it being cold when we were in the Hamptons. She said I was a Goldilocks, and I was never satisfied, and Dad laughed, and I got so mad.”

And they go into the apartment. Thor’s on the sofa, flipping through channels on the TV. He’s got something playing, _F. Troop,_ it sounds like. And he looks over. “How’s your friend doing?”

Tony gives this shrug. And a laugh, kind of an awkward laugh. “It would piss Victor off like hell if he thought I’d answer that one honestly,” he says. “Victor hates anything that makes him look weak.” And he pauses for a minute, then, “He looked pretty bad though, didn’t he, Loki?”

Awkwardest answer so far in this conversation: “Yeah,” Loki hears himself saying, “pretty bad.”

And Thor goes, “I’m sorry to hear that.” Standard Midwestern response. And he looks at them. “You guys doing okay?”

And another shrug from Tony, and an answer: “Sure, it’s not like we’re the ones that are sick.”

Thor’s like, “I could go somewhere if you guys want some privacy. I could go into the bedroom, or something.”

And Tony goes, “Never mind, we’ve had a chance to talk already.” After a minute he adds, “Thanks,” like he just realized he should say it.

Of course nobody’s really in the mood to go out after everything that’s happened, but in the end they do go to the fireworks show. Nobody’s really in the mood to sit at home and be depressed either, and it’s not like there’s anything in the fridge for them to eat. And Tony’s like, “We’ll stop and grab stuff for a picnic on the way; there’s a Westward Ho near here, right Loki?”

It’s a Gelson’s, but one upscale grocery store is just like any other one, and they stop and they get stuff. They get all the cliché things, like Brie and fruit and a baguette, and some Chardonnay, and then Loki goes back and gets a wine-opener that costs way too much, because they forgot theirs at home. And they get one of those rotisserie chickens, because Thor’s a meat-eater, and Chocodiles in case any of them want dessert. They basically buy the whole store in other words, and they go over to the Bowl.

And Pepper’s there with a guy in a leisure suit and an older couple, who don’t look like they belong with her. And Tony nudges Loki, and he goes, “Classic Pepper. Look, she’s dressed down.”

“Dressed down,” in this case is Calvin Klein jeans, and Pepper looks like a million dollars just like always. Then she turns a little, and Loki sees she's wearing a Dodgers shirt, and he knows what Tony means.

And she comes over and talks to them for a little while, later on during the show. She smiles, and she’s like, “You going to give me some of that wine?” And they give her some in one of the red plastic cups they brought, and she drinks some of it, then she says, “You’d better be treating these nice kids right, Tony.”

He lifts his glass, and touches hers with it like he’s toasting her. “I am as always a perfect gentleman.” 

And Pepper’s like, “Perfect isn’t a word anyone would use to describe you, Tony Stark.” And they sit there together for a little while. Pepper has some Brie and a pear, and she talks a little bit to Thor, you know, asks him questions and stuff.

After a while, Tony says, “That’s Harry, that you told me about?” And a nod from Pepper, and he’s like, “Tell me he’s not introducing you to his parents tonight. Is he, Pepper?”

And she drinks the last of her wine, holds out the cup for a refill. “Don’t try and make anything out of this, Tony. They’re in town, like Loki’s friend is in town. Everyone knows the Bowl does the best fireworks in LA.”

Tony refills his glass as well as hers. He’s like, “But it is getting serious?” And Pepper nods. “I’m going to tell my parents we’re breaking off the engagement,” Tony says. “I swear to you, Pep, I will do it.”

Pepper just looks at him. “No you won’t.”

And Tony sighs. “Yeah, I probably won’t.”

After that nobody talks for a while. Things are starting to get tense, there on the grass, under the Los Angeles sky, with the pretty fireworks going off all around. Then Pepper laughs, and she holds out her glass for more wine.

“My god, Tony,” she says. “Sometimes you can be so sweet, and then sometimes you’re the most selfish jerk in the world.” And that’s really the problem with him right there, isn’t it? ...Or maybe that’s the problem with all of them?


	21. Together We Stand, Divided We Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces three virgins to a midnight movie experience. And with an invitation from Thor...

“Hey you, out there on your own  
Sitting naked by the phone  
Would you touch me?  
Hey you, with your ear against the wall  
Waiting for someone to call out  
Would you touch me?  
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone?  
Open your heart, I'm coming home.

But it was only fantasy.  
The wall was too high,  
As you can see.  
No matter how he tried,  
He could not break free.  
And the worms ate into his brain.

Hey you, standing in the road  
always doing what you're told,  
Can you help me?  
Hey you, out there beyond the wall,  
Breaking bottles in the hall,  
Can you help me?  
Hey you, don't tell me there's no hope at all  
Together we stand, divided we fall.”  
\-- Pink Floyd, “Hey You”

In bed with Tony, that night after they get home from the fireworks. …His bed, with those black sheets… Was it really a year ago that he saw those sheets for the first time and he… He didn’t like them, did he? Because they weren’t the printed sheets his Momma used to use. Those sheets with… What was it they used to have on them? Like paisleys and things? Or she’d get him plaid sheets, because you know, he was a boy, so of course his sheets had to have boy-prints. And she and Dad had flowers on their sheets… _Have_ , of course. Their sheets _have_ flowers on them… Probably. It’s not like he’s been home lately to check or anything.

…Those black sheets that used to seem so decadent, when he got here a year ago. They were like, oh, wow, bachelor pad stuff. Like, let’s just get a round waterbed and be done with it why don’t we? Let’s put _The Art of Seduction_ right there on the bedside table where everyone can see it, because of course _everyone_ is going to go in here, because those sheets said it right out loud: “I’m it, I’m hot, I’m a happening dude.” …Or something along those lines anyway.

…Those sheets, that used to feel like they mattered so much, and now they’re there because he and Tony never notice them. …They never change them either, do they? Not often enough, anyway. Tony had a fever back a few weeks ago… Like, it was two weeks ago, maybe three now, and he had a fever for a few days, and he sweated right through the sheets. They must have changed them after that, right? But he can’t remember doing it himself, and Tony surely wouldn’t. …So it has to be the same sheets. The same black, happening-dude sheets, and they used to matter so much, and now he doesn’t even notice them.

And they get back really late on the Fourth, because after the fireworks, Tony’s like, “Well, that was fun, let’s go do something.” Which is typical for him of course, and sometimes Loki’ll get irritated. Only that night he doesn’t. He’s had just enough wine, and those last fireworks were so pretty, and besides, Thor looks like he wants to go.

Tony’s like, “Let’s do something.”

And Loki’s like, “What?”

And Tony says, “I don’t know, something really fun.”

Thor goes, “Midnight movie.” He’s like, “My frat did that one time. We smoked lots of pot, and we drank some beer, and then we went and saw _The Wall._ ”

And Tony’s like, “A midnight movie? Really?” And then he stops; it’s like he realizes he’s coming across like a total asshole here, and he stops. And, “Not _The Wall_ though,” he says. “Pink Floyd’s been going downhill ever since Syd Barrett left.”

And they go to _Rocky Horror_ instead. They go to the Fox Theatre in Venice, because Freddie says they put on the best show in town. And they go over there, and it’s a toss-up which of them is less comfortable, Tony or Thor... 

And part of the time while they’re there, that’s what Loki’s thinking about. He’s thinking that the next time he goes in to work, he’s going to have to tell Freddie he went. Because Freddie’s been telling him he should go, he’s been all like, “Oh, you’re still a virgin?” And, “Oh my god Loki, you have to let me take you, Loki, it will be a scream, Loki, you will have _so much fun,_ ” and this and that.” And he’s thinking, “I’ll have to tell Freddie that the virgin finally made it to _Rocky Horror_ ,” and how he took two guys with him that were really virgins. He’s thinking about that…

Part of the time he’s thinking about that. The rest of the time… Well Tony’s got his arm around him of course. Because he’s his _boyfriend_ , because that’s what you do with your _boyfriend_. Even back when they were first going out… And Tony has come out of the closet a little since then, even if it’s not enough. …Even the first movie they ever saw together, he’s always put his arm around him after the movie started. After the lights went down you know. After it was dark, and no one could see them.

…And Tony puts his arm around him, because it’s what you do. And it gets dark in there, and the movie starts. And then Thor’s hand just barely touches his shoulder… Because he was thinking of putting his arm around him, right? That’s what’s happening here? …He feels Thor’s hand touch his shoulder, and then it pulls back right away. And that’s all that happens, it’s really all. But it kind of spoils the movie for him a little bit.

And then it’s over. Tony’s like, “Well that _was_ an experience.”

And Thor wants to go, “Oh, I’ll bet you know some of the people up there, you do, right, Loki? Because you’re in Theatre, and…”

Theatre and Film, by the way: _Definitely_ the same thing. Oh, Thor…

And he wants to go, “Oh, I’ll bet you know some of them, do you know some of them, Loki? Which ones do you know?”

Freddie does Columbia sometimes. That’s the girl that tap dances, because all the characters are played by the opposite gender, that’s kind of the point. He does Columbia sometimes… But that’s in Westwood, because he says the Venice theatre only invites certain people. What was it he said? “Oh, I’m not in _that crowd_ ,” something like that. “They do the best show in town, but I’m not in _that crowd_..." Anyway, he’s got the early shift at The Bruin tomorrow, so he’d better not be out this late. He’d better be home asleep.

And he goes, “Oh, I don’t know any of these guys,” and Thor looks kind of disappointed.

And they go home. Tony’s like, “Oh, I’m tired. Guess I’ll go to bed.”

Thor’s like, “I don’t know, I guess I’ll stay up for a while, see what’s on TV.” And he looks at Loki. “Want to stay up with me?”

And Loki says no (because it feels like Tony wants him to), and he goes to bed. And they don’t have sex, but Tony kisses him a little. And, “I know you don’t have to stay with me,” he says. And his arm, around Loki’s neck… He feels a little feverish now too. …And, “I get it, believe me. You’re here because you care, and there’s another guy… Do you want to go with him, Loki? I mean, if I’m stopping you…” Aww Jesus, Tony, why do you have to be like this? If he could just be only an asshole, or only nice, but instead he’s got to go back and forth, half one way and half the other. And he goes, “I always said, ‘You do what’s right for _you_ ,’ and if you want to go with him, Loki…” And this kiss, this tender, affectionate kiss. And, “I’m not standing in your way,” he says. “I want you to know that.”

And, “Thor’s never asked me to go anywhere,” that’s what’s going through his head. It would be a shit move to say that though, now when Tony’s being so nice. But it feels like a shit move to be quiet about it too; it feels like he’s lying to Tony. And he tries to keep his conscience quiet by telling himself, “Tony lies to me all the time,” but he knows it’s not the same.

And then the next day Thor does ask him to go away with him. It happens just like that: One day Tony says, “Well, you can go with him,” and then the next day Thor asks. And they’re sitting on the sofa. It’s like 4:00 in the afternoon, and Tony is out somewhere. He’s getting food or something, and Loki and Thor are at home watching TV.

And they’re sitting on the sofa. Thor’s pressing the button on the remote, he’s flipping from channel to channel and not staying on anything. Out of the blue he says, “Why don’t you come back to Minnesota with me, Loki?”

And Loki says, “So I can go to State and be your little shadow again?” He’s like, “Not on your life, I got enough of that in High School.” And he grabs the remote. Suddenly he’s saying all this stuff like, “You think that belongs to you, Thor,” and, “Why don’t you let someone else pick what we watch for a change,” and all this.

Thor goes, “Fine, you pick.” And he says, “Nothing on anyway, you go ahead and pick.”

There is nothing on. Loki puts the remote down… News is on. Blah-blah, “Rare cancer, Reagan pick, Sandra Day O’Connor, Hillside Strangler-suspect,” etcetera. Loki leaves it there; there’s nothing else on. And he goes, “That came out of nowhere, I’m sorry….” To Thor, he goes, “I’m sorry, that came out of nowhere.”

Thor goes, “It’s okay.” And he picks up the remote again. It’s like he can’t leave it alone. And he fiddles with it a little. After a while he says, “That’s not what I meant.”

And Loki just sits there.

And Thor says, “When I said come back with me?” And he stops. Then, “I meant I’m ready…” And another stop. And, “I think I’m ready,” he says finally. “I want to tell the truth about me… About me and you.”

Right away Loki goes, “You’re not ready.” And it’s the truth, isn’t it? Thor’s _ready_ to tell Mr. Odinson that his precious son is _gay_? No he’s not, that’s just the truth. But it stops the conversation dead to say it out loud like that, and Thor sits there and he looks at him.

After a while he says, “Okay, maybe I’m not. Maybe it would be hard.” And he takes Loki’s hand…

Montage scene in his head, of all the times he’s ever wanted Thor to do something like this. And he didn’t even know he was wanting it some of the times, but now it’s clear to him that he did… And it hurts a little that he’s doing it now, for some reason the feeling is pain, instead of it being a good feeling.

And, “I can’t do that,” Loki says.

So Thor says, “Why?”

And he says, “I promised Tony.” (But Tony just said, “You can go with him if you want to.” He said that the other night.) And he stops… There’s this feeling of vertigo, while he tries to sort the thoughts that are whirling in his head, and then, “I can’t go,” he says, “because I love Tony. I care about him, and I can’t go, because he needs me right now, he feels like he’s really up against it…”

And Thor goes, “Because of his friend? Because he’s in the hospital?”

And this thought comes into his head: “I think it’s bigger than that.” Just this random thought, that comes out of nowhere. And he says, “Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s because he’s been sick so much lately, I don’t know.”

And Thor’s like, “You know school doesn’t start until September.” Like he’s really going to transfer to State like that, like one minute he’s going to UCLA on a full scholarship, the next minute he’s moving to Minnesota State, because _some guy_ promised he’d come out of the closet for him.

And it seems _so crazy_ when you put it that way. But it’s Thor, and he can’t say he’s not tempted.

“You have no idea how much that means,” he says, “but I can’t do it.”

And Thor’s like, “Yeah, I get it.” And he says, “But if you ever change your mind…”

And even while he’s saying it, Loki’s thinking, “Those words are going to echo for me; they’re going to echo _a lot_.” And out loud, he says, “Thanks, Thor.” And then the next day, Thor goes back to Minnesota.


	22. Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces a disease so new it doesn't even have a name yet.

“She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain  
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again  
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain  
About the fifty ways…

You just slip out the back, Jack  
Make a new plan, Stan.  
You don't need to be coy, Roy  
Just get yourself free.  
Hop on the bus, Gus  
You don't need to discuss much.  
Just drop off the key, Lee  
And get yourself free.”  
\-- Paul Simon, “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover”

This old song keeps coming into his head. Old song that was popular… Jesus, when? Five years ago? Ten? Wasn’t something he ever listened to, but you hear the radio when you go places, and he used to hear this song. This song by… Paul Simon, right?

And the last time he even thought about it would have had to be in Junior High. VS… Yeah, that was it, was that they had a box for suggestions for songs, for the Spring Formal, and VS was putting in all these joke ones. Like, he put in “More, More, More,” because it was by a porn star, and that one… How did it go? One about, “Voulez vous couchez avec moi?” Only reason VS would ever learn any French: So he could translate the dirty parts of a song. …And good old VS was like, “’Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover,’ yeah, I’ll put that one in.” Because, you know, lover equals sex, and sex is funny, right? Yeah, sure it is. And then none of them even went to the dance anyway, so what was the point? Well, Fan went, because there were going to be girls there, but none of the rest of them went, not even Thor, he said it wasn’t cool (which probably meant Sif wouldn’t go with him).

And Loki never thought about that song again after that, only now it’s coming into his head all the time. It’s like a leitmotif. He’ll be walking around, or he’ll be at work or something. Suddenly it’s there, like a rhythm, like, he’s taking money, he’s giving people their movie tickets or whatever, and in his head the beat is, “Slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan.” Or he’s behind the concessions counter maybe, and the popcorn starts going, “Pop, pop, don’t need to be coy, Roy, pop, pop, pop, just get yourself free.”

“Free.” Yeah, he’d like to be free. …And at the same time he doesn’t want to be free. There’s just so many complications.

And he loves Tony, but that isn’t enough; it hasn’t been enough in so fucking long. And you can leave someone you love. It hurts, but you can do it, especially if it’s someone like Tony, and you know you’re going to be able to be friends after it’s over. Tony’s friends with all his old lovers, and he still sleeps with them sometimes, the ones that still want to sleep with him. Wouldn’t it be like having the best of both worlds just to break up with him now? You know, just catch him at a good time, you sit him down, and you tell him, “Tony, this isn’t working. It isn’t working for me anyway, and I want out.” He won’t make a fuss. That’s one thing you can count on Tony for anyway, is he doesn’t make a fuss. Hell, he’ll probably agree with you. He’s the one who’s been saying all along that he isn’t good boyfriend material, isn’t he?

But Tony’s in trouble. He’s in a lot of trouble right now, and he doesn’t even know he’s in trouble yet… Does he? Maybe he does. …It’s like all summer long, Loki’s been watching him go downhill, then one night Steve says something that tells him what’s going on.

…No, it’s not exactly like that. What happens is, first of all Thor goes back to Minnesota, okay? He goes back, and he’s going to spend a couple weeks at home, then he’s going back to college in August, for football practice. All the last day before he leaves, he’s like, “You’re sure you won’t go with me, Loki,” and, “Your parents really miss you, and I know my folks would like to see you,” and all this. And he’s talking like it’s for a visit, but what he means is, “Come back with me to _stay_ , Loki; leave California, come back to Minnesota to stay.” And Loki’s tempted, even though he already said he wouldn’t go. And Thor will try to get him to talk about leaving, and he’ll make a joke, or he’ll change the subject.

Then Monday morning Tony gives him a credit card… Was that the first time he noticed how thin Tony’s been getting? It was creepy as hell. They were in the bedroom. Tony was over by the chest of drawers, and the light from the window was coming in, it was cutting across his face at just the wrong angle, and he looked like death warmed over. There were these shadows under his eyes… Well, those have been there for a while now; they’re from the late nights, or the drinking maybe. …Anyway, there were those shadows, and there were these hollows under his cheekbones, these hollows that were new, and they looked so deep, with the light hitting him like that. And just for a minute, he could feel his heart drop like fifteen feet. …And Tony had a credit card in his hand. And he hands it to Loki. “You know the old saying, if you love something, let it go…”

And Loki finishes the sentence. “Then if it doesn’t come back, track it down and kill it slowly?”

Victor’s version. Tony smile fades. He hasn’t liked talking about Victor since they visited him in the hospital. But he’s still holding out that card… And Loki still doesn’t take it. And Tony says, “I never wanted anyone to stay with me because they had to. If you want to go Loki, you can go, it’s okay. I’ll help you if you need it.”

He says this, and Thor’s right in the other room. And Loki knows he’s in there, and Thor needs him …in one way. And Tony needs him in another way. And it’s not good to be needed by two different people, in two ways that are so very different. It blocks you from thinking about what you need yourself, and you start making choices, and then second-guessing them before you’re even finished saying them.

And you tend to go with your first response, in a situation like that. And the first thing in Loki’s mind is, “I know what Tony needs me to say,” and he says it: “Tony, don’t be nuts. If I wanted to go, I could go any time…” _If_ I wanted to go, you understand. You use the conditional; there’s so much implication in the conditional (so many lies).

…And he pushes Tony’s card back at him… Did he notice then, how thin Tony’s hand was getting? He didn’t, did he? …He pushes it back at him, and he goes, “I don’t need that.” And he gives the smile he knows he should give. “I’ve got plenty of money saved. Remember, I have a rich boyfriend, who pays for everything I need.”

And Tony’s smile says he said the right thing. “Oh yeah, that guy,” he says. “How’s he doing, anyway?”

Loki’s like, “Oh, he’s fine. And he’s crazy in love with me.”

And Tony’s like, “Yeah, who wouldn’t be?” And, “Next time you see him,” he says, “tell him I’m jealous,” and they go into the living room together. And later on, Loki takes Thor to the airport, and he watches him board the plane, then feels like he’s pulling himself away when he leaves before it takes off. And he goes to work.

Work, by the way, is a welcome distraction this summer. At first it’s just doing the work, just focusing on it, because then he doesn’t have to think about the things that are worrying him. After a while he gets to where he could do it all in his sleep, and then it’s not so distracting, and then it’s about the other people who work there. All Freddie’s friends. Manager must really like him, because it seems like the entire theatre is guys from the Theatre Department, and it’s all the same guys Freddie always hangs out with, those guys that call each other “girlfriend,” and dress up like characters from _Rocky Horror_ and stuff. The kind of guys who can really set your teeth on edge, but now he’s used to them. One thing about them anyway, is they’re all still in it for the fun. You can go out with them and just relax; none of them are worrying about if they should break up with their boyfriend, and none of them are sick…

Getting back to what Steve said: Steve and Sam have their own place now, by the way. Rent-controlled building over near Eddie’s, and they have all these old Jewish couples for neighbors… All these old men, who mutter “feygela,” when you go by, or if you’re with Sam, maybe they’ll say “schwartza,” instead. You’d think being discriminated against yourself would stop people from discriminating, but apparently not. …Anyway, it’s a nice apartment. Kind of small, kind of not really decorated. There’s a lot of piles of Sam’s textbooks, a lot of posters and stuff from Steve’s political work all over the place, but you can see where it would be nice if either of them was into decorating a little more. For a while there, Loki’s visits them over there a lot. He’ll go over because Bruce is going over, or he’ll go because Tony’s out of town. 

Then after a while it starts getting depressing. There’s only so much you can hear about politics in general, and after a while it starts to get really boring. And it used to be that’s where Sam would come in, because he isn’t into politics, and he would get Steve talking about something more fun, more, you know, general-interest. Now Steve will get started about the gay cancer. He’ll be like, “How many people had to die of legionnaire’s disease before the government did something? How many people died of swine flu?” And he’ll say how it’s obvious gay cancer is related to this other thing, this pneumonia, and it looks like it’s a new sexually transmitted disease that affects gay people. He’ll be like, “Where’s the money for research? Reagan keeps cutting the budget, and here are all these Americans, dying.” 

Sam meanwhile… He’ll join in, and he’ll be like, “Pneumonia and cancer aren’t related, it doesn’t make sense that there would be a connection…” 

But there is a connection, and they all know it. And Sam knows it, even though he’ll talk about how it doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t fit anything he’s learning in school. And Loki’ll sit there, he’ll be thinking about the connection. And it gets really depressing, thinking about all these people dying, of this thing nobody even has a name for yet. And Victor is dying of it…

Because Victor is dying. And around the end of July, he goes back in the hospital. How he remembers when: It’s _after_ the weekend when Tony and Loki were supposed to go up to Mammoth (only at the last minute, they didn’t, because Tony’s doctor wanted him for some tests), and _before_ the week when Tony just had to go to the Reagan ranch with his parents and Pepper, even though he was too sick to go on vacation. And they go back to Cedars-Sinai and they visit Victor there. He looks really bad, by the way, really worse than he looked last time, and he didn’t look good then. And it’s not just the cancer he’s in there for any more, either, there are other things as well now. Being Victor, he won’t talk about the “other things”, of course. God forbid Victor Von Doom should have _symptoms_ , like normal people, but he’s got an oxygen mask, and there are all these tubes coming out of his arm. And he’s really skinny.

And the whole time they’re visiting, he just lies there, he just acts like everything is normal. “Don’t notice the oxygen, don’t notice that I have all these IVs. I’m just going to get up any minute now, I’m going to go back and put the fear of god into Kris at Latveria, because the place is probably going to hell in a handcart while I’m gone, because I am Victor Von Doom, and nobody can run anything right except me,” and he’s all grumpy and stuff. Last thing before they go, is when he finally admits it… He as good as admits it, he brings out this card he got. Somebody sent him this card, this funeral announcement, and he shows it to Loki and Tony. “Reed Richards,” it says, and some dates, like the dates he was alive. He died sometime in July.

And, “Gay cancer,” Victor says. “The letter said so,” and, “I knew that bastard gave it to me.” And he smiles, this weird, creepy smile (and his thin face looks just like a skull). “I outlived him, anyway,” he says.

…So yeah, Victor is dying of gay cancer (that’s also related to gay pneumonia …somehow). Sometimes Loki will tell himself that’s what’s so depressing about hanging out with Steve and Sam, is that it makes him think about Victor, but it’s not that. Victor never really was his friend, he was Tony’s, and Loki just hung out with him. And it’s not about any of the other gay guys he’s heard about who are getting sick, or some of them dying. There are others, and it’s sad (and kind of scary), but it’s not about that. What it is, is he’s started to think maybe this is what Tony has. This thing that they used to not have a name for, and then the doctors said it was candidiasis, which can supposedly be cured with antibiotics, only Tony’s had like a dozen antibiotics, and they haven’t done anything, it just keeps coming back. What if this is another way you can die of gay cancer?

You know, when you think about someone you love dying… Everyone thinks like that sometimes, don’t they? Like you’ll think, “Oh, _Romeo and Juliet_ , and it’s so romantic, etcetera etcetera…” Or “La Boheme…” Freddie likes that a lot, and he’ll be all like, “Oh, Mimi’s death is so romantic, it’s so tragic,” and blah, and blah, all this stuff like that. It’s not like that when you think about it, and it’s real, you know. What it’s like, is it’s a heavy weight in your stomach, like you ate too much, or like you’re about to throw up.

That’s why he really doesn’t go around Steve and Sam any more, is because he can’t take feeling like that anymore. It’s better just not to think about it, it’s better to hang out with Freddie and his theatre friends, go out dancing, or maybe watch _Rocky Horror_ over and over with them. And so that’s what he does with the rest of his summer, is he’ll go to work, and then he’ll go out to discos at night, or he’ll go watch _Rocky Horror_ with Freddie and his friends. And meanwhile Tony keeps going to the doctor. And he keeps trying this antibiotic, and that antibiotic, and they keep not doing anything.

And it’s why… Thing that’s going to sound really, really horrible: There are times when he thinks about leaving Tony. Just getting up, walking out the door… Just, you know, sitting him down, saying, “Tony, this isn’t working for me anymore.” He could still do it, but he won’t be able to for much longer…

Let’s face it, he can’t really do it now. You want to talk about assholes? What would you call the guy that dumped someone who was dying of gay cancer (that’s not cancer)? What would you call the guy who, when his boyfriend wraps his (thin, feverish) arms tight around you at night, when he holds you close like that, so he can feel safe, so the fear of actually being the one who might be dying himself could go away for a little while… What do you call the guy that is being held like that, and all he feels himself, is trapped? Because that’s how he feels right now, is trapped.

And meanwhile, his life goes along with a leitmotif any more. This nice leitmotif, courtesy of Paul Simon (or whoever it was that did that song), “Just hop on the bus, Gus, you don’t need to discuss much. Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free.”


	23. Don't Fear the Reaper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony introduces a subject with his parents.

“All our times have come  
Here, but now they're gone.  
Seasons don't fear the reaper  
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain.  
(We can be like they are)  
Come on baby.  
(Don't fear the reaper)”  
\-- Blue Oyster Cult, “Don‘t Fear the Reaper”

By this time, spending time together isn’t even a catch-as-catch-can proposition; it’s more like, catch-as-don’t-catch. And Labor Day’s no different: Loki’s got to work, Tony’s got dinner with his folks. And they pass each other in the hall, and they don’t look at each other. And Tony’s up and down … _how_ many times Sunday night? And it takes… _how_ much of his energy to get ready before he has dinner with them? Really, after a certain point, why say anything? It’s pointless, isn’t it?

And Loki goes to work… Test question: If a man works the day before, and that day, and the day after as well, in what sense can he be said to have had a “Labor Day”? Your thoughtful answer of at least 500 words will be graded on a sliding scale. …And of course it’s very hot, because when is it ever not hot in California? And he goes in, and of course Freddie’s got plans. There’s a disco everyone’s going to, or maybe it’s… Hell, maybe they’re all going to Latveria that night, now wouldn’t that be a kick in the teeth though? …Anyway, his friends have plans, and Freddie’s like, “Oh Loki, of course you’re coming, right?”

And maybe he goes… Yeah, he probably goes. Something about summer, when it goes on and on and lasts forever, like it does here, somehow it all starts to blur together. It’s like you stop remembering, or maybe it stops mattering. All those questions about, “What did I do? When did I do it? Where was I last night?” All that stuff stops mattering, or maybe it can all be summarized in the one statement that’s on everyone’s bumper sticker out here: Just one more shitty day in Paradise.

Yeah, that’s his Labor Day. And then Loki comes home… Late. And Tony’s there, waiting up for him, and it turns out he just changed everything. Here’s how that one goes down:

Tony, on the sofa… He’s in Thor’s spot on the sofa; doesn’t matter how long it’s been since he was here, that’s always going to be Thor’s spot. …And Tony’s sitting there, and he’s got a glass with some Scotch in it, bottle on the coffee table. And, “Loki…” Tony, who doesn’t sound drunk, not exactly, and he looks tired (and thin like he always does). And, “I told ‘em, Loki,” he says. He’s not drinking the Scotch, just kind of holding it, looking down into it, then up at Loki, and then down again. “My parents,” he says. “I told ‘em …you know.” And a deep look into the glass, like that Scotch is going to tell him something.

And Loki sits down. It feels like he has to. “About you and Pepper?” he says, because what are you going to say? How do you wrap your mind around it, when the impossible suddenly happens?

“About us.” That’s Tony, who’s looking down into the Scotch, and he has one hand wrapped around the glass, and the other creeps over, like it wants to touch Loki’s hand. Then it doesn’t. “And yeah… About Pepper. Mr. Leisure-Suit has a job waiting in Colorado. Colorado Springs, or one of those nothing-towns where all the fundamentalists are. Apparently fundamentalists need lots of Security. Who knew? ...He wants Pep to go with him, wants to marry her.” He looks up, looks over at Loki. “And I told ‘em about us… I mean, you know, not about you specifically. I told them about me, why I’m not going to marry Pepper.”

And the confusion just continues. How do you think about stuff, when everything turns around? What do you even say?

“I made a good job of it,” Tony says. This time his hand does touch Loki’s hand, then they’re holding hands (and Tony’s hand is hot, just like it always is any more). And Tony starts sounding a little bit pleased. “We got over there, and they’d sandbagged us. They had all these big-name Republicans there, all these… You know, these _donors_ and stuff, these movers-and-shakers. Half of Orange County was there, like the richest half, and this one little weaselly Reagan cabinet-guy they’d managed to catch. Little skinny guy with Mr. Magoo glasses… Named Watt or something…” And he laughs. “I called him Reddy Kilowatt. I was maybe a little drunk at that point.”

And they’re sitting really close. Tony’s arm goes around him, and Loki leans close just like always. And his smells are just the same as always, same after shave, same little smell from whatever he’s been drinking. And the way he’s all hot all the time now feels so familiar… It shouldn’t, but it does. …And it’s all just so familiar… So much has changed, but the way they feel together, that doesn’t ever seem to change. And their heads are close, Tony’s brown hair brushing against Loki’s cheek.

Tony’s like, “I wanted to tell ‘em in private, you know. Least I could do, be a good son or whatever. Should have known it’d be a huge dinner, with the ’82 budgets coming up and stuff, but I’m dumb like that sometimes. I don’t pay attention. And they spring this huge dinner on me…” And his voice sounds happy. “…And I just said it all, right out in front of all their guests, that I was gay, and that I’m not going to marry Pepper, and that I’ve got a man in my life, and…” Happiness dies suddenly. Tony looks down into his glass. He puts it over on the table. 

There’s a question hovering between them. And then Tony asks it. “I don’t have a man in my life any more, do I?”

And Loki lies. “Of course you do, for as long as you need me.” 

And Tony leans closer… Loki’s thinking, “I said that wrong, it came out the wrong way… Oh god, why did I have to say it like _that?_ ” …And he leans closer. “You’re a good person, Loki.” Tony’s hand (his hot hand), brushes Loki’s cheek. “I think you’re better than me,” Tony says. “You’re definitely better than I was when I was your age. But I can’t let you give up…” And he stops. “You know I don’t even know how long it’s going to be?” he says at last. “I’m dying, aren’t I? And I don’t even know how long it’s going to be…” And he stops again.

Everything inside him says he should say something, but what? “Stop…” It sounds right in his head, but then when he says it, he wishes he could call it back.

And, “Yeah, I’m laying a lot on you,” Tony says. “Heavy stuff, that’s what we used to say. I’m laying some heavy stuff on you. Sorry, Loki.”

And he’s crying by now… Loki is, not Tony. Tony’s eyes are dry, and his voice is totally even. Loki’s sitting there, he’s crying more than he can remember having cried since… Lord, when did he ever let himself cry like this? But he can’t help it.

“I’m trying not to think about Victor,” Tony says. “How he’s all alone and… You’ll visit me in the hospital, won’t you Loki? Because I know my parents won’t, and…” And he laughs (you can hear a little shakiness in his voice then, when he laughs). “Be just my luck, I probably won't go in until after Pep’s married Leisure-Suit. You’ll visit me, won’t you? You’re not leaving completely?”

And Loki’s crying, like there are tears running down his face _hard_ , and when he talks, his voice is shaky and you can only barely understand him. And, “I don’t want to leave at all,” he says, and when he says it, he knows that it’s the truth.

And Tony just holds him tight, and he pulls something… It’s a wadded up Kleenex, looks like it’s been through the wash a couple of times (or, knowing Tony’s clothes, probably the dry cleaners forgot and left it in his pocket, the last time he took it in). …And he pulls that out, does the whole, “Here, I’ll wipe your eyes, now blow,” thing. And, “Yeah, I’m really laying some heavy stuff on you tonight.” 

And they just sit there, after a while Loki stops crying. Tony’s breathing is very slow, and Loki thinks he’s asleep. Then he says, “I got it from Victor,” and he looks up. “The gay plague,” Tony says. “I got it from Victor, and I think he got it from Reed…” And a vague gesture, then he reaches out, grabs the glass of Scotch from the coffee table. He takes a drink. “We were all sleeping together there for a while,” he says. “Right after they came out from New York, I fell for Victor hard. That cold, nothing-but-business thing was just a front back then, but then Reed left… God, that guy was a flake. He was worse than me, only with him it was his work, with me it’s...” Vague shrug, and he finishes the Scotch. “I probably shouldn’t be drinking this stuff,” he says. Then he pours more. “Goes against the doctor’s orders… Whatever doctors treat the gay plague. Guess I’d better find myself a gay doctor. It’ll be one more thing on my to-do list.” 

And he drinks more Scotch, or maybe he doesn’t. And neither of them moves, they just sit there on the sofa, and after a while Loki goes to sleep. Probably Tony does too. And later on he wakes up… Tony’s in the bathroom, and Loki goes on into the bedroom. And a little later, Tony joins him, and he crashes down onto the bed. “If I’ve given this to you, Loki, so help me, I’m killing myself,” he says, and he snuggles close, adds, “Or maybe it’s too late for that now.” One hell of a way to fall asleep, with _those words_ echoing in your ears, huh?


	24. Home is Where, When You Go There, They Have to Take You In.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces Loki's parents, the Laufeysons.

“‘Home,’ he mocked gently.

‘Yes, what else but home?  
It all depends on what you mean by home.  
Of course he’s nothing to us, any more  
Than was the hound that came a stranger to us  
Out of the woods, worn out upon the trail.’

‘Home is the place where, when you have to go there,  
They have to take you in.’

‘I should have called it  
Something you somehow haven’t to deserve.’”  
\-- Robert Frost, “The Death of the Hired Man”

Standard spring scene: You sit at the window and you watch the birdies make a nest. All kids do that, right? And maybe your mom’s there, maybe she watches with you, and she’ll say, “Oh look, son, the Mommy and Daddy bird are _getting married_ , they’re gonna have _baby birds_ …” Winter turns to spring, and rain replaces snow, and there are the birds, every year, making their nests, laying their eggs, raising their baby birdies. And then the babies start to get big, they leave the nest, go out on their own. 

One time… How old was he? Jesus, how do you even remember? He was little, yeah, that much he remembers, because it’s just a vague memory, and he might not even remember it at all, except Mom used to tell him the story. …Loki was on the sofa with Mom. They were looking out the window, you know, watching the birds, etcetera, and there was this young bird on the lawn. He was under a tree, hopping and screaming around.

“He wants his parents,” that’s what Mom says she said. “He’s left the nest, but he wants them to come, only they’re not going to.”

And little, _little_ Loki goes, “Why, Mommy, why won’t Mommy and Daddy bird come?”

Mom says something like, “Because he’s left the nest,” some kind of non-answer answer like that. She always laughs when she tells about that, and she’ll say, “Oh, you didn’t like that, Loki. You wanted the Mom and Dad bird to come, and you were looking up at that tree, you were calling, ‘Mommy, Daddy, baby want you,’ only of course they weren’t going to come. That’s how life works, you leave the nest and you don’t get to go back.”

Standard springtime scene, story of how life works: You leave the nest, you don’t get to go back. Usually, that feels pretty well okay, because there were a lot of things wrong with that nest, but lately…

And no one could be less surprised than he is, that he should be having these thoughts right now. Seriously, with Tony sick, and everything else that’s been going on lately, who wouldn’t be longing for a safe place… That was never really all that safe. …Who wouldn’t be thinking about simpler times… That were never as “simple” as the adults liked to pretend they were. …Most natural thing in the world, right? He’s a young birdie, and the outside world is harder than he was expecting, so now he wants to go cry for Mommy and Daddy to let him go back in the nest.

Nice thing about being a human, is you can go back for a visit… To the home he was fine with leaving a year ago, that he’s only ever thought about a couple of times, when Mom would call, or he’d get a card from her… Or he’d send one. Good-Son Loki remembered Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, not to mention Christmas, and the Hallmark Corporation profited nicely, thank you very much. …All he’s felt for a year, when he’d think about home, was just guilt, and now all of a sudden he wants to go back there.

Okay, let’s back up. It’s Tuesday, all right? Day after Labor Day, AKA the morning _after_ Tony makes his grand announcement, a day when Loki wakes up, and Tony’s still asleep, but he’s got to get up, because he’s got work at 10:00, and it occurs to him while he’s getting ready, that he’s still got three weeks left until school starts. It also occurs to him that he’s got plenty of money in the bank right now, more than enough for a round trip ticket in and out of Minneapolis, and he’s got more than enough time, and Mom and Dad would probably like him to visit anyway. Parents do, don’t they?

It occurs to him, and he thinks, “Well, when would I call?” Decides he’ll do that after he gets off at 6:00, he’ll use the pay phone in the lobby. No conscious decision that he’s not going to talk to Tony first, but it’s there, all right. He’s remembering Tony saying, “Oh, you should visit them, Loki, remember, you’re free, I’m not going to tie you down…” He’s thinking about that, and he’s thinking, “Well, I’ll just go for a week. I’ll be back in plenty of time for school, and Tony’s got Pepper, he won’t miss me.” And it just seems… _easier_ to phone from work, and it seems easier to phone United during his lunch break, and use the nice American Express that he got so he could build his credit rating, and that he’s only ever had to use to buy lunch once in a while, because Tony pays for everything. There’s no betrayal here, he’s just, you know, visiting his parents, he’s being a good son.

And work goes like it always goes. It’s, blah-blah-blah, he’s scheduled to work the ticket window, but Freddie talks him into working concessions instead. It doesn’t matter, who cares where he works? So he smells like popcorn at the end of the shift, who cares? It’s not like he’s going out anywhere anyway. And 6:00: It’s 8:00 in Minneapolis, and Mom and Dad are probably in front of the TV watching _M.A.S.H._ … Is _M.A.S.H._ on, on Tuesday nights? Jesus, it’s been so long since he watched much TV. …Dad’s got a beer, Mom’ll have some of those cantaloupe slices she likes, because they’re low-calorie. They’ll be there in front of the TV (the boob-tube, Dad calls it), and Mom’ll pick up the phone, and he'll tell her he's coming for a visit. And he puts a five in the register after he clocks out, takes out a handful of quarters, and he goes over to the phone booth, goes inside.

And he dials, and of course Mom answers the phone. Mom _always_ answers the phone. She’s answers, and she’s like, “Oh, hello? Oh, Loki, son, how are you? It’s nice to see your voice,” etcetera etcetera. Loki goes, “Oh Mom, it’s good to talk to you, oh Mom, I’m sorry I didn’t call before,” and she goes, “Oh, never mind son, we understand, you’ve been busy.” Just the standard, generic conversation you have with your mom.

And he goes, “Mom, I thought I’d come for a visit.” 

She goes, “Oh son, that would be nice, your father and I would sure love to have you.”

Standard. Generic. Just empty phrases, but they’re important because of what they make you feel, and right then when he’s saying them, it’s like this wave of feeling goes over him. He’s wishing suddenly that he were home _right now_ , it’s like he visualizes what it would be like, just that same boring safeness, of Dad going to work, and Mom in the kitchen drinking coffee, and the kitchen, and the cat, and Scout at the door… Scout’s still alive, isn’t he? …He thinks about Mom, and how when he was really young, he would come and talk to her when something was wrong. Suddenly he wants to talk to her again, because he _definitely_ has problems right now, and he finds himself saying, “Mom, I think I’m gay…”

Well, it makes a better opening than, “Mom, my boyfriend’s dying of the gay plague,” or worse yet, “Mom, I think my boyfriend infected me with the gay plague.” You can’t just start out by saying that.

He shouldn’t have started out by saying anything though, because Mom does not react very well to the news. Not that she reacts badly, but…

What was it she said? Something to the effect of, “Oh son, lots of boys have these feelings,” or, “Well, why would you feel like that, Loki?” Something like that?

She said something like that, and he responded, “I’m sorry I said anything, Mom.”

And then she said, “Well, we just won’t talk about it,” and, “When was it you said you would be visiting?” And also, “Your father certainly will be happy to see you.”

…She may or may not also say that she’s going to make his favorite, mac-and-cheese and strawberry pie for dessert, the night he gets in… And at this point, he probably resists telling her that this might have been his favorite when he was five, but that was a long, long time ago… At that point, you understand, the conversation went back out of “dangerous territory,” and turned standard and generic again.

And Loki did go (because at that point he’d already paid for the ticket). And Minneapolis in September was cool and breezy, the way it never is in Los Angeles, and the apples were ripe, and Mom asked him if he wanted to go to his old favorite You Pick Orchard, and he said yeah, because there wasn’t much else to do anyway. And Dad was at work all day, and Thor was off at college, and so were Sif and his other friends, and he wasn’t going to hang out with the Warriors, not if he didn’t have to. And Mom made a fuss out of him for the first couple of days, and after that she sort of forgot him, and he watched a lot of TV, sitting on the sofa all day, all by himself. Also, Scout was still alive, but he was very old, and he would get up on the sofa and lie with his head in Loki’s lap, and Loki never shooed him down except when Mom came in.

And after a while it came time for him to go back to LA. And Dad took the day before off work, and he made kind of a fuss out of him, all this, “Oh, son, let’s have a _steak dinner_ ,” and, “Son, I just want to spend some _time_ with you,” and this and that. Then the next day he gets up really early, and Mom takes him to the airport, and he leaves…

And he doesn’t say _anything,_ the whole time, about any of what’s going on in his mind. He just… doesn’t. Come to think of it, there’s a reason why the baby birdie shouldn’t go back to the nest.


	25. Hungry Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A time of unemployment.

“Got a wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack  
I went out for a ride and I never went back.  
Like a river that don't know where it's flowing  
I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.

Everybody's got a hungry heart  
Everybody's got a hungry heart  
Lay down your money and you play your part  
Everybody's got a hungry heart.”  
\-- Bruce Springsteen, “Hungry Heart”

Last week before school feels like it’s never going to end. Loki gets back from Minneapolis, and it literally feels like it’s going to just keep being the middle of September, forever. It feels like school’s never going to start… He quit his job, right? Before he left to go home, he quit his job. Now he’s back, and he’s not working, but of course everyone else still is, and it feels like he’s just at home, all day, every day, like he’s just trapped in this damn apartment.

Somebody else quit their job too, by the way. As in Tony quit his… Which is reasonable. The way he’s been feeling? Hell, he was having trouble with work by the end of Spring Quarter, there’s no way he could handle it now. And he quit the same night he came out to his parents; it was, apparently, _quite the big family scene_. And now he’s not working. All the time he would have been on campus, getting things ready, he’s at home (or, you know, he’s out at doctor appointments with Pepper or whatever).

…He’s not eating, either. Tony isn’t. He’s not eating, hardly anything at all, he says he’s not hungry. And they’ll be at home together: All day every day, they’re at home, because no work for him, no work for Tony, and Loki’ll feel like he ought to _make_ him eat. And he’ll go, “Oh, it’s lunch time, let’s get a Beef Bowl, or how about some sushi, Tony? And they’ll go out, they’ll get what Tony says he’s hungry for, like some fried chicken, a burger, maybe a sandwich. Tony’ll take a couple bites, and that’ll be it. He’ll be like, “I’m not hungry,” and then Loki always feels like he has to make a fuss about it.

“Oh, eat, eat, Tony. Just a couple more bites, Tony, you need it, you’re so thin…” What are those ladies that always do that? You’ll see them on TV, they’ll be like, “Oh, eat, eat. My son, he won’t eat, here, have some more, son, here, have another helping.” Jewish mothers, right? He’s acting like a Jewish mother. And he doesn’t want to act like a Jewish mother, and he…

Truth be told, he doesn’t want to have to be always worrying about Tony. Truth be told, it seems like everyone’s worrying about Tony any more. Like the other night when Bruce came over…

He _came over_ , you understand, because they’re not going out much anymore. How weird is that, Tony Stark, not wanting to go out? Tony Stark, who used to go out, _every night_ , and he had to get drunk, and he had to be… You know, he had to have a good time… He was the one who taught Loki about Latveria, remember? Because it’s hard to remember any more, now when you’ll say, “Tony, let’s go out, let’s get some dinner,” and he’s always like, “Oh no, I’m too tired.” …And of course they never talk about Latveria, not with Victor still in the hospital… He’s not dying, but they say he’s close… Sam says that; Sam’s the one who still visits him. Loki hasn’t been back; he knows he should, but he can’t seem to make himself do it. And Tony won’t even talk about going.

…And yeah, so Bruce came over, and he brought some grass. He was all like, “Here, Tony, smoke this, it’ll give you the munchies, Tony, it’ll help you eat.” And Tony smoked some, and Bruce and Loki smoked some, and they all got high, and they did eat. They all ate; they got some pizzas delivered… Dr. Munchie’s, the pizza that’s designed for when you’re high. And Tony ate some of that, and it was all good and it was fun, just one last lazy summer night with your friends, just relaxed and stuff. But all the time, underneath, it wasn’t relaxed, you know? Because underneath, it just makes Loki nervous, the way everyone’s always worrying about Tony any more. Because… Why? …Because that’s a good question, it just does; it makes him nervous, and it makes him really, really irritable, for some reason.

Pepper’s been at the apartment a lot lately, also. She’s worried. And it’s completely reasonable. Because being sick costs money. Tony’s running up all these doctor’s bills… He goes, and the doctor says, “Well, you have this,” or, “You have that,” or, “You need this test, we need you there for a day for observation, you have to go get some more blood drawn,” or whatever. That stuff costs. It never does any good, but it still costs…

See the point is, Tony’s health insurance, that he got through his _job_? That’s what was paying those bills, and no job equals no health insurance, equals nobody to pay all those damn bills except you. 

…And Tony was like, “Well, I have money.”

Pepper was like, “Have you looked at these bills, Tony? Have you looked at what they’re charging you?”

…Loki looked, by the way. It was a lot. Like, a scary lot.

And Tony’ll be like, “Well I could always just not go, it’s not like the doctors are doing me any good anyway…” Like any of them are going to let him get away with that.

You know, with anyone else, you’d think they were joking, but with Tony, it’s hard to know for sure. You’ll go along, you’ll be thinking, “Yeah, he’s joking, he has to be joking,” but all along, deep down, there’s this creepy feeling that he might be going to do just that. It’s like, Tony Stark, without the style, and the energy, and the charm: Who is he? …Tony Stark, without the money even… Because his parents have apparently disowned him now, and of course he doesn’t have a job… Supposedly he’s going to have lots of money from a trust fund when he’s thirty, but he’s just 29 now, and his birthday’s not until next May. …Tony Stark, without money, or energy, or style… Tony Stark, not having good times any more, no fun to share with his friends: Who is he? He’s nobody, that’s who he is, and sometimes you look at Tony, and you wonder if he’s thinking about that.

…Anyway, yeah, Pepper comes over. Seems Tony signed her over the deed to the house in Bel Air. Because it was in his name, and he signed it over to her; it was supposed to be his wedding present. And she came over, she was like, “Tony, you can’t do this, I can’t let you do this,” and they had this long conversation… Mostly Pepper was doing the talking. 

…He was all, “It’s the least I can do, you’ve been so loyal, you’ve been so nice.” and she was telling him all this stuff about medical bills and rent and stuff.

She was like, “Well there’s this apartment, Tony… And isn’t your name still on the lease for the place on Wilshire? And who’s living there now? And how much of the rent are they paying?”

It’s just Bruce there right now, by the way. Because Steve moved out during the summer, and Bruce isn’t the kind of guy to find another roommate, because of the anger issues. And he’s on a waiting list to move into Student Housing, but who knows how long that’ll be? And apparently Tony’s been paying half the rent for him, ever since Steve moved out.

And apparently… Or, you know, completely obviously, unless you have your head buried in the ground like an ostrich. … _Apparently_ , people without jobs, or money coming in from their parents, can’t exactly manage two rents, on two expensive apartments, located on two pieces of very expensive real estate, right in the beating heart of Los Angeles. Which is naturally one of those things that should be obvious to anyone… Only you can kind of understand why Tony still wants to give the house to Pepper.

And all of it is really so understandable, and so clear. And here’s Pepper here day and night (it seems like), and she’s telling Tony all these things that he doesn’t want to listen to. And Steve’s over here, and Sam (who at any rate, is getting lots and lots of _premedical experience_ before he starts back to classes next week, now isn’t he?)… And Bruce is over here, and a lot of other people, and they’re all worried about Tony.

And you should be worried about Tony. Poor guy’s dying of the gay plague, isn’t he? Everybody dies with the gay plague; if it’s not the cancer, the pneumonia’ll get you, or it’ll be something else. And Tony’s dying of that, and who knows how much time he even has left, or how much worse it’s going to get before he does die?

And Loki’s worried about Tony too. He is, he really is… But there are other people in this world that need worrying about too; it’s not just Tony. And sometimes it starts feeling lonely, that everyone in the whole world is worried about him, and nobody ever thinks that maybe Loki could use to be worried about some too, by someone, a little bit, once in a while.


	26. A Part of Me I Can't Let Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces the infamous _parents_ (AKA Mommy and Daddy Dearest).

“Hold me now,  
It‘s hard for me to say I'm sorry,  
I just want you to know.  
Hold me now,  
I really want to tell you I'm sorry,  
I could never let you go.

After all that we've been through  
I will make it up to you,  
I promise to.

After all that's been said and done,  
You're just a part of me I can't let go.

After all that we've been through  
I will make it up to you,  
I promise to.”  
\-- Chicago, “Hard to Say I’m Sorry”  


October. When school starts at the end of September, it’s going to be October before you know it. October in Los Angeles, by the way? _Very_ hot. Nobody else seems surprised by this (of course), and Loki looks back, and he thinks: “Last year, was I surprised last year?” He can’t remember that he was. Maybe there was too much else to be surprised by back then, and it just didn’t register, but this year, it strikes him like a start.

…October, and it’s hot. First there are some high clouds, and he’s thinking, “Okay, now it’s going to get cooler.” Then some hot winds come up. Santa Ana winds, they’re called, and these Santa Ana winds last for days and days. They just keep on, and this is October, is you wearing the same summer clothes you’ve been wearing for half a year almost, only now as soon as you go out the door, they get plastered against you, and you’re spitting grit out of your mouth, and wiping it out of your eyes, all the way down the street.

And school’s school. It’s more classes in his major this year, but they’re all these dull, slogging kind of classes. They’re details-of-production classes: Video Production, which is, “Oh, here’s a handheld video camera, now go out and record something out of your life,” and Animation Workshop, which is, “You don’t have a story? Well you better think of one, and animate it, because it’s going to be due next Friday.” And Loki was a star student just last year, wasn’t he? Because he always had stories, and he always knew exactly how to film them. That film he did about Romeo and Juliet last year, and everyone said it was so good. And they were all talking about Short Takes… This contest every year, for student filmmakers, and everyone was saying, “Oh, Loki, you should enter that film in Short Takes next year…” Because he’d just missed the cut-off for entering it. …And everyone was all, “Oh, this is so _good_ , Loki, and you should enter it in next year’s Short Takes, because it’s really _good,_ ” but he was so sure he was going to make something better this year, he had all these ideas. Funny how this year he doesn’t have any ideas, isn’t it? That Animation project for next week is going to suck, because he doesn’t have any ideas. And as for recording a slice of life with that video camera, just what slice of his life is he supposed to be recording? What does his professor want to see? Maybe he wants the part where Tony went to the doctor about the bloody diarrhea (and the doctor couldn’t help him)? Or the part where Pepper’s over at the house _every single day_ , to the point where Loki doesn’t want to go home anymore, because she’s always there nagging everyone?

Freddie’s the Star Student of the Film School this year, and he is welcome to it. And at first, all he seems to want to say is, “Oh, I changed majors because of you, Loki, because you showed me how much you can say with a camera,” but he finally shuts up about that (after only about the fifty-millionth time he says it). Then after that, is when he gets really depressing, because all he ever wants to talk about is his Slice of Life project, which is going to be, if you will, “The Gay Plague.”

Fine, let him make his Slice of Life project about that. Maybe it’ll be really good, and everyone will love it (but Loki’s going to be sick the day he shows it in class), maybe he can enter it in Short Takes next year (but Loki will ignore that too), and he’ll win something huge (which Loki will also ignore). Hey, someone’s got to be Star Student, and it might as well be Freddie as anyone else.

Meanwhile though, Loki is Star Student in nothing. And he’s at home as little as possible, because he doesn’t want to deal with Pepper. She’s just trying to help, and she’s just trying to be nice, but it’s so stressful dealing with her. And it’s not like it makes any difference. Tony’s going to do what Tony’s going to do, and nothing she says is going to make any difference. He’ll still be like, “I’m just holding on until I turn 30. It’s a trust fund, but there’s some principal as well, and I’m going to give that to Loki, and the house is for you, Pepper you have to let me do this.” And she’ll keep on, and he’ll be like, “Well, we sold the Bugatti,” and she’ll be like, “Do you pay _any_ attention to how much goes out every month?” And they’ll go on and on like this; they can go on and on all day.

And then there’s some good news for Bruce, at least, because he gets a job at the Computer Lab on campus. It’s not enough so he can cover rent on his own, but it helps, which is good, because he’s not the kind of guy who can find a roommate easily (and who knows when Student Housing is going to get on the stick and find him a place). And now he’s over there all the time, and he’s friends with all the other monitors. And Loki goes over there because he got spoiled last year, with Tony’s word processor, and he writes all his papers over there, and after a while he knows all the monitors too. They’re a lot of nerds, not to be too blunt about it, but at least they don’t talk about “The Gay Plague” all the time, and they don’t talk about relationships either, because none of them has a relationship. They talk about, “Oh, Cheryl Ladd,” and, “Mmm, Suzanne Somers, yeah, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers,” and, “Oh, Bo Derek, and that _swimsuit_ ,” and, “I wonder how those braids would feel, all over your naked body.” And it’s all just talk for them, because of course none of them ever has a date with anyone, but it doesn’t matter, because they don’t ever care any if you don’t join in. It’s just background noise (and meanwhile, in the foreground, you’re entering in the commands and starting the word processing program, you’re typing your paper for Lit or whatever), and it’s actually kind of relaxing.

And then one day he goes home. AKA, he goes to the apartment. And Pepper’s there. As usual. But today she’s not the only one, oh no, today, Tony’s parents are there too. The infamous _parents_ , that Loki’s never even met before, are there today, apparently because they want to nag Tony (or maybe they just feel like they haven’t had enough opportunities yet, to tell that horrible Pepper how _awful_ she is, for getting married to someone besides their gay son), and Loki walks in on it.

Scene: Enter, our young protagonist. He’s one of those conflicted types Tennessee Williams used to like to write about, and he’s probably going to run away from all this drama soon, and go somewhere where he can _write_ (and then die of acute alcoholism, years and years in the future), but for now he’s here, and he’s walking in the door.

Here is the Father, very Old Testament, very Judgment-From-On-High, and he’s saying what a _terrible financial decision_ his son is making… For what, for being gay? For …dying, maybe? But no, apparently his _terrible financial decision_ is that he’s not marrying the woman, but is instead setting her free to marry someone who is not gay, and might, you know, give her a good life of her own someday. Apparently this is horrible, because Applied Physics in a military context means being not-gay, which you don’t prove by not being gay, but instead, by being married to a woman, and maybe having a whole bunch of kids by her.

Apparently also, being dumped by the gay guy who is dying, and who finally set you free to marry so you could marry someone who actually loved you, makes you a horrible woman, and also not credible about anything, so why don’t you just leave? Thus speaketh the Mother, in one of these hushed, low-voice kind of voices… Why? Because it’s not like there’s anyone else in the apartment (until Loki gets home) besides the family and Pepper, and if it’s her son she’s trying not to upset, maybe it should occur to her that getting her husband to shut the hell up might actually be more helpful?

…And enter our Hero (in a relatively good mood, after bailing on watching Freddie’s presentation in Video Production, and going to see _Mommie Dearest_ instead). He enters… There’s a real-life Mommy Dearest, bitching out Pepper in a whisper. One room away, Daddy Dearest (to coin a phrase) is going on at Tony about what a terrible son he is, and what an embarrassment, and he hopes none of his good friends in the Pentagon will find out about him.

Tony’s like, “Oh, because they’ll take your contracts away if they find out you’ve got a gay son, because of course, that has _everything to do_ with how good of weapons your company makes, doesn’t it?”

And Daddy’s like, “Sarcasm. You never used to be sarcastic,” (because Daddy doesn’t know Tony very well apparently) and right about then is when Loki walks in.

He halfway thinks about walking right back out again. Only thing that keeps him there is that Mommy sees him… Actually, that’s not it.

...She sees him, okay? Right away she’s all like, “A man? Does this have to do with…”

And Pepper’s like, all cool. “This is Loki,” she says. “He _lives_ here.”

And then Mommy goes after her some more. She’s like, “This is your fault, this wouldn’t have happened except for you, and if you hadn’t decided to _make an issue out of it,_ etcetera etcetera.”

And that’s when Loki decides he’s had enough of it all. We’re going to go Tennessee Williams here, are we? Well then it’s time for him to go all Stanley Kowalski on them. It’s time for him to clear all this family out of here, you know, be the man of the house, the King of his Castle. And he says, “You have to leave.”

Mommy looks at him like he’s insane. “ _What???_ ”

And then Pepper goes, “Loki’s right. Tony doesn’t need this, he’s sick, in case you hadn’t noticed, and besides, it’s not like you’re paying any of the rent on this place. You’ve made it amply clear that all the money has to come from him, anymore.”

And Mommy looks at her like she’s insane, and it looks like she’s getting ready to say something, but Pepper doesn’t let her. “You and Dad,” she says. “If you love Tony, you’ll leave now.”

And Mommy says, “He’s not your dad.”

Pepper goes, “Yeah, my dad still gets along just fine with Tony. He didn’t give up on him, just because he happens to be gay.”

Pepper is, if you think about it, being kind of awesome right now, only the problem is, Loki isn’t really in the mood to deal with her awesomeness, any more than he is with Mommy and Daddy. And Pepper makes them go, and Loki thinks about letting her stay, because she’d cheer up Tony… He would let her stay, if she’d stay in the bedroom with Tony. She’d want to cheer him up too though, if she stayed. She might not do it. She’d have sense enough, and she wouldn’t do it, but she’d _want_ to, and right now that’s… It just feels like even that’s too much pressure on him right now, so after Mommy and Daddy go, he asks Pepper to leave too.

Even her _thinking_ about cheering him up, on the way out the door… How she wishes she could stay for a while, and cheer both of them up. …Even that feels like too much pressure.

And new scene: Curtains open on an empty room. Enter protagonist, who crosses center-right, and goes to the kitchen, where he gets a can of Tab, then comes back in and sits on the sofa. He turns on the TV. For a long time, the only sound is a rerun of _The Brady Bunch,_ on Channel 11. Our hero _hates_ _The Brady Bunch_ , but he makes no move to change the channel.

Another character enters, stage left. This is Tony, who has so far been unseen. Tony probably didn’t shower this morning. He also probably didn’t iron the Oxford shirt he’s wearing; to be fair to him (not that Loki wants to), he’s still getting used having to wash his clothes, instead of sending them all out to the dry cleaner. Tony sits down next to Loki.

“So much sturm und drang,” he says.

“Yeah.” This is Loki (barely heard, over the sound of _The Brady Bunch_ ).

“My fault.” Tony picks up the remote, turns the volume down on the TV. “All of this is my fault.”

Loki turns the volume back up again. “You can’t be blamed for your parents,” he says.

And Tony leaves it the way it is, and he just sits there. After a while, he goes, “I just want it all to end.” And his voice isn’t loud; Loki can barely hear it. “I just want it to be over,” he says. “The pain, the way I’m feeling, all of it. And my parents don’t help…”

And Loki’s like, “At least you did something to cause it. I didn’t do anything.” And right after he says it, he wants to call it back, but of course you never can. And Tony doesn’t say anything. After a while, Loki says, “I’m sorry.”

Tony shrugs. “Why should you be? It’s true.” And there’s no noise in the room except _The Brady Bunch,_ and then after that the news comes on. Ronald Reagan is saying the country’s in a recession, and that means we have to cut taxes, and reduce funding on everything. In other words, same shit, different day. And Tony takes the remote. He changes channels until he finds an old movie, and he leaves it there. “I deserve this,” he says, “but you don’t. You never did anything.”

And… Does he? Could anybody deserve this? How can you know that, how can anybody know? Maybe after a certain point you should stop worrying about that, and just think about getting by?

Loki’s like, “Mr. Tony Stark, who’s responsible for everything.” And, “I’m hungry,” he says. “What’s that Chinese place that delivers?”

Right away, Tony’s all like, “I’m not hungry.”

Loki says, “Yeah you are.” And he gets him some soup; anyone can eat that. And it comes, and Tony eats half of it. And Loki makes him drink a Guinness, which is practically like food, because it’s all whole grains and stuff. Maybe it doesn’t feel so very hard, always having to take care of someone; maybe he can do it for as long as it takes (and maybe Tony is doing all he can to help).


	27. Wishing Upon a Star (As Dreamers Do)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introducing some reality, into the Stark world of lies.

“When you wish upon a star  
Makes no difference who you are  
Anything your heart desires  
Will come to you.

If your heart is in your dream  
No request is too extreme  
When you wish upon a star  
As dreamers do.”  
\-- Disney, “When You Wish Upon a Star”

Halloween. …Halloween, AKA Saturday, October 31st, 1981… You know he’s been with Tony more than a year now? And Loki thinks about what they did together last Halloween… What did they do? They went to Latveria, right? And everyone was in costume… They were in costume Latveria-style, in other words, a lot of shiny jockstraps, lot of headgear, people with their faces made up, and they were running through the hallways, they were all laughing… Strong smell of poppers that hung over the place, mixed with the smell of pot and old gym-towels. And Tony got him all alone. They went into one of those rooms off the main hallway… You leave the doors open; that’s the whole point with those rooms. You leave the door open, and you lie down, towel on, or maybe you take it off and it’s on the ground next to you. The whole point is to have the door open, and anyone can come in, and then you can pick and choose which ones get to stay, and which ones have to leave. …But Tony closed the door that night.

He closed it, and then he leaned back against there. He was like, “Now I have you all alone…” Oh, and the _smile_ on his face… And the way his eyes sparkled… His eyes did sparkle back then, it was like they were always sparkling… He would feel bad sometimes, because everyone does, but most of the time he’d be smiling, and his eyes would be sparkling… That special Tony Stark look, with the smile that was all Mr. Cool-Guy, Mr. I-Can-Buy-Everything, but his eyes… Oh, they were just like a little boy’s eyes. And when was the last time Loki’s seen his eyes sparkling? And when was the last time he saw him smile?

…That night, when they were alone… And it was at Latveria, and you had to know that meant something, because people don’t go to Latveria to be alone with someone… Tony didn’t go to Latveria to be alone with anyone. And Tony leaned back against the closed door of the room, and he pulled him close and kissed him… Yeah, they had sex… They had sex eventually, but it was slow that night, it was really, really slow. And first they kissed for a long time, and then Tony undressed him… His Lacoste shirt (that Tony made him get, because, “Jesus, Loki, that’s what college boys are _wearing_ ”)… And Tony pulled it off him so slowly, and so gently, and then he dropped it onto the floor (where there were various random puddles), and he was like, “Don’t worry about it, I’ll get you another one,” and then later on he did. …His ironed 501’s, and the “college boy Jockey shorts” (that Tony also got him), that he wore underneath… And they were on the ground too (and his polished Weejuns on top of them)… Tony told him what to wear that night. He said, “It is a costume, you’re dressed as a preppie…” He’s also why Loki was still wearing all of it, because “everyone else is wearing their costumes in here tonight, Loki.” …And then when they were alone in that room together, Tony took all of it off him, one piece at a time. And then they had sex…

This year, Loki doesn’t know what he’s doing for Halloween. Freddie’s boyfriend Armando is having a Dia de los Muertes party (and of course he says over and over, “Oh Loki, you _have_ to come.”), or he could hang out with Bruce, because apparently the Computer Lab guys are having a party too. Steve and Sam are doing something, probably it’s a fundraiser… Loki doesn’t even ask about that. There’s not an election this year; what is there to fundraise about? …And Pepper says she’ll come over, she can bring some candy in case there’s Trick-or-Treaters, but Loki tells her no.

And it turns out that he doesn’t do anything for Halloween. He stays home, Tony’s glad to have him there. And he tries not to think about what it was like last year. And they sit at home together and they watch TV like an old married couple, and after a while some Trick-or-Treaters come by. They don’t have any candy (of course), so Loki gives them all the coins out of the change jar.

“Money.” Tony’s lying with his head on the arm of the sofa. He was leaning against Loki, until the Trick-or-Treaters came. And he smiles, kind of weak, the way he always smiles any more. “That’s one step above getting a rock…” And he’s got the remote in his hand. He’s channel-surfing, but there’s nothing on. _Wonderful World of Disney_ , and a variety show with country singers. “I remember getting money, and I’d be so disappointed…”

And Loki comes back over. He sits down, puts his arm around Tony’s shoulders (and he feels how thin they are again, they’re so scary, scary-thin). “I didn’t mind,” he says, just to have something to say.

“Oh yeah?” Tony’s fever’s really high too. His face is against Loki’s neck, and it feels like he’s burning up. “Smart kid.” …And his hair’s gotten so dry, and it feels thinner too… Tony’s drying up from the inside, and they had so much fun together, just a year ago… “You get a dime, that buys you a candy bar, right? Forget the stupid popcorn balls and the apples.” And he changes the channel again. “Jesus, there’s nothing on.”

Loki’s like, “That’s because they know everyone’s out Trick-or-Treating…” _…Or they’re out partying._ The unspoken words are in his head, but of course he doesn’t say them. And he takes the remote out of Tony’s hand (his thin, thin hand). “I don’t care,” he says. “We’ll watch this” (which is a Disney movie, and not one of the good ones). “Anyway, candy bars cost a quarter.”

“Oh yeah?” Tony sounds like he’s half asleep. “Since when?”

Tony had better sleep, because these days he doesn’t get much sleep at night. And neither does Loki, of course, but you know, you get used to that stuff, right? You just drink more coffee in the morning… 

Loki’s like, “It’s late. Let’s go to bed.” And he gets up. “Probably no one else will come, anyway, if they do, we just won’t answer the door.”

Tony goes, “Oh really? You’d do that to little kids?” But he doesn’t argue, and he gets up too.

And then that night… Sam says he’s seen hemorrhages before, with people who have the gay plague… Sam’s getting to be quite an expert on the gay plague these days, by the way, and Loki can’t decide if that’s a good thing for a pre-med student, or a really, really disturbing one. …He says he’s seen it before, because by now he’s seen pretty much everything there is so far that can be seen, and he says that as far as hemorrhages go, Tony’s was a pretty minor one, but…

But finding Tony like that… In the hall, he was lying in the hall… And there was _so much blood_ … And then Loki couldn’t wake him up, and that’s when he started to get scared. Because he’s seen blood before. You get used to things when… You get used to a lot of things, when you’re living with someone who’s got this, and he’s seen all of it, the vomiting, and the diarrhea, and the bleeding. …But last night he couldn’t wake Tony up, and then the emergency people took so long to get there…

And then Pepper met him at the hospital, and of course she was talking and talking like she always does. Loki was tuning her out, and… And they put Tony in Intensive Care, and neither of them could go in there, because, you know, neither of them was “immediate family.” And then Tony’s parents came… Pepper was like, “Loki, that’s what I was trying to tell you, was I called them, they had to know…” Because they could go in, see, because they were “immediate family” (even though neither of them could be bothered being there for him since he came out to them). 

And his mom went in, and she got it fixed with the nurses for Pepper to go in with her, she used her rich-lady leverage or something. And they were in there… Loki was outside in the waiting room with Tony’s father. And he doesn’t want to be there, and he’s pretty sure Mr. Stark doesn’t want to be either, but of course neither of them wants to be the one that leaves.

And then Mr. Stark says something. “I told him to send me the bills,” he says (and at first Loki doesn’t think he heard him right). “I keep telling him,” Mr. Stark says. “I don’t know why he left his job. I told him not to, and we kept the spot open for him until…” His voice is funny. It’s sad, and it’s angry at the same time. He’s like a caricature of an angry father; if you saw him on TV, you wouldn’t believe in him.

“Tony can’t work.” Loki says it because it has to be said, because the only way to make sense of what’s happening is to say the reality of things out loud. …He says it because Pepper isn’t there to say it, because it’s usually her job to say what reality is about things. “Because he’s sick…” “Because he’s dying,” he thinks, but he can’t make himself say it.

“My son is dying,” Mr. Stark says. “You know that, and I know that, and I think he does too, doesn’t he? But it’s _our Foundation._ We were paying his check, it wasn’t the school. We’re the ones making the hiring and firing decisions; if he just hadn’t said anything…”

And Loki thinks, “Maybe he was tired about lying about stuff?” He should say it, because it might be good for Mr. Stark to hear the truth for once in his life, but he doesn’t want to; he doesn’t want to have to talk to him for that long.

“Tell him to send me the bills,” Mr. Stark says.

And Loki starts to say, “I will…” Then he just can’t do it. He can’t sit there with Mr. Lying-Stark and lie some more; he can’t do that to Tony. ...He can’t do that to himself. “Tony’s taking care of the bills,” he says. “He’s managing just fine without your help.” It’s a lie, but it’s not as much of a lie as taking the money would have been.


	28. Stop Making Sense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings with no words (and someone to hold them with you).

“Somebody calls you but you cannot hear  
Get closer to be far away  
Only one look and that's all that we need  
Maybe that's all that it takes  
All that it takes, all that it takes  
All that it takes, all that it takes  
I got a girlfriend that's better than that  
And she goes wherever she likes. (there she goes...)

…I got a girlfriend that's better than this  
And you don't remember at all  
As we get older and stop making sense  
You won't find her waiting long  
Stop making sense, stop making sense...stop making sense, making sense…  
I got a girlfriend that's better than that  
And nothing is better than this ( is it? )”  
\-- Talking Heads, “Girlfriend is Better”

Tony’s in Intensive Care. There’s no reason that he should wait around in the hospital to see him, but Loki does… Why? What would he do if he went home? That’s the question. Schoolwork? There’s some of it he probably should be doing, but he doesn’t. And he tells himself he can get extensions on his assignments… Visiting a sick friend is a good excuse, and it’s not like he’s turned a lot of stuff in late before; he’s got a pretty good reputation in the department (that all comes from how he was last year). And he tells himself, “I might get to see Tony right away; maybe I’ll get home in time to finish my work anyway,” and he stays. He waits around until late on Sunday, then Pepper takes him home. Then on Monday, he drives over himself real early, and he waits some more.

And they move Tony to his own room on Monday… Loki’s there in the waiting room, and they tell him. They’re like, “You’re here to visit Mr. Stark, right?” They know why he’s here. Hospital rules are one thing, but there are gay nurses on staff, gay orderlies, probably some gay doctors too. They treat him like family as much as the rules will allow them to, and they come in, they report all the news to him.

“He’s in his own room now,” they say, “and he’s resting comfortably. You can see him after lunch, Mr. Laufeyson.”

And Loki’s got class at one… An important class. It’s in his major, and he’s got a project due on Wednesday, that he’s not going to finish; he should go in, he should talk to the instructor. But he doesn’t. He waits to see Tony.

About 12:00, Sam shows up. He’s got a chrysanthemum plant. You buy those things at the supermarket; they’re $3.99, $5.00 at the most, and Loki thinks about _that_ , sitting in Tony’s room, and his family could probably buy him a whole florist’s shop. But you can’t have flowers in Intensive Care. These are going to be the first flowers Tony gets.

Sam sits down, plops the flowers down on the table in front of them (right on top of a copy of AARP magazine, which is probably going to get soaked). “Check out the devoted boyfriend,” he says. “Neither rain, nor sleet, nor doom of night, huh Loki?” 

“You should talk.” Loki’s looking at the flowers. They’re purple, just a slightly off shade from the color of the plastic wrap on the pot (and the ribbon’s a little off from that). “You’re like the Welcome Wagon of sick gay guys, anymore,” he says. And he’s still not looking at Sam; it’s like he can’t, for some reason.

Sam’s like, “Please tell me you didn’t sleep here.”

It feels like he slept here. “I’m not that devoted,” Loki says.

Sam’s got a magazine. Loki hears the pages flipping; he looks over …now. Sam’s got the AARP magazine, out from under his plant, and he’s flipping through an article about “Great Vacation Spots for Over 50’s”. “Great,” he says, “because this place…” And flip-flip, to an article about “Best Ways to Serve California Chardonnay”. “…You ever been to the cafeteria here?”

Small talk. But he continues it: “Bad?”

Flip-flip; Sam’s reading about “Tokyo Night Spots,” now. “Makes MRE’s taste good,” Sam says. “By comparison, I mean,” and he shows Loki the magazine. “Did you know old people go to Tokyo?”

Loki’s like, “I didn’t know they went to night spots.”

And Sam turns some more pages. “AARP’s anyone over 50 these days,” he says. “My dad just joined, my mom made him. Said they get discounts and stuff.”

_So_ much small talk... Loki’s like, “Do they go to night spots?”

And a shrug from Sam. “Maybe now that they’ve got discounts.” And he flips some more pages. And he looks at Loki. “Any news about when we can see Tony?”

Mean words come up, and he says them: “What do you do, just show up whenever a gay guy goes in the hospital, and wait around until you can see him?” Mean words, that Sam doesn’t deserve…

But Sam just goes, “Pretty much. And he flips around some more in the magazine. “All Steve’s friends anyway,” he says. “Which is, like, all the gay guys in LA, practically. You know how many visitors most of them get?”

Mental image of Victor’s room, the last time they visited him: Who visited him after Loki and Tony stopped going? Nobody but Sam, right?

And real low, “I’m sorry,” Loki says.

Sam’s like, “It’s cool, man.” And he goes, “You’d better be prepared. Tony’s not going to be very sociable when we go in.” Because he’s probably seen it before, because he’s visited so many other men who were dying of the gay plague.

Tony, _not_ sociable, is the opposite of what Tony should be, and something twists in Loki’s heart, just thinking about it. But he’s seen Tony being a lot of ways by now, a lot of very un-Tonyish ways.

Sam’s like, “All these guys, and no one visits them, because it’s got to be _family._ These rules are bullshit, man.” And he stops for a minute, then, “I don’t know though, maybe it’s better,” he says. “It’s got to hurt, seeing someone you love change like that. It’s different for me.”

Sam’s talking (and Loki’s not). And the waiting room’s cold, and the smells are hospital smells, and there’s a TV on, tuned to a soap opera. There are people in there, a few of them, but nobody’s watching that thing. Why is it even on, Loki wonders.

Sam’s like, “I guess you took time off school to be here. I did too. Steve and Tony used to be tight.”

“They used to be lovers.” He shouldn’t say it, but it comes out.

“Yeah,” Sam says. “Steve and every other guy in LA, from what I heard. Guy got around.”

He _got_ around. Past-tense (and pretty soon it’s going to be only past-tense for Tony, _forever_ )…

And Sam’s like, “He’s a nice guy. Steve told me how he’s paying half the rent on Bruce’s apartment.”

Nice of him to use the present-tense a little…

“Not for much longer,” Loki says. “It gets expensive.”

“Yeah, but that he’d do it. A lot of guys wouldn’t.”

And Loki doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t know what to say. And Sam doesn’t say anything either; it’s like he realizes that everything he says is going to come out depressing. And they both just sit there. Sam looks at some more magazines, and after a while Loki looks at one too. And after a while they finally get to see Tony, around 2:00 in the afternoon.

And Tony looks like… “Like nothing,” Loki thinks. …He looks like a shadow of himself, like a shrunken version of who he used to be… “You couldn’t do that with make-up,” filmmaker-part of his brain supplies. “You’d have to cast another actor… An older one.” And he looks at Tony lying there on the bed, and he can feel his brain trying to cancel out the tubes going into his arm, and the oxygen mask, trying to see the _Tony_ underneath all that. …And there barely is one any more.

And Tony smiles (“Harsh caricature of the old Tony Stark smile,” his brain tells him, and he ignores it). Underneath the oxygen mask, he smiles, and he raises the arm without as many tubes in it, in a wave. “You came to see the bad boy in the hospital,” he says.

(And Loki tells himself there aren’t tears in his eyes.)

“Yeah, and I brought flowers.” Sam’s done this a million times, and if anyone should be an expert on making friends feel better in the hospital, it should be him, but he’s not saying much. He’s almost as quiet as Loki. 

And Loki is very quiet. He doesn’t want to be. He wants this to be about Tony… It should be, right? …But there are no words in his head, there are no words at all. And finally he manages, “Are they treating you okay, Tony?”

“Morphine three times a day…” Little whisper of a voice, coming from under the oxygen mask. “Who wouldn’t be?” Tony (barely) says.

“Yeah.” Which is apparently all Sam can manage.

And Tony puts both hands up, and Loki goes over there. And he hugs Tony, and there are all these tubes that he’s got to thread his arms through, but underneath… “There’s still some Tony left underneath,” his brain says, and he ignores it some more. …Tony’s warm underneath, but not hot-hot, with the hospital taking care of his fever. (And, “He should be here all the time,” says the brain. “He would…” And Loki cuts it off before it can finish the thought: “He would last longer.”)

And, “I can’t believe you came,” Tony says. “I missed you so much.”

And Loki doesn’t say anything. And it’s not that he can’t think of anything. His brain keeps throwing thoughts at him, all these horrible thoughts: “Hold him now, because you’re not going to get much more chance. What’s your life going to be like, when Tony isn’t here anymore? He’s not going to look much different when he’s dead, is he?” (That one’s the worst one of all.) And, “Oh, Tony,” he manages finally. Through a thickened throat, and tears, and none of those bother him as much as all the thoughts he keeps holding back. “Oh, Tony…”

And Tony says, “Oh, Loki…”

And Sam just stands there. (“Poor Sam,” Loki’s brain says. “It’s not easy visiting someone who’s got someone to visit him, for a change.”) Finally he says, “You guys want me to go?”

And Tony answers in pure Tony-mode: “Of course not…” Long pause that is the opposite of how Tony-mode should be, then, “The more the merrier…” 

The visit feels very long, but it’s only five minutes, by the clock on the wall in the waiting room. And a nurse comes in, and it’s time for more morphine (and some unspecified “tests”).

And they’re outside again, and Sam goes, “If you ever want to talk…”

Loki’s like, “Thanks.” While he’s wondering, inside, what he would say.

That’s all there is, really. And after that Loki leaves. Maybe Sam leaves too, or maybe he’s got other friends of Steve’s here that he visits. And it’s still only midafternoon when he gets back to Westwood, but he forgets to go see his professor. And he goes home, and for some reason he calls Thor.

He calls the number for Thor’s fraternity (loud noises on the other end, because apparently 6:00 PM on a school night is Party Time if you’re a Sigma Nu). And a long wait while they go get him from wherever he is, and then he’s on the other end. “Hello?” Pause, then a pleased voice when he finds out it’s Loki. And, “How’ve you been? How’s your boyfriend?” etcetera, etcetera.

And Loki doesn’t say anything about what’s happening, he just enjoys hearing ~~( _The voice of someone who’s still alive_ )~~ Thor.

And Thor’s like, “I’m going home for Thanksgiving. Will I see you?”

And Loki’s like, “I don’t know.” …And the immense gulf and trying to talk to someone who’s on one side, and you’re on the other. And the things you need to say, because you don’t have words for any of them: “My boyfriend is dying,” and, “Don’t get involved with me, Thor, because I might be dying too,” and, “Hold me, Thor, I just wish you were here to hold me.”


	29. Reliving in our Eloquence, Another "Old Lang Syne"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The strange feeling of suddenly being "family" to Mr. and Mrs. Stark, after Tony comes home from the hospital.

“The beer was empty and our tongues were tired  
And running out of things to say.  
She gave a kiss to me as I got out  
And I watched her drive away.  


Just for a moment I was back at school,  
And felt that old familiar pain  
And as I turned to make my way back home  
The snow turned into rain.”  
\-- Dan Fogleberg, “Same Old Lang Syne”

And Tony comes home on Friday, and it feels like he’s been in the hospital too long. It also feels like he should still be there, they should keep him there, where he’ll be protected, and he won’t be in pain. And Loki’s not there when he comes home; partly that’s because he knows Pepper will be, partly it’s because… Partly he’s scared, he doesn’t want to see how bad Tony will be. And there’s these images in his head: How thin Tony is now, and the way he moves… Slowly, like it hurts him to move. …And the way he looked when they took him in, he was so white, and he didn’t move. And how they didn’t take off that oxygen mask until Thursday. Jjust who’s stupid idea is it that he’s ready to go home?

And he tells himself that he’s got schoolwork he needs to do (which isn’t far from the truth, because he does, he always does), and he goes to class, and afterward he takes the good old handheld video cam they gave him in Documentary, and he goes over to Plaza Park to film something “gritty”. Winos vomiting off the curb, bag ladies huddling into themselves on that round bench across from Olvera Street, that’s gritty, right? And the two pigeons that he catches doing something interesting with each other in the middle of the sidewalk, and the donkey statue covered with real (molting) donkey hide, and the two or three Mommys and their kids, waiting to get their pictures taken, in the little drizzle of November rain. It’s just images, it doesn’t hang together, but it’s reality, and the project was due a week ago, and after he’s done, he gets something to eat on Olvera Street.

Enchilada plate, and a couple of Coronas… Tony’s words: “If you’re going to drink beer, drink _beer_ , not that Corona shit.” …And you get it at a window, but there’s a little inside space where you can sit (that’s crowded, even on a day like this). And the cold, dank smell of wet adobe. Smear of somebody else’s dropped taco on the ground under the table, and windows, all around, bringing in the cold wet air, and the sounds of Mariachi music, coming from somewhere, and it starts getting darker. Loki dumps the rest of his food into the overflowing trash can, and he digs through his pockets for cash for the parking lot fee, before he picks up his car. And he goes home…

Suddenly Tony’s parents are around _all the time_. Tony’s not as bad as Loki was afraid he’d be, but he doesn’t go out much anymore of course, and it seems like his parents are always there. Like before, this part of Tony’s life didn’t exist to them, now that it does they have to meddle in it. They’ve forgiven Pepper, and when she’s not there to boss Tony, they do it instead, and suddenly Loki’s a member of the family to them, and that means they have to boss him too.

And Tony… Does he like it when they’re there? It’s hard to tell. Of course he’s used to his parents. …Loki’ll come home from school and they’ll be there, or usually his mom will be there. She always asks about him: “How’s school going, Loki? And you’re studying… What was it? And how’s that going?”

And after they’re gone, Tony’ll make comments: “Dad wants to get me a nurse,” he’ll say. “I don’t know why, it’s a tax shelter I think. Because he needs someplace to stash all the obscene profits he’s making from the new contracts.” Or, “Don’t mind Mom, she’s always like that. I know she likes you, Loki.” Good news… Presumably? …It’s good news that he’s got the energy to make the comments (presumably), but what is he saying them for? Does it mean he wants his parents to leave? Because Loki could tell them to leave if he’s afraid to, but maybe he doesn’t want them to leave?

…Anyway, November is cold. And overcast. It seems like it starts raining as soon as Halloween’s over, and after that it doesn’t stop. It’s this dark, drizzly kind of rain; sometimes it’ll rain hard, and sometimes it’s just a drizzle, but it never clears up. And Tony’s at home all day, in the dark apartment… You can turn all the lights on in there, but the dark doesn’t go away. It’s just these pools of gold right where the lights are, and all around, the encroaching darkness. And he’s alone there all day…

Funny how it seems that he’s alone. His dad’s there a lot, and his mom’s there even more. Pepper’s there all the time too, when she has time off work, or she’s in between planning stuff for her wedding. Tony’s not really alone, but that’s the feeling in Loki’s mind, and it hangs over him, while he drives in to campus, while he parks in the student lot, and walks through rainy paths, and into classrooms where the glare of fluorescents also doesn’t get rid of the darkness, and the drone of his professors doesn’t stop him from thinking about Tony.

And Loki starts hearing about some more people who have this thing, that fall. Armando’s ex-boyfriend (who’s a cabaret singer, Freddie says, and _very_ annoying), apparently got diagnosed with Kaposi’s, so now Freddie’s all worried about Armando. And a couple more of Steve’s political friends are sick. And Sam and some of his pre-med friends are doing research. They’re trying to chart the time between exposure and first symptoms, which is apparently impressing the Hell out of whatever teacher they’re doing it for (and Loki tries to ignore the implications of the research for him).

And then it’s Thanksgiving week. Pepper’s still in the house in Bel Air (and will be for as long as she wants to be, Tony keeps saying), which is where Tony went last year…

And a flashback, last year, when Loki didn’t have anyplace to go: Because Steve was having dinner with some of his political friends, but Bruce didn’t want to go, and Loki didn’t either. And hot cardboard containers, with the Swanson’s turkey-and-dressing dinners in them (“mashed potatoes” and “green beans” on the side), and the way they made the whole kitchen smell of burned cardboard. And Loki was like, “You know these things can be microwaved?” Bruce was all, “Can they? This is how I always cook them,” and he turned on the oven, and he cooked those things, and they ate them. Bruce was like, “We used to have these every year. Dad wasn’t much of a cook.” And they’d gotten this pie at Safeway, and that was dessert. 

…And now he has too many places he could go. Because Pepper wants them at her house, and Mr. and Mrs. Stark want them there. Apparently they haven’t quite forgiven Pepper enough that they want to go eat with her and her boyfriend, so they’re doing their own dinner. “It’ll be catered,” Tony says. “All of it. And chocolate turkeys from See’s at every place, and a lot of Republicans. Do _you_ want to go, Loki?” And Loki doesn’t, and Tony doesn’t either. And Tony doesn’t want to eat with Sam and Steve. “It’ll probably be vegetarian,” he says (just as if he’s been eating so much of any kind of food lately), and in the end it’s just the two of them.

Tony makes reservations at a place in Beverly Hills, at this really fancy, really expensive restaurant. And he says, “I don’t know anything about how it’ll be, I haven’t been to this place since I was a kid, but I want to do something nice for you, Loki…” Because it’s his fault, he says. Because, “I’m the reason you’re involved in all this Loki, do you think I don’t know that?” Because, “If it weren’t for me, you’d be back in Montana, or Missouri. You’d be with that guy…”

“That guy,” AKA Thor.

And Loki was like, “No, Tony, I wouldn’t be…”

Then on Thanksgiving, they both had to get dressed up. Because The Regent is fancy, and apparently on Thanksgiving it’s even fancier. And Tony looked _so thin_ , in a suit that just hung on him. And Loki’s suit was one Tony bought him last year.

And Thanksgiving dinner was Thanksgiving dinner. No fancy trimmings for the big holiday dinner, no _nouvelle cuisine_ (thus all the education, culled from the other fancy restaurants Tony’s taken him tom culminates in this: that a boy from Minneapolis should know that term, and what it means). Baby vegetables instead of the regular sized ones, along with the turkey, and they put “coulis” on the pie instead of whipped cream, and that’s the extent of the nouvelle-ness today. And Tony eats…

Loki pretends he doesn’t notice how little Tony’s eating, how he barely even touches the wine that he insists on choosing, that’s supposedly so “perfect” for the meal, and he pretends he doesn’t know Tony’s just doing this for him, and he pretends, like he always does any more, that there’s not this huge stone of guilt lying between them. No guilt for Tony having exposed him to this still-nameless disease, no guilt for him having taken him away from all the other things he could have been doing with his life since he came to LA, no guilt for the obligation that supposedly kept him from going with Thor.

And they’re sitting there… Big Thanksgiving dinner sitting in front of them, or the wreckage of one. Meat plates and salad plates all cleared, there’s just these plates with little fancy desserts at each of their places. …Just these fancy desserts, that neither of them have touched. Pumpkin tarte, with cranberry coulis, and chocolate bombe with pecan whipped cream, and they’re not eating any of it, and they’re not drinking the wine or the after-dinner café. 

And, “Loki,” Tony says, “if a man has to die…” And he’s going to say something about how “grateful” he is, and how “appreciative” he is, and it’s just going to be more of the same, that he’s already said, too many times (and there are few enough breaths left in his body already), but then he doesn’t, and he just stops. And his eyes sort of darken, and, “Loki,” he says, “I don’t want to die, Loki, what have I done with my life? I should have done so much more, but Loki, I never knew this was coming.”

And Loki’s crying… It only takes the first two words or so, and he’s crying, it just happens so easily any more. …And Tony’s crying too, tears that he’ll probably be ashamed of afterward, because they’re “weak,” but sometimes, how can you help yourself? And behind them, the waiters, and they’re going back and forth. “Would you care for more wine, Madam?” and, “Is everything to your satisfaction?” and, “Would you like to see our dessert selections?”

And Loki says, “I wouldn’t have been with Thor no matter what, Tony,” and he doesn’t know if it’s true or not, but it feels right. And he starts to say, “I wouldn’t have traded my year with you for anything,” but then he can’t get the words out.

And then Tony takes his hand (and his hand is so very hot, because the fever is back by now, of course). And he doesn’t say anything for a while, then, “Do you think anyone will remember me?” he says.

And Loki’s like, “Yes,” even though he has no idea.

And Tony’s like, “All I want is for you to survive… You’ll remember me, won’t you?”

And there are no words, there are just _no words_.

They go home after a while in a taxi (the Bugatti long gone by now, of course), and Loki thinks about Tony, while they’re driving, about how he was, and how he is now. He thinks about how Tony just seems to keep giving to everyone around him, even though he can’t enjoy much of anything himself any more, and about how maybe now that’ll be his epitaph. And it doesn’t seem like that bad of an epitaph, but on the other hand it doesn’t seem like there should have to be any epitaph, not yet, not for Tony. 29 isn’t so very old.

And all the way home, Tony’s hand is wrapped tight around his, and they get home, and they go upstairs, and all the same stuff starts up all over again. All the repetition of Tony being sick, and Loki having to watch him be sick and him never being able to do much, and the school assignments, and the way some of them get turned in, and how somehow his GPA stays high enough that he doesn’t lose his scholarship, but he can’t always say how he manages it. All the stuff of survival, he thinks, sometimes, that’s what this is, and he wonders how it’s all going to look to him, if he does survive, and he’s able to look back on it, 20 years from now.


	30. And the Future is (Un)certain...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A visit home, and the introduction (pending) of a new character.

“Well, we know where we're goin'  
But we don't know where we've been  
And we know what we're knowin'  
But we can't say what we've seen  


And we're not little children  
And we know what we want  
And the future is certain  
Give us time to work it out.”  
\-- Talking Heads, “Road to Nowhere”

And he goes back to Minneapolis, for Winter Break. This is because Tony gives him tickets… And he gives them to him like it’s a message, like this is one more way of saying, “You should have gone with Thor,” and Loki fights it. How many times do they need to have this same argument over and over again?

And he says the things about, “Don’t you get it? I’m not here because I have to be,” and Tony says the things about, “Yes you are, I saw you and Thor.” And if you love something, let it go, and blah, blah, blah, and Loki says what he always says: “After all this time, don’t you get it? I _will_ come back.”

Tony’s like, “Maybe I don’t want you to…”

You know what feels _bad_ anymore? When Tony’s so close to the end… Why pretty it up? He is close to the end. How much longer is he going to be able to keep going, and how many breaths does he have left? …And to make someone explain something, when it feels like they shouldn’t even be talking… To take what they say, and it’s wrong, and it’s fucked up, but if you leave it at face-value, isn’t that also saving their breath? And their energy?

Tony’s like, “I’m so tired of pretending, Loki. Do you know how much time, and how much energy…”

And all the time Loki’s thinking about the energy he’s using now. So much energy, that he could be using for survival. And he’s thinking about… Is it wrong that he’s also thinking about the liberation of just flying away?

…And Tony’s giving him that, or he’s trying to… But the memories would go with him, wouldn’t they?

And Tony’s like, “Maybe I don’t want you to see me like this. My last fling, and my prettiest…”

All the energy he’s using, and all the dignity… Who’s making him throw it away, by making him talk about this? That would be Loki, wouldn’t it?

And Tony says, “I’m letting Dad hire that nurse. Maybe he can get him for live-in, god knows he can afford it.”

And Loki thinks about Tony alone in the apartment with a nurse there, and he knows he’s still going to be thinking about it if he goes to Minneapolis. But that’s the thing here, is there aren’t any good answers. There aren’t any places he can go, where he won’t still be feeling guilty. And he takes the tickets, because he knows his Christmas is ruined wherever he goes, and he tells Tony, “Thanks,” gives him your standard bullshit about, “It’ll be fine, it’ll be great…”

Tony wants that bullshit, that’s why he does it. And Tony goes, “I’ll tell Dad I want a hot male nurse.” And a smile… A smile, on his face that looks more like a skull every day. …And, “Why should straight guys have all the fun?” 

Yeah, Tony wants the bullshit. And he wants Loki to leave, at least for now. And Loki leaves…

Minneapolis in December, where right away they’re socked in by the worst snow in 20 years. Minneapolis, and Thor comes home, and he starts in with his own bullshit. …He comes home and he’s all, “Oh, the _Warriors_ ,” and, “Oh, I’m so cool,” and, “Oh, my cool friends the Warriors,” but he doesn’t make Loki play along, all right? And that feels like a relief.

And Loki goes out with them a couple of times. Standard good time in, with your standard good buddies, in suburban Minneapolis: You know you can get beer at Chuck E. Cheese? This probably comes as more of a surprise, than the fact that way the football hero’s smile immediately blinds the waitress’s eye to the lousiness of his fake ID, and right away she’s making with the Budweiser…

And Loki thinks, “Corona? That stuff’s not beer, Loki.” And he thinks, “For christ’s sake, drink real beer,” and he thinks about Tony…

Standard night at Chuck E. Cheese, in suburban Minneapolis. And Fan’s got an application in to State for next Fall, Hogan says he’s thinking about maybe leaving college and joining the Army. Says, “I never liked school much,” and Thor says, “What about being killed?” Hogan says, “I don’t see any wars coming, do you?”

And VS gets off a couple of what pass for jokes in his repertoire. All these video games, and Loki’s looking at them, and Thor says, “Try Pac Man.” VS says, “Ms. Pac Man’s more appropriate.” And… Pause for the obligatory ba-dum-bing, and go on?

Loki thinks about telling him where to get off, and he thinks about Tony, and all the things he's been through, and now he's still taking this shit? Then he says, “Yeah, that’s why I’m going to play Pac Man instead. I’m going to grab his cherry.” Lame joke, but it’s no lamer than VS’s, and Thor slaps him on the back hard (because he’s had like a million beers by then).

And then one night right after the New Year, right before he splits town, goes home to Tony and pretending again, Loki goes out with Thor one more time, and this time it’s just the two of them….

Two good buddies, and they go to Applebee’s, because Thor says, “Let’s go to Applebee’s.” Dark restaurant, with all these nooks to it. All these tables, and all of them feel private. You can be anywhere in that restaurant, and it feels like you’re all by yourselves.

…If you can ignore all the waitresses wanting to bring you stuff, it feels that way; Thor, apparently, can. And he’s looking at Loki…

“I remember what we talked about this summer,” he says. “About, you know, being…” Thor, who apparently can’t say the word “gay”. And he gets it out after a while: “About being _gay_ , I mean,” he says, and right away hides behind the pina colada he conned off the waitress.

And Loki’s like, “Did you do it?”

And the predictable gloomy look. “It’s complicated,” Thor says. …Thor, who knows how to _play_ a gloomy look. That puppy-dog look on his face, and how it goes with the blue eyes and the tousled blond hair. …And the little stubble that shows along his jawline, that little glitter of golden stubble… 

And, “It’s more bullshit,” some part of Loki’s brain tells him, “just more of the same tired bullshit.” And he’s tired of shielding people, and he’s tired of all the games, but at the same time… And, “Don’t lay all your shit on someone else,” he thinks. “Just because you’re feeling stressed…”

“Yeah,” he says. “It’s complicated.”

And Thor pushes him. “That’s I haven’t seen you since then? Because it’s complicated?”

Loki’s like, “It’s because of my boyfriend,” and it comes out, even though he didn’t think it was going to come out, and… You know, it’s a relief to finally talk about it with someone, but that’s not even why it comes out with Thor; it’s not why he ends up spilling his guts in a dark Applebee’s, in suburban Minneapolis. …With the snow falling outside. It comes out because…

Because Thor doesn’t have a _clue_ is why it comes out, because he doesn’t have a freaking _clue_. Because Thor says, “You said he was sick. Was it cancer, like you thought?”

And Loki tells him. Gay cancer, and gay pneumonia, and all these other diseases… All these diseases, that are rare, and they’re not supposed to kill anybody, and all these people that are dying. And he’s like, “It could have been anything, and Sam knows a guy who’s dying of a bird disease. Like, literally, Thor, only birds are supposed to catch it, and he’s dying of it right now.” Just all this information, all these facts. And who’s Sam? Thor’s got no idea. He’s got no idea about any of it, and you can see it on his face.

And his eyes keep getting wider and wider, and his mouth’s, like, hanging open. And you can see where he wants to say something, but what is there to say? And he’s struggling, you can see him struggling. “My god,” he says. “You’ve been living with that?”

And Loki’s like, “I’m not the only one.” And he says what he always says, “There’s lots of people living with it, and at least I’ve got help.”

And Thor’s like, “ _You’ve_ been living with it, though?”

And he has, oh god, he has, and it seems like it’s been forever, now. And he goes, “Yeah…” Tears starting in his eyes, and he’s like, “Yeah.”

Thor’s like, “I’m sorry.”

And there’s the Kodak moment: Loki drops his guard, his best friend, platonic (mostly) comforts him, and he emerges renewed. There’s what you came for, folks: Our hero’s been to the desert, 40 years of suffering… It is 40, right? …And on the other side, just glimpsed, the Promised Land.

What really is on the other side? Because Loki’s been infected with this so-nameless thing (that nobody wants to name), and so’s Thor…

Presumably, so’s Thor? Smart money says he has, by the assumption that this thing is sexually transmitted, and Loki had been with Tony, and for months, by the time he slept with Thor last summer. …And Thor’s been experimenting; he tells Loki he’s been experimenting, lays it on the line to him about the gay bars, and the times he’s gone home with people.

And Loki wonders if he should tell him… If, when it’s still nothing but presumption, and he might be scaring him for no reason, whether it’s right to tell him. …He tells him, though; there’s been enough bullshit already.

And Thor says, “Maybe it’s not sexually transmitted.”

Loki’s like, “Yeah, but do you want to take that chance?”

And Thor says, “Looks like we already have,” which is true, oh god, it’s so true.

And Loki goes home… “I’m sharing it now, anyway,” he thinks, "for what that's worth."


	31. A World Where I Could be so Dependable, Cynical, Intellectual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces someone new, into the small world of the little apartment.

“When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful  
A miracle, oh, it was beautiful, magical.  
And all the birds in the trees, they'd be singing so happily  
Oh, joyfully, oh, playfully watching me.  
But then they sent me away, to teach me how to be sensible  
Logical, oh, responsible, practical.

And then they showed me a world, where I could be so dependable  
Oh, clinical, oh, intellectual, cynical.

There are times when all the world's asleep  
The questions run too deep  
For such a simple man  
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned?  
I know it sounds absurd  
Please tell me who I am.”  
\-- Supertramp, “The Logical Song”

And the Starks go ahead with their promise, and they hire a nurse. He’s already there when Loki gets back, this British guy named Jarvis, probably gay, but he doesn’t talk about it much. Jarvis doesn’t live in, there really isn’t room, but he’s there _all_ the time, from morning to night, and sometimes it feels like he might as well be living in.

And Loki comes back; Tony’s new thing is, “I want you to get student housing.” He’s all for this, says, “You’re going to need to…” He’s going to need to when… Well, _you_ know when he’s going to need to.

And he’s _going to_ need to when… you know, but Tony’s all for him doing it _now_ , right now, as soon as possible. And he’s like, “I still have some connections on campus, I’ll get ‘em to fast-track your application...” He _says_ he fast-tracked Bruce’s, which is why Bruce has an apartment on campus this quarter, in fact his first idea is that Loki will go there, he’ll live with Bruce. Then like a day later he goes, “No, you don’t want to do that. Bruce has a temper on him like you wouldn’t believe.”

And meanwhile Loki hasn’t gone over; he hasn’t applied. He knows he should, but… And he’ll tell himself it’s because he’s got to work hard this quarter, and he does have to work hard. It’s his scholarship at stake, he wants to keep that… He’s got to, because you know… _You_ know how he’s been getting his bills paid so far. And he already let his grades slide one quarter, he can’t afford to keep doing that, and every day he goes in, and he works just as hard as he possibly can. The magic’s gone out of it all, that was the reason why he wanted to go into filmmaking in the first place, but he tries hard anyway. Every day. And he tells himself that’s why he doesn’t apply for student housing, but he knows better.

And Tony definitely knows better, but he also doesn’t make much of a deal about it. He’ll bring it up once in a while, as in, he’s having a good day, maybe Jarvis got him to get up and get dressed, maybe he got him to take his pills, so whatever scary symptoms he’s having right now are a little less scary. And, “Did you do the application yet?” he’ll say. Loki will reply, “I was too busy,” and Tony will give him a look. “Don’t bullshit a bullshitter,” he’ll say, and he’ll swear he’s going to _make_ him do it, maybe he’ll go down there and _get_ the application, maybe he’ll walk him in there, and wouldn’t that be embarrassing? Then the next day probably he’ll be sick again and he’ll forget to say anything, and it gets put off some more.

Meanwhile, Bruce is on campus this quarter. He’s around more, and Loki sees him more… And Tony is just great with that of course, for obvious reasons. He’ll be like, “Oh, you saw _Bruce_? Oh, how’s _Bruce_ doing? Oh, here’s a twenty, why don’t you do _Bruce_ a favor, take him out for lunch? You know he probably forgot to buy groceries.” Tony’s doing everything he can to push Loki toward Bruce, because you know, and he’s doing everything he can just to push him away in general.

And to tell the truth, sometimes Loki’s just fine with being pushed away. Because Jarvis is doing a way better job of nursing Tony than he could ever do anyway, and because Tony isn’t really nice about it, and there’ll be all these fights… These stupid, petty fights, like, “Here’s your pills,” Jarvis goes, and, “Cram a sock in it, Mary Poppins,” Tony will say and, “Terminal is terminal, shove the goddamn pills up your ass.” And then Jarvis goes, “I could give you an injection instead,” which he probably could, and it keeps going round and round, all the trivial minutiae of survival, and Tony keeps swearing he’s going to hold on long enough to get his inheritance this spring, but of course he knows it’s a crapshoot, and nobody can predict what’s going to happen. And in the meantime he fights Jarvis on everything, and it feels pretty good to get away from that, even if all he has to look forward to on campus is a Sociology lecture or maybe lunch with Bruce.

Jarvis is an okay guy, by the way, in case you're wondering. He’s nice, and he’s good with Tony, he’s just… It’s not because of what he does with Tony… That Loki used to have to do, and he was always terrible at it. He’d do those things, because he was wanting to help, and they were usually awful things, but what was worst was he wasn’t good at them, and he was always scared he was hurting Tony. And now with Jarvis here he never has to do that stuff practically, and that’s good, but he still doesn’t like having him around. And he tries to pretend that’s just him being selfish, but he knows it’s not that. Jarvis should be here, of course he should be here… There ought to be Jarvises for every guy that’s got this disease in the entire country, or in the world, if there are people in other countries who are getting it. …But it feels like there’s a new level of real with him being here. Like, you know it can’t be like it used to be, in your mind you know that. But this is _less_ like how it used to be, it’s just one more step. And signing up for student housing is a step, and hanging out with Bruce again is one. It’s just too many, and too much reality coming at him, but you can’t stop that stuff, you know?

…Anyway, yeah. Jarvis is a fine guy. He’s a nurse, but he’s also halfway like a friend. He’s Tony’s friend, which is really impressive as hell considering the way they fight all the time, and he could be Loki’s friend too. He could be, except…

Also Sam keeps coming by. And that started because Jarvis wanted to know more about this disease, and Loki was like, “Well Sam’s pre-med, he’s been doing research.” Now Sam’s over all the time, to the point where Tony will make comments about it. He’ll be like, “Oh Mary Poppins, you’ve got a boyfriend, oh, Steve better watch out.” Only of course the reason is because they’re both medical people. And Loki will come in, and Sam will be there. Sometimes he’ll be in the living room with Tony, but most of the time he’s in the kitchen and he’s talking to Jarvis. These creepy, creepy conversations that he knows are creepy because he might be infected too, only… you know, if Sam weren’t over there talking about it all the time?

And Loki will go in and talk to Tony. He'll be like, “How was your day?”

And Tony goes, “Oh the usual, slave-driver Mary Poppins made me do this, this, and this.” Then after that maybe he’ll remember, and he’ll nag him about student housing again, or maybe he’ll be like, “How’s _Bruce_ , and did you see _Bruce_ ,” or maybe he’ll ask him about his classes.

And Loki will talk about that, and they’ll have one of those shallow, trivial conversations, the kind that lets them both pretend things are still like they’re supposed to be. It’s a weak pretense that they both see through the whole time, but you know, you’ve got to have something.

And then Tony does pull some of those strings he talks about. Thank god he doesn’t make the housing thing work out right away, maybe he’s forgotten about that one, but what he does instead?

$1,000 grant from the Maria Stark Foundation to make a student film. And Tony’s like, “I played the dying card.” And a shifty look in his eyes, he doesn’t like talking about that stuff, not with Loki (and to tell the truth, Loki is just as glad), and, “I gave it everything I had, because dammit Loki…” And the finish to the sentence, unspoken: “Loki, you have to start thinking about your future.”


	32. Running for the Door...  (But You Can Never Leave)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our hero relocates.

“Last thing I remember I was running for the door  
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before.  
‘Relax,’ said the night man, ‘We are programmed to receive  
You can check out any time you like but you can never leave.’"  
\-- The Eagles, “Hotel California”

The dementia starts in February. This is a new symptom, and it feels like it’s scarier than all the other ones put together. And it doesn’t help that Sam says, “It’s common with this thing, I’ve seen it before.” This is _Tony_ , and Tony is smart, he’s clever. That used to be how he pulled you in, was him being so clever, and then when you were maddest at him, you’d wonder, how someone so smart, could be so dumb about himself. Now he’s repeating himself ( _Tony’s_ repeating himself), and sometimes he doesn’t even know you. Sometimes he can’t do even the simplest things by himself, and he’ll get mad… And the thing is, sometimes he’ll be just like he used to be. He’ll go back and forth, and Loki will come home, he’ll walk in the door, and he won’t know which Tony he’s going to find there.

And Sam’s like, “Well the neurological symptoms are well documented…” This is him talking to Jarvis, you understand, because of course he’s much more sympathetic when he talks to Loki (or Tony).

Jarvis was like, “Well I’ve worked with stroke patients, is it like that?”

And Sam goes, “From what I’ve seen, it’s more like people who have Alzheimers.”

And Tony… Aww, Jesus, Tony. “I wish this thing would just kill me already...” This is him, one day when his mind is clear. 

That day Loki comes home. Tony’s on the sofa where he usually is when he’s not in bed. He’s got a blanket, because he’s always got a blanket, because he’s always cold. And Loki goes over, he kisses him like he always does (even though Tony doesn’t always know it any more). And Tony’s like, “Sit down…” He grabs Loki’s wrist, his hand so thin, and his fingers tighter than you’d think he could make them anymore, and he’s like, “Sit down, can’t we talk for a minute?” And Loki sat down.

Tony’s like, “This thing doesn’t kill you fast enough.” They were on the sofa together, because he’d sat up to make space for Loki. His thin body, taking up what little space it does take up any more. His arm around Loki… His arm, wasted where it used to be so muscly, and pale, where he used to keep it so tan. …And Loki’s arm was around him, and he’s so much larger than Tony any more; it’s like he’s sitting with a child. And Tony’s head resting against his shoulder, that feels like it’s the only thing that’s still how it used to be. Tony’s like, “This thing is supposed to be such a killer. I wish it would just get it over with.”

And Loki strokes his hair. And he doesn’t let him think about how it’s dirty now, and Tony used to keep it so clean. He doesn’t think about how it’s too long, no more tight, professional cut, or about how Tony’s giving up, how he doesn’t even care about living until his 30th birthday any more (and he definitely doesn’t let himself think that maybe in Tony’s mind he is 30 already). He just …tries to be in the moment… That’s what they say to do, isn’t it? When you’re living with someone who’s dying, you take each moment as it comes, and you’re not supposed to ask any questions. But even when you can do it… Which isn’t all the time. There are times when Loki gets mad, and he’ll say things to Tony that he doesn’t like to think about afterward, or he’ll use Jarvis just as badly as Tony does. …He _tries_ , though, and he sits there, and he strokes Tony’s thinning hair, back away from his thin face.

And Tony says, “There should be ways to help somebody commit suicide. Because I’d probably forget halfway through…” And suddenly he’s crying, these hurty-sounding sobs, that make his whole body shake. And, “I never thought I’d die Loki,” he says. “Not now, not like this.”

And… What do you say to that? How can you answer? And Loki just holds him. They just sit there, and after a while Tony goes to sleep.

And afterward, Jarvis says depression is a common symptom of dementia. He’s like, “Try not to take it too seriously, you know he doesn’t understand half of what he’s saying any more,” and he tells Loki he should move out. He’s told him this before, but he tells him again. “Your friend Bruce’s roommate moved out, didn’t he?” he says. “You could stay with him.”

And the echo of Tony in his mind: “Don’t live with Bruce, he has a temper on him like you wouldn’t believe.” Echo of Tony: “Finish that housing application, Loki. Do I have to do it for you? Do I have to walk you in there and _make_ you turn that thing in?” He never did turn it in, did he? It’s lost somewhere, and he never even finished filling it out. And that wouldn’t have to matter. There’s lots of ads in _The Daily Bruin_ : Lots of rooms for rent, and the prices aren’t that bad. But something does matter, something still gets in the way when he thinks of going.

The thing is, you never know how much Tony _does_ know any more. Because he’s himself a lot of the time, and he’ll know that Loki’s leaving, and he’ll know why. And then when he isn’t himself… And Loki will think about him waking up, about Tony waking up sometime in the middle of the night, and expecting him to be there some time when he’s not, and what that’ll do to him. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t moved out yet, is because of thinking about that.

But reality is that school keeps going on, and he can’t keep his grades up enough to keep his scholarship if he’s worrying about Tony… Scholarship? He’s not even going to stay in school if he’s not careful. How many failing grades can you have before they throw you out? Because if he’s not careful he’s going to have two, maybe three.

Early February, and a bad quiz… In his _major_ , and the teacher talks to him about it afterward. And Freddie talks to him about it… Maybe that’s what finally makes him do something.

And scene: It’s February 11th, and it’s raining here in Los Angeles, like it seems like it has been, ever since last fall. Our hero, young, his jacket inappropriately light, already wet, the soles of his loafers slippery, so that he has to walk carefully on all the slopes. He enters Kerkhoff, relieved to get out of the rain. He climbs the stairs, enters the coffeehouse. There a friend, Bruce Banner, hails him from a table near the window.

Bruce has a bowl of soup in front of him, when Loki goes over. “I should have gone back to the dorm,” he says… Loki, meanwhile, puts down his sandwich and cappuccino and sits down. “…They penalize you if you don’t eat in the cafeteria. You can only get so much anyplace else. I’m going to be hungry again in an hour.”

Loki opens his sandwich. He offers Bruce half.

“You don’t have to do that,” Bruce says, but he takes it anyway.

It doesn’t matter. These days Loki’s never hungry. Anyway, it’s the cappuccino he really wanted. LA never really gets cold, but it _feels_ cold. They don’t seem to understand how to heat their buildings out here. And he wraps his fingers around the cup. “Just eat it, Bruce. You can have the other half too if you want,” he says. “That way it won’t go to waste.”

“You should eat it.” Bruce has finished his half; he’s licking his fingers. “The sandwiches here suck, but they’re food. You’re getting really thin…”

Bruce: He says it, then you can see his face change. Then, “Man,” he says. “Wrong person for me to say _that_ to.”

And Loki just goes, “It’s cool.” Jesus, if he got upset, every time someone mentions this disease of Tony’s, or how he might… How he still doesn’t know what his own fate holds… He takes a drink of his cappuccino, gets only foam. Then he tries for another drink, but the coffee’s still too hot. “You can’t be watching what you say every single second.”

Bruce has the other piece of sandwich. He takes it apart, pulls out a floppy piece of lettuce. “How’s Tony?”

As if he doesn’t ask the exact same thing, practically every single day. And Loki drinks some more foam off his coffee. Finally he answers, “You know how he is.”

Bruce goes, “Yeah.” He eats the rest of the sandwich, really quickly, three bites or so. Then, “What say we go get some real food?” And he pushes out his chair, and he gets up. “They’re still serving lunch at the dorm,” he says. “It’s five bucks if you don’t have a meal card.”

And they go. Bruce eats another full meal, and Loki manages… Well, he eats more than he was going to eat at Kerkhoff, anyway, where Bruce had already eaten his sandwich, and he probably wasn’t going to get anything more besides the cappuccino. He has a salad, puts a lot of blue cheese dressing on there, so it’ll be filling, then he eats about half of it.

And this is the day they decide they’re going to move in together. Maybe it’s the quiz, maybe it’s Freddie, and his demeaning “talk”, how he tried to sound like they’re still friends, and he was so “concerned” and all, when everyone knows they’re just rivals any more, and how much he loves being star student of the department. Maybe it’s because of the Stark grant, because he hasn’t done anything with that yet. He only has until June, and if he doesn’t do anything…

And Tony’s voice, echoing again: Tony, whose mind was clear for a change, how he was talking about suicide, and he said, “I just wish this thing would go ahead and kill me.” He had all those dreams about hanging on, and how he was going to make it until 30, and give Pepper the house, and leave Loki all that money. And all that’s gone now, isn’t it? Tony might not even make it until March… He won’t if he’s got anything to do with it, that’s for sure. And Loki thinks about the grant, how it’s Tony’s legacy, how it’s the only legacy he’s probably going to manage. And if that runs out, and he hasn’t done anything with it…

But it’s Bruce who suggests they move in together. Because he’s got a new roommate, and he’s complaining about him. “He’s a _freshman_ ” he says… Huge tone of distaste on the word “freshman” and, “He wants to get into a fraternity, but of course none of them will take him, because he’s such an idiot, and I’ll probably be stuck with him for the rest of the year.”

And Loki was like, “I thought being an idiot was a prerequisite for fraternities…” The good feeling of being able to talk casually for a while with someone for a change, about not having it all be about Tony, and he said that.

And Bruce gave a short laugh. “That shows you just how much of an idiot he is,” he said. Then… Unexpected transition, but at the same time it was _so_ expected, wasn’t it? And by both of them. “Steve’s got a guy in his building who’s looking to sublet. I’ve done the math, I can afford it if I get a roommate.”

And Loki responds as if he doesn’t have any idea what’s coming, he _pretends_ (God alone knows why): “Are you inviting me to move in with you?”

And Bruce is like, “Well at least you’ve lived with me before.” And he pokes at his dessert… A bowlful of frozen yogurt, melted now, and it’s only half-finished. After the sandwich and soup at the coffeehouse, it’s a miracle he ate that much. And, “I understand I can be difficult,” he says. And an awkward smile. “My temper…”

Loki didn’t tell him how much easier a temper was going to be, than all the stuff he’s been dealing with, with Tony. And they went down and they signed the papers, and they moved in over the weekend.

And Tony… Oh god, there’s not an hour of the day when he’s not thinking about Tony. And he’ll go over there… He’ll go over every chance he can, but it’s different. Half the time Tony doesn’t recognize him anymore. He’ll go over, and Tony will think he’s somebody else, or he won’t be talking to anybody.

And one time he asks Sam, “How much longer do you think it will be now?”

And Sam just looks at him. “I don’t know,” he says. “I’m not an _expert_ , Loki.” And he looks at him, and there are tears in his eyes (as many as are in Loki’s own eyes), but neither of them says anything, because there just isn’t anything to say.


	33. The Cuervo Gold, the fine Columbian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The expected end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this bit reads well. You would not _believe_ how hard it was to write it. I don't like killing off my Tony, and making poor Loki, who's not even 20 yet, have to be the one who tells about it. If it's clumsy, or if it sounds like crap? I will consider any comments to that effect as concrit, in case I can ever bring myself to think about this part of the story again so I can edit it.

“Hey Nineteen…  
No we got nothin' in common,  
No we can't talk at all.  
Please take me along  
When you slide on down.

The Cuervo Gold,  
The fine Colombian,  
Make tonight a wonderful thing.

We can't dance together,  
No we can't talk at all.”  
\-- Steely Dan, “Hey Nineteen”

 

They say back when they were doing nuclear tests out in the desert in the 50’s that the scientists used to set up pretend living spaces. They’d build houses, and put furniture in them, and they’d put department store dummies in there, and pose them so it looked like they were living in them. They’d make whole neighborhoods, stores, kids on bikes, everything… Remember the episode of _Twilight Zone_ where the mannequins come to life? You go up to just the right floor and they’re all up there, with lives and personalities of their own. Maybe that’s what it was based on, was those experiments. …And the idea was that that way they could measure what got destroyed, and from how far away. And the teacher in Documentary Film talked about it, and everybody was like, “What about fallout, didn’t they know about fallout? And radiation poisoning?” And Loki had this image of them, scientists and Army guys, and they’re running Geiger counters over the bodies. …Over the stiff, plastic bodies, forever frozen in their one position, but they’re charred now, and with their surprised, department dummy-expressions half burnt off their faces.

Maybe you’ve read about Pompeii? How the explosion of the volcano was so sudden… People knew it was coming, but they didn’t know when. And they were waiting, and they didn’t get evacuated in time. ...And you go there, and you can see pictures on the stone walls, peoples’ charred outlines where they were vaporized right where they stood. Or the pictures from when we dropped napalm on Vietnam? The ones that were in the newspapers? Little kids, screaming in terror, little naked girls, trying to outrun the inevitable… Such cinematic images. Really, it’s a perfect montage, it doesn’t take a washed-up Sophomore film student to create it.

And that’s what shock looks like in real life, too. Everything’s ordinary, and then suddenly it isn’t. You’re putting a quarter into a machine to get a cup of coffee, you’re pissed at your roommate, who swore he’d have time to help you study for the Math class, you’re going to have to drop today, and you’re thinking about it, and when can you make it over to the Registrar to turn your forms in? Because you have to keep living your life, see. Because you still have a life, even after the shock comes you’re still going to have a life (presumably), and so you keep going on.

And then it comes. April 29th, one month to the day before the 30th birthday Tony didn’t make it to (as if even in death he had to make the grand gesture). And Steve’s the one that tells Loki… Steve finds him, waiting in line at the Registrar’s office, dropping that Math class. A little added drama there, for a scene that’s already too fraught. Such a pity: Our resident filmmaker’s busy registering shock right now; you could capture some good images of him, if he weren’t there behind the camera.

There were no good images when Tony was dying. After the dementia, came worse things. Symptoms that made the dementia look like nothing, like child’s play. “At least I could talk to Tony,” Loki would think, and he’d forget the times when he couldn’t answer, or he wouldn’t answer, or he’d answer, but it was obvious he didn’t know what he was saying. And Loki would look at him, a ball in the middle of his big bed, so small, and getting smaller every day. And Jarvis would say, “He’s past suffering,” and he’d try to believe him, and he wouldn’t ask why he didn’t just let his finger slip the next time he was measuring the morphine, so it would all be over.

And then the end came. …Finally. And then Loki woke up on the 30th, and there was no Tony. May 1st, same deal. And the 2nd, and the 3rd, and the 4th. No Tony, and he felt so hollow inside. How do you say good-bye to someone who’s larger than life, who grabbed your life and he took a big bite out of it… Or you gave it to him. …Who took you, and reoriented you; how do you begin to imagine a world without him in it?

But life goes on, because life does go on. Getting up, and eating, and walking around, and shitting, and going to class, and somehow getting passing grades. Telling Howard Stark you don’t need his money for tuition, and explaining to him about your scholarship (but being unable to explain how it was Tony giving it that mattered, not that he got the money that Tony didn’t live long enough to give to him). …And getting mad at Bruce because he didn’t help him with the Math class, Bruce getting mad at him, because that’s what Bruce does... (Tony: _“He has a temper you wouldn’t believe, Loki.”_ ) …And warm, Springtime sunshine, stopped by cold fog, rolling in off the ocean, and getting and spending, we lay waste our powers.

And then one day he wakes up and life’s turned back on. Something we see in nature that is ours, to coin a phrase. And he’s on the sofa with Bruce. One minute they’re eating pizza… They’ve got a bag of pot, that’s what starts it. They’re smoking some of it, and they’ve ordered a pizza. …One minute they’re just sitting there eating it, the next minute they’re on Bruce’s bed naked. 

Bruce’s bed. There aren’t any double beds in the apartment. Sign of two roommates who want celibacy, or who really, really aren’t prepared for anything but celibacy: They have two twin beds, his and Bruce’s. And they’re on Bruce’s, and Bruce never changes his sheets. Green sheets, like an avocado, 70’s-style color of green, and with crumbs all over the bottom sheet. And they’re tangled up on there, his legs, and Bruce’s legs, and a condom wrapper right where you can see it on the floor (it’s fluorescent pink-color). And a tag-end of old lyrics comes into his head, “The Cuervo Gold, the fine Columbian, make tonight a wonderful thing,” and maybe he says it out loud.

“You saying tonight’s wonderful?” Bruce says, and, “Wonderful?” Loki says back. “I wouldn’t say that.”

Bruce goes, “I’ve never had any complaints,” which is a very Tony thing for him to say, and he goes, “Maybe you’re saying we should go score some cocaine?”

Loki’s like, “Really? You’re going to drive? After all that pot?” And they end up staying in the apartment, and they find a really old bottle of wine somebody didn’t finish, back at the back of the refrigerator. Riunite: Sweet fluid that tastes like pink Seven-Up. Loki pours it into two glasses and he says, “Now we have to toast Tony.”

And Bruce is like, “Tony would have _had_ cocaine.”

“And Cuervo Gold,” Loki says, and they toast him, and they finish the Riunite.

And that’s it, that’s all that happens. After that they get up in the morning and life goes on. It is… A little easier? Maybe? No more charred shadow on the wall, mannequins fallen over from the blast and little girls screaming? Aw who are we kidding? Nothing’s ever that easy.


	34. Far Out, What a Day, a Year, a Life It Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new setting, and perhaps a new chapter for Loki.

“Dreamer, you stupid little dreamer;  
So now you put your head in your hands, oh no!  
I said "Far out, -- What a day, a year, a laugh it is!"  
You know, well you know you had it comin' to you,  
Now there's not a lot I can do.”  
\-- Supertramp, “Dreamer”

Camp Indian Piss. It’s got a real name, something that translates and supposedly means Camp Many Lakes, but the guys always called it Camp Indian Piss. And there was this story the older boys told, something about an old Indian brave, who drank too much firewater one night, and he woke up and he had to pee, but he couldn’t make it to the outhouse. They have outhouses here, by the way. Instead of flush toilets that is; this is one of your standard, roughing it/Make-a- _man_ -outa-you-son, kind of Boy Scout camps, the kind your father went to, and probably his father before him, so god forbid they’re going to let you out of going to one just like it. Also no one gets cabins; the campers sleep outside, counselors too. You want some _fun_? Try sleeping outside under the stars (that is, if there are any stars, because a lot of times it’ll be overcast, the whole time you’re there), and it’s 34 degrees out here. Whoo, fun. What you join the Boy Scouts _for_.

(Secret story of fun: Loki’s first kiss happened up here. A story about how Thor (who had his permit, but he didn’t have his license, because he wasn’t 16 yet) snuck out, and he got a six-pack in Pemberton, which is the nearest town, and he brought it back, and he shared it with Loki.

Loki was like, “You’re going to include the Warriors, right?”

And Thor was all, “Shh, don’t tell them. Three apiece means we’re already not going to get much of a buzz.” And he grinned… Even then, he was able to seem so nice, and all the time he was being totally selfish. …And he looked at Loki, and he said, “You don’t think I’m being selfish?”

And little Loki, who did, said, “Ohh no, no.”

Secret story, how they went behind one of the outhouses to drink it. They went behind the _top_ outhouse, the one up at the top of the hill, above the Mess Hall, where they would have you meet for the big hike, the next-to-last day of camp. And they went up there because no one ever checked behind the outhouses, behind any of the outhouses, because no one in their right mind wanted to go around those things, not if they didn’t have to, and that one even more so. And Thor drank four beers all by himself, but even two was way too much for Loki. And then… Thor was maybe three beers in, when he got all cuddly, and he looked into Loki’s eyes…

He was taller even then, and he looked down into Loki’s eyes, and his hands on Loki’s skinny little-boy hips, and his body really close… And Loki smelled the beer on his breath, smelled the Old Spice deodorant he was using back then (his dad’s deodorant, probably, but a lot of the guys didn’t even bring deodorant to camp, they said, “No girls there, what’s the fuckin’ _point_?”), and then Thor’s face got closer and closer, and then his mouth was on Loki’s mouth.

Thor taught him to use tongue, that night. And Loki asked him, “What girls did you learn that on?” And Thor just laughed and wouldn’t tell him. Yeah, we all have our secret histories.)

Why he’s here now? That would be because he just couldn’t handle it in LA. He thought he could… And he feels guilty about the people who are still there, because they’re stuck there. What about Bruce? You think he doesn’t miss Tony too? What about Sam, and Steve? But he had a chance at a lifeline, and he took it. He tries not to feel guilty, that’s just beating yourself up anyone would want some time away after everything that happened. Anyway, it’s not like he’s not coming back in September.

Another story, this one less secret: Howard Stark calls him in… To his office, you understand, to his big executive office, at Stark Industries headquarters in Pacific Palisades. He couldn’t be bothered even calling him since the funeral, but then out of the blue he calls him, maybe halfway through May.

“The grant,” he says, “for the student film. What progress have you made so far, Loki?”

Loki, of course, hadn’t made any progress. He didn’t want to admit that out loud, but why not? Who is Howard Stark to him now that Tony’s dead? Why should he care what he thinks of him? And he admitted it, and Howard looked at him, and he frowned.

Upshot of the whole thing, by the way, was that he wanted to give him an extension on the grant. As in, that’s why he called Loki in in the first place; he was going to give him the extension right from the start, but for some reason he felt like he had to read him the riot act first. …Upshot besides that one, is that Loki hasn’t heard word number one from Howard since then, or from Maria either. Apparently he's only useful to them when he’s making the tribute film to their wonderful son Tony, which in their minds, is what he’s going to do with the grant money. Don’t ask where they got that idea…

Actually, Loki might end up doing that just purely so he’ll have something to do with the money. You can call that a failure if you will, because it’s not his idea, but he doesn’t have any ideas of his own, and it would be a shame to let the money go to waste.

…Upshot as we were saying: Howard and Maria want a tribute film for Tony. They couldn’t be bothered caring about who he really was while he was alive, but now they want a tribute film, and if they’d really had their way, Loki would have been in Los Angeles making it this summer (but they’ll settle for in the fall). And once he promised them that he was going to make their film, then they backed off, and after that… Well let’s say that was one of the reasons he needed to get out of the city for the summer.

And the other thing was the news about Steve. Because the drumbeat of contagion didn’t stop with Tony (not that he ever thought it would). Right after Sam told him about Steve, that’s when Loki called Thor. And he was practically begging him, he was all, “Oh, do you know about a job, any job, and, your dad, is he still Director at Camp Many Lakes?” And Thor was like, “Yeah, sure,” and he said there was an opening…

Same angel that’s been watching out for him all along, the same one that’s saved his scholarship and protected him (so far) from the gay plague: There was an opening, and not just any opening. And he’s working in the kitchen here this summer, lots to keep him busy, and he doesn’t have to deal with the kids. _Someone_ is really watching out for him…

You can feel guilty about this sort of thing, but even doing that imputes too much causality to what’s happening purely by chance. Because there isn’t anyone watching out for him, there isn’t anyone there who could watch out for him. There are no angels, no devils, no God…

All of this is pure _chance_ , everything that’s happened to him since he moved to Los Angeles… Everything that happened to him before too, for that matter; all of it was guided purely by chance. …Meeting Tony was chance, and falling in love with him. Tony’s death was chance… The gay plague, that’s chance. It just happened that some virus mutated, some virus, or a bacteria, or maybe something else that causes diseases, and it mutated. It could have been anyone that got hit with it, children, or women, or people from Canada; it just happened to be gay people.

All of it is chance; there’s no reason to feel guilty about any of it. Maybe he’ll be able to make himself stop by the time he goes back to school in September. …Maybe?

At any rate, right now he’s got a roof over his head. Cook’s Assistants get a ratty little cabin up by the Mess Hall, no sleeping outdoors for them. He’s got a co-worker who calls himself Spidey, who is reasonably willing to work (albeit he doesn’t drive himself as hard as Loki does), and a boss named Oso (who is probably going to drink himself out of a job any day now). He’s got “friends” at the camp that he never sees; the Warriors are here, all three of them, fortunately counselors and cookstaff don’t have to cross paths unless they want to. And he’s got his “first love” here too, if he wanted to capitalize on that.

Thor wants him to capitalize on it. Thor says he’s come out to his parents (although since cookstaff and the Camp Director _never_ cross paths, who knows if that’s true); he says he’s not scared about the gay plague, because if Loki was going to infect him, probably he already has. Is that true? Who the hell knows? Who the hell knows which time, out of all the probably thousands of times that he was with Tony, which one was the time when he was infected, or for that matter, if he even was? Who knows anything with this disease? All Loki knows is he’s not going to be responsible for causing anyone more to get it. There are enough people getting it already, and he’s not going to be responsible for more. And so far he’s been keeping a wide berth away from Thor ever since he got here, but who knows how much longer he’s going to be able to manage?


	35. Your Mind Tricks You Into Believing Every Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Loki lets his guard down.

“Well, it's your mind,  
That tricks you in believin' every time,  
Love will turn you around,  
Turn you around.”  
\-- Kenny Rogers, “Love Will Turn You Around”

Scene from Camp Indian Piss, Thor in the kitchen… Thor, washing the supper dishes, because it’s his week, and there’s a recipe for comedy for you if you want one: The Lord of Creation, in front of a sink. The Hero of the Football Gridiron, arms up to the elbows in soap bubbles, and a stack of plates next to him, dirty in that _special_ way you only get with the too-cold summer camp water plus the grease from Oso’s spaghetti sauce.

And picture Thor in there: Did he try to get every other counselor at Indian Piss to do the job for him? Probably? But maybe that’s being unfair; he’s grown up a little since High School. And he’ll look gorgeous of course, because he always looks gorgeous, and he’ll know it, because he always knows it too. And his shoulders will look broader than they used to, in a shirt that’s not clean enough, because no one ever does laundry here, and his blond hair will be a little too-long, because no one ever has time for haircuts either. He’ll also have stubble, thicker than it ever was in High School, and catching golden in the light, a sheen along his cheeks and down his throat. And he’s doing the dishes with Fan today, and VS is putting them in the sanitizer. And Stupid-VS will be the one that suggests sneaking out after lights out, and Nice-Fan will be the one that suggests Loki come with them... And, the one who looks disappointed when he says no for the umpteenth time?

…Only Thor will hide it of course, because Lords of Creation don’t look disappointed. Because… Why? 

Better question, why does it always _hit_ Loki when he does that, in some deep, dark part of his heart, that he thought would have been dead, so soon after Tony? And it’s that Thor feels disappointment, but more than that, it’s him hiding it, and how he’s so bad at it. Why does that hit him so hard, every single time? 

And Thor keeps showing up at his cabin. After lights out, he’ll come by, and he’ll bring beer, or he’ll bring pot… That special, really _bad_ pot, that they sell down the hill, and it’s really cheap, and you know it’s too cheap to be any good, but it still surprises you every single time you light up and you get a _smell_ of it. …And Thor brings that, and of course Spidey lets him in every single time. 18 years old, and his first job away from home, Spidey wants to taste life, he wants to grab a handful of whatever life is offering, and take a big _bite_.

Spidey doesn’t have a clue what life can do to you yet, but Thor does, and yet he keeps showing up night after night. Thor knows Loki’s contagious (probably), and yet he’ll show up. He knows it’s too soon… He _knows_ Loki still thinks about Tony, all the time, and he knows how angry it makes him to have him come in there, pretending they can just pick up from where they left off a year ago. Why does he keep doing it? Why doesn’t he just stay away, long enough to let him finish grieving?

But every night, Lord-of-Creation-Thor still shows up at his door… Every night that he hasn’t gone into town after curfew, or Loki hasn’t, and he’ll come. Loki will be stretched out there on his cot. He’ll be trying to read, trying to ignore the New Wave Top-40 shit that Spidey always blasts because, poor kid, he still thinks it’s cool. And knock-knock-knock comes the sound at the door, and there’s Thor just like every night, same stimulants in his hand like they’re a peace offering, and the same hangdog, “I, Football Hero-Thor am _above_ the desperation I’m feeling right now,” look on his face.

…And every night that look on his face makes Loki feel things, and every night that just makes him angry at Thor.

“Can I come in?” Thor will say (because Lords of Creation can be humble too, right?).

And Spidey always says, “Sure.”

And Spidey always looks disappointed, when Loki says he can’t, when he sends Thor away. And Thor always looks disappointed too… Is it too much to ask that there be a Statute of Limitations for these things. Can’t people wait a few months before they go piling all their disappointments on you?

And Thor will go away. And it’s like that, day after day, and week after week, and the summer goes by. And then one night it changes.

Why does it change? God, what a question to ask, and to have to ask it… God, why did get drunk, because it wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t been drunk? Because it wasn’t him “observing a period of mourning;” it wasn’t him trying to protect Thor from the gay plague either. If Thor’s going to get it, he probably got it last summer anyway, and besides, who doesn’t understand about wearing condoms nowadays?

But one night, in the middle of July… One night when he’s scrubbed too many dirty pots, when supper was Chicken _Something_ , made from the cheap chicken parts that Oso gets, that look just like Guernica when they’re defrosting, and Sheriff left early, so they were stuck doing all his work too (and by “they,” one should always assume _Loki_ , in this context), and Spidey just looks too disappointed, when Loki tells Thor he won’t sneak out after curfew, and they go…

And they go down the hill. In the camp truck… We’ll leave the long explanation about how it’s got 4-wheel drive, and you _need_ that for these twisty mountain roads, and especially at night, and even more especially if you’ve had a few, aside for right now, shall we? …And the bar in town is still a honky-tonk, still blaring Kenny Rogers, still stocked with rednecks, and the same hard-bitten waitresses who’ve been looking askance at Thor’s cheap fake ID all summer, and then serving him anyway because he’s so cute. And the beer tastes just like it has all summer, same taste of piss and unwashed bar spigots, and it comes to the table in the same pitchers, still half full of foam at the top. And Loki drinks it, just like he has been drinking it all summer.

And then going back to camp… It seems like it was VS that drove them back, and it seems like that was a surprise to all of them, that he would offer for one thing, and that he would be the only one of them sober enough to manage it. And Loki was in the truck-bed, and Thor was back there with him. And it was so _uncomfortable_ back there, nothing to sit on, no hay, no old rags, just the bare steel of the truck-bed, and VS taking all the mountain bumps too fast so they bounced on every one. And he took the curves too fast too, and Loki told himself that was why he didn’t push Thor away, was because he was just going to slide back against him again at the next curve.

And Thor’s mouth on his… Thor’s soft mouth, that tasted of beer just like Loki’s mouth did, and how he was so tentative… Thor, the Lord of Creation was tentative that night, and the way he said, “I understand Loki, but god… Why have you changed so much?”

…How Loki told himself he didn’t really hear that, but that was later on, when he was sober. How that night, he answered, “I can’t explain it, I’m sorry Thor.” …How he _cried_ , embarrassing, drunken crying-jag kind of tears, and Thor put his arms around him and held him close all the rest of the way back to camp. 

And they got out of the truck… And Loki really was drunk, as in, he _needed_ help walking… Did he? Maybe he was having second thoughts about that even then, maybe he was telling himself he needed help because he _wanted_ it, because he knew what was going to happen with him and Thor, and he _wanted_ it.

What he felt was happiness. Even drunk like he was that night, how he heard all the little preparations that had to be made: Fan’s voice, vaguely floating past his head, Fan saying, “Spidey, you don’t mind,” and Spidey saying, “No of course not, I understand.” And the zip-zip sound of sleeping bags being zipped together, and the vague thought that floated through his head… Maybe? …Vague thought: “Like when we used to sleep together on camp-outs.”

Oh god, and then they were in bed together. And he cried some more, and Thor just held him. And they did have sex, but that wasn’t the main part of what happened. And he talked… He’s got to be remembering it wrong, because it feels like they talked all night, just him telling Thor how it felt, how it was with Tony, and how he’s been scared ever since that he’s going to die too, and Thor saying, “That’s all right, I understand,” over and over.

…It feels like he talked all night, but he couldn’t have, because eventually he was waking up, feeling just as horrible as he deserved to feel. He barely made it to the bathroom to throw up that morning, which made Thor laugh. And that made Loki feel a little anger, and that felt _good_. Maybe that’s the weirdest part, is how right it felt in the morning, to have a reason to be angry at Thor again.


	36. Abracadabra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces the lovely state of "reality".

“I heat up, I can't cool down  
You got me spinnin'  
'Round and 'round,  
'Round and 'round and 'round it goes  
Where it stops nobody knows.

Every time you call my name,  
I heat up like a burnin' flame  
Burnin' flame full of desire,  
Kiss me baby, let the fire get higher.

Abra-abra-cadabra  
I want to reach out and grab ya  
Abra-abra-cadabra  
Abracadabra.”  
\-- Steve Miller Band, “Abracadabra”

 

And Thor kept coming back. And he kept on coming back. And he brought stuff, all his usual stuff, like the beer and pot, he kept bringing all these peace offerings, and of course Spidey kept letting him in. And it was like Spidey was really invested in the whole thing. He was like, “Well you love him,” and Loki would keep saying, “I don’t love him.”

And they kept having this conversation; Loki kept having it with everyone, and it just seemed really weird to him. Since when are a bunch of Boy Scouts supposed to be all about romance anyway? Was it because it was Thor? But whatever it was, it was like the two of them, that they should be together, that they should be a couple, it seemed to have captured everyone’s interest. Everyone thought they should be together, and everyone kept saying it, and finally Loki submitted to the inevitability.

No, that’s not true. It’s not really true, it’s hindsight, trying to explain everything that happened. What it was like, was at first it felt really unnatural, but everything felt really unnatural at the time. It had been feeling unnatural, ever since… Since Tony died? No, since the day he first realized how sick Tony was, and what was going to happen to him, it was like after that, wherever he went, he was just playing a part. And he’d go to school, and that would be playing a part, and he’d try to interact with people, but it just never felt real. And Thor lived in the real world. He was the Golden Boy and the Prince of the Real World, but he was in the real world at any rate, and somewhere around the middle of July, Loki opened the door of his fake world, and there was Thor, and he took him back into reality.

Yeah, the “reality” that’s 30 guys, all cooped up together in one little place all summer long. This so-called “reality”: Bugle call in the morning, hikes, and cook-outs, and campfires, and lights out at 10:00. This so-realistic “reality,” where everyone’s got a nickname, where Peter Parker is Spidey, and Thor is Thunderer, and Loki is Trickster.

In this “reality,” Spidey knows that Trickster loves Thunderer. And Spidey _wants_ Trickster and Thunderer to be together, he sees Thunderer show up at the door and he always lets him in right away. In this “reality,” Trickster no sooner shows that he’s willing to let the Thunderer stay for a change, but what Spidey is over next door at Sheriff’s cabin, and when the Trickster finally agrees to let Thunderer stay for good, well then Spidey goes and he moves in with Sheriff.

And the thing is, it felt good. It was so _nice_ being in reality again, and who cared if it isn’t the real reality, who cared that it was just “reality?” And Thor was so nice, as in he was really nice, like he’d finally grown up into being something besides the Golden Boy, and he was willing to let Loki see that. How could the real reality ever compare?

And long after that, back in Los Angeles, Loki will think about those last weeks at Indian Piss. How it was sunny every day, and how he’d wake up… Still at 5:00, which was an hour earlier than Thor had to wake up. …He’d wake up, in that jury-rigged two-cots-pushed-together “double bed” that he and Thor shared, in that drippy, drafty, stinky old cabin, that was too far and an uphill climb, away from the kitchen. And he’d wake up when the sun hit his face, and he’d lie there for a while, just feeling good, with Thor’s body spooned against his, Thor’s cock, hard every morning (and what mornings did he _not_ want to just stay there, just take advantage of that constant hardon), before he’d get up and go in to the kitchen.

And those nights… God, those nights. What was funny, was that practically right away after Loki let him in, Thor stopped showing up with the beer and the weed. He stopped needing the peace offerings, he would just come. And Loki would finish his work in the kitchen, he’d go back to the cabin, and then Thor would show up maybe an hour later after he’d gotten his kids to bed.

And the spoiled, petted feeling of lying there with him. In their two zipped-together sleeping bags, with the radio on, playing whatever hard rock station Thor could get to come in. And Thor, typical Thor, he’d throw himself down on the bed. As in he would literally _throw_ himself, and Loki would have to reach out, just to keep the cots from sliding apart and dropping them both on the floor. And he’d sing along, with whatever piece of Top-40 shit happened to be playing.

“Abracadabra”: Thor _loved_ that song. And his body, hitting the bed… How the springs would go “clunk,” because it was too much to ask, of course, that they might bounce even a little bit. And he’d grab Loki, he’d be singing in his ear, “Every time you call my name, I heat up like a burning flame…” God, the warm feeling of his mouth, against Loki’s ear, and the scratchy feeling of a week’s worth of stubble. And he’d be singing, “Burning, full of desire, kiss me baby,” and he’d go, “Yeah, my flame’s getting higher, kiss me, Loki.”

And Loki always did. He’d go, “That song is such a cliché,” which it is, but it’s their song now, if they have a song. And as for kissing him? Was there ever a time that summer when he didn’t give Thor the kiss he wanted? And he’d go, “Do your campers know you’re shacking up with one of the cooks?”

Thor would go, “Hell yeah, they know, they’re glad…” And who knows, maybe they were…

Hell, they were. They had to have been; when has anyone, anywhere, been anything but delighted to see Thor get whatever he has his little heart set on? And maybe some other time, Loki would have cared about that? Maybe it would have made him mad?

That summer it just felt good. That summer Thor would come back to the cabin after lights out. He’d strip off and dump his clothes on the floor, and he’d roll into bed and start nuzzling Loki right away. That summer he wooed him with clichés; it would be, “Abra-abra-cadabra, I want to reach out and grab ya,” or, “Come on baby, make it hurt so _good_ ,” and it just sounded like somebody wanting him to Loki, like someone who cared enough to make him feel good, and they were coming to his bed asking for a cuddle.

And every time, Loki gave him that cuddle. And every time, Thor made him feel good; he made him feel so good, so warm, like a well-petted cat, full of cream, and with the prospect of mousehunting on for tomorrow. And it went on for… Oh Jesus, it couldn’t have been more than three weeks, but it felt like forever, like a good forever. And then it all ended on August 18th, when Thor went to training camp.

And the night before he left: Because that whole day was like a glory day for Thor. It was Coronation for the Golden Boy, like, breakfast in Thor’s honor, and lunch in Thor’s honor, and dinner in Thor’s honor. …And the campfire was all just Thor, Thor, Thor, and Loki had to make an appearance, he was, apparently, like the Crown Prince to the new King of Camp Indian Piss. And then it was all over, and the King and the Prince went back to their cabin. King held the Prince in his arms, and his mouth was so close. And, “You’ll probably still be asleep when I leave,” he said.

Loki was like, “No. I work in the kitchen, remember?”

And Thor kissed him. And his voice, soft as a summer breeze, across Loki’s face, and he said, “Well you’ll be working then, let’s say good-bye now.”

And they said good-bye, a good, very good good-bye. And Thor’s mouth, between Loki’s legs, Thor giving, where he never used to do anything but take before. And Thor kissing, and touching Loki all over, Thor murmuring, “I love you Loki, this isn’t over, just because I’m leaving.” 

And Loki… He didn’t think it was over either, did he? He thought that “reality,” the reality of what life was like at Indian Piss, he still thought that was real. And he murmured back, “You know I’ve always loved you, Thor.”

Well, that part was true at least. It was true, for whatever it’s worth, but everything has an end, and the unreal “reality” that is life at a summer camp ends sooner than anything. And everyone else stayed another week after Thor left, and they all treated Loki like he was a widow or something… That felt a little like reality too. And he moped around, got a little extra shine to his reputation, because he’d lost the Golden Boy. Of course, _having_ Thor, and _losing_ him, that’s bound to make anyone sad, isn’t it? Then on the 21st, they all went home. And Bruce had their apartment that he’d held over the summer, and Loki moved back in there.

You want a testament of what happened to that unreal summer? Loki’s got this trunk. This ugly blue steamer trunk, like, just like this cheap blue trunk, that’s made of cardboard, and even the metal at the edges isn’t real brass, it feels more like plastic. And he bought this thing so he’d have something to take his stuff in, when he went to Indian Piss, and it was heavy when he took it over there. And it felt like it was twice as heavy when he brought it back, because it had all these gifts, and all these mementos and shit in it. And he's never opened it, not once, since he came back. And he keeps meaning to open it. He’s got rolls of film in there, that he’s never developed, and he’s got this mix-tape in there, that was a present from Thor, the night before he left. If you knew how much he used to cry when he’d listen to that thing, but now? Now, when it’s gathering dust, with the dirty socks and the undeveloped film and all the other shit? Residue of a bygone time, like the last artifacts from sunken Atlantis... Hell, maybe he’ll never open that trunk; it can be a time capsule, of the summer he spent in “reality”.


	37. Pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a Prestigious University teaches kids to _sparkle_.

“Don't ask for help,  
You're all alone…  
Pressure  
You'll have to answer  
To your own…  
Pressure  
I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale.  
But here you are in the ninth  
Two men out and three men on,  
Nowhere to look but inside,  
Where we all respond to  
Pressure.”  
\-- Billy Joel, “Pressure”

 

Reality… In this year of our lord, 1982, in this place, Southern California, and among these people… Among his friends, what would you call them? And why not use the words everyone uses? Gays, if you like them, or queers and faggots if you don’t. …Or go broader, among his fellow college students, specifically male college students, or, going more specific than that, how about the male undergraduates attending the University of California, Los Angeles branch, here in the fall of 1982?

…And reality for them is what? Heavy classloads, but we’ve had heavy classloads before. High standards, challenging coursework, but those are the buzzwords, that’s what the college wants you to say. Or, shall we call it… pressure? 

Such a simple word, but such a loaded concept. Pressure is what turns coal into diamonds, and that’s what’s happening to them, presumably. All the students here, they’re the little lumps of coal, and they’re going to be diamonds when the awesome world-class impressiveness that is California’s most prestigious state university system is done with them. Tell me true now, aren’t you feeling more sparkly already?

 _Sparkly_ , yeah, that’s the word for it. Brilliant luster of a kid who’s gotten his illusions ripped away from him, but we don’t need those things, now do we? Illusions, those are for children; adults see the world as it is. Sparkles… Is it sparkling when he starts going along with Sam on all his hospital visits from now on? Yes it must be, because that’s “compassion” and that is one of those adult virtues. And he doesn’t go on all of them, because sometimes he has studying to do, and that’s “responsibility”, which is an even more virtuous virtue. And then there is the thing about Thor…

Poor Thor, he isn’t here, he isn’t sparkling. Poor Thor, how can he sparkle? How can he grow up, cradled as he is, in that perpetual adult nursery we call Football? Poor Thor, and Loki would gladly go and share some of his wonderful new sparkly adulthood with him, only sometimes he has trouble keeping up with all of it himself. 

These are, presumably, the times when the pressure isn’t finished with him yet.

Time Number 1: Coming back and feeling the pull of everyone’s expectations… Or is that Time Number 1? Maybe Time Number 1 was just coming back, after a summer that was… Oh god. 

…Yeah, coming back was a big Time Number 1, after that, seeing Steve again for the first time. Seeing what three months could do, and the way it reminded him of Tony (and all the feelings about that, that he thought he’d already dealt with). After that… Oh jesus, can we say it together folks? Pretty soon the sparkliest diamonds at this whole Prestigious University are going to be the gay diamonds, because those are the ones that are getting all the pressure. And the university, is it even prepared?

Probably not. But maybe they don’t have to worry about that, now do they? How long does it take for the symptoms of this thing to start showing? …This thing called GRID now, for gay-related something-or-other, with “gay” written right into the title, which is one more reason no one has to take it seriously. Isn’t it years before you get sick? How many kids here are going to get sick, only it won’t be while they’re going to Prestigious University will it? And doesn’t that mean it doesn’t matter?

Prestigious University is just going to keep making sparkly diamonds out of all of them. Out of the ones who are straight, and they’re going to have fantastic futures ahead of them, they’re going to get married and have 2.5 children, and a wife who goes to aerobics class, and out of the gay ones, who are going to get sick and die. …And out of the ones like Loki, who’s probably sick already, only it doesn’t show yet. He’d better hurry, hadn’t he? Doesn’t he owe it to the university to start sparkling as soon as possible?

Yeah, maybe he’ll live his life instead. Maybe that goddamn scholarship he’s been fighting so hard to hold onto isn’t the be-all-and-end-all everyone says it is. Maybe his life would still go on if he lost it, maybe the sun would still keep coming up every morning even if he left UCLA altogether. Good-bye, Prestigious University, there are other schools out there. There are jobs out there you can get without a college degree, hell, there are even _film_ jobs you can get. And Loki goes back to reading the job listings in the _L.A. Weekly_. You can direct porn films without a degree, or there are plenty of lower level jobs with the real studios.

Mornings, when he wakes up with his fantasy of chucking it all. And the weather outside, that Santa Ana wind they insist on calling “fall weather” out here, even though it’s hotter than July. And walking across campus, and everything still just as green as it was in July, just the sycamores turned all faded and ugly. And Loki’s sweating in the preppy clothes Tony bought for him two years ago. The chinos that always had to be pressed _just so_ , and the polos with the little alligator on them…

And god, those clothes and their memories: Tony, trying to make him wear plaid Bermudas, and buying him webbing belts out of L.L. Bean (that he still wears, and it breaks his heart every single time). Tony, saying, “Of course you’ll wear the pink shirt with the green belt,” and him saying, “But I don’t _want_ to look like a cliché,” and Tony, coaxing, “Just in here then, I love fucking hot young clichés.”

…Yeah, he’d be more comfortable now if he’d let Tony buy the Bermudas, and he’d be happier if he was wearing his own goddamn clothes, and he walks across campus, and his mind’s full of the fantasy. Universal’s hiring grips. How hard would it be to get on? And he’ll get a place in Burbank, and he’ll work his way up. Or maybe he could do just a couple movies for a porn studio. It’s money, isn’t it? And North Hollywood’s not that bad, and it’s close to Cal State Northridge, and he can finish a degree in Liberal Studies or something, maybe come back to UCLA for graduate work.

And all the time he knows it’s not real. Because he’s not going to quit school, and he’s not going to go back to Minnesota, and the only way he can afford to finish out here is with the scholarship, as long as his permanent address is out of state.

And Howard Stark calls him back in again, about that Great Film he’s supposed to make in Tony’s honor. Some time in October, he calls him back, into his office, because apparently Loki isn’t family anymore. Maybe he stopped being family after the funeral? Maybe he’s still family, with his status on-hold until he makes the movie, but who cares really? All it feels like is a burden.

…And Stark calls him in. “So,” in his best all-business, Republican businessman’s business-voice. “About that film we were discussing?”

Crazy sense of liberation, when he said, “I’m not making it.” And the feeling, like shackles coming off, like his heart is taking wing and soaring. And the sense of cleverness: Such an ineffably clever solution, how _did_ he think of it? And after all, one Brilliant Film Student really is pretty much like any other. And Stark is quite amenable, once he explains, in fact he’s probably thrilled, after all, Freddie’s not the one on probation with the university.

And… Just the briefest moment of humanity, right at the end: “The film will be about my son?” Stark says.

And Loki says, “I’m sure Freddie would agree to that.”

And Stark says, “You’ll be in it, won’t you?” And Loki says yes (and feels a few feathers drop away from the wings that were carrying his heart skyward). And Stark looks at him, and he smiles. “Tony would want you to be,” he says. “You meant a lot to him.”

And Loki leaves, and of course Freddie is thrilled to death to take on the awesome opportunity of the Stark Grant. And he starts planning the film right away, says he’ll get back to Loki for his input. And really, is it such a huge obligation having to give it to him? Compared to making the whole damn film himself, it’s nothing really, isn’t it?

It’s one more chance for life to apply pressure, that’s what it is. And soon he will be a diamond, and he will _sparkle_. And after all, what little lump of coal doesn’t want that?


	38. Change is Comin' Round Real Soon, Make us Women and Men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First screening of _the movie_ , Freddie's movie.

“Oh, let it rock, let it roll  
Let the Bible belt come and save my soul.  
Hold on to sixteen as long as you can  
Change is coming 'round real soon   
Make us women and men.  
Oh yeah, life goes on  
Long after the thrill of livin’ is gone  
Oh yeah, life goes on  
Long after the thrill of livin’ is gone.  
Little ditty ‘bout Jack and Diane, two American kids doing the best they can.”  
\-- John Mellencamp, “Jack & Diane”

“Message from Freddie…” “That Freddie guy called…” After the first couple of times, Bruce figures it out, and he just leaves the message. Scrap of paper, left by the phone; Loki pretends he doesn’t see it. After a while there’s a pile of them there, and then that gets buried by something else. Put the flyer for the Chinese restaurant on there, then add the one for the pizza place on top of that. Pretty soon no one will notice it. And you make excuses when you’re the one who picks up when Freddie calls, ignore him when he comes up to you on campus. It’s a coward’s way, but sometimes you’ve got to do that stuff. And why doesn’t Loki just get the damn movie over with? God, why?

Why…

Thing with dating a professor is that every inch of the school reminds you of him. Going down Bruin Walk… That’s the place where you turned to get to the Physics Department, isn’t it? And you go down there, you get to the inverted fountain. God, that inverted fountain…. Plasma Physics on one side, Schoenberg Hall on the other, and events at Schoenberg Hall, little plays and things. Tony went to those things, he called it “showing support,” said sometimes he had students that were in them. Tony, who taught nothing but upper division courses, a few seminars maybe, purely for graduate students. And Loki was like, “Oh yes, those rare Physics/Theatre double majors,” and Tony laughed, but he didn’t laugh too hard. Tony loved this school. …And they would get there early, and they would sit there in front of the fountain. And Tony’s arm, around Loki’s waist. And Tony, talking to everyone that goes by, him, throwing that bullshit-charm of his far and wide, but his body was warm against Loki’s body, in the cold, deepening twilight.

And what’s he supposed to do with that stuff? Is he supposed to give it to Freddie to put in his movie? Say it on camera, so the whole world will have it? God, most of the time he doesn’t want to have it himself.

…And going up to Dickson… Jesus. …Going through the sculpture garden, thinking of Tony meeting him there, saying, “Okay tell me, what the hell’s that supposed to be?” Loki saying, “Don’t ask me, I’m just a lowly Freshman.” And Tony going over, looking. “For your information,” he said, “this work of art is by Hans Arp, that one over there is by Jacques Lipschitz, don’t you dare say his name wrong, you know you want to.” Tony, arm around Loki’s waist, wanting to cuddle: “I could give you a tour.”

And Loki telling him, “I’ve got a class, I’m late already,” and now he walks past that damn sculpture garden… When he does walk past it. You can get to the Art Center without going by it, it just takes a little maneuvering. …And when he does go by, and all he can think of is Tony, and he’s really supposed to spill all that out in front of a camera? He’s supposed to give it to Freddie, and whoever watches his goddamn film?

And Freddie keeps calling and calling, and then Mr. Stark starts calling as well, and Loki keeps on ignoring both of them.

You know what finally makes him sit down and do the damn film?

November when it happens, early November, like the first maybe, second at the latest. Loki’s home pretending to do some of the work he’s going to do in a week or two, last-minute, and barely before he has to turn it in. Bruce is out, somewhere. And the phone rings, Loki picks up. “Hello?”

And Thor’s voice on the other end… Thor, who kept calling and calling, right after Loki came back, then when he stopped finally, he thought he’d finally given up. …And he’s calls, and he’s like, “Loki, can we talk?”

Thor called because _it_ had finally touched his charmed life. “It,” you understand, being the gay plague, the eponymous GRID, or AIDS, or whatever the hell they’ve decided they want to call it now. …Now that they are calling it something. …Now that they’ve decided gay lives matter. The Hand of Death, it touched him… Him, the untouchable, the King of the Gridiron.

…Thor called and he’s like, “I went to this party, at a bar…”

Halloween night, and he’s at a party at a gay bar, and he finds out someone he’d met there is dying. Someone he’d met at the bar before… How long ago? And he’s supposedly been out how long now? A year at least, right? And part of Loki’s wondering about that, even while he’s telling the story. Part of him’s thinking, “Way to go Thor, you’ve been to a gay bar _twice_. Is this what coming out means to you, Thor?”

Yeah, part of him is thinking that, part of him is also sorry, because, you know, this is Thor, and part of him? Maybe the other part is the part that’s listening properly. It’s the part that hears Thor go on about the guy, hears him saying, “He was _our age_ , Loki, and he was a bodybuilder, he looked like he could go out and play quarterback for the Gophers.”

Maybe it was the other part that made the sarcastic comment about, “the so-prestigious Gophers,” and then Thor called him on it, he was like, “That was low, Loki.”

And Loki said, “Yeah I know, I’m sorry.”

And Thor went on and on, all this about, “This was what you were talking about, wasn’t it, Loki? I just never thought it could happen…”

Loki was like, “To someone like you, who lives a charmed life?” 

And Thor called him on that too, but this time he didn’t say sorry. And Thor went on like that, like, “This shit is really real, I mean, I knew it was, but…” And he asked Loki, “Just how contagious is this thing?”

Loki was like, “I have no idea.”

And just this soft, soft little noise from Thor, just this, “Fu-uuu-ck.”

Yeah, that’s about the size of it, Thor. Just that, just fuck. Because really, what else is there to say? After all this time, what is there to say?

And the next day he calls Freddie and he tells him he’s ready, and he does the movie that weekend. And it’s good. Freddie’s got Pepper to do an interview, and he’s got all these people from the Physics Department, these co-workers and students. Movie’s what it ought to be, it’s not just Tony the scientist, it’s Tony the man, Tony the gay man as well…

Freddie, after the fact, talking to Loki at the North Campus food court: “You should have seen his face,” he says. “Because I set it up that way on purpose. You know Kris? From Latveria? I set it up on purpose for him to come in for his interview right before him, and I told Mr. Stark to come in early, and I think he heard most of it.” And a mean little laugh. “I thought he’d die right there of pure Republican outrage.”

And Loki was like, “Why?”

Freddie gives a shrug. “He had to find out I was including that part sooner or later,” he says. “Grant’s written so I can do the film however I want.” And he goes away, finishes making the film Loki was supposed to make.

They screened it at Schoenberg Hall when it was finished. And Loki went… December that was, when they showed it. …He went with Bruce and Sam, because Steve was too sick to go out that night, and they all sat together. You want to talk about your three-handkerchief tearjerker? 

And on the way out… That was when he saw that Sam had been crying at least as much as he had. Sam, who wasn’t an old friend of Tony’s, he hadn’t even known him until Loki introduced them, but he’d been in there crying. And thinking about that… Thinking about why he’d been crying…

He’s probably going to lose his scholarship, after this semester. Because yeah, his grades aren’t good again, and it’s been… How long? Like, a year or more, since he’s been one of the prize film students. And he’ll probably have to transfer, because there’s sure no way he can afford the tuition at UCLA on his own. He’ll have to go to one of the Cal State schools, if he even decides to finish college…

Walking out of the theatre that night, Loki knows what he wants to do. For, like, the first time in… God, how long? …Since Tony’s been sick, probably, and it feels good for him to know finally, what he does want to do. Because he thinks about how Tony got a movie. Because he was rich, and his parents are rich, and they were able to afford to have someone make one, he got a movie. And that night, walking out of the theatre with Sam, Loki thinks about all the guys who aren’t going to get a movie. And he thinks about the people that care about them, about their lovers, and their friends. That night is when he knows, that this is what he needs to do, he needs to make a movie for all of them.

And if he does lose his scholarship, so what? There are other colleges. And what does it matter anyway, if he even does finish college? After all, he’s probably going to die too, in a few more years. But at least he’ll leave something behind, if he does this, something that will be for him, and for all the other gay men out there who are dying, and maybe don’t even know it yet.

…Anyway, that’s what he thinks about. And he goes out into that cold night, that probably smells like flowers, because when does Los Angeles not smell like flowers (and smog)? And he goes out… Can’t smell the night, of course, because his nose is so stuffed up from crying. …Bruce is like, “He did a pretty good job, didn’t he?”

Sam’s like, “He really did.”

And Loki’s like, “Yeah.”


	39. Dirty Laundry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces Dark-Loki, who is the filmmaker side, and always ready to come out.

“I make my living off the evening news.  
Just give me something, something I can use.  
People love it when you lose,  
They love dirty laundry. 

Well, I coulda been an actor, but I wound up here.  
I just have to look good, I don't have to be clear.  
Come and whisper in my ear,  
Give us dirty laundry. 

Kick 'em when they're up  
Kick 'em when they're down  
Kick 'em when they're up  
Kick 'em when they're down  
Kick 'em when they're up  
Kick 'em when they're down  
Kick 'em when they're up  
Kick 'em all around.”  
\-- Don Henley, “Dirty Laundry”

Steve’s story… Steve’s story, and they’re in his apartment. …In his apartment, that’s always too hot any more, and the windows are always closed, and it’s kind of steamy (and a nasty little sickness-smell in the background, that Loki always tries to ignore). …Steve’s story, and he’s there, he’s sitting on the sofa, looking so thin, where he used to have all those muscles. And the feel of having to keep a camera going while he’s telling it. Because it feels like exploitation. Because why? He’s trying to honor him, that’s why he’s there, he just wants to give Steve a voice, but it feels like exploitation.

And there’s always something larger there too, isn’t there? There’s the big picture, which is the film he he’s making (that he hopes he’s making). Let’s be honest here, shall we? It hasn’t escaped Loki’s notice that if he does this right, it’ll be a good film, as well as a good tribute. …Hasn’t escaped him that it’ll put him back on top at school, as in _right_ on top, as in it’ll make him the Star Student again because it’s going to be that good, he can tell it will be.

Yeah, nothing’s ever completely simple when you’re a filmmaker, is it? But he’ll go to the apartment. And he’ll sit there, he’ll ask Steve to talk. Camera always going in the background: Look, here’s subject’s boyfriend. Oh now, isn’t that a good shot? _Heartwarming_ , that’s what you’ve got to call it, look, subject’s boyfriend is _holding his hand_. Now he’s doing something in the bedroom… Oh look, is that a _bedpan_? God, Jesus, where is the privacy, where’s the fucking dignity? But Steve says it’s okay, Steve _wants_ to do this… And always that secret little dark undercurrent, that part in his mind that says, “Get that bedpan in the shot, Loki, oh, look, snapshots of Steve when he still had muscles? You can contrast those with how wasted he is now.” Some part of his mind never stops being a filmmaker, and sometimes it sickens him, but he’ll go with it, yeah, he goes ahead and keeps filming, all right.

…And Steve’s story, which is so many men’s stories: How he started out in New York. P.S. Something-or-another, because that’s how they name their schools in New York, and how he was so skinny, he was the 98-pound weakling. And a guy named Bucky, sometime in the early 60’s, and a friendship that turned into something else, and some parents that kicked out their skinny little 98-pound-weakling kid, and some other parents who shamed their kid so bad he went and joined the Army, and he died in one of those places in Vietnam, Da Nang, or Saigon, or one of those.

…Story of a skinny boy… He moved in with his Grandma, that’s what happened to him; better story than a lot of skinny little gay-boys got back in those days. And skinny little kid gets a degree in Accounting, he gets a good job, but you know how it was during the 70’s. …How it still is now, how it will continue to be until everyone’s gotten a clue how bad AIDS is, and they start to take precautions… Or maybe none of them will ever get a clue, maybe it’s already in all of them and they’ll all be dead, and none of this will matter.

…Which is maybe a reason for sitting there like a predator, and planning shots and scheming about camera angles, while Steve sits there pouring his heart out? Because at least now there will be a record?

…Story about a skinny kid who works out, and he gets muscles. _Beautiful_ muscles, and then Steve brings out the photo album, he shows Loki (and the camera) what he was like in the 70’s. Big, buffed-out guy, blond hair, and those blue, blue eyes of his, and that clean-cut, All-American smile. …And skinny-kid turns into muscle-boy, and of course muscle-boy is just pulling in all the admirers. You know how it was in the 70’s, right? Stuff of every gay-boy’s fantasy, all these clubs, and all these parties, and _Fire Island_ … God, they’d even heard about Fire Island way out in Minneapolis.

And eventually muscle-boy comes out to California. He meets someone, and he helps him find a job, and he comes to Los Angeles. …And this is Tony, by the way; apparently he was the one who talked Steve into coming out here. And if you think that doesn’t start some feelings going? If you’re going to try to describe the fondness that comes first, and the little, familiar, Tony-shaped irritation that goes with it? …And the flooding sadness that comes after that? Never mind, don’t try to describe it. Why don’t save your breath and describe the predatory filmmaker-feelings that come in right away and take over instead? Because those are always there, whether Loki wants them to be or not.

…And there’s Steve, sitting on the sofa. And there’s the damp fug of the apartment, and Sam in the background, always doing things to take care of Steve, like he can save him single-handedly if he just gives him the right pills at the right time, and maybe he can change the sheets one more time, and that’ll be what saves him…

And the Dark-Loki who’s always there notices it of course, and it seems like he knows just what to do, so he can highlight the futility of all this heroism. And the regular-Loki is very ashamed of him, and even the Dark-Loki is ashamed of himself. And all the time, the camera keeps rolling, and the film keeps getting longer, and it’s good, it’s really, really _good_. And that’s good, right?

And Steve’s done talking after a while. And Loki makes Sam talk… Sam wants to talk, but it’s for the film, for Loki’s film…

And, “Cram down those guilt-feelings,” he tells himself. “Do you think Orson Welles felt guilt? Or Sergei Eisenstein, or F. W. Murnau?” And he films Sam’s story, and he takes all the recommendations Sam and Steve give him, about who he can talk to next. And it would be easier if it weren’t all people he knew. …People he loves, people who are friends of his that he met through Steve, or he met them through Tony, or some of them he met at Latveria. Sometimes this feels like documentary filmmaking, but sometimes it just feels like exploitation, and it’s the hardest thing in the world for him to keep on with it.

But he does keep on with it, because he has to. Because somewhere inside him, whatever causes AIDS is lurking… Probably? As in, it’s probably lurking in there? As in, who knows, who even knows yet what this thing really is? But it _might_ be in there, and he _might_ have a death-sentence over his head, and this documentary thing he’s doing might end up being the only legacy he leaves.

Never mind that even that’s kind of a selfish reason, he just grabs his camera and he goes. And when he gets wherever he’s going, he unleashes Predator-Loki, and the film gets made, little by little, and one interview at a time.


	40. I'm Just a Man Who Needs Someone, and Somewhere to Hide.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The vindication of Dark-Loki comes.

“You're wondering who I am, machine or mannequin  
With parts made in Japan, I am the modern man.

I've got a secret, I've been hiding under my skin  
My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain I.B.M.  
So if you see me acting strangely, don't be surprised.  
I'm just a man who needed someone, and somewhere to hide,  
To keep me alive, just keep me alive,  
Somewhere to hide to keep me alive.

I'm not a robot without emotions, I'm not what you see.  
I've come to help you with your problems, so we can be free.  
I'm not a hero, I'm not a savior, forget what you know  
I'm just a man whose circumstances went beyond his control…  
Beyond my control, we all need control  
I need control, we all need control.”  
\-- Styx, “Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto”

Winter turns into spring, and spring turns into summer, and the film gets finished, little by little. Dark-Loki is a very good editor, he takes all those videotapes, all those stories, and he cuts them, and he…

No, but that’s bullshit. Dark-Loki is a construct, he’s a fiction. But is it so horrible to have that cold part inside of you, that part that can detach itself from its feelings and just get things done? Doesn’t everyone have the same thing, everyone successful, anyhow? And Dark-Loki is a construct, but he’s an efficient construct, and time passes, and the gets finished. 

Scene in the progression of time-passing: This is June, Bruce is graduating. Azure-blue sky… One of those skies you get in California, where it’s so cloudy in the morning, and everyone’s sure the clouds will never burn away, but they do, and right away it gets hot and you all sit there baking. …And picture of an azure sky, mortarboards flying upward, one last grand, glorious burst of undergraduate-enthusiasm. And Bruce goes off to Palo Alto for an internship, graduate school in the fall, and Loki is left, with an empty apartment, and more time passes…

And, scene again: Horrible inevitability, of a certain disease no one in the Reagan Administration will mention. Death of a friend, sudden bereavement of another friend left alone upstairs, in his own, very empty apartment. And a consolidation happens, two single men, now sharing the same one apartment. Rent’s cut in half, money’s saved, and everyone’s happy; it’s a win-win for all of them, right?

Now Loki has a roommate who walks around like a robot. And Sam goes to work, and he comes home, and he makes those hospital visits of his, then comes home and turns on the TV, and watches, all night long. Leitmotif of that June is the droning sound of the TV in the living room, Loki, meanwhile, trying to sleep in the other room. Johnny Carson, David Letterman, _Nightwatch_ … Loki gets very good at recognizing all the voices. Harold Dow’s the guy on the straight news show, as opposed to Brad Hall, who’s on _Saturday Night Live._ And Letterman’s the one with the stupid pet tricks, and Joe Piscopo’s the one that imitates Sinatra, and does anyone not know Johnny Carson? …Late nights, hot summer outside… Hot summer inside too, because the air conditioner never did work for crap, and this summer it seems to have given up entirely. And Loki lies there in bed, and he thinks about Dark-Loki, and the work he’s got in store for him tomorrow, and maybe he thinks a little bit about his friend the robot-kid, out in the other room.

And Loki is a _good_ friend to Sam. And he brings him food, and he calls in for him, when Sam says he can’t make it to work that day. And he makes his hospital visits, which are easy, after all, those are strangers he’s having to commiserate with. And he comes home, and he talks to Sam some more. “Oh, how was your day, Sam? Oh, what happened? What’s that, nothing? Oh, nothing happened to me today either.”

And Sam comes in and he goes out. Grey-faced Sam, dead-eyed. Sam, who walks like a robot, and talks like a robot, Sam, who probably thinks like a robot too, at this point. And good Loki is a good friend to him, and he goes out and comes in too. And he does his things, which at this point are mostly making this film, which is supposedly a voice for the voiceless. And Sam is grateful to him …probably… Hell, he’s got to be grateful to him, doesn’t he? After all, Steve’s one of the men who’s going to be in the film.

This all takes until about the beginning of July. Then the film’s finished, and Loki’s usefulness is at an end. Suddenly the days all feel like they have a thousand hours each.

Those hot July days... You think June was hot? …And stuffy, with the AC doing shit, and smoggy, if you dare to open a window, and try to get some cool air in there that way. And he’s on a night shift at work, he gets up at ten maybe, sits around the apartment all day, until it’s time to leave. He is an _expert_ on daytime television. …Added onto the expertise he already had about the late-night stuff? Loki is what you’d call an _all-around_ expert on television, now; seriously, there should be a Trivial Pursuit category named after him.

And those long, long, _long_ July days… KTLA’s the one to watch. The networks have the game shows, and those are all right in small doses, but really, how many times can you watch Vanna point to stuff on _Wheel of Fortune_ , and Bob Barker, telling people to come on down? KTLA’s all reruns, and not just the new stuff either. Their line-up is _The Twilight Zone_ , followed by _Alfred Hitchcock_ , followed by _F-Troop_ , and _McHale’s Navy_ , and somewhere in there you’ve got Hogan and Gilligan too, as an added bonus (but Loki’s getting dressed for work by the time Gilligan comes on).

Sometimes Sam’s home during the day too, but they don’t talk much. “Getting a soda, you want one? Hey, will you hand me the remote?” And Sam’s like, “When are they showing your movie?” Loki’s like, “Right after school starts, September 30th; the theatre was booked all summer, remember?” Sam’s like, “Yeah…” And click-click goes the remote control, Rod Serling gives way to Bob Barker, then another click and there’s _The Facts of Life_ , which is still running new on Wednesday nights, and don’t the kids look young in the reruns?

And July turns into August. And… you think July was hot? …Cue the standard descriptors: Hot days, hot nights, the apartment stuffy, smog hanging like a haze over the city. And then August turns into September, and it’s back to school time for everybody. And Loki turns his film in to his advisor, and cue the standard, expected responses for that: “Oh, it’s so good, it’s so great, it’s so effective, oh Loki, we knew you could do good things after all.”

And then more time… Finally it’s the 30th. Scene of Schoenberg Hall, night of the showing. And that fountain’s still out in front, the one with the benches, where he used to sit with Tony. And the night, which is hot, of course; it’s always hot in L.A. in September. …Hot night, sky that weird pinkish color that it always is at night here. No stars, of course, and that pink sky, and everyone from everywhere, showing up to watch the Wunderkind, finally make good. And Sam’s there, and he’s got his mom with him.

Sam’s mom is a nice lady, and she is _very_ happy that her son’s nice friend has made this nice movie. Sam’s mother is a lovely lady, she’s so sweet, and she’s so pretty, and she loved Steve; she visited over last Christmas, and they got to know each other really well. 

And it’s the Christmas part that does it. Where was Loki last Christmas? Oh yes, he was right here in L.A. wasn’t he? And that was when Freddie had the showing for his film, the one about Tony. And Loki came with Bruce and Sam, and they watched it together, and then there they both were, crying with him afterward. His _friends_ were there crying with him. And Loki stands there with Sam and his mother, and he’s thinking, “Who’s Sam had to cry with, all this summer since Steve died?” And the answer is no one. He’s the one who should have been there for him, but he wasn’t, he was making his film.

…He was being Dark-Loki, who seems like even more of a construct now. He is fictional, purely fictional, and not even very good fiction either. And Loki wants to say he’s sorry, but how do you say that to someone, especially with their mom right there next to you?

Later on he does say sorry. And Sam gives the standard, bullshit response: “Oh, that’s all right, that’s fine, I understand.”

And Loki goes, “It’s because I was scared.”

Sam goes, “I understand.”

And Loki tries to explain why that’s not an excuse, why he should have been there, he should have _made_ himself be there, but all he ends up doing is tangling himself up, in his own useless words.

And Sam goes, “The movie’s enough.” And there are tears in his eyes, the same fog of tears Loki saw there, after the showing. And Sam’s like, “All those things you’re trying to say? They’re there, Loki. You don’t know how much of yourself you put in that movie.”

Loki wants to say, “That’s not good enough,” but who knows, maybe it is? Maybe it’s got to be good enough, maybe that’s all he’s got, all he’s ever going to get? Maybe he should be grateful for Dark-Loki, who at least says the things that need to be said, even if he has to manipulate people to do it?

Growing up’s a bitch, you know that? It really is. And real soft, Loki goes, “I’m sorry anyway, because I knew I should have talked to you, but I didn’t, I was just too scared.”

Sam’s like, “Hey, it’s cool. I know you’re my friend, even if you don’t say it.”

And they both stand there… Maybe they’re both crying a little by this time. And that’s your picture of life in this Year of Our Lord, 1983. That’s your picture, call it Portrait of a Wunderkind, and his Sidekick. …Call it a picture of Dark-Loki, because he’s been vindicated now, hasn’t he? Because Dark-Loki says things, that Real-Loki can’t.


	41. I'm Doin' All Right, Gettin' Good Grades

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reintroduces an important character from earlier in the story.

“I got a job waitin'  
For my graduation  
Fifty thou a year  
Will buy a lotta beer.

Things are goin' great,  
And they're only gettin' better  
I'm doin' all right,  
Gettin' good grades  
The future's so bright  
I gotta wear shades.”  
\-- Timbuk3, “Future’s so Bright I Gotta Wear Shades”  


Year of our Lord, 1983: Senior year in college, things are changing, yeah baby, they are _changing_. And Loki’s at school, and he is the Wunderkind again, and, “Blah-blah, Mr. Layfeyson, nice job on the such-and-so,” and, “Hey Loki, I saw you got an A on blah-blah-blah.” …And little blip on the old radar, when his counselor calls him in, scholarship revoked, too many bad grades over too long a period and, “Good job pulling your socks up Loki, but it just isn’t enough…” And it doesn’t register, because none of it registers, it’s just part of the whole experience. And all this crap, this graduate-get-a-good-job bullshit, is premised on one simple assumption, isn’t it? Because it assumes that you’ve got a future to worry about, and who knows about that any more? And Loki goes to class, and he comes home. And Dark-Loki notices that “Senior Project” means more funding for the second film that’s already in the works, oh yes indeed he does, you better believe it, but let’s be real here, shall we? That film would have been made one way or the other. And stuff happens, and time goes by, and it’s October.

And October’s tough, because you know, October is going to be tough. And memories, that are still so sweet they can make you cry, pictures of getting dressed up, of Tony, chasing you through the hallways at Latveria… Latveria’s closed now, by the way. Funny how Loki didn’t even know that, but of course he doesn’t make it into Westwood very often these days. And Freddie brings word, “You know that bathhouse there used to be in the Village?” And a pause, an artificial -sounding laugh. Freddie’s like, “Big padlock on the door. You used to go there, didn’t you? I never did much, never saw the appeal; there are way hotter places in West Hollywood, if you like that thing.” And he stops, laughs again, a little weakly this time. “I don’t even go to bathhouses any more, Loki, damn you and Sam, and your horrible good influence.”

…Yeah, remember Latveria? Loki makes himself go by the next day, and Freddie’s right. Goddamn big fuckin’ padlock… Funny how he’s there and he immediately slips right back into the Tony-mindset. And he walks away thinking, “That’s one more casualty,” which doesn’t even make much sense, and he stops at Gelson’s on the way home, picks up a bunch of Halloween candy. Fun-size Baby Ruths, the Breakfast of Depressed Champions.

And… You remember that blip on the radar about the scholarship? The one that slowed Loki down for about two seconds? It slowed him down long enough to fill out a pile of financial aid applications, and that was it. Then he took out a student loan; hey, everyone’s doing it these days, right? You’ve got to pay for your education somehow. …Then about halfway through October, this call comes: Howard Stark, the Voice that Time Forgot.

And inevitably, the guilt. Last time Loki saw him… At the screening, wasn’t it? …At the screening of _Freddie’s_ film, that Loki was supposed to make but he bailed on it. …Freddie’s film about Stark’s _son_.

Inevitable guilt, and then, immediately afterward, the anger, and then the pain, and then the… Well let’s just say it’s your basic salad bowl full of emotions. Loki talks to him, Stark’s like, “COME INTO MY OFFICE, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU,” and you know he toys with the idea of not going? And deep down underneath, the whole time, he knows that he is going, and who the hell knows why? Because of the guilt maybe? Or because of Dark-Loki, because he thinks he might get some funding out of it? Who the hell knows? But he goes, anyway.

And Stark looks a little smaller than he used to, behind his big, Republican desk. He looks like a man with no son, like… And it goes through Loki’s head as he sees him, “Like a man with no future,” but there’s no emotion with it, not then anyway.

And Stark goes, “I heard about the scholarship, why didn’t you come to me, Loki?”

Loki’s like, “Why would I? I can handle it.” And he looks at Stark while he says it; why wouldn’t he? It’s not like there’s any emotion there to stop him.

And it’s Stark that looks away. “I should have extended that goddamn grant,” he says…

The grant, to make the movie about his son…

And Loki says, “Why,” again, but this time he’s asking it more of himself. Why the hell did he come here? What kind of relationship is Stark trying to claim with him, and what the hell reason is there, that he should be here buying into it?

And he keeps looking at Stark, and Stark’s face is a study. All the emotions Loki’s feeling, they’re there, and a whole lot of other ones besides. But Stark’s Stark, he is who he will always be, and the one uppermost is obviously, “I don’t want to talk about this.” Finally very grudgingly, “Tony would have wanted it,” he says.

And it pops out before Loki can hold it back, “That’s a lie,” he says. And the emotions he was trying to hold back are there, and he just fucking gives in to them. “You wanted a tribute to him,” he says, “but that’s never what Tony wanted. How well did you even know your son at all?”

Stark’s Stark, and it produces nothing from him. And he looks at Loki. “Are you finished?”

And no he’s not, and since he’s started, and etcetera etcetera… But fuck that, what’s the point? And Loki nods.

Stark’s like, “I’m offering you help because my son would have wanted it, I suppose you’re going to tell me I’m wrong about that too?”

And he’s not… Flashback of Tony: He _threw_ money at his problems, and at his friends, and at… Well, at everything, really, just this mad rush to divest himself, to get rid of the thing that made him different from everyone else. And god, his face… And how he would toss out those suggestions, “We’ll go get lunch, We’ll get dinner, maybe a snack. And I’ll buy you this, and this, and this, and I’ll pay for this, and I’ll do that,” like, “Let’s even things out, can we? Let’s pretend we’re all rich, instead of just me.”

And Loki gives the stiff answer, “You’re not wrong.”

Stark’s like, “Don’t be stiff-necked, take the money.”

"He’s just like his son," Loki thinks, "except he doesn’t have Tony’s charm." All that money, why does he work so hard to make it all, when it’s so obvious, it’s not bringing any happiness? And it occurs to Loki that maybe it used to bring him happiness, and maybe that ended when Tony died, and maybe it’s just one more casualty.

“Yeah, sure…” Dark-Loki’s there, because he’s always there, and he gives Regular-Loki the words to say. Such nice, tidy, all-businesslike words, “Hey, I’m a film student,” he says. “How much money am I going to be making after graduation?”

And Stark nods, and there’s something like a smile on his face. “Last thing you want is a bunch of loans, following you the rest of your life.”

Good old Dark-Loki, he’s such a helper.

Stark’s like, “I’m calling this an investment, I saw your little movie the other night, and it was pretty good.” And he looks at Loki over tented fingers, goes, “Tony always said you were good.”

And Loki nods, smiles modestly… You know, standard generic response, for someone who’s just had a ton of money dumped in their lap.

Stark goes, “Why don’t you come around once in a while? I want to hear about your progress.”

And Dark-Loki goes, “To your office? Certainly sir.”

Stark says, “I was thinking of the house. I’m sure Maria would like to see you too.”


	42. Our Day Will Come, Think Love and Wear a Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More about the Starks, and some about Thor.

“Our day will come and we'll have everything.  
We'll share the joy falling in love can bring.  
No one can tell me that I'm too young to know;  
I love you so, and you love me.  
Our day will come if we just wait a while.  
No tears for us, think love and wear a smile.  
Our dreams have magic because we'll always stay  
In love this way, our day will come.”  
\-- Bob Hilliard and Mort Garson, “Our Day Will Come”

Hilgard to Sunset, and Sunset to Pacific Palisades, after that you go west, out almost to the coast, then up narrow, twisting private roads, and up a long driveway, and around one last corner. And the Starks’ house is this big, Gatsby-esque pile at the top of all that, and it’s big, and it’s glittery, and it’s very, very cold.

Tony grew up there. He’s there in the pool that was put in so he could play in it, and in the room that was his, which is the one with the door closed, the one his parents don’t talk about. Howard and Maria talk about Loki. They talk about how he should have new clothes, and how he should make investments. They talk about how you have to spend money to make money, and how, “It’s important to get a job, Loki, at least until your films start making money.” They talk about the future… And Loki wonders sometimes, how long they were still doing that to Tony, before they finally accepted that he was dying? And he wonders sometimes if they’ll still be so enamored with him, if they find out he’s dying too.

The Starks want to give him things; they are the gift that keeps on giving, which is what Tony always called them. And who doesn’t want to be given things? After all, clothes come in handy, and meetings with important people are so useful; and after Howard finds out about the Utah/US Film Festival, and he wants to pay Loki’s entry fee and all the expenses, well now, doesn’t that come in handy too? 

And who cares having to do a little bit, for the people who are giving you so much? And pouring Maria her incessant drinks… “Campari please Loki, if you’ll be a dear, and with just a smidge of soda.” …Who cares about traipsing around after Howard, at one of his parties, or going to the dinners, or spending Thanksgiving up at the house, just the three of them with that big, big turkey, in their big, big, formal dining room? 

Who cares about coming home to an empty apartment? Sam’s at his mother’s, or he’s out with friends. …With his friends, from pre-med; Loki never made any friends in the film school, did he? Because he was always with Tony. And now he’s always with Tony’s parents too, but who cares about that? Because after all as we said, they are the gift that keeps on giving.

…Thanksgiving night, he comes home drunk, after too much fancy European wine, poured by the Starks’ fancy, European servants. And he wants to talk to someone who’s a friend for a change, not a gift, or a giver, or someone with expectations. He wants to talk to Thor... 

God, those Thanksgivings when he was growing up, those Thanksgivings when the thing to do was to get the big meal over with as soon as possible, the one with Auntie kissing you, and Grandma bringing her congealed salad. And making sandwiches out of the turkey carcass at his house, where the mayo was Hellman’s, only Thor didn’t like that, he liked the Miracle Whip, at his own house. And Loki hated that stuff, but he’d eat it, because of course he wanted to fit in. And the way the cranberries would squirt through VS’s fingers, because he’d make his sandwiches with cranberries _and_ stuffing on them, and then he’d wipe his hands on his jeans, big, juicy red smears, that left you sticky if you brushed up against him. And the football games outside, and the ones on TV… And the time that one Friday, when none of the Warriors were there, and Mr. Odinson left the room, and Thor kissed Loki right there on the couch, while the football players were doing whatever it is they do.

And hamburgers… VS squirting catsup on his fingers for a change, and wiping it on the upholstery in Loki’s car (and calling him a pussy when he dared to complain about it). And chicks coming over to Thor’s house… “Help me with this project honey, oh, won’t you help me study for that test? Oh, you know you’re good at blah-blah-blah, can’t you help me baby?” And what year was it? The one where Thor was so busy, and Loki didn’t see him practically the whole weekend? God, Junior High School, that had to have been like, ’74, or ’75 maybe? And Thor didn’t come around, and Loki told himself he didn’t care, they’d just have been watching a bunch of damn football games anyway. And he played his transistor radio nonstop, and Mom and Dad complained about it. And this horrible song Frankie Valli did, and Mom couldn’t hear it but what she would be talking about, “Oh, So-and-So did a better version of that, what is it with you kids and your lousy music?” Song was lousy too, but you know how that goes, and he’d listen to it, and he would cry every single time. “Our day will come,” Frankie Valli would sing, “and we’ll be in love, and it’ll be magic, and there’ll be no more tears…” And how long has it been since he and Thor have talked now? A year? Or almost a year anyway?

And half-drunk after all that fancy European wine, and it feels like that matters, and Loki spends a lot of time just sitting there, trying to calculate it in his head. And he spends a lot of time telling himself that he was wrong a year ago, when he told Thor that they shouldn’t be going out. And he spends some time… Not a lot, but some time, telling himself that maybe he should be going out with Thor, maybe they should be a couple, and they’ll be happy together forever. And he picks up the phone, and he dials the Odinsons’ number.

It’s past 12:30… Problem with half-drunk impulses is that’s when you have them, is the middle of the night. And 12:30 Los Angeles time is 2:30 in the morning in Minneapolis, and Loki feels a little guilty while he dials, feels a little more guilty while he’s sitting there, and the phone rings five times, then six, then seven. And then Thor picks up, and he tells himself it was all okay… It wasn’t, of course, but that’s what he tells himself. That’s what you say; no one wants to admit that things have changed unless they’re forced to. 

There follows the standard, generic conversation. School is such-and-so, and football is this-and-that. And plans for graduation? “Oh yes, Loki, I have some good ones, and how about you? What? Independent Film Festival? Oh, you’ll do great, you’re so smart, you’re so talented.”

“…And what about the AIDS thing…” This dropped in at the last minute, and with lots of hemming and hawing. And, “What? The whole movie’s about it?” And, “Oh Loki, you were always so brave.”

And Loki’s like, “How about you?”

Thor’s like, “Oh, I’m all right, I’m fine, I’m thinking of getting married.”

And Loki says, “What about … _you know_ ,” and he does his own share of hemming and hawing.

Thor goes, “Oh, she knows about my past, she’s okay with it, she’s a really good person.”

Jane Foster is a really good person. And after that… What is there after that? “You’ll come see us get married?” Thor says. Loki goes, “Yes, and maybe you can come see it, when my film gets screened?”

And Thor’s like, “You mean in Utah? Oh, that’d be great,” he says. “I’ll bring Jane, and it’ll be a vacation.”

And then there are the good-byes. And all these promises, “We’ll keep in touch, we’ll talk, there’s no way we’ll go another year without calling.” And Loki hangs up the phone…

He’s crying as he puts the phone back on the receiver, and you know he doesn’t even know why? It’s Thor, isn’t it, and that call, that was like saying good-bye? But that’s not it, it’s more than that, and he can’t even put words to most of it. And Frankie Valli’s voice is in his head, and that stupid, stupid song, and that stupid, canned-sounding music, that played in the background. “Our dreams have magic,” the song said, “because we’ll always stay,” but no one always stays, in love, or even alive. And nothing lasts forever, no one can really go their whole lives, with no tears, and always wearing a smile. And does that even mean your dreams are worthless, it doesn’t have to, not really. But it still _hurts_ ; every time you say good-bye, it still hurts like hell.


	43. Neutron Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More about Thor.

“And it's hard to say  
Just how some things never change,  
And it's hard to find  
Any strength to draw the line.  
I'm just burning doin' the neutron dance  
I'm just burning doin' the neutron dance.”  
\-- Pointer Sisters, “Neutron Dance”

A week after Thanksgiving, and Loki gets a letter from Thor. A couple of words, scrawled on a piece of paper, in his same old thick-fingered, clumsy print, and inside, a wad of photos of his girlfriend. Jane on a bridge, looking down at the river, Jane with the wind in her hair, and Jane with Thor’s arm around her, this look on her face like she’s laughing. Thor towers over her, and when he’s in the picture, she radiates off this feeling, but what kind of a feeling is it? Loki wants to say it’s smugness, but that’s not it; this bland brown-haired girl may be a lot of things, but she’s not smug. And he settles on stupidity finally, the stupidity of someone who will blindly trust a man who tells her he’s not gay, after the past that Thor’s had. And he’s vaguely irritated by stupid-Jane, but he tells himself she’s got the right to make her own decisions, and so does Thor, and it’s not his place to question them. Finally he throws the pictures away, not in the trash in the kitchen, but manually taking them out to the dumpster out back, that smells of fish and old iron, even in December, and he throws them in there.

After that, he tells himself it’s okay. he’s got his life, and Thor’s got his, and they haven’t really intersected since High School anyway, have they? What do they have together anyway? A couple nights together in Tony’s apartment, and those weeks at Indian Piss, those weeks that felt wrong even while they were happening. That’s not anything, it’s an attempt to hold onto a friendship, rapidly disappearing into the past.

And his present life continues. Sam goes to a support group some gay group is holding. He says it helps him, then after a while he drops it, and says pre-med is getting too intense. Loki finishes work for his classes, he fills out an entry-form for next year’s film festival, about a year too soon, and tries to be polite when Howard and Maria talk about how he’ll win hands-down. And another letter arrives from Thor. More pictures, Jane at Christmas, and Jane squinting into the sun, and Jane with Mr. and Mrs. Odinson’s arms around her. Jane, Jane, Jane… Thor’s letter says, “A long engagement, Dad thinks it’s best,” and, “We’re still coming to that film festival of yours, Loki.” 

We, we, we, Thor’s all about “we” anymore; what’s “Jane” going to do, Loki wonders sometimes, if Thor’s past catches up with him and it turns out he’s got AIDS? But that’s not his business, and he pushes it away, and he goes on. And winter turns into spring, and spring moves toward summer, and then it’s June, and everything’s graduation-graduation-graduation. And Thor still hasn’t sent an invitation, which means …what?

Howard and Maria take Loki out for dinner the day he graduates. They want to Sam to go too, but he’s got his mom, who’s planned a party with the whole family, and lots of warmth and relatives. And the Starks take Loki to Spago, which is a place in Beverley Hills, that’s even fancier than the rest of Beverley Hills, and there’s little cups of iced soup, and big cold white plates with little vegetables on them, like a bouquet decorating the cold fish mousse in the middle. …And booze of course, because there’s always booze with the Starks. And Howard wants to talk about, “Oh Loki, oh, you have a bright future ahead of you son.” And Loki wants to remind him, _again_ , that they’re not even sure yet if he has a future, and if he’s anything like Howard and Maria’s own son, he doesn’t, but of course he keeps his mouth shut and eats his fish mousse and his vegetables.

And June turns to July. Howard gets Loki interviews with half the big studios in town without asking him first, and is confused when he says he doesn’t want them. Maria makes noises about graduate school, and tries to turn Loki into a clone of Tony, with a chair to teach “one of the diversities of studies the Foundation supports. And Loki gets a job on his own, someplace no one’s ever heard of, where he’s called the Assistant Director, but actually he’s everything except the costume designer as well. 

And summer turns into fall, and fall turns into winter: Long hours spent on the set of this movie or that movie, and, “Coffee and donuts for three, Loki, Loki, turn that goddamn light over this way!” And Thor still hasn’t sent an invitation, and Loki hopes that means he’s reconsidering, but he knows that’s stupid; this marriage is going to take place come Hell or high water.

And in November, somebody does something about AIDS that Sam says is very important. And he’s like, “Oh, this is such a major _breakthrough_ ,” and Loki struggles hard not to remind him that, for them at least, these “major breakthroughs” are going to have to start coming a lot faster. And November turns into December. Christmas at the Starks’ house, because they’re very disappointed when he says maybe he’ll spend it with Sam instead. And December turns into January, which is finally the month of the film festival, and so things start happening.


	44. You're a Hard Habit to Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces Thor's girlfriend.

“Now being without you  
Takes a lot of getting used to,  
Should learn to live with it,  
But I don't want to.  
Being without you  
Is all a big mistake,  
Instead of getting easier  
It's the hardest thing to take.  
I'm addicted to you babe  
You're a hard habit to break.”  
\-- Chicago, “Hard Habit to Break”

The Utah/US Film Festival is swank, it’s disturbingly swank. The town’s this ultra-expensive ski resort, and it’s already awash with celebrities when they get there on the 13th. And Loki sees Sean Penn and Madonna, he sees Warren Beatty and Diane Keaton… And those are just the ones he knows. 

And the filmmakers, oh god, the _filmmakers_. Francois Truffaut’s here, and Roland Joffe, and Werner Herzog. What right does Loki have to even be here with them; he’s just a kid who barely graduated, just last spring. And Howard’s like, “You’ll do fine, you’ll do great,” but it’s never rung so hollowly before, and Maria’s all, “Oh, well _we’re_ proud of you,” and all it sounds like, is like she’s giving him his consolation prize, because she knows he’s got no chance in the world here.

And the Caledonian is this big fancy hotel, in this old historic-looking building, where all the rooms have windows overlooking the ski slopes, and the condos are larger than Loki’s whole apartment. And Howard and Maria pay for, then when Thor shows up Howard’s all like, “Oh, I’ve reserved you rooms, oh, and I'm paying of course, son.”

Thor gets up in arms right of way, and he has to rush into the lobby, and of course his girlfriend is right there, and when he gives them his own credit card, and says to use it instead of Howard’s, her head just about explodes. And Loki almost laughs right there, right out loud, and he wonders again, how much does this Jane know, about his and Thor’s past together, or even just about Thor’s past in general?

And Howard’s idea is that they’ll go out and have dinner at this ultra-swank steakhouse, all of them, including Thor and Jane. And Loki thinks how things would have been if Howard could have included him in things, back when Tony was still alive to enjoy it. But of course Thor’s just an old school-friend, as far as the Starks know, whereas Loki was the gay boyfriend of _their son_ , who wasn’t supposed to be gay. And plinkety-plinkety, coming from the piano in the bar area, and, “You’ll have the steak of course son, a nice large one,” and Thor goes, “Oh me too, that sounds _great_ , and then there’s another squabble, over who’s going to pay for it.

Unfortunate thing about the meal is there’s no way to let Jane get a look at the bill, and see what kind of debt _her boyfriend_ is landing them in, that’s going to last a good ten years into their marriage. $20 for a steak, and even a stupid little chopped salad is $7.50, and how many beers has Thor put away? At $5.00 per bottle? And Loki wonders why he even cares. Thor’s part of his past, and he’s got a present, thank you very much, that’s why he’s here in Utah. And what the hell does it matter to him, if Thor mortgages his future with little bland-faced wifie-to-be over there? But he does care, and he hides a smirk, and feels something that isn’t really amusement.

And Maria finds Loki’s film in the program, and she shows it to them all: There it is, _No Fagots_ , listed as showing third-from-last in the Documentary Competition. And it’s subtly depressing, how unsurprised Loki is when she oohs and aahs over it, after ignoring the very existence of homosexuality her entire life, even with a gay son growing up right in her own house.

All the whole week before _Fagots_ shows, everyone’s on Loki to do everything, and go everywhere. Thor’s Jane keeps on going, “Oh, the skiing, oh, the sightseeing, oh this-and-that,” and Howard and Maria keep wanting to introduce him to all these celebrities, and dragging him in front of every TV camera they see. And Thor keeps wanting to get him alone, and Loki keeps resisting, and then one night he gets caught.

They’re at this big fancy cocktail party (hosted by the Redfords, thank you very much Howard Stark, and your so-wonderful _connections_ ). Loki’s wandering around, looking at stuff, you know, _mingling_ , and Thor catches up to him in a corner.

“You’re acting really mad,” he says. “How come?”

...And, “How come indeed, Thor?” Loki can’t help wondering, but of course he doesn't say anything... 

And Thor’s like, “You’ve hardly talked to me, and you’re giving Jane the cold shoulder; I don’t appreciate that, Loki.”

Loki’s like, “All I’ve been doing is acting like a friend. That’s what we are, isn’t it? Just friends?”

Thor’s face is a study, and Loki tells himself that’s selfishness he sees on it, the selfishness of someone who just can’t stand not to have everyone loving the hell out of him, _all the time_. But Thor’s voice doesn’t sound selfish, it just sounds hurt. “We’ve never been just friends, Loki,” he says, “not ever.”

And he’s holding onto Loki. He’s got his hands on his shoulders… It’s only when he says that, that Loki even notices, because this all happened so fast. …Both Thor’s hands, on Loki’s shoulders, gripping, not tightly, not really, but firmly, like he used to do, way back when at Indian Piss. But Thor had better not be remembering Indian Piss. What the hell right does he have to even think of those times? Hasn’t he _chosen_ his future, and isn’t he going to have it with Jane?

Should Loki even care? Speaking of choosing your futures, isn’t he the one who chose his own future first, and didn’t he choose a future without Thor in it?

“Of course we’re ‘just friends,’” he says. “You have a girlfriend, remember? By the way, when are you going to set a date for the wedding?”

And he’s looking at Thor… How many times have they stood there like this, just the two of them, and they’re both looking at each other? And when did Loki start having to look up to look at him? How old was he, maybe ten or eleven? And Thor’s eyes still look just like they always did; they’re still blue, and honest as the day is long, no matter what dishonest thing it is that he’s saying. But then it’s never dishonest for him, is it? Because when Thor lies to anyone, it’s always to himself.

…And they’re looking at each other, and Thor looks down. “Jane’s parents want June.” He mumbles it, barely audible in the crowded room.

And Loki just goes for it. “What do you want, Thor?”

Thor looks at him again, and there’s no dishonesty in his eyes now, but there’s also precious little understanding. “You know what I wanted,” he says. “But you were the one who decided we weren’t going to have that.”

Poor Thor, is still so much of a baby. He’ll still be a baby when he’s 45… When he’s 100, probably, he’ll be this bald, wrinkled old baby. He’s just so privileged, so sheltered, never stepping outside of Daddy’s protection, always choosing safety instead of the life he really wants. And Loki looks into those big, baby-blue eyes of his, and it feels like he can see the future coming: He’s already loved one big baby, and he said good-bye to him, and it hurt worse than anything should ever hurt any person in their whole life. And it’s like he sees himself doing the same thing again, 50 or 60 years down the line, because he does love Thor, he can lie to himself all he wants to about that, but he can’t change it. And it feels like he can’t let that happen, like suddenly this is the most important thing in his life, not the film festival, or _Fagots_ , and certainly not his job at the no-name studio, back in Hollywood. And he looks at Thor, and crazily, weirdly, he can feel himself tearing up.

“What was I supposed to do,” he says, “go home to Minneapolis and live under your Daddy’s thumb with you?”

Thor goes, “I don’t do that.”

Loki’s like, “You’ve always done that Thor, your whole life.”

And they’re just looking at each other for a minute. Then Thor lets go of Loki’s shoulders. “Yeah, that’s easy for you to say,” he says. “You’re smart and talented. I work at Odinson Chevy, that’s my job, Loki, that I got because of my _Dad_.” 

Big, blue-eyed baby, tied to a pair of apron-strings, only their Daddy’s, instead of Mommy’s.

“Yeah, well that doesn’t have to be forever,” Loki says, only he wonders even while he says it, whether maybe it will be.

Thor’s like, “I’ll probably get promoted after a while, and that’ll be because of Dad too.”

And Loki tries, one more time, because he’s known Thor for so long, and he just can’t give up and say good-bye to one more baby boy. “At least break up with Jane,” he says. “You know you’re only marrying her for Daddy.”

Thor’s like, “I love her,” but he doesn’t sound sure.

…And of course that’s when Howard discovers both of them, and he bears down, dragging some celebrity by the arm, someone it’s imperative for Loki to meet, _right now_. And Loki goes off to meet him, and Thor goes off …where?


	45. Every Time You Go Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More about the festival.

“Every time you go away you take a piece of me with you, oh  
Every time you go away you take a piece of me with you. 

I can't go on sayin' the same thing,  
'Cause baby, can'tcha see, we've got everything goin' on and on and on.

Every time you go away you take a piece of me with you,  
Every time you go away you take a piece of me with you.”  
\-- Hall & Oates, “Everytime You Go Away”

There’s all these theatres, up and down Main Street, where all the films are being shown for the festival, and then there’s the one where they’re showing _Fagots_. And it’s just like all the others, it’s just like any movie theatre anywhere else in the world, same smell of popcorn, same folding seats, same armrests you can put up or down depending if you’re with someone or not. Same sticky feel on the floor; there’s been gum there, and spilled Coke, and who knows what else? And the programming there is documentaries all week long, first this documentary, and then this one, and that one, and this one… And _Fagots_ isn’t showing last, which would at least give it an advantage, it’s third-from last, and two major films by directors people have heard of, coming up afterward. 

Loki goes over there, the day after they get to Park City, and it’s like no one can understand why he even wants to. Howard’s like, “Oh, there are so many important _things_ you could be doing, there are so many important _people_ you could be meeting,” and so on, and so on, etcetera, ad infinitum Maria’s like, “Oh, well the _skiing_ , oh, and the _sight-seeing_ , oh, why do you want to go over there Loki, you’re only going to make yourself nervous?” And Thor stands there like a lump and doesn’t have any opinion (all he has is a blank look on his face, like a cow standing out in the pasture), and his girlfriend? …Jesus, who even knows what she thinks? Does she know what she thinks? Thor’s girlfriend Jane is one of the nice kind of girls, and they don’t have opinions, she’s one of the kind that just says what she thinks everyone else is going to agree with.

But Loki goes over there anyway. And he goes in, because he can go in, because he’s one of the film-makers. And cold building, cold lobby that feels so empty, with nobody there yet, and a theatre that feels empty, and the creepy sound one pair of feet make, walking up and down aisles with no one sitting in them. Faint smell of dust that you can smell when you flip one of the seats down, no new popcorn smells, no smells of people here, to overlay it. And the little flapping sound it makes going down, and Loki, all by himself, sitting there.

And he wonders, what the hell is he doing here anyway? Because if all he wanted to do was do something for other people with AIDS? There are plenty of things he could be doing, there are hot lines, and political groups… He could be making hospital visits like Sam used to, or he could be getting involved in politics like Steve, but he had to decide to make a movie. And it all seemed so easy back then, it was just, “This is what I’m good at, this is what I’ll do.” Now here he is, 22-years old, and pretending he can get noticed, with Roland Joffe and Jonathan Demme in town. There are films being shown here that are going to be in the history books, and what has he got but a little collection of interviews? And don’t talk to him about those people he interviewed, those real people, with lives they didn’t want to be forgotten. What good is he doing them by being here?

Hell, even Dark-Loki wouldn’t want to be here right now, even he would know he’s got no chance. …Hell, he’d be heading for the hills, he’d be out there with Howard, mingling, and schmoozing, and networking. And it occurs to him, just where the hell is Dark-Loki, now that he needs him?

Something happens in that theatre that day, and it isn’t good, but it’s a thing that happens, and you know, you go on. Loki is here, and he is showing _Fagots_ , alongside all those bigger, more important movies, but yeah, he’s here showing it. There’s got to be some kind of a reward for doing that, doesn’t there? Something besides just some little improvement in your character?

…Who knows, maybe there is, maybe there isn’t. Maybe there’s not even a character-improvement, because lord knows Loki doesn’t feel anything. All he knows is that, yeah, he’s here. He’s at the front of the line for the roller coaster now, and there’s nothing else to do except get on and go for a ride. And he sits there for a while, just smelling the dust and listening to the quiet and his own heart hammering, and then he goes back outside. And if you were expecting Thor to be out there because he was worried about him? Because he couldn’t stop thinking about him, or he wanted to continue their conversation from the night before or whatever? Well he’s not, it’s just the street, with some snow in the gutters, lots of Film Festival people going both ways.

And the days of the festival go by. There’s the day when Howard makes him mingle all day, and first there’s the oil guys, then there’s the Hollywood guys, then there’s more oil guys, and one guy who was in Howard’s fraternity in college. And there’s the day Maria wants them all to go hang-gliding, and then she gets scared and they don’t go, and there’s all the crap they end up doing all day instead. And there’s the day that Thor and Jane maybe have a fight, because she looks a little funny that day, she looks sort of upset. Only they probably didn’t; hell, look at her, has she got a chance at anything better than a Chevy salesman in Minneapolis?

Then there’s the day that Thor does come looking for Loki. And Loki’s gone out that afternoon just to walk around, just to get some air and maybe a burger or something. Thor catches him in line while he’s ordering, and he insists on paying… Well, two burgers and some fries aren’t going to break him, not after that five-star dinner with the Starks the other night.

And they both get their burgers, and they find a booth over by the window. Thor has about a zillion of those plastic packets of catsup. He’s opening them, squirting the stuff into a pile, on the paper on his serving tray, and he holds one up, grins at Loki. “Remember at school?” he says. “Remember? We used to put these…”

They used to put them under the toilet seats in the boys’ restroom, or to be really accurate VS did it, and he used to swear it was the funniest thing in the world, and he’d swear he’d seen this person and this person and that person, and they had sat down and the catsup had gone everywhere, only knowing VS, he was probably lying. VS couldn’t open his mouth without lying, or else he was putting someone down, usually Loki.

Thor’s grinning, and he goes, “Remember putting these on the toilet seats at school?”

Loki’s like, “No, because I didn’t do it.”

Thor starts to get that whipped-puppy look on his face. “I guess you didn’t,” he says. “It was the rest of us.”

Last thing Loki wants to do, like literally, the _last_ thing right now, is to throw this pathetic dog a bone. He could say, “No, it was VS,” he could say, “It was always VS, as in every single stupid prank I remember anyone pulling ever when we were in school, it was always VS,” but he doesn’t. Let Thor figure his own way out of a problem for a change.

Whipped-puppy look on Thor’s face. He unwraps his burger, goes to eat a bit. And he looks at it for a little while, like he’s not really all that interested. Finally he manages, “I’m sorry about the other night.”

Even that feels like Loki’s throwing the dog a bone here. What the hell is he supposed to do? He’s supposed to have every moment of every time he and Thor were ever together, just imprinted on his mind, isn’t he? He’s supposed to call up these details, all of them perfectly, of course, just because Thor brought it up? But what’s the alternative? He could always say, “Oh, I don’t even remember the other night,” when it’s obvious he does, but that would just make him look petty.

“It’s okay,” he says. “You get to live your life the way you want to, it’s a free country.”

Thor’s like, “You made some good points.”

After that there’s a silence that drags on and on. Loki “made some good points.” He “made” some “points,” and they were so “good,” even Obtuse-Thor couldn’t be obtuse enough to ignore them, but what good is that in the real world? What good is it to either of them?

“I don’t know, Loki,” Thor says. “I guess I stay with it because I don’t know what else I would do… I guess I don’t know what else I could do,” he says, “like really, what other options do I have?” Thor’s looking at him with the whipped-puppy expression, and it’s obvious what he wants. He wants Loki to say, “You could have _me_.” He wants him to give himself to him, but why, because he’s growing up and he really wants a relationship, or like always, just because he’s Thor?

Thor wants everything handed to him on a silver platter, even things he’s always had. Because in a real way, he’s always had Loki; he’s always had his heart, on some level. Is it so terrible that Loki won’t also give up and live just like Thor wants him to live? Is it so terrible that he wants to be himself?

Loki’s like, “Well you should at least talk to your girlfriend, because you’re lying to her, Thor, you know you are.”

Thor goes, “Well I would if you…” And he looks at Loki, and there’s that puppy look again, only it’s not really, is it? It’s the look of the prince, who always has to get his way.

“If I what?” Loki says.

Thor’s like, “Oh Jesus, I don’t know.”

And Loki goes, “Well get back to me if you find out.”

And another day goes by, and another one, and then after that it’s the day they’re screening _Fagots._


	46. Will I Play the Part of the Fool Again, Before I Begin?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Showing of _No Fagots,_ and what happens afterward.

“I need a love that grows  
I don't want it unless I know,  
With each passin' hour,  
Someone, somehow,  
Will be there, ready to share.

I need a love that's strong,  
I'm so tired of being alone,  
But will my lonely heart  
Play the part  
Of the fool again, before I begin?”  
\-- Steve Perry, “Foolish Heart”

_Fagots_ isn’t showing until 3:00, but it’s a wasted day; it’s impossible to concentrate on anything. Lunch with Howard and Maria, some kind of networking blah-blah-blah afterward, Thor’s Jane wants to pull him aside and tell him, “Good luck, oh, I’m so excited,” then Thor wants to pull him aside, tell him, “I read about your film, Loki, I’m really excited to see it.” It’s all just a blur, it’s a blank. Today people from all over the world are going to see _this_ film, that he made, with money he saved while Tony was alive, this film, that has part of Tony in it, and part of Steve, and part of all those other men, who trusted him to tell the story of their lives. And now these people are going to hear about those lives, because of Loki. 

All day long, Loki goes around, and he’s thinking about that. He’s thinking, “Those men who shared with me, I’m finally giving back to them,” and he’s wondering about the people who are going to be watching, will they understand what they’re seeing? Will they hear the men in his film, really hear them? He’s half afraid it’ll just be entertainment for them, just be one more movie, that you see, and then you forget about it, and maybe you watch something else tomorrow; he’s half just excited, because this is him, 22 years old, and showing a film alongside Truffaut, and the others.

Finally it’s time to go in. Theatre is cold as hell, and Loki worries: Will it keep the people away? Who’s going to want to sit here for an hour and a half, in the cold? Then the place is full, it gets hot fast, and he worries about that, worries that they’re all going to leave, because it’s too hot.

…Or maybe they’re going to leave because his film’s not good enough? These are world-class people, and this is just a student film.

And the lights go down. Faint sounds in the theatre. Some guy at one end of the place shifts, and his seat creaks, someone else sitting someplace else clears their throat, little sounds of shuffling feet, and coughing, and seats being adjusted. Loki’s got Thor and Jane on one side of him, he’s got Howard and Maria on the other side... Sudden weird worry: Will they like _Fagots_? Does he even care if they like it? Have Howard and Maria, or this Jane, or Thor even… Have any of them ever shown any indication at all of being good judges of these things?

Suddenly he cares powerfully: Let them like it, let them all like it… Why? Later on he finds the rationalizations that’ll make it make sense. Howard and Maria lost a son to AIDS, they have to understand _Fagots’_ message, and Thor? Thor’s gay, even if he won’t admit it; this film is aimed right at him. All of that’s hindsight though, this feeling is way more basic: Let them like the film because it’s _his_ film, let them like him, _Loki_.

Never mind. You can’t make people do things, and Loki’s not Uri Geller, bending spoons, or other peoples’ wills, by the force of his own mind. People do what they’re going to do, and the film goes on. Faces appear. God, there’s Steve, still strong and alive, that blond hair of his, standing out around his face like a halo. There’s Sam, looking so worried… One thing Loki never would have expected, is that he’d be crying himself, before the film’s even half over. And it goes on. People are quieter now, aren’t they? Or maybe it’s just that he’s stopped noticing.

And little things niggle at Loki’s mind: That head-shot, interview approach, it’s kind of static, isn’t it? He should have done more voiceovers, used more snapshots, more location-footage. But the faces are important, aren’t they? He wanted these men to be seen, to be _known._

Loki comes out of the theatre more confused than he went in. Is _Fagots_ a success, or a failure? Is _he_ a success or a failure? People are walking by him, snatches of conversation: “First effort,” “Not bad,” “I’ll be interested to see what he does in the future.” Half of Loki’s mind wants to be proud, because the comments are mostly pretty positive, half wants to be depressed, because it’s such faint praise, films that get comments like that, don’t win prizes. And then there’s the half that wants to be angry, because these people didn’t love _his film_ enough.

Then they’re outside, on the sidewalk. That’s when Loki notices that none of the others have said a word. That’s when he looks at them… Howard and Maria look different than he’s ever seen them before, different than they even looked at Tony’s funeral. And neither of them are talking, and those are definitely tear-tracks on Maria’s face, and even Howard’s eyes look red. They’re standing out there in the cold, winter afternoon. Maria says, “I think I’d forgotten what it was like.”

Howard says, “That was good Loki, better than I expected.”

On the other side, Jane’s making little noises. “Real talent,” she says. “Thor told me, but you just can’t describe… Oh Loki, you should be so proud.” Funny feeling that she’s name-dropping them; she wants to be part of this, but she isn’t, and she never will be, will she? Funny feeling, that here’s a family: Kind of a family anyway, somewhere along the line something grew between Loki and Tony’s parents, something that’s more than just their memories of Tony. And Thor, who’s been connected with Loki forever, and he’s connected with him now, and this Jane, she’s just …nothing.

Thor’s not saying anything, though. Howard and Maria are still talking. They’re not saying much, but they’re talking, little snatches about, “It was just like that, Loki, how did you manage…” Hearty assurances from Howard, but his voice sounds weak, “They’re _all_ going to see your talent now,” and, “If you don’t get a job out of this,” and, “Just ask me son, I’ll pull some strings.” Funny feeling comes on again: Howard looks like Tony, and he sounds like Tony, and Maria’s affectionate like Tony, and she’s got that old restlessness, that Tony always had. Funny, funny feeling, that distracts Loki for a long time, from the fact that Thor still hasn’t said anything.

And somehow they’re in front of their hotel now. People going by in both directions, crunching sounds of feet, on pavement wet, with salted ice. Cold taste of the air going in and out, through Loki’s mouth, because his nose is still stopped up from crying. And Jane’s burbling. She’s saying stuff about, “Oh, when’s the _judging_ , Loki? Oh, I’m sure you’re going to win a prize.” Finally the words die away, and she stops, like she’s finally figured out she doesn’t belong.

Thor finally talks, a little. “Loki, that was really good. And to think, I knew you when… Loki, do you remember when we were kids, and you used to say you were going to be a filmmaker, and we used to just laugh?”

“Yeah,” Loki says. He remembers all of it, every time anyone laughed, and every mean word any of them said. How to explain though, how far away it all feels, right now?

Thor goes, “I guess… You really had the last laugh, didn’t you?” And he looks at Loki, really looks at him finally. “Can we talk?” he says. “Alone?”

Little Jane, looking surprised. Howard and Maria seem to go with it pretty easily, but Jane looks so surprised. Loki’s not sure if he wants to talk. What’s Thor going to say, except more of the same stuff he’s been saying all week, and right now it’s time for something new? But you don’t turn your back on 20 years of history, oh, and the feelings, you can’t turn your back on those.

“Yeah sure,” he says. “I guess so.”

And going off with Thor, around the corner. Not any place particular, but just walking, the two of them, back to the back of the parking lot, off to where there are dumpsters, and scrubby pine trees, not pretty enough for the guests to see. Thor waits until they’re all the way off there, before he says anything, then when they get there, he’s quiet a little longer. Loki has time to look at his face, to really look at it, nose and cheeks, pink like they always got pink in the cold, and his blue eyes, that are so familiar, and that little scruff of blond hair, falling across his forehead.

“Jane,” Thor says. He’s taken so long to say anything, that it’s almost a surprise, and Loki realizes, he was just staring at him. Thor goes, “You’re right Loki, I can’t do it,” and he stops. Big Thor-hands, fisting and un-fisting. His hands get red with the cold too, he should have gloves on, but he must have forgotten them. And, “When it hit me?” he says. “You know when it was?” Thor, standing tense, not easy and relaxed like a BMOC should stand, breathing in little breaths, because of the smell of the garbage cans, and exhaling in little puffs of steam. “Sam and Steve,” he says, “from the movie. They’re your friends, right? Or they were? I remember you talking about them, but I don’t know, just seeing them together…”

Thor looks at Loki, and it’s like he’s really looking at him for once. “You said I should level with Jane,” he says, “and you’re right. She’s… I don’t know… But I’m not giving her what Sam and Steve were giving each other, in your movie, I’m not going to lie to her anymore.” And he looks at Loki, really looks at him. “I guess I shouldn’t ask you if there’s still anything left between us?”

Correct answer should be, “No of course not, not until you’ve broken up with your girlfriend, and you know, come out to your parents finally, and all that stuff.” Correct answer doesn’t happen. Loki looks at Thor. He looks at this big guy, that he’s known, and that he’s loved, and that he’s wanted. He wants to at least say something coherent. It’s going to be the wrong thing, but if it can at least sound okay? But he can feel his throat tightening… He doesn’t want it, but it’s there, and the only way he’s going to get out of this with any dignity is if he keeps it short. “What do you think?” he says.

Thor looks at him, blue eyes filming a little, like there are tears in them. “I know what I hope.” He hugs Loki then, hugs him out there by the dumpsters, with the smell of garbage, and the dirty, brownish snow, crusted in little piles. It’s a friends’ hug, and maybe it’s a little bit more, and maybe there’s something there, maybe something is going to happen, and maybe it won’t. But it feels like whatever happens, it’s going to be honest, for once.


	47. All Through the Night, Today, Knowing We Feel the Same Without Saying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An awards ceremony, and the future.

“All through the night,  
I'll be awake and I'll be with you,  
All through the night,  
This precious time when time is new.  
Oh, all through the night today,  
Knowing that we feel the same without saying.

We have no past, we won't reach back,  
Keep with me forward all through the night,  
And once we start the meter clicks  
And it goes running, all through the night,  
Until it ends, there is no end.”  
\-- Cyndi Lauper, “All Through the Night”

Film festivals are won by people with money and talent and experience. You’d better know that going in, if you don’t, you deserve to be hurt. Loki knew it, isn’t that what he’s been telling people ever since he sent in the application? “Oh, I won’t win, of course I won’t win, there’s no way, this is just about getting a wider audience.” And he came here sure that it wouldn’t matter, and he showed _Fagots_ …

Holding onto the picture: Audience so quiet while the film was being screened, how they clapped when it was over. And the tears on the faces of people going by, as they left the theatre, and the comments, so many positive comments. Think about the people that have talked to him since then: “Your film, I saw it. Oh yes, you’re the young documentarian. Such promise, I’m excited…” All these memories, such good memories, and so fresh, but the night of the awards ceremony comes, and it’s like none of them even matter.

Dignified tuxedo, because it’s a grown-up event. Tuxedo that Howard bought him. “Let me do this for you Loki,” he said, oh, and it had to be the right tuxedo, from just the right tailor. Put it on, comb the hair, watch Loki-the-Film-School-Graduate turn into …who? …Look in the mirror and see Loki-the-Filmmaker looking back, then you go meet Thor in his rented tux, Jane in some rag or another, that probably looked smart back in Minneapolis, and Howard and Maria, who of course, look perfect.

Rows and rows of seats in the theatre, sitting crowded together (but it’s funny how exposed you feel anyway). Decorous entry, like coming into a film late, “Oh, excuse me, pardon me, oh dear, was that your foot?” And he finds himself sitting, improbably, with Jane on one side and Thor on the other, and the Starks, several seats down. And the judges are sitting up onstage, and they talk, and they talk, and they talk…

When is it that the rationalizations stop working? Is it during the first panel discussion, or the second? No, they were gone way before that. Who knows if they were even there in the first place? Maybe they were never there, it’s just that the festival was going on, and he was busy, and he could pretend.

But he can’t pretend any more. Jane sitting next to him, goes, “You’re going to do great.” She’s only said that about a million times already. Loki should feel sorry for her, and he knows it, because Thor’s told her… Brilliant Thor told her last night after they watched _Fagots_. He told her, and then they still all went out to dinner together. Jane’s face was tear-streaked, and her eyes were puffy, and her perky manner was down to about 50% perk. Loki should feel oh so sorry for her, he should at least feel a little sorry, but he doesn’t, because he’s a horrible person.

Poor Jane is sitting next to him, and she’s saying something, but he doesn’t pay attention, he barely even hears. Jane’s like a little fly, trapped inside a window, buzzing to be let out, she’s like landscape. And the panel discussion is landscape: “Hmm, So-and-So did the blah-blah-blah so well, did you see that?” “Yes, but did you notice how Such-and-So used the iris lens, in the scene with the something-or-other? How about that?” It fades and fades, until it’s a buzz, a thread of sound; it’s subtitles, unread, and the sound is the one part of Loki’s brain that’s shouting, “YOU’RE GOING TO LOSE, YOU’RE GOING TO LOSE, YOU’RE GOING TO LOSE,” and the other part, much weaker, that tries to say, “I know that, but I don’t care, don’t think you can upset me.”

Big part of the brain can upset the other part; it can upset Loki. And Loki looks at Thor sitting on the other side of him, and… What does he think? Simple declarative sentence: “I’m getting out of here.” And it occurs to him: Thor’s going to follow him out, and then they’re going to talk, and that’ll be a distraction. Does it occur to him to think about what they’ll talk about? Does he remember the unfinished business that’s between them, that’s so huge, and it has to be talked about sometime?

But he doesn’t, does he? Because that’s important, it’s not just some distraction, to keep Loki’s mind off the awards ceremony. Thor’s a good friend, and maybe he might be more than that, sometime, possibly. What kind of person would use friend like that, just bringing up their important issues, just talking about them at the convenient time when _they_ happen to need a distraction?

A horrible person would do that, that’s who. And Loki pokes Thor. “I’m getting out of here, you want to come?”

Thor looks at him. “Because you’re nervous about the awards ceremony?”

Pretty much your standard Thor answer. _No, Thor, because I left the Batmobile double-parked outside._ Huff of an irritated sigh that comes involuntarily (you’re not allowed to get irritated with people when you’re being horrible to them), an eyeroll that probably goes unnoticed, since he’s up and in the aisle by then anyway. 

And down the aisle they go, and out of the theatre. Darkness pierced by starlight and theatre marquees, just like every night they’ve been here, only the air’s a little warmer tonight, damp, like the snow’s going to start melting.

Thor goes, “Were you nervous?”

Loki says, “I don’t know, what do you think, Thor?”

Shrug of big shoulders, half seen, in the shadows of the theatre entrance. “I guess it wasn’t the smartest thing in the world to say, but I’m not a genius like you, Loki.”

Thor’s not a genius at all, he’s not even very smart. What is he, really? Just a muscle-bound ex-jock, why should Loki care anything about him? 

Out of the shadows of the entrance, out onto the street. Street’s empty, anybody who’s anybody is inside the theatre, watching the awards show, but they’re out here. “You broke up with Jane?” Loki says.

Thor goes, “Yeah.”

Wet sidewalks, snow melting into puddles in the gutters. Air that feels warm when you breathe it, scents of coffee, and food, coming from the restaurants as they walk by them.

Thor says, “Where are we going?”

And Loki, who doesn’t have any idea at all where he’s going, says, “Back to the hotel. You scared?” he says. “You worried about Jane?”

Thor goes all defensive right away. “Stop bringing up Jane, I broke up with her, didn’t I?”

“Yeah.” Loki says it, and it comes out more grudging than he was expecting.

“I already told you,” Thor says. “You were right, we don’t belong together, I told her, and…” Look away, guilt in his voice, and in those big, blue, Thor-eyes. “You saw how it made her feel, right?” 

Last night, yeah, he saw, along with probably everyone else in the whole damn town.

“She was being stupid,” Loki says (and again, it doesn’t come out the way he was expecting it to.) “She wanted the ring on her finger, she wanted you because you looked like you were going to be a good provider, but she should have known, she should have been able to tell it was all a lie.”

Thor goes, “I don’t know.” And he shrugs again, stops, looks at Loki. “What do you want?” he says.

Feeling of being asked something that matters hugely. Feeling of having walked away from …something… The awards ceremony, or his whole past life, or what?

“I don’t know,” Loki says, “I guess…” And inside all these feelings clamor: What does he _want_? He wants everything, that’s what. He wants what Jane thought she had, and what he thought he had with Tony, and what everyone wants. He wants someone who lights him up inside, someone who makes him feel like springtime, but then when he starts to grow, they’re right there with him, and they’re growing too. Does such a person even exist? And what do you do if you don’t find them, what do you settle for?

“Well I want you,” Thor says. “I mean, I know it’s probably not going to work. You live in Los Angeles, and I live in Minneapolis, and you know, when do those long-distance things ever work?” Another big, Thor-shrug, another look, so much more in those blue eyes than he’s ever going to be able to put into words.

“I want that too,” Loki takes the chance and says. “I’ve always wanted it, only you’re right of course, it would never work.”

Thor’s hand finds Loki’s. His fingers, warm from being in his pocket, wrap around Loki’s cold ones. And at first they’re just walking hand-in-hand like that, then they move closer, and Thor’s arm goes around Loki’s waist. Warm, damp, snow-melting air, and the crunch and the slipperiness of the melting snow under their feet. Loki and Thor walking back to the hotel, where they’re going to spend the night together, nobody cheating on anybody, and no demands, just this night that can be any way they want it to be. 

Last night in Park City, and he spends it in Thor’s arms. Body against body, rediscovering Thor’s body, finding all the ways he’s changed since the last time. …Rediscovering his rhythms, teaching him your own, falling finally into sleep, that last for hours and hours and hours. And the news the next morning is an anticlimax: Newspaper with a list of the winners, and Loki’s name isn’t in there. Phone call from Howard, “It was an achievement just being here, and you know it’s going to pay off, Loki.” Pieces of a life ready to be continued, questions to be answered: Where am I? What am I? What happens next?

Puzzle of looking at the person you’ve wanted your whole life, who completes you, he’s a part of you, and you still know you’re going to say good-bye to each other again. The now that you shared last night has already turned into a yesterday, and what does that mean, and where do either of you go after this?

And Thor says, “You’re going home today, huh?”

Loki goes, “I could stay,” even though he promised to be back at work on Monday.

Thor says, “I could move,” but he couldn’t, and they both know it, and it’s just pretending.

Loki’s like, “We’ll make this long-distance thing work.”

And Thor goes, “Yeah,” and they kiss like there’s a chance, like somehow they’re going to beat these impossible odds.


	48. Life is Brief, but When it's Gone, Love Goes On and On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces a new couple, Bill and Thor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **NOTICE: I PULLED DOWN CHAPTER 48, WHICH IS THE ONE WHERE LOKI STARTS DATING SAM AND FEELS GUILTY ABOUT IT.**
> 
> He still ends up with Sam in this version, but... I am coming back to write one more chapter before this one is done, and that will be an alternate ending, where Loki ends up with Thor. I am still really, _really_ torn about which ending works better for this story. I know the way I've got it written here, Loki and Thor don't end up together, but I want to see how they look together, and then maybe I'll edit it that way. ...Sorry for the author-maundering. On with the story.

“Love…  
It seems like only yesterday,  
You were just a child at play  
Now you're all grown up inside of me,  
Oh, how fast those moments flee.  
Once we watched a lazy world go by,  
Now the days seem to fly.  
Life is brief, but when it's gone,  
Love goes on and on.”  
\-- “Love Goes On,” from Disney’s _Robin Hood_

Looking back from years afterward, it feels like a made for TV script, like the last scenes of a mystery movie, where the events come one right after the other, and suddenly everything falls together: Loki comes home from Park City, and Sam meets him at the airport… That part happened like that, didn’t it? Because Sam was in med school back then, and classes would have been going, but Loki came home on a Saturday, so he would have been there. After that though, the next part… What feels like the next part… After that is when Loki took the AIDS test…

This was one of the first AIDS tests, an ELISA test, it’s called. You go in, they take some blood, you wait and wait until the results are back, and then you can find out your fate. Scary? Christ yes, it was scary, but at the time of course, it felt like he’d been living with death next to him for years already, and a few more days’ wait, well that didn’t add much to the scariness. 

…Looking back now, it feels like Loki was barely off the plane, like Sam was there waiting for him in the terminal, and then he took him right away to the appointment, and he got him tested, that same day. But that’s not true, because it was a Saturday, and the clinic was only open Mondays through Fridays. Sam had gotten him an appointment, though, and Loki went and he took the test just a couple days later.

He called Thor that same day though, and told him that there was a test now, told him to get tested too. And there was billing and cooing, and much love, because of course back then, they were still together… 

“Still together”, you understand, as in they were dating, because in a very real way of course, Loki and Thor will always be together. Because the feelings are still there, and the memories… Those kind of memories never really go away, do they? All it ever takes is something small, very small, and they are coming back to you, and still just as fresh as ever.

…But the tests: Sam got his results, while Loki was still waiting for his. And they were negative. Oh god even now, just thinking about it, makes all those feelings come back, the surprise, and the excitement, and the happiness. And for some reason, they’re fresher than the feelings he had when he got his own negative results, and Loki’s never understood quite why. 

It’s funny how your mind works, isn’t it? But remember, those were the first negative results… As in, they were the first ones that Loki heard about from anyone, and it seemed like everyone was taking the test, that spring, all these guys from work, and the guys Loki’d met when he was making _Fagots_. The survivors at any rate, all of them were taking the test, but it happened that Sam’s results were the first ones he heard about, and so they meant the most… That and maybe there was already something between him and Sam, even back then.

It felt like Christmas, when he heard the results, like Christmas, and the Fourth of July, and… What it felt like, was Loki could have won the biggest prize at the film festival, and he wouldn’t have been happier.

And then his own results came in, and they were negative too… That was the first night when he and Sam fucked wasn’t it? But that can’t be right; that’s just hindsight, isn’t it?

What’s true, is that something changed between them that night. Because that was still… what, a week after he’d said good-bye to Thor? At the most? But Loki came home with the news, and there were all these feelings, bubbling inside him. All this happiness, and this huge, terrible relief. And there was sadness in there too. 

Funny, how that came, Loki walked out of the clinic, feeling nothing but happy, and with his legs so weak from excitement, and he thought, “I shouldn’t drive right now, it isn’t safe.” Next thought came right out of the first, and it felt very logical: “What a good time for a celebration, since I shouldn’t be driving anyway.” And the next thought that came into his head was Eddie’s Eatery. Just like that, this perfect mental picture, like one moment he was in his car, and the next moment, his mind was right there: Yellow lights over the table, and darkness outside, just like it used to be dark when he had the late shift, back when he worked there, his first summer in L.A. Mental picture of a table, basket of fried zucchinis on it, and a lot of empty Lowenbrau bottles, and it hits him who he’s remembering, and he’s thinking about Tony.

Tony would want him to celebrate… No, he’d want to celebrate for him. It’s funny, how you think, in a situation like that, how things hit you, one after another. First there’s the happiness, and then there’s the sadness, because Tony’s not there, and he’s never going to be there, and he would be so happy, so glad to know Loki was safe. And then after that the guilt came of course, because it always comes; sometimes it feels like Loki’s spent his entire life, doing nothing at all but feeling guilty. And just like that, he was wondering, “Why am I alive when Tony isn’t? Why did I survive, I don’t deserve it any more than he did?”

And it feels like he went straight home after that, and fell right into Sam’s arms. It feels like the crying came first, and the hugging came second, and then the fucking came sometime after that. It feels like one minute they were friends, and the next they were together, as permanent as any married couple. Looking back now, from the perspective of actually being married: You have to laugh, don’t you, at least a little bit?

No, but why laugh? They were kids, way back then, in dinosaur days, back in 1985. Thirty long years ago, men still dying everywhere you looked... And maybe that’s part of why he and Sam stayed together, is just because it felt safe. But the thing about being a couple is that after a while it grows past that, and first you buy things together, and you’re in all of each other’s pictures, and in all of each others’s memories.

And then one day Thor calls them and tells them he’s getting married. 2014, right after it becomes legal in Minnesota, and Thor calls, says he’s marrying his boyfriend Bill.

And it’s going to be Loki’s first time meeting Bill. He’s been hearing about him, sure, all these calls, and all these promises. “You’ll come back and visit us, won’t you, Loki?”

“Yeah sure, Thor, maybe Christmas. – Maybe you can come out and see me and Sam?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure, of course, maybe.”

Pictures of Thor and Bill together, on Facebook: Bill’s bony face, his body, muscular like Thor’s. Happy smiles, men arm in arm with each other. Pictures at their house, which the one he grew up in, pictures at Frigga and Odin’s apartment at the retirement community, in town. …Pictures that always make Loki gasp a little, because Thor looks so old now, and he always has to take another look, just to make sure that’s him, not Odin.

And he goes back… It’s not the first time he’s been back to Minneapolis, of course, because that’s not how life works. Dad never does come around, but Mom does, and after a while, Loki does (and he’s glad, when he sees how happy it makes Sam). …And they’ll go back to Minneapolis together. Mom always gives them the room with the double bed, and she goes to Thor’s wedding with them, all of them standing together, under the big oak tree, that’s been there ever since Loki can remember. 

Sam’s arm, around Loki’s waist. Sun shining through the leaves, fresh smell of growing in the air that you never get in California, where everything grows year round. Sam’s body, so close, and his familiar smell, disinfecting soap, and rubbing alcohol, even when he’s not on-duty; it just gets in your clothes, when you work in a hospital. And Mom next to them, and the preacher up in front, talking. 

Lutheran preacher, even though Thor’s never been religious, but of course his family’s Lutheran, and Thor’s like that, he always does things the way his family does them. And once, a long time ago, that would have irritated Loki, but it doesn’t now; it’s just how Thor is. And the sunshine hits Thor’s head, light catching so just for a moment his hair is all gold again, and no grey in it at anywhere. And he looks at Bill, and his eyes are those same blue, innocent Thor-eyes…

And just for a moment, it’s like none of it ever happened. Thirty years of memories disappear like they never even happened, and he’s standing there, looking at Thor, and Thor’s looking at someone else. And the jealousy is the same that he always felt, when he saw Thor holding hands with Jane at the film festival, and all through High School, when Thor had all the time in the world for him in private, but in public they were never anything but good friends. 

And then it fades, and it’s gone. Loki is standing with his husband. They’re watching their friend get married, and then they’re going to the reception, and after that they’ll go home to their house in San Marino. They’ll go back to work. Surgery for Sam on Monday, probably earlier than he wants it to be, and Loki’s got a packet from Sundance, filmmaker bios that he’s got to have read, before he judges at the festival, next January. And afterwards it seems like he never felt anything at all, but that’s how your mind works, isn’t it? You just edit your memories, until they make sense to you.


End file.
